to expect h to house me?

[MeImAllSmiles]

H and I are falling apart big style. Been together 3 years, no children together but I have two and took on his three when ex wife died. Loads of parenting differences etc, too long and complicated to go into now, but he has basically been blanking me for a couple of weeks and it's only a question of time before we split. He actually refuses to speak to me, therefore I feel our marriage is over. I've been getting worked up about council houses, benefits etc but it has occured to me that he has refused to do anything to mend this marriage and I want to ask him to buy me somewhere (he can afford it) to give me and my children the security we expected had he have been the husband I thought he was. Bit rambly I know but I hope you get the point. Thank you.

You need to get a free 30 min appt with a solicitor.

I would ask him though, you never know he may say yes or it may give him a big kick up the backside, not talking is very childish and no way to get things sorted, is he enjoying his life living like this?

I think you are right to want to get out i couldn't cope with living with someone who wouldn't speak to me and I don't think its healthy for the children to be in that environment either.

Thanks LMG, I really to feel that he should do this after what he has put me through, hopefully I can keep this anger and make it work for me coz the sadness is killing me.

(((((((MIAS))))))))

If he won't do it then you could go to the council and ask them to house you for now until you can split the assets etc and then buy a house with that money.

I've never been married so don't know all the in's and outs but I have lived in a council house/ HA house's and can say i'd rather live in a house on my own than be unhappy. It's what you make it.

Is it worth going to relate as well - if he won't come maybe on your own. Haven't done it but know that people always recommend it on mumsnet.

Otherwise - as you are married you have rights even though the children aren't his. Get to a family lawyer and learn what they are. Hopefully it will reduce the fear.

Big hugs.

When I had this several years ago, if the children were treated as children of the family, then that does give you more weight - eg if he paid for stuff for them and treated them as his. See a solicitor asap. Good luck.

Been to doctors to get referred back to counsellor for some support. Had initial consultation with relate last year on my own and he went bonkers when I told him. He definitely won't come but then again what's the point when he obviously doesn't give a stuff about the marriage. Am angry and very tearful today, but thank you so much for your advice.

Morethanmum, yes all the children have been treated as one family, ie all bought uniform together, holidayed, dentists trips etc, no question of that. Just wanted someones opinion as to whether I would be cheeky asking him to house us. We had been talking a while back about buying a holiday home up to £200K so I know he would afford it.

You are right to use your anger to a constructive way, use it to get you out of there and make you and your kids happier. Look at it like this... once you hit rock bottom the only way is up so here is the start of you changing things and going up. (hope that makes sense)

as a wife you have far greater rights in respect of the assets generated through the marriage. However this is a short marriage and so if he had significant assets prior to marriage you will not necessarily get an equal division.

you should see a solicitor who will help you through the mire!

This is interesting - my initial reaction when reading the OP was that if you have only been together 3 years and your children aren't his, then YABU to expect him to buy you a house or anything.

But obviously other people have experience which I don't, so if you do have more rights than I assumed you would, then do check that out and make sure you and your children get what you are entitled to.

And do as lovemygirls says, channel your anger and frustration into positive action.

Sorry you are having such a rough time.

Have you been acting as step-mother to his kids? If you had to give up work to look after them then a court would presumably ask him to compensate you for that?

Yes I have been step-mother to the children doing the same things I do for my own children, including taking his eldest daughter for her weekly blood tests and getting her into hospital when she has been ill (long term medical problems) so he must accept that we are one family with no barriers. I don't think he will want to go to court to sort things out, he was divorcing his 2nd wife amicably without solicitors before she died.

Meant to say that I don't work as he doesn't/didn't want me to and it is quite difficult with five children to look after.

Difficult one. I also think its a bit unrealistic as at the end of the day they are not his children, however you have obviously been a solid family unit iykwim? Without sounding to harsh can it not be part of a settlement if you were to split?

so is the house in joint names?

The house is in joint names, it's a big 6 bedroom house, too big for one family really. We have a big mortgage so if we sold the equity would only be about £80K each, not enough for me to buy somewhere. He owns his own company and as I said before he was looking at buying a holiday property so the money is there. I would be appealing to his moral sense more than anything, because of being with him I have taken on the wrath of his dead wifes family, they have made my life hell, but that's another story.

can you not ask him to leave, while you go through a divorce?

if the home is paid for already, there's noneed for you and the children to move out surely? it would give the kids some stability.

hugs

We have five between us living together, either I go with my two or he goes with his three, no stability for anyone.

oh dear - i'm going to get flamed!

you should IMO

sell the house

get a job

use 80k as deposit

buy a house with a very manageable mortgage.

Perhaps there is some legal thing that allows you money compensating for pensions etc - to look into. obv any savings need to be divvied out.

i dont think he has or should buy a house.
for you.

My personal moral code wouldnt allow me to accept it should i be in your situation.

Is there no mileage in keeping the children together?

It's a big commitment on his part to buy you a house if he neeeds to get a mortgage. What if he says yes and then decided not to pay the mortgage any more or he decides to sell it. Personally I wouldn't like it.

You have to get a job

I'm afraid i agree with custy.

I agree with custy too.

How old are his children & how old are your children? could you go to work?

I know I need a job, this is day one of my new life so early days yet.

I can see where you are coming from in that you wouldn't want to accept anything but I can't go into detail about what has happened but believe me when I say, he owes me and this would be the very least he could do.