To not even try for a baby due to being a carrier of genetic issue?

[Cloudcover44]

A few years ago I discovered I had a genetic issue (v rare chromosome disorder only known in my family which can cause very severe disability) that meant my chances of having a healthy baby were one in three. Recommended course of action was to get pregnant then have tests and terminate or IVF with screening (which has a very high failure rate).

As I was quite young at this point I didn't rush to make any decision. Now that I am married and in my 30s my husband and I have taken the decision not to have a family. This is for lots of reasons cost to NHS, feeling uncomfortable with potential terminations, not really wanting the invasivness of IVF and at the same time being very unsure about having a child with potentially profound disabilities who may require life long care.

We have a good life as a couple and came to the decision together. Its a bit sad not have a family but we're at peace with the choice and focused on building a really good life for ourselves without kids.

Other people, family members feel like we should be moving heaven and earth to have a child like some of my cousins have. It also means that my parents will not have grandchildren as I'm an only which is also sad. Others have said I couldn't really have wanted children in the first place and therefore it was lucky I have this issue and not some more maternal woman.

I don't think I am unreasonable to have come to this choice but others seem to think so?

Am I being unreasonable?

My child has a rare chromosome disorder, and is severely affected by it my understanding is that anyone who carries the disorder has a 50% of passing it on to any child,how it affects the child is unknown however untill the child starts to develop.

You've made the right choice for you, for extremely valid reasons. No-one should be pressuring you to change that.

I'd probably have made the same choice.

But you shouldn't need a reason. It is a choice to have children, which means it is a choice not to. No-one but you gets to make that choice.

If you can afford it, private egg freezing would keep your options open in case having your own child becomes important later on

A close friend had a similar situation, had to have several terminations and stopped at 1 DC : but this was someone who always wanted to be a mother

Having to potentially have terminations is difficult of course so understand why you have decided as you have so far

@Brunilde However if you would otherwise have wanted kids you may change your mind in the future

Would you say ‘you may change your mind in the future’ to a woman who wanted children (or already had them)? If not it’s not appropriate to say it to a woman who has made the decision not to.

Of course yaNbu at all. People seem to have no filter when it comes to their opinions on other people's fertility and child/no child whether through choice or not. It seems to be an area that everyone thinks they can voice any opinion on with no thought to the person on the receiving end. I had years of infertility and resorted to hard comebacks of "can't have kids" which shut up 80% of people. That usually then got a follow up of "well, why don't you adopt then". I'm very grateful things changed for us, but I have not forgotten the journey and experiences on the way. Best of luck to you OP, give people what-for when they dump their unwanted opinions on you.

I think that you and your dh are being very sensible and selfless. My dh's cousin and her dh made the same decision for the same reasons and were met with the same comments from family. It was tough and they ended up divorcing due to family meddling and pressure. A very sad situation.

The problem is that many people still can't accept that other people don't necessarily want/need/are able to have children. My sister has said she doesn't want children since she was a teenager. She got a lot of comments from relatives telling her she'd change her mind. She's now 38 and recently ended her long term relationship because he wanted children and she didn't. Everyone and his dog has told her she's made a mistake and she'll change her mind when it's too late. She's been adamant she doesn't want children for 25 years so I'm not sure why these people can't just accept her decision and appreciate she knows her own mind.

I think you've made a very sensible choice, you know what's best for you. Please know that you don't owe your parents grandchildren, they will be fine without them.

@Bloodybridget

Not at all unreasonable, and the decision is entirely up to you and your DH. Anyone criticising you is a rude, nasty busybody.

I quite agree and think you are being sensible. You were not sensible to confide your decision to relatives!

You can have a very happy, fulfilled life if you approach your childlessness positively and I wish you all the best.

While I appreciate people replying offering advice on ivf, egg freezing and so on and I can see it comes from a good place it still sort of reinforces my sense that the expectation is that I should still be trying.

I have had genetic counseling and spent a long time thinking about this, about all the options. I was open to adoption as an alternative but its not something my husband wanted and so we decided against that also. Adoption is probably even tougher than IVF and both need to be fully on board to seriously consider it.

I think I still have something to offer children or young people without being a mother myself.

Of course yanbu. You are being very selfless and in your shoes I would do the same.
You can chose not to have children for any reason you want. Its no one else's choice or business.

