Should women wait until they are in the perfect place career wise before TTC?

[blackbutterfly4]

I am 30 next year, and I have a fibroid which means TTC May be difficult yet. My husband has low testosterone which means he often can't ejaculate without the help of viagra. So needless to say, I'm a little bit anxious about what this means in terms of planning a family.

Part of me thinks we should try ASAP. And if we can't have children, at least we would have some time to figure out what to do or come to terms with that fact.

But on the other side, i have always felt I should be in a stable career, and working for the same company for at least 2 years before even announcing a pregnancy - I feel I would be judged otherwise as I've been witness to colleagues whispering about pregnant women in the past. I have been in my current job for 1 year, but with covid I don't know how stable it is. I have never had a stable job - I was made redundant two years ago and then worked for an awful company until my current role. If I was pregnant now and then made redundant I would really panic - we could survive financially for a bit but I wouldn't want to be a SAHM long term. I would want to go part time but these jobs are hard to come by. But if I wait until I'm in the perfect, stable job, I worry it will never happen....

I know That is a lot of 'what ifs' but I would just like to hear how other women cope in similar situations. It is unfair as men don't have these same considerations when it comes to starting a family.

The perfect time doesn’t exist and in your case your possibly risking never having children for a bit more money.

if everyone waited til the perfect time there would be hardly any children born

Unfortunately, there isn't a perfect time. I had the same issue as you though. My workplace is full of women my age, none of them have children so I was worried about being the first. Luckily, someone joined and immediately became pregnant so I can see how work reacts to her pregnancy first. If you know you will have trouble TTC then I would get on it. You don't want to reach a place where you wonder 'what if' about trying earlier.

No, I'd try now.

I've tried on and off for ten years; I have a lovely and wonderful non-bio daughter but I've never managed to keep a pregnancy out of the first trimester.

If people make comments, I try to remind them of how much of a lottery TTC can be. About 1 in 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage (often early). It's not unusual at all for a woman of 30 to try for 6 months or a year without getting pregnant (indeed, you have to be trying for a good while before your doctor will treat you as having 'fertility problems' at all).

I don't want to scaremonger and obviously lots of women sail through TTC and have uneventful pregnancies that end in babies who arrive exactly as planned. But there remains a stupid, misogynistic, cruel myth that women 'should' time babies to be as convenient for everyone else as possible. It is something that sees a lot of women lose out on the chance to have a baby, because they feel guilty about TTC and/or there's never a 'right' time.

But if I wait until I'm in the perfect, stable job, I worry that it will never happen...

Pretty much the case for most women I imagine.

And when do you decided you're in the exact perfect, stable job. You could be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life waiting for the right moment.

The 'right moment' is very illusive and if you think about it too much you'll find that the right moment never comes.

It’s all a compromise. Don’t wait for the perfect time, don’t do it at an awful time.

I agree with all the others - there is never a ‘right’ time. I’d go for it. I have PCOS. I got pregnant the first month. For our second child, it took a lot longer and miscarriages. You cannot predict your outcome. Start taking your vitamins!

So wait . You get made redundant in 6 months, take 6 months to get a new job and wait til you're in that 2 years
That makes you 33. But maybe that job doesn't last that long or you're really unhappy for you last 18 months then get a new job. Suddenly you're 35.
Doctors will want you to try for 2 YEARS before they help so now you're 37 before you're even asking DH to jerk off in a cup (stage 1 of getting help).

See what this is going? It just gets later and later.

If you want a child, and can afford to manage worse case scenario on 1 wage, CB and possibly a bit is tax credits, don't delay it.

Fwiw my friend has 3 fibroids, concieved 2nd month. She's 39 and baby is due any day now. She is BEYOND lucky . Not everyone will be.

I never had the 'perfect career'....I have got DC.

No. I was having a mri last week and when the scanner suggested I think about something nice I didn’t think about my career level or a recent promotion. I thought about my kids.

I'm so glad I never waited for the "perfect career moment". I had my kids when I wanted them and then after having them developed a passion for something totally different to my previous career and ended up retraining and now loving my life. Would never have happened if I'd waited to have babies, or would have happened a lot later and I'd be even older retraining.

