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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lend my sister more money?

44 replies

qazwsxedcrfv · 13/09/2020 18:07

My sister has been with her partner for nearly 20 years and they live in a small terraced house owned by him. Her name is not on the deeds. She has a grown up ds and they have a dd (14) together. From the outside, they do not have an elaborate lifestyle. They never eat out, no holidays, one car, don't spend on the house, modest clothes etc, and they both work (him full, and her part-time). For some time now she has asked me to help them out when they've been short at the end of the month, and up until lock down hit, she always paid me back after payday. They were both furloughed and since March they've borrowed £500 from me, which hasn't been paid back (due to 'not earning full wages'). Today, I received a message from her asking me to lend her more money, which in itself, isn't a problem as I've always been glad, and fortunate enough, to help. Last October she told me they were in substantial debt and '£20 grand should clear it'. Now they're already an extra £500 in debt to me and I'm really worried for her. Her DP is a gambler and I've no idea if the debt is theirs or just his through the gambling...... or there may be something else happening as I just don't understand how two working people with an un-extravagant lifestyle could continue to run up massive debts like this. Her DP isn't very nice to her and they argue often. Our mum died recently and I'm sorting out the estate. Once her house is sold there may be about 20K or so coming to my sister. She doesn't know this yet, but she does keep asking me how things are going with 'mums stuff'. I'm not sure about telling her as it may or may not help regarding her current and any future debt. So, what I'm asking is AIBU to ask her about the debt? (seeing as I'm lending the money), do I lend as usual and just keep quiet? (as its none of my business), or do I say, no, sorry, not this time? I'm worried that the money she inherits from mum will go straight into paying off his debts and think that she may be better using it to leave him and set herself up on her own...... I'm sorry to anyone in this situation and I am conscious that I don't want to come across as judgemental in any way to my sister but I am worried about her.

OP posts:

BlueDream · 13/09/2020 18:09

So, did you give her 20k? Has she paid that off?

Shaniac · 13/09/2020 18:12

Its up to you op if you are happy to keep lending and never see the money ever again. Dont let yourself fall short to cover her but have you spoken to her about it. Obviously she must confide in you about her money troubles for you to be able to gently pry and see whats what.

Brot64 · 13/09/2020 18:13

The 20k is to come from the mother's Estate once settled!! I would ask what she needs the money for, the amount she is currently borrowing and depending on her response I would tell her I couldn't lend her anymore until she paid off the first £500.

I would also hope to meet up with her if you are close and try and find out what it is that's happening and what happened to the debt. She's living with a gambler after all he might be putting pressure on her to send the messages asking for money etc. I would want to get her alone and see if she opens up more. Would not give her more money for now. If they need food or essentials you are better off buying it online for them and having it delivered to them, at least then you know the money is not going towards gambling. Good luck and I hope your sister is ok.

LooseleafTea · 13/09/2020 18:14

It sounds very precarious that she has nothing of her own. Do you have a good enough relationship that you could talk to her in a supportive way and explain your worry about her having a security of her own given her partner’s gambling? You’d have to judge whether the right thing though as know her best

DeRigueurMortis · 13/09/2020 18:14

Yes you ask.

Once she asked you to loan her £500 she basically invalidated any rights to financial privacy imho.

That said her inheritance is hers to spend as she wishes.

If she wants to bail out her partner that's up to her but in your circumstances quite frankly I'd have a very direct conversation about her divorcing ASAP and ring fencing her inheritance for herself and her children - ideally for the deposit on a house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2020 18:15

Don’t lend her anymore. Ask for the outstanding £500 back ASAP.

When will she get the inheritance through? Just tell her when it’s ready to be paid to her.

She’s an adult. She has a job. She needs to manage her own finances and constantly asking for loans from you is annoying. The nerve of asking for more when she hasn’t repaid the last lot is astounding. Why haven’t you asked where it is? If her bloke has gambling issues that’s sad for her but she doesn’t have to stay with him and it’s not your problem to prop either of them up. What she does with her inheritance is up to her, not your place to protect her from herself. It sounds really stressful, I feel for you.

Intelinside57 · 13/09/2020 18:17

You need to talk to her don't you Op? You can't keep lending them money when there is already £500 owed. You probably need to decide how much more money you can afford to give them (I say give in case it's never repaid) and tell her not to ask again until all of the money they owe you has been paid back.
They'll bleed you dry. It's sad, but you can only support her if she wants to change her situation. Possibly she doesn't, but either way it's her problem.
The £20k inheritance, again it's up to her to do what she wants with it but surely the first debt she should pay off with it is the one to you?

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2020 18:20

If one of my siblings was repeatedly borrowing money from me every month, had a partner who gambled and was due an inheritance, I’d be having serious conversations with them about what was happening in their life. That’s all I can say.

Wibblewobble99 · 13/09/2020 18:32

I think you need to have an honest conversation with her away from her partner. Was there a will or are you just dividing things equally between children?

I would be devastated if I left my daughter £20k and it went to clear her partners debts, although if they are her own or joint that’s a different story and I’d be pleased they could pay the money they owe. However if shes even remotely unhappy That money could give her the chance of a fresh start so it needs to be kept well away from the partner, better yet ensure he has no knowledge.

