Etiquette re gifted baby clothes

[Twigletmama]

I recently passed on several bags of baby clothes to a friend of a friend. We are friends on Facebook but would never meet independently of our mutual friend. I had several bags of clothes which I was going to sell on eBay ( all nice stuff, Jojo , Boden, Next etc) but when I heard that this lady had a baby boy, I asked our mutual friend if she would like the clothes and she said yes. I passed them on to our mutual friend a few of weeks ago and have heard nothing since. As we are friends on Facebook, I had thought that she might message me to say thank you.
Speaking to our mutual friend yesterday I asked whether the clothes had been passed on and whether she had liked them. She said yes she was very pleased with them and was planning to keep some and sell the others as a bundle!
AIBU to feel annoyed that she is profiting from a gifted item and hasn't bothered to message me to say thanks for the clothes. I could have sold these clothes myself but decided to pass them on to be helpful.

Was all of this done through your mutual friend or have you had any direct contact with the recipient yourself ?

You say she knew you would’ve sold them yourself but are you sure about that - I can see a scenario like this:

You: Oh does X want those baby clothes I have , I was gonna pop em on eBay but if she wants them she’s welcome to them
Friend: oh yeah she’d love them .

Recipient : are you sure OP doesn’t want these anymore?
Friend: oh yeah she was getting rid of them anyway
Recipient: awesome Tell her thank you !!

If you and recipient don’t message normally I could see why she would express her happiness through your mutual friend , although if it was me I’d send a message to the person saying thank you so much for the clothes so I can see why it’s bothersome

The plan to sell them on is again not something I would do - But the only hypothetical I could think of is this :

Recipient receives clothes after being offered them via your friend , realizes some of them aren’t needed/are unsuitable , doesn’t want to sound ungrateful by offering them back to her friend and thinks of them as a “gift” or “help” so by selling them she buys something she does need?

Either way I can see where you’re coming from but the mutual friend maybe muddying the waters a bit

She's being cheeky but you really shouldn't give stuff away if you want to have any control over what happens to it.

Give it freely or don't give at all. Ooh, and never lend, that only ends in pain.

I always say thank you for gifted things but I do quietly pass some things I don’t like on to charity rather than offend anyone.

I pass all my sons clothes on to a friend, and when her son outgrows then she gives them back to me... I usually then give them to charity or pass on to someone else.

I wouldn’t expect her to sell them and make money.

Such a cheek of her not to say thank you.

I would have a problem meeting up with this person in the future (with the mutual friend there) as I would be wanting to say something.

If nothing else she should thank you and give you a small gift.

It's rude for her not to say thank you.

However, a gift with conditions is not a gift and secondly if she needs the money more than she needs handmedowns that's her decision to make.

I think when you give something away you need to be very clear if it's a gift, if you wish for it to be returned etc so that both sides have the same understanding. For me, yes I could make some money back by selling my children's used clothes but it's not worth the effort to me in terms of the time it would take so I am happy to pass along clothes to others who would make use of them. Perhaps the person you gave your clothes to assumed the same of you.

Well they do say no good deed goes unpunished.
I would be firmly declining any future enquires from mutual friendship.

If she asks again you need to say - it’s not going to happen, not your fault but I was a bit cross she didn’t even thank me for them so anything that is grown out of is either going to the local refuge/charity shop etc as I know they will be grateful. Or I’m going to sell anything that’s particularly nice or in good condition. Obviously she will be free to make me an offer on any of those things if she particularly likes them.

I would never give anything away that I wanted to have back but I had presumed that it was generally accepted that something that has been given to you should not be sold for profit. I'd have no problem with her giving them to charity or passing them on.

I would have been so thrilled if someone had given be a bag full of hardly worn Boden/ JoJo stuff for my baby. I just find it very odd that she wouldn't at least message me to say thank you. By contrast another friend that I recently passed some baby equipment on to, offered to give me money and when I refused gave me a bottle of wine and a thank you card. I absolutely wasn't expecting this but it felt lovely to know that the items had been appreciated

I had presumed that it was generally accepted that something that has been given to you should not be sold for profit.

That’s your mistake; that’s not generally accepted.

I would have been so thrilled if someone had given be a bag full of hardly worn Boden/ JoJo stuff for my baby.

You keep repeating the brand names of the clothes as though she should be worshipping the ground you walk on.

Being good quality and/or expensive does not mean she’ll love them. Taste is subjective; she might have thought some were awful.

I think once you’ve given something away it’s down to the recipient what they do with them. She was rude not to acknowledge the gift in the first place though, regardless of what she was planning to do with them.

@ameliajoan
Wow you're pleasant! Yes taste is subjective. I'd anticipated that she wouldn't like all of the clothes but I didn't expect her to sell them. Clearly the spirit of me passing them on to her rather than selling them, was not for her to go on and make a profit out of them.
I've repeated the brands to indicate that they were expensive items which I could have made a couple of hundreds pounds out of selling on eBay.
Most people I know would think it is rude to sell items that are gifted, so I'd say this is also fairly subjective. Not sure you can say that my feelings on this are wrong. Or have you carried out some kind of in depth study on the subject?

Clearly the spirit of me passing them on to her rather than selling them, was not for her to go on and make a profit out of them.

Except that it wasn’t clear, hence the situation.

