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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH financially supporting BIL?

50 replies

Applefruitcake · 14/09/2020 17:20

So, every since I met dh, he has always been helping BIL financially. I didn't really think much of it at the time as I wasn't aware of the situation, plus he can do whatever he wants with his money. However, now that we are married this is continuing and it's starting to affect me. BIL is in his early twenties, he is studying part time, he used to work part-time but has quit so he can concentrate on his studies. DH is always giving him money for everything - college expenses, new clothes, going out with his friends, living expenses. Basically anything and everything. He has now informed me that he wants to take out a rather large loan to help Bil fund his business project! Every time I try to talk to dh about it, he gets very defensive and tells me something like "he's my family, of course I will help him out" basically making me out to be the bad one.

I don't mind helping out BIL if he genuinely needs help, but we are really not in a good position financially for him to be doing that, especially not getting into debt because of bil! I feel like he (BIL) is definitely taking advantage of dh's generosity and will continue asking for more and more.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 14/09/2020 17:22

So he has to stop supporting him now that he's married?

Can you imagine what the reverse of this looks like OP?

ohfourfoxache · 14/09/2020 17:24

There is a difference between supporting and getting yourselves into debt....

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2020 17:24

I would be ending the marriage. You are clearly not your husband's priority, he doesn't appear to understand what being married means, and he will destroy you financially. I certainly hope you don't have children with him.

Cabinfever10 · 14/09/2020 17:24

I was going to say yabu until I read about the loan that's to far for me. Yanbu to object to taking out a loan that you will have to help pay back as bil doesn't have a job so clearly can't pay it

TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 17:27

Your finances are joint now you are married. Do a budget. Talk about savings. Don't talk about BIL personally at first. Have a section of the budget for gifts and one for investments.

Wale90 · 14/09/2020 17:27

Helping his brother when financially solvent is one thing. Taking on debt to do it is absolutely not in the families (wife/childrens) interest and he should not be doing it, especially if you are not on board.

That said, does the business plan make sense, are you interested in what the investment might be, is there a good chance it will be successful etc etc.

I would be concerned he is teaching his brother that he can ask for money whenever whereas he should be aiming for financial independence assuming he is early 20s

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2020 17:31

The op's husband isn't "helping out" his brother, he's bankrolling his entire life. Now he wants to take out a loan to fund some business, which will probably fail. Come the fuck on. This is totally OTT and unacceptable.

AlexaShutUp · 14/09/2020 17:33

As he has been doing this ever since you met, it clearly isn't something new - did you discuss it before you got married, and if so, what was the agreement that you had then? If it wasn't discussed, and it wasn't a secret, then it was not really unreasonable of him to assume that you had no major issues with it. However, getting himself into debt is a bit different from just "helping".

What is the financial set-up between the two of you? Does he still pull his weight financially or is he expecting you to subsidise your family costs so that he can fund his brother? Are yout finances joint or separate?

My DH subsidises his family quite substantially, but there are good reasons for this and he was upfront about it from the outset. I contribute more to the family pot in order to facilitate this, but that's a choice I make because I support his desire to help.

I don't think that he is necessarily wrong to want to help his brother, but these things do need to be discussed and agreed.

PatricksRum · 14/09/2020 17:33

YANBU OP

Have you confronted DH and asked him to stop? What hit he say?

MomToTwoBabas · 14/09/2020 17:37

YABVU. He is not asking you to pay for it. You sound like a money grabber.

Ponoka7 · 14/09/2020 17:37

Is he from another culture? The debt impacts on you so that's unreasonable. If he won't discuss it properly, then it's a good reason to question your marriage.

Ponoka7 · 14/09/2020 17:38

MomToTwoBabas, the OP may become responsible for the loan, they are married. It could majorly impact on their lives.

TorkTorkBam · 14/09/2020 17:42

If my DH takes out a loan to give money to someone else then that means my wages are used to pay for the food, the savings for the future will be less and such like.

As boyfriend, girlfriend what you do with your money is your own business. As a newly married couple it is completely different. You are supposedly now a unit, building a future.