Tistheseason17 · 13/09/2020 18:38

I would not lend anymore.

Coffeecak3 · 13/09/2020 18:47

The problem with lending to your dsis is it just enables her dp’s gambling.
Stop lending to her.

JamieLeeCurtains · 13/09/2020 18:47

Am I being unreasonable ... to lend my sister more money?

85% say you're NOT being unreasonable.

Have I missed something?

Standrewsschool · 13/09/2020 18:50

Don’t lend her any. Or maybe ask why she needs it. If it’s for shopping, offer to go with her or pick the stuff up when you next go shopping.

SpilltheTea · 13/09/2020 18:56

You're just enabling her partner's gambling problem. She needs to sort herself and her relationship out instead of treating you like at atm.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 13/09/2020 18:59

I think it is your business, since she’s involved you by asking to borrow (more) money.

I think you would be perfectly sensible to ask her to tell you why they’re running up debt, what happened to the last loan and what her plan is to deal with all the current debt. Make it a condition of any additional loans that she is completely honest with you about their situation. If there is gambling going on it needs to stop, and they need to have a serious plan in place to pay down the debt.

Don’t even mention the inheritance at this stage, get her to face the problem as it is first.

Or, if all of that is too much hassle for you (which would be a perfectly reasonable position), say no to the loan as it would be throwing good money after bad. Detach from the whole situation.

giantangryrooster · 13/09/2020 20:33

I don't know if this is doable, but if you have 20k I would tell them both i would lend them the money with security in the inheritance, on the condition you sister is put on the deeds of the house.

Don't know if this is possible for you and it should be legally documented, but I think this would be the best help for your sister. That and support if she wants to leave.

Standrewsschool · 13/09/2020 20:45

Not so sure that’s wise, Giant. She was £20000 in debt last October, and we are now a year further down the line. She already owes op £500, plus wanting more, so that’s potentially another grand owed. We don’t know if she has borrowed money from other family members (her mother?). The money may get rid of the debt, but it won’t solve the poor spending habits.

Caselgarcia · 13/09/2020 20:51

I would worry that her money is paying off his debts and she has no ownership of the house.

giantangryrooster · 13/09/2020 21:01

@Standrewsschool I'm aware this might be difficult, but it is a chance securing OP's sister co-ownership. Two things are vital with this. It should be legally documented that it will be deducted from inheritance before inheritance is paid out and if the house is already mortgaged to the hilt there is no gain for her to be on the deeds, so a big no no.

But lending £500 or 1k at the end of ( each) month is a no go. Like fixing a dyke with a bucket.

Standrewsschool · 13/09/2020 21:07

Giant - that’s good advice

yolio · 13/09/2020 21:12

Sorry OP, if you have to ask us here, you have major doubts.

It is something you have to decide for yourself, but whatever you do, any money loaned should be deemed written off in your head, because that is probably what will happen anyway.

somm · 13/09/2020 21:47

I would hate the idea of my mum's very hard earned money being used for someone elses' gambling debts. However, I believe her money was hers to do what she liked with .

EnoughAlready2020 · 13/09/2020 22:13

I love my sister and I'd do anything for her. For a long number of years, being a very young mother, my sister lent me money every month. I hated asking her but she was the first to get paid back each and every time.

Now I'm in a MUCH better situation, every time she comes out with me I pay, and now she's had children I spoil them like they're my own. In my book this is what family do. I don't need to know what she needs it for, I'd trust her implicitly to not take the piss with me.

OP only you know your sister. If you can afford it, help her out. I don't think it's nice that you expose everything that's wrong with her relationship. She will be embarrassed. Just don't lend anything you can't afford to lose. Similarly, what she does with the inheritance is nothing to do with you.

RoseByAnyOtherName · 13/09/2020 22:28

The inheritance from your mum might be your sister's one chance to get set up for later life, and it is really important that she uses it wisely. You need to be brave enough to talk to her - away from her partner - about what is at the root of their financial distress and to help her see she might be able to change her circumstances for the better.

I haven't answered your AIBU because I think how she uses the £20000 is far more important than whether you lend her another £500. You should take the opportunity presented by her asking for another loan to ask her why she needs it and to ask how their debts have built up to £20000. A bank would certainly want to know about existing debts before lending more because they assess whether they are likely to get their loan repaid. You are entitled to seek the same assurance.

This conversation might enable you to learn more about what is going on with her partner and their finances. If I was an executor in your situation I would hate to pay over the legacy knowing it was going to pay off his debts whilst she does not own a share in her own home. Ultimately you can't prevent this if she chooses to do this but she is your sister and you should at least make her aware that she has alternatives and that this legacy presents an opportunity to change her life for the better.

If the debt is not your sister's then perhaps her partner can borrow against his house if he needs to clear his debt. They really need debt and financial advice - but to the extent that you can I would emphasise to her that this inheritance belongs to her not them.

This is the last thing your mum can do for your sister but without your support your sister may not be strong enough to benefit from it.

rosiejaune · 13/09/2020 23:20

@JamieLeeCurtains

Am I being unreasonable ... to lend my sister more money?

85% say you're NOT being unreasonable.

Have I missed something?

Yes, you are missing something. The thread title was misleading. The actual question, in the OP, was: "So, what I'm asking is AIBU to ask her about the debt?".

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