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Original poster

Etiquette re gifted baby clothes

49 replies

Twigletmama · 13/09/2020 11:35

I recently passed on several bags of baby clothes to a friend of a friend. We are friends on Facebook but would never meet independently of our mutual friend. I had several bags of clothes which I was going to sell on eBay ( all nice stuff, Jojo , Boden, Next etc) but when I heard that this lady had a baby boy, I asked our mutual friend if she would like the clothes and she said yes. I passed them on to our mutual friend a few of weeks ago and have heard nothing since. As we are friends on Facebook, I had thought that she might message me to say thank you.
Speaking to our mutual friend yesterday I asked whether the clothes had been passed on and whether she had liked them. She said yes she was very pleased with them and was planning to keep some and sell the others as a bundle!
AIBU to feel annoyed that she is profiting from a gifted item and hasn't bothered to message me to say thanks for the clothes. I could have sold these clothes myself but decided to pass them on to be helpful.

OP posts:
ameliajoan · 13/09/2020 11:39

She should have messaged you to say thank you, but once you’ve given the clothes to her it’s her choice whether to keep or sell them.

You don’t get to gift items away and then decide what the recipient does with them.

Florencex · 13/09/2020 11:40

It was rude to not thank you. But you gave them to her, if you wanted to sell them yourself you were free to do so.

Legoandloldolls · 13/09/2020 11:41

I think the consensus is the you only give if you dont care what happens next. Or keep the best bits and only give away the bits you dont care what happens to.

Dont give her anything else. She is incredibly rude not saying thank you alone. Selling them as well? Like you say, you could have sold them and bought your DC more clothes.

Lesson learned I think unfortunately. Some people are rude and selfish

CalmdownJanet · 13/09/2020 11:42

Yanbu, some people will say once you pass them on she can do what she likes with them but I agree with you, it's rude and cheeky, don't pass anything on to her in future, did your mutual friend think she was a cheeky fucker?

Ishihtzuknot · 13/09/2020 11:43

Yes it is cheeky of her, she could have said thank you and offered the unwanted clothes back first. It’s rude of her to sell them without asking, regardless of whether you set ‘terms’ to accepting them or not.
I’d message her asking if the clothes are ok and any unwanted items to return for another baby, just to make her squirm more than anything but I’m petty Grin

Original poster
Twigletmama · 13/09/2020 11:50

I do agree that once you pass something on you don't get a say in what the recipient does with them but I was taken a back that she would sell them straight away without even being worn first. Particularly as she knew that these were items that I had intended to sell on eBay myself before deciding to pass them on to her.
Personally I wouldn't ever sell something that has been passed on to us as I feel it goes against the spirt in which it has been given.
The mutual friend said it in quite a matter of fact way and didn't seem to think it was a bad thing that she would sell them!

OP posts:
liveitwell · 13/09/2020 11:51

That's really poor manners. I would message this person, let her know that you were going to sell them but had thought she wanted them for her child. Ask if you could please collect those she's not keeping so you can sell on.

Don't worry if it's awkward she's not your proper friend and she's the one being a cheeky mare!

PS never give away stuff again. Lend, sell or give to charity shop.

lifesalongsong · 13/09/2020 11:53

Why don't you send a message back to say that as you were planning to sell them all you'd like her to return the ones that arent suitable?

Sanitisethat · 13/09/2020 11:54

She was definitely rude not to say thank you - that’s just bad manners and there’s no excuse.

I don’t think you can be annoyed about her selling some of the clothes unless you stipulated that you wanted back what she didn’t keep. Once you’ve given a gift, you can’t really control what someone does with it. But I expect the fact that she didn’t say thank you is, understandably, colouring your view on that part.

Original poster
Twigletmama · 13/09/2020 11:55

I hadn't thought of messaging her but perhaps I should.
What is extra annoying is that I could have made quite a bit of money from selling them, as they are all popular brands.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 13/09/2020 11:56

Sorry, once you've given them up they're hers, unless it's clear they were a loan. Either you could afford to give them away or not - and a big bundle to me would say "I don't want any of this" not "here's a few items to help".

I plan to circumvent any baby shower plans for me by asking for everyone's nicest second hand things they don't want to keep.

hauntedvagina · 13/09/2020 11:58

Yeah, she's a CF, she should have said thank you and she should pass back what she doesn't want.

My neighbour recently passed over some clothes for my DS, when he outgrows them I plan to offer them back and if she doesn't want them, let her know I'll be selling them in a bundle with clothes I've bought and will split the money wit her.

purpleme12 · 13/09/2020 12:00

Well I think it's wrong that she's profiting from things you gave yes.

