Should women wait until they are in the perfect place career wise before TTC?

[blackbutterfly4]

I am 30 next year, and I have a fibroid which means TTC May be difficult yet. My husband has low testosterone which means he often can't ejaculate without the help of viagra. So needless to say, I'm a little bit anxious about what this means in terms of planning a family.

Part of me thinks we should try ASAP. And if we can't have children, at least we would have some time to figure out what to do or come to terms with that fact.

But on the other side, i have always felt I should be in a stable career, and working for the same company for at least 2 years before even announcing a pregnancy - I feel I would be judged otherwise as I've been witness to colleagues whispering about pregnant women in the past. I have been in my current job for 1 year, but with covid I don't know how stable it is. I have never had a stable job - I was made redundant two years ago and then worked for an awful company until my current role. If I was pregnant now and then made redundant I would really panic - we could survive financially for a bit but I wouldn't want to be a SAHM long term. I would want to go part time but these jobs are hard to come by. But if I wait until I'm in the perfect, stable job, I worry it will never happen....

I know That is a lot of 'what ifs' but I would just like to hear how other women cope in similar situations. It is unfair as men don't have these same considerations when it comes to starting a family.

Do you have a job that will pay a decent maternity package?

I married at 25, tried straight away, ended up with ivf at 27, gave birth at 28. I did have a good job as did dh, owned our house etc, but I wasn't in my dream job, knew I wasn't 'done'. I finished off my masters when pregnant and then when dc a toddler did a doctorate- I'm now in my dream job. If I'd waited 5 years I probably wouldn't have dc or would've had a hell of W rude due to the problems I had. Luckily Ivf was successful 1st time due to good quality eggs. Went back a few years ago to clinic (34), egg quality was terrible! Go for it!

There is never a perfect time. I got pregnant with my first DC within the first 3 months of getting my dream job. Seemed like a (career) disaster at the time and was financially tough because I didn't qualify for the company maternity pay, but I now have 3 and a great career and am glad of that happy accident because I would have found the decision too hard to make!

There’s never a perfect time, and in most cases you scrape by and just manage.

In your particular circumstances I’d wait another year until you hit two years service - but not longer. Good luck, OP.

It would be lovely if we could plan when to fall pregnant but unfortunately, if you have fertility issues, it's not always that easy.

We started trying when I was 25. Finally had DD at 30. I'm 33 now and going back to uni next year. We're both desperate to have another child but I have PCOS, we've been TTC#2 for a year and I can't keep putting my life on hold anymore. If I get pregnant when I'm studying then so be it. Sometimes there is no perfect time.

Try asap. I was fertile at 32, by 35 I was infertile. Lots of women can have babies into their forties but they are the ‘older than average’ - there is also a group who lose their fertility earlier than average and I’m in it. I really regret not starting a family earlier.

I would say go for it. You don’t need to be in a place of perfection career-wise - as everyone else has said, that sort of perfection doesn’t exist or can disappear overnight so easily with a surprise redundancy or similar.

Personally, I’d want to have a financial plan for becoming pregnant - working out all outgoings, and income over mat leave, ensuring that I had saved enough to cover what I’d needed etc. I’d also think about what I might want from a job in the short term - e.g part time etc and think ahead to that and your options. Making sure your partner is on the same page in these discussions is also essential.

As others have also said, no guarantees that things will go to plan. I was 32 when I started ttc, having carefully planned a job move to a perfect family friendly local job. I didn’t have my daughter for another five years due to fertility issues and changed jobs twice and worked away because I realised that I didn’t want to sacrifice my career after all especially for something that might never happen.

I'd say you should try now. At 30, you at least have time on your side, and while it is tough, you can juggle career and kids. Although it is a slog at times. And don't worry about your coworkers. They are the last people on earth whose opinion you should care about.

If you do have issues, fertility help can take a long time to access. At least you can say you've tried for X years if it does end up at a doctor. Might be time to get on the folic acid.

Start taking folic acid now, before you’re actively trying.

Figure out your ‘baby budget’ - incomings & outgoings while on parental leave etc. Start saving if you need to.