While I appreciate people replying offering advice on ivf, egg freezing and so on and I can see it comes from a good place it still sort of reinforces my sense that the expectation is that I should still be trying

I'm glad you said that, people find it so hard to believe that a woman can know her own mind about these things and doesn't want alternatives suggesting. Sickening isn't it?

It is YOUR decision, and it is unreasonable of your relatives to even comment.

YANBU at all OP. Your decision belongs to you and should be acknowledged and respected by everyone around you.

It's an odd thing, reproduction, because so many people are convinced they have the right to an opinion on other people's lives especially where reproduction is concerned and it really shouldn't be that way. Hold firm and be direct; it's not their business, it's not their opinion which counts and you'll not be answering questions or accepting digs.

@Cloudcover44

While I appreciate people replying offering advice on ivf, egg freezing and so on and I can see it comes from a good place it still sort of reinforces my sense that the expectation is that I should still be trying.

I have had genetic counseling and spent a long time thinking about this, about all the options. I was open to adoption as an alternative but its not something my husband wanted and so we decided against that also. Adoption is probably even tougher than IVF and both need to be fully on board to seriously consider it.

I think I still have something to offer children or young people without being a mother myself.

You have a lot to offer many people, not just the young or children! Your life has value just as it is and you are making a mature, sensible and selfless decision. Good on you both!

I have a dozen close friends who are childfree by choice, all of whom are now too old to have children, and not a single one of them regrets it (several had their tubes tied or vasectomies privately because no one would believe they were so serious about never having children they never wanted it to be a possibility).

More and more people are choosing not to reproduce. It's their lives and they're adults whose bodies belong to themselves.

@ClementineWoolysocks

While I appreciate people replying offering advice on ivf, egg freezing and so on and I can see it comes from a good place it still sort of reinforces my sense that the expectation is that I should still be trying

I'm glad you said that, people find it so hard to believe that a woman can know her own mind about these things and doesn't want alternatives suggesting. Sickening isn't it?

Yep.

Your life. Your choice. No one elses
opinion matters

It's your life OP. If you've made your decision cool good luck with the future.

I think you are making an informed choice which only you and your partner can make. No one is in a position to comment or offer advice because only you and DP know what will work for you and the impact this will have on your lives and relationship. I know the choice not to have children seems to be an uncomfortable one for lots of people, maybe they feel challenged about their decision to start a family. Some people really do seem over invested in other people plans and cannot accept they differ from their own.

I also know several women and couples who have made this choice and have very happy and fulfilled lives and no regrets. I have one friend who chose to tell people she could not physically conceive because telling people she did not want children meant them trying to persuade her she is wrong! It is incredibly rude. From your post it appears you are both at peace with your decision. Having to justify it to people who have little idea of the hoops you would have to jump through and no guarantee must be exhausting. Shut them down, point out it is not up for discussion and you have the right to move on and live your life as you have decided. This constantly being dragged up does not allow this. And then start a conversation about their personal life and see how they like it (only half joking).

YANBU. Correct decision.

It's up to you and you alone what you decide.

Nobody else has rights over your reproductive system and, as such, they can all get to fuck.

Blimey your family aren't very kind are they???

What a tough decision to have to make

I'm glad you are at peace tell them to their opinions to themselves.

Haven’t RTFT but my first born was diagnosed with a serious genetic condition & my then DH & I both agreed that we wouldn’t have another child due to the risk (1 in 4) of a second child having the same condition.

I actually re-married & ended up having a second child after screening of my new DH so appreciate how lucky I’ve been.

If my first DH & I had known about the risks of this genetic disease we were carrying then I believe we would never have had children - & my life would be very different (potentially better) for that knowledge / decision.

I know where you’re coming from, think you’re making the right decision.

I think the only unreasonable ones are your family! Choosing not to have a child (regardless of reasons behind it) is completely your right. No one should have an opinion on your family planning, but unfortunately many people do not understand boundaries. In your case, your reasons are completely valid and your family should respect your decision.

I think there is a lot of pressure on people who can’t easily have children for whatever reason to not just accept it. Donor eggs/sperm, surrogacy, adoption/fostering are all suggested options. Acceptance never even though it absolutely is one.