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Original poster

To ask what you'd think if I told you I have ADHD.

47 replies

AyDeeAitchDee · 13/09/2020 21:59

NC as may be outing.

I'm 35.

Just been diagnosed with ADHD.

What I don't know is whether to tell people?

The diagnosis (and hopefully the likelihood that meds will help me get on top of some of my struggles) has made me feel a lot more positive about myself.

Yet I can't shake this feeling that ADHD has such stigma attached that I can't really tell people I have it.

Until recently I didn't even know adult women could have ADHD. So I don't expect many people to understand.

Yet now I see that being oblivious to my ADHD has held me back so much and made my life so much harder and more difficult than it needed to be.

OP posts:
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 13/09/2020 22:26

Well I can tell you from personal experience you are wasting your time talking to people about it. They don't understand it and might make understanding noises but the second you do something 'adhd' it's back to thinking you deliberately decided to do it and if only you tried harder you wouldn't have.

I would be very cagey about telling people OP. They do look down on you and being judged is not easy to deal with if you have adhd. And then they will use it against you in future. Not everyone all the time but enough. Sorry to sound so bleak but I know what it's like to have that epiphany and want to share it only to get absolutely no response worth having. Apart from whatever they have read in whatever stupid paper or magazine.

Great now that you know and have meds though! I'm amazed that anyone is surprised that a) adults and b) women get diagnosed with it. Do they just think the magic pixies take it away aged 15?? And everyone thinks it's about attention. When that is a TINY part of it.

Oo and one last thing. The meds that kept your dopamine levels high deplete your serotonin. Something to keep an eye on..,

MsEllany · 13/09/2020 22:28

In what capacity would you be telling me?

Because in all honesty, if someone I didn’t know well told me they had ADHD apropos of nothing, I’d think they were setting the foundation for an excuse.

If you were a friend and told me you’d had this as a diagnosis and were exploring medication I’d want to know more, as I don’t know much about it.

If I was your boss, I’d want to know if there would be a period of adjustment to meds and if you needed any specific support from me, or if it meant follow up appointments.

Everysinglebloodytime · 13/09/2020 22:35

Jeez I'm really surprised at these answers.

I wouldn't think twice about it, if I knew you well enough to know things your struggled with in the past I might empathise and feel pleased for you that you'd got some explanation and possible solution.

If I didn't know you well I'd just think OK and then get on with life.

Onceuponatimethen · 13/09/2020 22:39

I’m almost certainly also a sufferer Op. Haven’t got a dx yet.

I think it totally depends why you need to tell them

RonObvious · 13/09/2020 22:41

One of my friends was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. She is very open and relaxed about it, and it explains a lot about her behaviour. I don’t mean that in a bad way - she’s pretty awesome exactly as she is, and ADHD is a big part of that. You have to be prepared to be completely swept into her world though, and try to keep up! Anyhow, all I am saying is you are you, and determining the spectrum within which your characteristics doesn’t change that. I loved the way she was before I knew she has ADHD, and knowing it only gave me a little insight into what drives her. Plus helped explain some of her idiosyncrasies.

MoonSauce · 13/09/2020 22:45

I'm autistic, I have adhd and it was diagnosed a few years before my autism.

In my circles of friends and acquaintances, we are pretty much neurodivergent. It's seemingly what draws us together.

So it's not something which bothers me and it's useful to know because I can try and make adjustments in communication or expectations or wherever, for friends who have issues with getting overstimulated, disregulated, whatever.

No, some people don't get it. Many still think it's a childhood problem caused by bad behaviour and poor parenting.

It's so much more than any of those fake assumptions.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/09/2020 22:47

It would depend on the situation.

If I was your boss, I'd think you were explaining that you might need some accommodations and I'd be waiting to see what those might be (and probably hoping it would boost performance in some way).

If I was your best friend I'd think you'd probably been struggling with something to have not mentioned problems until after a diagnosis and I'd be eager to support you and find out more about what it meant for you.

If I was the mother of a friend of your child's I'd wonder why you were telling me unless it was mentioned as a reason fro you requesting something in particular, or part of a discussion about ADHD in general or something.

Are people really unsympathetic to adults with ADHD? I can see we'd probably expect adults to have pretty reasonable coping strategies, and I'd be annoyed if it was blithely waved around as an excuse for treating others badly or something. But otherwise, aren't most people quite used to making accommodations that adapt to people's needs?

Rummikub · 13/09/2020 23:07

I’d be supportive and curious as to how it impacted you. I’m surprised by some of the harsher responses. As a friend or colleague I wouldn’t question motives for telling me. It’s just something about you. One of my friends suspects she might be. And is likely to pursue a diagnosis. I wouldn’t treat her differently to now necessarily.

BertieBotts · 13/09/2020 23:21

I'm quite open about having ADHD so I would be supportive and assume you had told me because you wanted to discuss it. Congratulations on your diagnosis! I know that sounds like a weird thing to say, but just having context for (almost) everything that has ever not made sense is incredibly gratifying.

