To ask what you'd think if I told you I have ADHD.

[AyDeeAitchDee]

NC as may be outing.

I'm 35.

Just been diagnosed with ADHD.

What I don't know is whether to tell people?

The diagnosis (and hopefully the likelihood that meds will help me get on top of some of my struggles) has made me feel a lot more positive about myself.

Yet I can't shake this feeling that ADHD has such stigma attached that I can't really tell people I have it.

Until recently I didn't even know adult women could have ADHD. So I don't expect many people to understand.

Yet now I see that being oblivious to my ADHD has held me back so much and made my life so much harder and more difficult than it needed to be.

Honestly, reading some of these threads, attitudes really surprise me. But because of them I guess I'd be more wary of telling people.

However, if you were my family/friend/colleague I'd appreciate you telling me & hopefully we could discuss anything I could do to help/make life easier for you. I don't see anything to judge.

I have family members with aspergers/autism/ADHD/ & my godson has a lot of issues after brain injury due to a car accident. So I'm not unused to discussing/adapting to various needs. One particular cousin has several boys all with various things, but their (Now adult) daughter doesn't seem to, his wife does though. She's in her 50's now though and I suspect she's way past caring about a diagnosis for herself after all she's been through with the boys! (All now grown up, but 2 still at home & likely you remain that way)

I hope having the diagnosis helps you. I'd say tell anyone you think will understand/give you any support you need, but don't tell anyone you think can't help/will judge.

🌷

@QuickBrownFoxy It's called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It's probably the most damaging part of adhd and it's not in the DSMV or most of the books. Being rejected, judged and examined are absolutely like lighting a fuse for some people and cause serious depression in others. Probably 100% of people with adhd have it - and that's far more than the number who have the hyperactivity.

That's why I say don't tell people (because if you have adhd you love to over share). Because their ignorance and stupidity will make it so much worse. Like the people talking here about it being used as an excuse. Saying they 'would' understand. Trust me they wouldn't. Tell them nothing.

What people don't understand is yes if something's critically important you can do it. But not everything can be given critically important status. There's a finite number of critically important things and their thing may not always be one at that moment in time. Or something else might happen at the same time to sabotage that like them going on at you about something completely different. Bombard an adhd person with 'requests' and don't expect the outcome you want.

Meanwhile while a NT person is just at the beginning of understanding a concept adhd people have got it, worked it through and are at the end wondering why we are still debating the first part when it's clear what the outcome/answer is.

I read about 5 times faster than anyone I know (and retain normal amounts. The concept is always retained in its entirety). My ability to grasp some things quickly appears to also be different. Or should I say better. Now I could use that as a stick to beat others the way they use an adhd trait against me. But that's petty and spiteful and adhd people are not spiteful as a rule. We leave that to the NTs.

I work with a young girl age 17 who has ADHD. I’m interested to find out more about how it effects her but I don’t want to pry and would only discuss it if she brought it up. When I say I’m interested I mean..I’d never have had any idea. I don’t want to be asking things of her that she might struggle with etc.

In what context and why? How does it impact your behaviour as a friend, employee, parent, sibling, boss, partner etc? Why would someone want to know?

Most people only "judge" if it affects them. "So I have X." - no judgement. "I have XX- that's why I always must have special treatment/get more days off/ sometimes behave badly/ the rules don't apply to me/ I can't share the work or help you out etc" yes, judegement. (Not always right or fair but that is how it tends to go)

@FirstOfficerDouglas Interesting point - I think that people assume that if you are telling them you have some kind of scheme for getting always with stuff. Adhd people don't generally do much in the way of scheming. They are telling you to share or to explain and hoping to get some kind of understanding, or heaven forbid kindness.

Which isn't going to happen. They are going to carry in being exactly the same but with additional ammunition.

To expand a bit, I'm open about it on MN and on a local parenting/support/expat group I'm on because people tend to be nonjudgemental on there and it can be really hard to find support for niche things in a foreign language so I am open about it there. So most people I know socially know I have it. I have posted about is on Facebook (October being ADHD awareness month) and got a positive response, but I'm always a bit wary of doing that, as I haven't told my employers. I'm now on my second employer since being diagnosed, which was about 5 years ago. It doesn't cause huge problems for me at work because I don't work with paperwork but because I'm a bit "dyslexic about time" I have had issues with scheduling - I'm late more than I should be (this is despite safeguards I've put in place) and I have had times where I've mixed up the rota and not gone into work when I was supposed to be there and turned up when I wasn't supposed to be there (which I suppose at least shows it's a consistent issue and not just an excuse!) But I try hard to be a good employee, be early 99% of the time, and keep these things as rare as possible. If it was getting to a point where my employer was getting seriously narked with me then I might explain, but TBH I don't see what difference having that information would make to them - essentially I'm still an unreliable employee if I have these issues, and there is no accommodation they can reasonably make. I guess that saying it's a diagnosed disorder and I'm taking these steps (medication, getting the bus one earlier than I need, having several copies of the rota so I can double and triple check, setting reminders in my phone) would at least reassure them I am trying my best.

Generally at work I have just asked for accommodations directly, such as asking for verbal (non immediate) instructions/agreements to be backed up with an email so I have a written copy.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl - I think you are, sadly. probably right.

Understanding and adapting would be the better course of action but at what point does one say - "Ok, I understand but it is still not ok to do or say that in this context" ?.

I don't know what you would want me to do with the information, OP.
If you're a close friend, then it's just sharing your life experiences, fair enough.

If we are only lightly acquainted, why would I need to know.

And the reaction to rejection is very familiar - but almost impossible to deal with if you are on the other side of it - as parent or partner. Again at what point do you say "I don't like that; I don't want to do that; that piece of work isn't good enough; I am unhappy with the way you said or did that" - knowing what the consequences of that "rejection" are going to be?