Otherwise start trying. You’re 30, in a stable relationship and with a job of 1 year +. We’re headed into a recession and it may last ages. If you’re pregnant there’s actually more rules to protect you from job discrimination rather than less, so from that point of view I’d not worry particularly. By the time you have a baby you’ll be closer to 2 years in the job.

Don’t wait because you think there’s an advantage you your career to do so - unless you’re in line for a great promotion imminently, that is.

Start talking to your DH about shared parental leave and him getting career-ready enough for a break to take time off for a baby. That’s the single most important thing you can do for your career - make sure you’re both equal in terms of who does what to raise a baby right from the start.

If I was in your position, I'd start trying now. I had not long passed probation when I got pregnant. It wasn't ideal but I was in my late 30's so just had to go for it. Everything worked out in the end although we have decided not to keep trying for number 2 and at 40 the decision has had to be very final!

START NOW!

TTC month 3 now. I'm 34 and scared I've missed the boat. I'm fairness I did have the perfect career but would trade it up in a heartbeat for my baby. 😢

I know I haven't been trying long, so I know I'm a bit psycho right now but I've wanted it forever and I'm so scared.

Actually gonna post in TTC section cause I really am internally freaking out 😂

Also another one who is saying don't wait

I earn 3x DH have a very challenging career. Started TTC to at 30 and it took 2 years. Had 1 DD and then had 6 miscarriages 2 near fatal ruptured ectopics and was infertile by age 36. Then had to go through 5 rounds of IVF and £35k to get pregnant again

Someone once told me - "no one ever had good employee on their headstone" - don't put your career before a family

I'm going to go against the majority here. I was very glad that I was in a stable job with a good company when I had my 2 DC's. They were both premie, so a supportive company was a blessing.

Not only that, the job I was in was "easy" enough that it allowed me to juggle my kids and my job fairly easily when they were young, without loosing out on time in my CV or "street cred", so when I was ready I could transition into a more exciting role and continue you on with my career.

To be fair, as the bread winner, I never had an opportunity to even consider taking a break of any kind from my career (nor did I want to).

@IamTomHanks In fairness tho you lucked out.

Having a stable job is ideal of course but Op is 30 with noted fertility issues. If her job history is reasonable a year won't nessacerily have as much impact on her employability but it could on her fertility.

The reason I say start now is because even if you don't TTC just yet it's good to have a pre-conception plan. Get healthy, take vitamins, track your cycles, ovulation. Make lifestyle changes for both you and your partner and continue to get checks, start saving, come of implant or pill and just use condoms or pullout method. You don't have to actively 'try' immediately but it doesn't sound like a happy accident would ruin your life.

I also think you should start TTC now. You’ll likely have been in your job 2 years by the time the baby is born. Will you qualify for enhanced maternity? If you need to wait a few months to get that then it’s probably worth it, but I wouldn’t wait longer.

I started TTC at 30 with no known problems. Turned out I have a condition which led to recurrent miscarriages. I got treatment quickly and it was successful so I had my son at 31, but they only bother investigating the cause when you’ve had 3 mcs, and luckily because I was young(ish) I conceived 3 times in 6 months so got a diagnosis relatively quickly. Friends who were older (with no problems) took up to a year to conceive, so if I’d waited it could have taken years to get to that point, by which time egg quality would have deteriorated further etc. Problem is you never know until you try.

I would go for it ASAP OP. I started trying at 29. Never did conceive. Turned out we both had issues. I was in the infertile by 35 age group mentioned above. And I second getting testosterone therapy for your husband. Good luck!

You play the cards you are dealt. I got pregnant early 20s accidentally and it actually all panned out well, we were low income when we had pre schoolers so got a lot of support in paying for childcare, then by the time they were in school I was senior enough to have lots of flexibility so I can be at the school plays, don't need full time wraparound care etc etc. It worked out brilliantly and I don't think anyone suggests getting pregnant at 22! (Not saying I'd recommend it, but just saying you do what you have to do in your own situation).

So in your case, if you have an equal partner who would share the load and not expect you to sacrifice your career for kids and his, I would get pregnant. Work stuff can fall into place with determination.