@CanaryFish

Was all of this done through your mutual friend or have you had any direct contact with the recipient yourself ?

You say she knew you would’ve sold them yourself but are you sure about that - I can see a scenario like this:

You: Oh does X want those baby clothes I have , I was gonna pop em on eBay but if she wants them she’s welcome to them
Friend: oh yeah she’d love them .

Recipient : are you sure OP doesn’t want these anymore?
Friend: oh yeah she was getting rid of them anyway
Recipient: awesome Tell her thank you !!

If you and recipient don’t message normally I could see why she would express her happiness through your mutual friend , although if it was me I’d send a message to the person saying thank you so much for the clothes so I can see why it’s bothersome

The plan to sell them on is again not something I would do - But the only hypothetical I could think of is this :

Recipient receives clothes after being offered them via your friend , realizes some of them aren’t needed/are unsuitable , doesn’t want to sound ungrateful by offering them back to her friend and thinks of them as a “gift” or “help” so by selling them she buys something she does need?

Either way I can see where you’re coming from but the mutual friend maybe muddying the waters a bit

Spot on! If I was given a bunch of stuff that was the right size but not to my taste, I wouldn't want to return them because I think that would seem rude and judgemental. I think mutual friend should have kept the ebay plan to herself.

In the past, when I was given baby clothes, I have always asked if the donor wanted them back. Most of the time it was clear it was instead of taking to charity shop, although have heard from a friend that most baby clothes are not exactly in pristine condition. (not a comment on your clothes OP).

But think it's really rude not to say thank you, and then sell them.

Definitely don’t message her but yes she’s out of order for not thanking you! I imagine she didn’t think you’d know she was selling a few items on and didn’t pass them back as she didn’t want to offend.

I ebay but also pass on the clothes I’m not selling to a very old friend. We’ve different taste (mine’s better!) and she passes on what she doesn’t like that I’ve given her to a single Mum friend of hers. Once they leave our hands OP what the recipient does with them is entirely up to them because quite simply they aren’t ours anymore. We’re all going to different taste as well. I sold on a really hideous (but very expensive) kids coat that a friend passed on to me without telling her as I didn’t want to give offence. She did get a big thank you and a bottle of wine when she gifted it to me though. Quite simply it’s in the not thanking you that this woman has been out of order, not in flogging the stuff.

I think she should have thanked you, and she should have given those she didn’t want back. You should message her and ask for those she doesn’t want given back.

I’m currently pregnant and a friend gave me shit loads of clothes, I was very grateful but said straight away “I’m being strict and only keeping things I love so we don’t end up with too much, what would you like me to do with bits I don’t keep?” And she said she had another friend she could offer too so when I’d sorted the bits I liked most I returned the rest for her to pass on to the next. All good. She also passed on a number of cloth nappies (which are often sell-on items) and we had a chat about those, she said she didn’t want them back if I didn’t want them all, so great. I I may sell some or more likely pass on to someone else.

I don’t think it’s right to profit from this kind of gift without specifically discussing first.

It was rude of her not to thank you if she has your details. She may have asked your friend to pass on her thanks which would also be fine. Maybe your friend forgot?

I think your friend should have kept quiet about the plan to sell. No need for her to mention that really,

It may be that the recipient could really do with the money. Either way you have helped her.

Sorry you have no say with what happens to the items once you have gifted them.

That is a fair point about the mutual friend. I'm not sure why she told me about the intention to sell the clothes. I'd have been happier not knowing!

I could have sold these clothes myself but decided to pass them on to be helpful.

Then you should have. You would have still been helpful if you gave the rest. I can understand being annoyed with the person for not messaging a thank you. However, you gave those items as a gift. Once you give something away, you don’t get a say in what the recipient does with it. Also, you were likely never intended to know that she was selling what she didn’t want and your friend shouldn’t have said anything about it. I also don’t understand why you would expect someone to dress their child in clothes that they don’t like just because they were given. If you were family or close, I would understand for a photo op, but barely acquaintances definitely not.

YABU

I also agree as other posters have said, a gift with stipulations is not a gift.

There I'd a difference between doing something wrong or being rude, and breaching etiquette.

I would describe this as a breach of etiquette. And I think most people would feel a bit miffed if they spotted a gift they'd given someone, for sale on facebook or Ebay etc without prior agreement.

As you say, you were gifting the clothes to help out, not so she could make some cash, and in doing so you lost out on the cash you could have made. So for her to immediately sell some of them does leave a bad taste (for me)

@phoenixrosehere

I also don’t understand why you would expect someone to dress their child in clothes that they don’t like just because they were given.

I have said repeatedly that I had anticipated that she wouldn't like all of the clothes. Of course I wouldn't expect her to use those ones. I had hoped that she would give them to charity or pass them on. This wasn't stipulated but I didn't think it needed to be. Clearly this was a mistake.

Sometimes when I’ve been passed on stuff I’ve had to give half of it to charity because of the poor condition.

Why would you pass it on to charity rather than throw it away if it is in poor condition? Charities don’t want tat either.

@Florencex

Sometimes when I’ve been passed on stuff I’ve had to give half of it to charity because of the poor condition.

Why would you pass it on to charity rather than throw it away if it is in poor condition? Charities don’t want tat either.

Charities take "rags" and can sell them by the kg for recycling.