@FirstOfficerDouglas And you are right. Having adhd doesn't give you a free pass to behave appallingly. You can control your behaviour. Not all of it all of the time. Not the little things. But the big things that you know are just unacceptable? Definitely. Because they fall into the 'critical' camp. I don't do certain things because I have that instilled in me from childhood. And there are many many lines I won't cross. Ever. Like hitting people or even full on screaming (without extreme provocation)

In terms of managing it or being with someone with it you shouldn't be walking on eggshells and if you are shame on them. Leave if you can (or at least be very clear that it's going to result in you doing so) because they need to know it is utterly unacceptable. If they wouldn't act like that with others then they can control it.

Like all things it depends on their underlying temperament, their upbringing, and what they have co-morbid with it. And what version they have (there are 7 apparently). So some are in prison and some are successfully living with it because they have PAs and jobs that don't require paperwork to be done by them.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl - thank you for that - for understanding - and for explaining. It is so important that we ALL understand that there is not just one way of thinking.

MN can be very judgmental with adults: "Go NC", "LTB" and "She is no friend of yours - ditch her" comments are made - and possibly acted on - in many situations in which interaction does not fit the "norm".

I try very hard to couch any comment or criticism in a non-judgmental, non-personal way. I know that others don't necessarily do that. So any raising of awareness of how different people think is crucial. But yes - walking on eggshells does nobody any good.

Well in my case the trick to getting me to do anything is for me to understand why I'm doing it. Think of it as one big method acting coaching session. . 'What's your motivation? Well it's x and y'. Doing the 'because I said' isn't going to work. People need reasons. I will absolutely get on board with doing things and if I have a good foundation of why I'm doing it then I'll remember it much better and have more motivation. Money doesn't motivate me (though I love making it) but helping others or doing things that might make a difference or make something happy does. A generic 'because it's good for you' doesn't work. But a more detailed look into how and why makes a difference.

Apart from when it comes to vegetables. Which apart from a few barely cooked ones I despise. No matter how good they are for me

Thoughtless comments can be stopped by explaining why they are considered thoughtless (specific instances) as the thought of hurting someone is mortifying. Adhd doesn't have cruelty baked in. That's for the people who have 'nothing' wrong with them.

I don’t tell people. Told two friends after the diagnosis, both male, and both said: oh, but I do that too 🙄
Problem with ADHD is there is not one symptom that is exclusive. People don’t understand that it’s a combination, intensity and frequency of occurrence of those symptoms that people “normal” people experience too that cause an issue.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

I don’t tell people. Told two friends after the diagnosis, both male, and both said: oh, but I do that too 🙄 Problem with ADHD is there is not one symptom that is exclusive. People don’t understand that it’s a combination, intensity and frequency of occurrence of those symptoms that people “normal” people experience too that cause an issue.

Haha yes this! "Oh but I lose keys too". Not enough 🙄🙄🙄 in the world for that one. Women say it to me. And in my head I'm screaming no you don't. You literally have no idea how much effort managing this takes and my forgetting keys happens multiple times a year/month even though I am making my absolutely best effort. You don't do this so just don't say you do

The problem is ADHD is a developmental condition, so none of the behaviours by themselves are anything out of the ordinary - everyone loses keys, loses their temper, gets dates mixed up, forgets a birthday, is late, runs out of clean underwear etc from time to time.

The difference with ADHD is that you do multiples of these things which kind of stack with each other and cause disasters, regularly and in a way which feels outside of your control and to an extent that it negatively affects your life. That's what makes it a disorder, not just normal human failures.

Saying "Oh but I do that too" is like saying to a dyslexic person "Everyone makes typos" or a depressed person "Everyone feels sad sometimes" or an autistic person "Everyone finds new situations hard".

Wow. Only just seen these replies.

Thanks so much for your input everyone.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl - thank you so much for your well thought out replies.

You're so right on the rejection. Even the slightest hint that someone doesn't approve of me and it's like a dagger in my chest.

(In fact the reason I hadn't checked this thread was that after 10 minutes yesterday I hadn't had any replies and felt rejected and had to close MN!)

I don't think I'll share beyond the circle I have. (Which so far is husband, mum, 2 close friends)

My temptation to share my diagnosis is to try and make amends for anytime I've zoned out during conversation or forgotten something or been late. So people may start thinking "oh, Ay doesn't choose to be a crap person."

But hopefully now with a diagnosis and when I get some meds I can become less crap anyway.

@AyDeeAitchDee At the pub ( yes it's Monday but 29 degrees!) but to all points 👍.

No easy answers and no solutions. Meds help maybe 60% and definitely calm things down 🙂

@AyDeeAitchDee I think that’s a good call. I had some feedback from team, but I think that’s really my adhd. Contemplated saying so at work, but then thought what’s the point?

As and when your adhd becomes an issue in a situation you can always mention it then to explain why you have done certain things.

My sister had adhd as does my niece. I’d be sympathetic but un-phased by your diagnosis. I might ask how it affects you. My sister has the endless dilemma of “where are your car keys!” She is very punctual though. Her best friend (also has adhd) struggles to get places on time. I’d sympathise with your sleep, assuming it’s as bad as my sisters and suggest melatonin!

My sis is a cop, her friend is a painter and decorator. Both have lovely kids, friends and pretty happy lives. Both struggle with their adhd a bit and both are medicated now. I love my sister and wouldn’t have her any other way!

It’s fine. Many people have it and it’s genetic so runs into families. I think I’m surrounded many in my family, with one officially diagnosed. Enjoy your life, it’s what you make of it, with or without adhd.