Dating someone who earns a lot more than you. Disaster waiting to happen?

[lasangoles]

I've recently started dating someone. I like him a lot and it seems to be reciprocated. Thing is, I earn around 20k a year, am on universal credit, finances a mess due to previous abusive relationship, 10k debt and huge childcare fees. He's a locum doctor and earns a lot of money. This isn't why I'm dating him, and I'm worried that as soon as I open up about my financial situation, things will change. I'm putting off mentioning it, however feel I should. How would you approach bringing this up? Am I overthinking?

Some very valid points raised about long term concerns.
My concern in the shorter term would be that this bit of dating could put you and your child into financial difficulty. There's no need to make a big thing about it or be ashamed. A no nonsense word about needing to watch the pennies should suffice. If he's a good guy he'll get it. Though to be honest, I agree with PP that a doctor should have the intellect to understand differing financial situations. And the empathy to manage this within a new relationship.

I think you should be open-ish with him - you need to be very careful not to increase your debts in trying to keep up with lots of meals out, etc.

At the end of the day, how it will/won't work long term depends on both your attitudes to money/materialism.

OP, I completely disagree with the poster above and I would say to you this is a total non-issue.

How many couples do you think had the same incomes when they met? Really? Are we supposed to only be attracted to people on certain salaries now?

No. Life doesn’t work like this.

I think you are worrying about nothing. It’s not your finances that could ruin this, but your insecurity (and the fact you are overthinking things).

He can see yours a single mum fgs, so he must realise your priority is your child.

My DH earned many, many more times what I earned when I met him, but so what? It is what it is. We’re still here 20 years on and it’s all one and the same now anyway.

I don’t have debts but I do think going out on dates for meals is very expensive if you do it regularly.

When I did it a few times recently I started to resent the amount of money I was spending as we took it in turns to pay. The last time it cost me £68 and he moaned for a week after that he didn’t particularly enjoy his meal.

I think it’s fine to say casually that you have a lot of bills at the moment or whatever, but he doesn’t need to know the details.

Does he know what you do for a living? And the hours you work? I’m sure he will be able to work out that there will be a disproportion in salary...
I wouldn’t worry about it too much now anyway, as you are in the dating stage.

Follow some of the advice of other posters about cheap / free dates!

My current squeeze earns much less than me. He cooks delicious food for me at his home and I love it. I'm a terrible cook. If I want to go out somewhere fancy I have paid for us. Our last date was McDonald's because I had a craving for it. Try not to overthink it, it'll only be a problem if he's a wanker.

Also he earns less because he's a carer and I think that's absolutely such a worthwhile job, much more meaningful than my very well paid corporate nonsense.

People who judge others on their income , high or low, are not worth having relationships with.

If it is a problem for him, then it's not the relationship for you. He won't necessarily be a bad person for thinking this way, just that your financial paths don't align at this time. He may want someone who can pay for dates out all the time. Not because he looks down on cheap things, but perhaps sees it as relaxation not having to think about the extra time/effort required for cheaper dates? Such as preparing homemade food for a picnic.

On the other hand, just because he earns well, it doesn't necessarily mean he will think badly of you wanting to ease back on spending. My DH lost his job three months into us starting a relationship, and took six months to find another. Did I look at him differently? Of course not!

I would just tell him you need to ease up on spending due to finances. You don't need to give him full details, but just the nuances that you don't have the amount of free spending money he does but as you don't want him to feel obligated to pay, perhaps you should both look into cheap/free things to do which are affordable to you both?

@thepeopleversuswork

I'm going to go against the grain here: may not be what you want to hear. I'd be very uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who earned significantly more than me. As a woman, I think it puts you in a very vulnerable position. I've never dated anyone wealthier than me (in part, I think, because I'm slightly phobic about being beholden to someone).

At the dating stage it should be fine: you're just having fun and sussing each other out and as others have pointed out if he's got any nous he will realise you can't afford to pay equally for everything.

But you have to think long term: will you be comfortable being so financially vulnerable? It means you'll have to rely on him to pay for a lot of stuff. It means there's a good chance you'd be pushed into being a SAHM if you did settle and have kids.

I may be jumping the gun and some people would be fine with this but if you're someone who values their financial autonomy it would leave you very powerless. I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Saying you wouldn’t date someone who earns more than you just doesn’t make sense. Surely it depends on the person that you’re dating and the dynamics in the relationship. My OH earns significantly more than I do, however if we ever split up, I’d still be able to look after myself.

Honestly, I think take a deep breath and broach it with him.

1. it will be a great filter - how he reacts will tell you a lot about him
2. it's a great way to see if your freedom programme training has 'stuck' - if he nods along then invites you out for a ten course tasting menu with matched wines on Saturday night, you'll know he's not prepared to respect your boundaries (and also 1.)

It doesn't need to be a big confessional at this point - just an 'I'm trying to rein in the spends a bit because I've had a few big outgoings, also am worried about job security thanks to Covid, let's go for a walk on Saturday instead of going out for dinner?'

Just say 'I'm a bit short at the moment/ I'm on a lower income this year, can we do something cheaper?'. No need to go into details just yet.

He doesn’t need to know your financial status now

You are earning and working . It depends what have left over . I went out yesterday 5 quid for the cinema, 5 for a meal . Suited me , however if he has an extravagant lifestyle that is something he will have to pay more towards.

Dont make mistake my friend did and tey and pretend and keep up money wise. She ended up in debt, he ended up in debt before they actually talked and realised they both couldn't afford to be dtong the way they had - weekends away, meals out etc but both were too afraid to say.

I'd be honest if your a few dates in. That when childcare goes up again then you will be on more limited budget

How long have you actually been dating him op? You can easily suggest cheaper dates and don’t need to go into your financials.

It’s interesting though that you comment about not increasing your hours until future kids go to school. Most folks don’t think that way. How old is your son and when will he be eligible for free nursery Hours? If you’re financially in a mess as you say it may be worth planning to up your hours sooner rather than later.

I work compressed hours and have an agreement with work so I only need to send my son to nursery for 3 days. I have help with picking him up from my parents. If I uncompress my hours and work more hours I would have to work 4.5 days instead of 3 and would be sending him to nursery 5 days a week which financially works out way more expensive. I've worked the cheapest way to do it and this is definitely it. Even if it means crazy long hours!

If he is a good human being he won't run away because you have a low income and debts. That said, some of the threads I have read on here of late, where woman are indeed told to run away from men with financial issues, make me think a lot of people view this sort of thing very differently!

*We eat out a lot and I don't think I can keep it up.

but once childcare goes up again or if I take a big hit to my finances (dead car for example) I might struggle.*

It's really easy to get carried along and before you know it, there is a problem. Far better to say breezily that you have noticed your spending, love his company so would prefer to ....

If that's a problem for him, either overtly or he says well, just this once let's .. it's better to know sooner rather than later.

How are you choosing where to go? If you are not already, then start to alternate who chooses what to do and also pays for it.

You can easily cook for him at home. How he responds will get very useful information for the sort of person he is. The kind that brings wine anyway, mucks in, compliments you massively and has the same idea as you about when you do the washing up (together, natch).

Does he enjoy your company anyway or complain about the restriction? He will be showing you who he is. This is v v useful information.

I dont think its a discussion for now since you're in the early stages of dating but it is a discussion if you're getting serious. Perhaps suggest/organize some low cost dates - dinner and movie at home, picnic in the park, day out hiking etc

My ex dated someone who earned more than him. He hid it for pride reasons and ended up getting into a lot of debt trying to keep up with her/impress her.