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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not even try for a baby due to being a carrier of genetic issue?

49 replies

Cloudcover44 · 14/09/2020 15:46

A few years ago I discovered I had a genetic issue (v rare chromosome disorder only known in my family which can cause very severe disability) that meant my chances of having a healthy baby were one in three. Recommended course of action was to get pregnant then have tests and terminate or IVF with screening (which has a very high failure rate).

As I was quite young at this point I didn't rush to make any decision. Now that I am married and in my 30s my husband and I have taken the decision not to have a family. This is for lots of reasons cost to NHS, feeling uncomfortable with potential terminations, not really wanting the invasivness of IVF and at the same time being very unsure about having a child with potentially profound disabilities who may require life long care.

We have a good life as a couple and came to the decision together. Its a bit sad not have a family but we're at peace with the choice and focused on building a really good life for ourselves without kids.

Other people, family members feel like we should be moving heaven and earth to have a child like some of my cousins have. It also means that my parents will not have grandchildren as I'm an only which is also sad. Others have said I couldn't really have wanted children in the first place and therefore it was lucky I have this issue and not some more maternal woman.

I don't think I am unreasonable to have come to this choice but others seem to think so?

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Bloodybridget · 14/09/2020 15:49

Not at all unreasonable, and the decision is entirely up to you and your DH. Anyone criticising you is a rude, nasty busybody.

Chottie · 14/09/2020 15:50

Your lives and your choices.

Your family members have made their decisions, and you've made yours. Personally, I would not discuss the matter any further with the family members. Some of the comments made to you by them are just awful.

Flamingolingo · 14/09/2020 15:54

Not having children is a very valid choice to make and nobody’s business but yours.

If you really wanted to become a parent there are other options open to you, e.g egg donor ivf, or adoption.

You may need to be firm with family members though. Along the lines of this is my decision to make and I’ve made it. End of discussion.

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2020 15:54

Not in the slightest. I wish people would mind their own business.

Sorry you’re dealing with such a load of shit.

I didn’t have any issues conceiving luckily, but I was told I would. My DH and I discussed it and agreed we’d try when ready and if it didn’t happen what we’d be willing to try. Not having children for me was preferable to IVF.

I completely understand where you are coming from.

username108 · 14/09/2020 15:54

I wish more people were as selfless as you op. Autism and mh issues run on both sides of my family so i wont be having any kids. Its just cruel.

Ylvamoon · 14/09/2020 15:54

Not unreasonable at all, I admirer you! You have your head screwed on and made an informed decision.

Original poster

Cloudcover44 · 14/09/2020 15:56

Thank you Chottie and BloodyBridget, sometimes I feel like the comments will rumble on until I get past the age of being able to have children at all.

I will make it clear its no longer up for discussion.

Also didn't mean to make a survey!

OP posts:

SayakaMurata · 14/09/2020 15:59

It's your decision and absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

I'm shocked to hear what incredibly horrible things your family members have been saying to you.

BewilderedDoughnut · 14/09/2020 15:59

It’s the right decision for you. My husband and I are also childfree and it makes for an absolutely wonderful life.

Many people have children and come to the realisation that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Many others have admitted given a second chance they’d skip parenting altogether.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 16:00

@username108

I wish more people were as selfless as you op. Autism and mh issues run on both sides of my family so i wont be having any kids. Its just cruel.

My two aren't having kids for this reason. I respect their choices.

You are very brave and mature and selfless. So many have kids not carrying about the impact on the child. NOT having kids is a valid choice.

I'd make it clear this is not up for discussion and nor is adoption or egg donation or fostering or anything else.

DianasLasso · 14/09/2020 16:01

Sensible and wise choice, and I admire your grace and acceptance of the situation.

I have a friend who did similar - in her case recurrent miscarriages, and the thing that worried her (because she worked in a hospital and was under no illusions as to the prognosis for 22, 23 week preemies) was that she'd end up finally making it to "viability" but having a baby with really severe handicaps. So she and her husband took the decision to stop trying.

rorosemary · 14/09/2020 16:01

It's your choice and they have absolutely no say in the matter. I say that as someone who did desperately do ivf. IVF isn't an easy road and I woupdn't recommend it to anyone who has even the slightest doubt. The only person who can decide if you want to have children is you. Everyone needs to decide for themselves and everyone needs to take their own circumstances into account to do so. You shouldn't be pressured to procreate because others wanted children. That's their choice.