I agree don't shout it from the rooftops even though that's exactly what you want to do. Nobody else has been struggling with what you have been, they haven't wondered those things about you, so it won't be as revelatory to them.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 14/09/2020 00:06

I'd be fascinated and probably ask you 101 questions about it and then feel really worried I'd upset you.

janetmendoza · 14/09/2020 00:11

Adult DS has adhd. Sorry but in many situations it does have a stigma associated with it and he hasn't been able to tell employers about it or indeed take medications for that reason. In the army and other associated lines of work you can't have adhd (well obvs you can have it - you just can't tell them) and you absolutely definitely cant take meds for it. Which I sort of understand, but he was really pleased to receive the diagnosis and thought meds may help him, but he hasn't been able to benefit, because of their requirements

SuzieQQQ · 14/09/2020 00:21

Not sure what you would gain from telling people your diagnosis. I’d be wary to be honest because although you aren’t allowed to discriminate on mental health grounds, it still happens all the time.

minisoksmakehardwork · 14/09/2020 04:36

Wouldn't bother me. I'm currently waiting for my own assessment though.

I had a job interview and mentioned it then, as I felt it important to acknowledge the issue - didn't stop me getting the job (working with send students).

I've also mentioned the assessment process to a colleague who was gently teasing me about being super organised - I have to be otherwise the wheels will come off.

What I will say is people will make assumptions. I've already been told it is highly likely I have adhd but attention deficit as opposed to hyperactive. My colleague thought that adhd means always fidgeting while anyone who knows would understand this isn't the case - also slightly concerning given we work with a lot of adhd/add/asd and a whole range of other issues kids. But hey ho. I shall continue on my quest to show people assumptions are what causes problems for neurodiverse people.

QuickBrownFoxy · 14/09/2020 05:11

MarriedtoDaveGrohl can you please explain a bit what you meant when you said "being judged is not easy to deal with if you have adhd." ?

My DP has been diagnosed recently so this would help me if you could explain it.

Thanks

CSIblonde · 14/09/2020 05:13

I'd only tell those I knew would be sympathetic tbh. It's like depression, you get people who think you're flakey & they'll be judgy & clueless .

Porridgeoat · 14/09/2020 05:19

As a friend I would find it interesting and be supportive.

MyOtherProfile · 14/09/2020 05:20

Our neighbour has ADHD and she always tells people within the first conversation. To be honest it feels really unnecessary. I can see how in some circumstances you might want to let someone know, as an explanation for something but on the whole, frankly, who cares? There's a lot of it about and mostly you need to get on with it.

WonderTweek · 14/09/2020 05:29

I didn't realise there was a stigma to it. I wouldn't think twice about it, and would be supportive if support was needed. I know a couple of adults with ADHD and it hardly ever comes up.

hippyhappyhoppyhuppy · 14/09/2020 05:37

In your position I don’t think I would tell people unless it was absolutely relevant (eg it affected you at work) or they were a very close relative/friend.

Absolutely everyone has their own struggles and challenges in life to cope with and learn to manage and while I don’t mean to undermine yours, I’m doubtful many would go beyond polite interest and may make snap unfair judgements and decisions through ignorance or file you away internally as a bit of an attention seeker.

Bluntness100 · 14/09/2020 05:39

As a pp said it depends on what capacity you would be telling Me

As a friend or family member I’d want to listen, not judge and be supportive,

As a colleague or boss I’d want to understand the implications on your ability to do your job, did you need adjustments, are you telling me you struggle with certain things, Is it an explanation for performance,

It all depends on why you’re telling me and who I am.

nachthexe · 14/09/2020 05:57

I have a couple of volunteers with adhd and it’s useful for me to know as there are limitations to what they feel able to cope with that I would otherwise expect. So I have to put other volunteers in place to take on those roles. In all honesty if there was no real reason for me to know, it would be slightly odd for you to mention it, but only because I know a lot of people who are very protective of diagnoses. I actually support complete transparency to reduce stigma for all additional needs, but only when relevant.
I have strong adhd traits myself and could be dx but am not going to pursue it. I recognize where I struggle and am not (yet?) at the point where I can see a benefit. I don’t wish to pursue medication (although it helped ds greatly in the short term, he elected not to take longer term).

Racoonworld · 14/09/2020 06:03

I’d wonder why you were telling me. There’s just no need to go around telling everyone and I would think you were a bit strange if I had never met you before. If I were your friend i would be interested but it wouldn’t change anything, I either like you or I don’t and a diagnosis wouldn’t change that. As your boss the only thing I’d want to know would be if you need any reasonable adjustments, but again you can either do your job or you can’t do if you are good at your job it wouldn’t change anything. Great if the diagnosis makes you happier but I wouldn’t assume it will mean something to most other people.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/09/2020 06:05

I think i would just be interested to know more and, if we were friends, what I could do to help.

PopsicleHustler · 14/09/2020 06:07

I wouldn't have no problem with that whatsoever. Hope all is well otherwise and have a lovely day

Elspethelf · 14/09/2020 06:21

Not ADHD, but I went through unexpected horrific grief that caused debilitating anxiety and changed who I am as a person. I choose to talk about my mental health openly, especially at work. So many people are going through tough stuff and they don't talk about it from fear, but none of us are alone, we just feel like we are. Sure people who know may judge me for my struggle in coping, but people who don't know judge me without all the information. Plus breaking down stigmas seems worth it.

I am so glad you have a diagnosis and its already positively impacting your self worth!

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