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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect h to house me?

41 replies

MeImAllSmiles · 08/10/2007 12:35

H and I are falling apart big style. Been together 3 years, no children together but I have two and took on his three when ex wife died. Loads of parenting differences etc, too long and complicated to go into now, but he has basically been blanking me for a couple of weeks and it's only a question of time before we split. He actually refuses to speak to me, therefore I feel our marriage is over. I've been getting worked up about council houses, benefits etc but it has occured to me that he has refused to do anything to mend this marriage and I want to ask him to buy me somewhere (he can afford it) to give me and my children the security we expected had he have been the husband I thought he was. Bit rambly I know but I hope you get the point. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeImAllSmiles · 08/10/2007 14:15

Goingfor3, his marriage was supposed to be a huge commitment and if you read my thread on relationships you will see just how commited he is to that!

OP posts:

Tortington · 08/10/2007 14:19

darling- should my husband be rich in any way and we decided to split - he too owes me big time - BIG time.

but its not relevant.

point being that lifes shit - and i dontt hink its an excuse for him to buy you a house

i think that this should be done as per the law.

Bloodsuckingmissyhols · 08/10/2007 14:23

I've missed the previous threads so can't comment on them or what you have been through to justify him buying you a house

xXxamyxXx · 08/10/2007 14:23

you would be the first woman i know who got a house from ex!if he doesnt want to talk to you why would he buy you a house?

chocolatedot · 08/10/2007 15:05

Don't understand why after just 3 years together and no children together he should buy you a house. Where did you live before?

HonoriaGlossop · 08/10/2007 15:18

I have to agree with custy and others.

I have sympathy, great sympathy with what you've gone through and I can see how stressful and difficult things are; but legally I think there's zero probability of him having to or agreeing to buy you a house.

When you've gone through things as you have ending the relationship and stopping the things happening, is achievable; getting a house from someone you've know for 3 years is not IMO.

I also think, and I am aware this may sound poncey but it's how I feel, that you will do better emotionally in the long run if you seperate out financial, from emotional issues. Ending the marriage will end what you have gone through; that's great and a positive strong thing to do. Housing and finances are seperate from that; if you take from the marriage only what is yours and a share of what you achieved together, you will feel better about yourself, for life.

casbie · 08/10/2007 15:28

i think if your their mother or 'main carer', you'll get custody and the house. but, speak to a solicitor about it and they can make your options clearer for you.

i don't think you have to go to work if your looking after three kids. don't put that pressure on yourself. sort out what would happen if you divorced...

ie. would you get 50:50 of the house?
what kind of benefits are you entitled to?

i doubt the courts would want to kick you out of the family home if your the main carer for all the children.

also what do the children want to do? stick together?

casbie · 08/10/2007 15:29

sorry that would be five kids!

baffledbb · 08/10/2007 16:09

Yes in my opinion yabu.

From what you say you are going to come out of the marriage with at least an £80,000 lump sum. It may not be enough for you to buy your own property, but it is certainly enough for you and your children to live on say in private rented accomadation while you get a job (or maybe study for a qualification to improve your job prospects) for a couple of years.

You should consult an IFA about investing that part of the money that you don't imediately require to live on.

What I am trying to say is that the £80,000 plus that you are automatically entitled to is potentially a stepping stone to achieving the security you obviously want in your own right.

Skribble · 08/10/2007 16:19

They way I have had it explained to be is you would have to pay him the 80k to buy him out, but you do have the option to stay on in the house and when you sell up later on or when they are 18 you have to then sell and give him what the agreed 50% was when you split.

But I think this has to be agreed between you both.

You have to look at the mortgage anyway and figure if you can afford it on your own anyway as he will not be paying maintenance.

BeetrootMNRoyalty · 08/10/2007 16:52

There is more to this I think

yes of course he shold helpt to house you
But he may not so you need ot be prepared to rough it and get on with it

hard though I am sure

Original poster

MeImAllSmiles · 08/10/2007 17:00

There is certainly lots more to this Beetroot. Thank you everyone for your replies.

OP posts:

Bloodsuckingmissyhols · 08/10/2007 17:06

Hope that things are resolved, good luck and keep smiling!

LIZS · 08/10/2007 17:06

Is your dc's father contributing ? Could be a factor in legally determining whether your H should continue to contribute towards their upkeep and housing. Sounds very complicated tbh

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/10/2007 20:33

I agree with Custy too.

3 years of marriage and no children between you does not warrant him buying you or keeping you in a house. To come out with 80k is more than most women get.

He has no responsibility to provide for your children, their own father does. I presume he will continue to raise his own children so this is where his responsibilities lie.

Regardless of what has happened in the course of your relationship, he does not "owe" you a house. A good solicitor will advise what you are legally entitled to by law after a 3 year marriage.

morethanmum · 09/10/2007 08:28

I think he has a responsibility to ensure the welfare of the children whio he has treated as his own. I don't have an opinion morally, that's kind of irrelevant - morally I'm owed a lot by certain ex-dps, but let that go. If you need housing, speak to your solicitor, and explain it. Once you are not in a relationship anymore, you can't expectr anybody to do the right thing unless legally obliged. Sadly, I speak from bitter experience. Good luck.

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