VinylDetective · 14/09/2020 17:44

@Aquamarine1029

I would be ending the marriage. You are clearly not your husband's priority, he doesn't appear to understand what being married means, and he will destroy you financially. I certainly hope you don't have children with him.
Bloody hell, no wonder the divorce courts are so busy! That’s a massive over reaction.

The reason he’s defensive is because he knows you’re right, OP. Go through some scenarios with him, like one of you losing your job, to show him how foolish the loan idea is. Could you discuss ways of supporting him that don’t impact on you financially?

SpaceOP · 14/09/2020 17:44

Where are DH's parents in all this? I think this is tricky because clearly this is the dynamic and for whatever reason, DH has taken on financial responsibility for his brother. Which is really not ideal but might be one of those things that you should have accepted or moved on from in the beginning.

The loan however is a whole different kettle of fish. Not least because the chances of this business being successful are pretty low - he has no experience, no contacts etc. So how on earth is he going to make a business work? Unfortunately, I've seen this happen a few times before where (usually) a parent gets into this process of believing everything their child says and buying into it, handing over more and more cash for the new business, the new opportunity etc. When really, the person is just incompetent/lazy/entitled/etc. And in this case, that's what it sounds like to me.

If you're going to go into debt for this, then you all need to understand exactly what is happening. What's the business plan? Is it credible? How will payments work? What are the liabilities? and so on.

Pinkshrimp · 14/09/2020 17:55

Hang on.

Op is it you?
‘BIL’ gave a box of chocolates last Christmas & you think his brother shouldn’t be so soft and give him any money or ever spend spend on him but he is happy to do so?

VinylDetective · 14/09/2020 17:56

he has no experience, no contacts etc

I’ve just read the OP twice and can’t see it says that anywhere. I hate it when people just make stuff up.

Jaxhog · 14/09/2020 17:58

So he has to stop supporting him now that he's married?

You clearly don't understand how partnership and marriage work. It means making joint decisions about major areas, especially finance. In a partnership, money is joint, (or should be. It's bad enough to decide to spend family money on major commitment when you have the money, but to saddle your family with a large debt?

Beware OP. If you divorce this could become a marital debt for which you would be jointly liable for.

Batshittery · 14/09/2020 18:01

I'm married and help support family members. I use my money - nothing to do with my DH, and I wouldn't like him trying to tell me what I can and can't do. (although I wouldn't get into debt to do it)

SpaceOP · 14/09/2020 18:02

@VinylDetective

he has no experience, no contacts etc

I’ve just read the OP twice and can’t see it says that anywhere. I hate it when people just make stuff up.

It's an assumption, true. But most new businesses fail. New businesses where the person has not had any direct experience (and as the OP says the BIL has had a few part time jobs, but that's all, I think this is a reasonable assumption) are even less likely to succeed.
VinylDetective · 14/09/2020 18:04

the OP says the BIL has had a few part time jobs, but that's all

It doesn’t say that either. It says he’s given up part time work to focus on his studies. We just have no idea.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 14/09/2020 18:06

It's time for Peter Pan to grow up and stand on his own two feet. YANBU

SpaceOP · 14/09/2020 18:10

@VinylDetective

the OP says the BIL has had a few part time jobs, but that's all

It doesn’t say that either. It says he’s given up part time work to focus on his studies. We just have no idea.

Okay, of course, your'e right. A man in his early 20s who "used to work part time" but now "studies part time" probably has loads of work experience and contacts. Absolutely.
Billben · 14/09/2020 18:13

YANBU. Even if you and your DH have separate finances, you will still be paying for your BIL yourself as well. Whatever money your DH gives to him he takes away from the family finances. To hell with that.
There is no way I’d be going out to work so I can pay somebody else not to work and just concentrate on whatever. We’d all like to do that.
If my DH took out a loan to help his DB, I’d be leaving him.

Billben · 14/09/2020 18:16

So he has to stop supporting him now that he's married?

When you marry someone you have obligations to that person. You can’t just make certain decisions like you did when you were a single person.