There's no perfect moment. Have a baby because you really truly want a baby - it sounds like you're in a "good enough" place with a stable partner and both working etc.

If you were 23 and in perfect health I would say wait.

At 30 with issues, do not wait.

My mum had 5 children - she was a student for a couple of us, travelling for one and in a low paid job for the others. She ended up CEO of a pretty sizable public sector org but that was in her 50s by which time she might have struggled a touch to conceive. Women have their children before their career is sorted because of biology - not a lot we can do about that

With what you've said about you and your husband, I would start trying now.

I was 31 when I married DH and it took 3 years until I was 34 to have DS due to infertility and requiring ICSI. I'm now 37, almost 38 and desperately hoping my most recent round of ICSI has been successful for a sibling, otherwise our journey is over.

You might fall pregnant naturally the first time you try or you might need treatment. I wouldn't put it off. Good luck

I really would just go for it.

Hi @blackbutterfly4 you sound exactly like me a couple of years ago. Sorry if I sound patronising. I used to think I should be settled in my company before announcing a pregnancy, even thought you're entitled to announce it from day 1. As soon as I started trying, I then realised that life and dreams (ie becoming parents) absolutely comes before your work.

A few things you should think about:

It might take a while to conceive. Firstly as you mention there will be a lot of "what ifs" if you leave it late and struggle, especially if you already know of issues which might cause a struggle.

If it takes a while to conceive, you'll have been at your company longer, and already established

Are you wanting to wait so that you're entitled to better maternity pay by your company? If so, I would have a re think. Write down how much you'd be entitled to , and if it's only a couple extra thousand I'd forget it. It's not worth the wait.

Of course it depends what line of work you're in, but the world is so uncertain right now I'd start trying now. You don't want to be made redundant whilst trying.

I found out I was being made redundant the same day I found out I was pregnant. It was horrible, and made the first few weeks of my pregnancy awful.

If you're in a job now start trying. There will always be something to stop you, but you've just got to bite the bullet

Have fun !

In your situation I’d say try ASAP.

Anyone who didn’t have fertility hurdles to overcome I’d say wait until ready.

There is no perfect time.

I wouldn't wait another day if I were you. I would also have your husband see a specialist and get testosterone therapy.

No. Don't wait. Start TTC.

Last spring, DP and I decided we wanted children. I knew I would be going to go for promotion this year and I considered holding off TTC, but at 35 years old, I didn't think it would be wise to wait.

DP and I took 13 months to conceive. I'm 23 weeks now and DD is due in January.

The promotion round is taking place next month. Most staff will be doing their interview face to face. I will be doing mine via Microsoft Teams as I'm shielding.

I know if I wasn't pregnant, I would be a lot more focused on the promotion round and would be putting a lot more time and effort into preparing for it. However, it's just not my priority right now. The pregnancy has become my main focus. I am going to give it a go but I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself.

If I get promoted - happy days!

If I don't.. it's not the end of the world. I have 22 years left in a 35 year career. That's 22 more attempts at getting promoted.

At 36, I don't have as many fertile years in me. Certainly not enough to warrant waiting until I got promoted before TTC.

The desire to have a baby indefinitely outweighed my desire to get promoted.

I guess you need to decide what is more important for you.

I think it’s important to have a career first, but you don’t have to be in some perfect place. The question is, if something happened to your partner tomorrow, would you worry about how you will feed and house your child. Got that covered, you are good to ttc

Like PP have said, the perfect time doesn't exist. Good luck OP!

I waited its the biggest regret of my life 😥😥😥

I agree with everyone else.
You already know that both of you have conditions that might make TTC more challenging. It makes sense therefore at 30 to try now.
there is never the 'perfect' moment career wise.

Disagree with the majority here. We waited until I was in a stable job with a good salary. Took nearly 2 years to conceive DC1 but glad I waited as it meant maternity pay was decent and still collected my annual bonus which stretched out SMP nicely. Took a lower paid role after maternity leave but again worked my way up and was able to get good maternity pay for DC2 Helped that my maternity cover was crap so I came back to a pay rise and a renewed appreciation of my work!

There are always so many what-ifs. For me it came down to what I would regret more, loosing my career or not having kids. In the end I did lose my career but I wouldn’t change it.