EarlGreyJenny · 13/09/2020 12:03

Message her and say you're glad she's been able to make use of some of the clothes and those she doesn't want please return them so you can sell them. Hopefully she'll feel bad she's been rude and that she's a CF for selling them on.

ameliajoan · 13/09/2020 12:06

but I was taken a back that she would sell them straight away without even being worn first.

There were probably lots of clothes in there she didn’t like and/or wouldn’t put her baby in. Why should her baby wear them just because you gave them to her?

Particularly as she knew that these were items that I had intended to sell on eBay myself before deciding to pass them on to her.

Yes, before you passed them on to her.

What is extra annoying is that I could have made quite a bit of money from selling them, as they are all popular brands.

Then you should have done so. You chose instead to give them away so you can’t be annoyed with what happens to them.

You would be extremely rude to message her and I would be embarrassed on your behalf if you were to do so.

EggCups · 13/09/2020 12:06

A while ago there was a poster who was given baby clothes, and after so many months, passed them on to a friend. The original giver then asked for them back to give to someone else and was very unhappy that the OP had passed them on.

There were a lot of posters who said the OP was unreasonable, and should have given them back as the understanding is that the giving of baby stuff should always assumed to be a loan. I thought that was batty!!!! So it is interesting to see the responses on this one.

In this case, I think receptient showed terribly bad manners. Whatever she didn't want, should have been passed back.

ameliajoan · 13/09/2020 12:06

@EarlGreyJenny

Message her and say you're glad she's been able to make use of some of the clothes and those she doesn't want please return them so you can sell them. Hopefully she'll feel bad she's been rude and that she's a CF for selling them on.
Too late. You can’t stipulate what you want doing with a gift after it has been given.
Original poster
Twigletmama · 13/09/2020 12:07

I could afford to give them away but obviously a bit of extra cash is always nice!
In retrospect, I should have been clearer about what I'd like her to do with anything that she didn't want. I.e. give back to me or give to charity.

OP posts:
GetUpAgain · 13/09/2020 12:08

Its bad manners but I would let it go now, and never pass her anything in future!

user1493494961 · 13/09/2020 12:10

I would also message her.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/09/2020 12:13

@Twigletmama

I recently passed on several bags of baby clothes to a friend of a friend. We are friends on Facebook but would never meet independently of our mutual friend. I had several bags of clothes which I was going to sell on eBay ( all nice stuff, Jojo , Boden, Next etc) but when I heard that this lady had a baby boy, I asked our mutual friend if she would like the clothes and she said yes. I passed them on to our mutual friend a few of weeks ago and have heard nothing since. As we are friends on Facebook, I had thought that she might message me to say thank you. Speaking to our mutual friend yesterday I asked whether the clothes had been passed on and whether she had liked them. She said yes she was very pleased with them and was planning to keep some and sell the others as a bundle! AIBU to feel annoyed that she is profiting from a gifted item and hasn't bothered to message me to say thanks for the clothes. I could have sold these clothes myself but decided to pass them on to be helpful.
You'll be told you gave them away so have no right to day what she does with th but yanbu, it's incredibly rude to take a GIFT from someone and think yeah, there's £20 I can make I've had clothes passed on, and I've brought stuff. Some of the passed on stuff has gone into the bundles I've sold AFTER my babies have worn it and AFTER checking they didn't want it back (and were talking a £1 or 2 extra). Anything gifted that would have made proper money I've passed on to other friends or sent to the charity shop because that's the spirit of gifting imo.

She should have asked of you wanted it back as it wasn't needed by her.

Angelina82 · 13/09/2020 12:13

So rude of her not to thank you for the clothes, but at least you know not to give the ingrate anything again.

Original poster
Twigletmama · 13/09/2020 12:17

I don't think I will message her as I don't want to make things awkward for our mutual friend. Definitely a lesson learned for the future!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twigletmama · 13/09/2020 12:21

Just to add that these were very nice good quality clothes. Sometimes when I've been passed on stuff I've had to give half of it to charity because of the poor condition. This was definitely not the case here. Although of course there may well have been stuff not to her taste.
I feel a bit like she may have accepted the clothes due to the fact that she knew there was an opportunity to sell them but hopefully this isn't the case.

OP posts:
monsterad · 13/09/2020 12:26

She's rude. And I would be a bit Hmm about her selling stuff on - she should carry on the favour and give the stuff she doesn't want away. Not sell. It's not technically wrong of her, but socially it's weird and I feel embarrassed for her

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