Brunilde · 14/09/2020 16:02

You're not unreasonable at all, you can make the decision for whatever reason you like.

However if you would otherwise have wanted kids you may change your mind in the future.

Just for reference I have had a number of IVF cycles, and while emotionally a failed cycle is hard, the actual process I found very straight forward. I wouldn't rule it out based on that alone.

Tootletum · 14/09/2020 16:02

Having known someone this happened to, who did not know she was a carrier, you've made the right decision.

Buddywoo · 14/09/2020 16:04

You have thoroughly thought through these difficult circumstances and come to your decision which you are at peace with. It is no one else's business. All credit to you both.

Hangingover · 14/09/2020 16:04

Sounds like good logic to me OP. I never really wanted kids anyway but the faff it'd be truly to avoid passing on my shitty genetic disease (50/50 chance) doubly cemented it for me.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 14/09/2020 16:05

@Brunilde

You're not unreasonable at all, you can make the decision for whatever reason you like.

However if you would otherwise have wanted kids you may change your mind in the future.

Just for reference I have had a number of IVF cycles, and while emotionally a failed cycle is hard, the actual process I found very straight forward. I wouldn't rule it out based on that alone.

She's in her 30s. Why assume a person that far into adulthood isn't capable of knowing her own mind?

MinnieMountain · 14/09/2020 16:05

It's none of their business. People have different levels of things they're willing to go through in order to have DC. It doesn't make them bad people or mean they never wanted them.

Anyway, surely whether or not you wanted children is a fact? You have said you did.

Before we TTC, DH and I discussed how far we were prepared to go.

Close friends who have had DC2 (we stuck with 1) varied from only giving it one pregnancy, to having IVF. I don't consider the first friend any less maternal than the second one.

Original poster

Cloudcover44 · 14/09/2020 16:05

Thanks everyone! Honestly I've had worse things said to me than what I've put here but you all get the idea.

I know this is the right choice for me and my husband but of course a woman's choice to have children or not always seems to be up for discussion.

OP posts:

Moondust001 · 14/09/2020 16:06

I have a friend in a similar position - any child she has has a 1 in 2 chance of dying before it reaches adolescence, and a miserable life all the way up to that death. Her and her husband carry the genetic code - married to someone else (and it's a quirk of cruel fate they both have it) and it wouldn't matter. It requires the two codes together.

They struggled for years with "no children", "take the risk" and "get divorced". In the end family pressure like you have described led to the divorce. It was terribly sad, because neither wanted it, but it was impossible for them to escape the pressure others put them under. Nobody should make any decision of such magnitude because someone else wants them to. If you are both happy in your decision, tell people that the discussion is over and their opinion on it is neither welcome nor wanted. You don't need children to be happy or complete.

Sickoffamilydrama · 14/09/2020 16:08

You are definitely not being unreasonable. It's no one's business but yours I have friends who are child free by choice a couple who I suspect have similar reasons as you.

We have a few (not in any way major) genetic issues namely Autism possibly ADHD which do make life more difficult for the children and us as Thier parents and I was only thinking today if I knew what I do now would I have had children I think I would but who knows 🤷‍♀️

I think people often don't realise how big a deal it is bringing a new life into the world I certainly didn't.

Brunilde · 14/09/2020 16:10

I didn't say she doesn't know her own mind I said she may change it.

She hasn't said that she would never want to be a mother and hates the idea of having a child in her life. She has said they decided not to because of the difficulties they may face. Which is fine of course. But Many women find that the biological urge to have a child gets stronger as they get older, so the want for a child may overcome the concerns. If it doesn't that's fine too. As I said it is her decision. Just thought I'd put my experience of IVF as it really wasn't bad enough that it would stop me if I wanted a baby. No need to get offended on the OPs behalf

movingonup20 · 14/09/2020 16:11

You choice, end of. That said if you decide you do want a family you could adopt at a later time, (completely aware of the negatives but it's an option).

unmarkedbythat · 14/09/2020 16:13

Some of your relatives sound like vile people, OP, and I would end up losing my temper and asking why the fuck they think I would bring a child into the world to be stuck with them as a family.

SerenDippitty · 14/09/2020 16:16

It’s absolutely OK not to want to move heaven and earth to have a child. We had IVF with our own gametes, which didn’t work, but chose not to go down the donor egg/sperm, adoption or surrogacy routes. We are at peace it’s our decision and have a great life.

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