AIBU not to sleep train my baby? Is it very bad for her development?

[Secretlifeofme]

My DD is nearly 11 months and she is breastfed and co-sleeps with us at night. She also has her naps in my arms or in the arms of her lovely nanny (I work full time and so does DH). Currently she has two naps a day, one at about 9am for an hour and one at about 1.30pm for an hour and a half to two hours. Then she sleeps at night from about 7pm to 6am, waking between two and four times a night for milk.

My question is, is it bad for her development to leave her like this? Do I have to sleep train her and if I do, will it make her sleep better? I kind of assumed her sleep was bad and she needed training to sleep independently, but DH is of the view that she will naturally stop wanting to co-sleep eventually and we should just go with it. He thinks the only reason people sleep train is to benefit their own lifestyle rather than it actually being beneficial for the baby. He points out that DD is very happy, rarely cries and is developing well (all of which is true) so why change things?

I'm just not sure! For example, will she eventually night wean naturally, or is this something I can only achieve with training? And does it matter that she isn't sleeping through the night? There are so many different schools of thought that I'm getting very confused... Any advice would be appreciated!

If it's working for you at the moment, there's no need to change things right now and it is not harming her development. She may night wean by herself, she may need a bit of encouragement. You don't need to make a decision now about the future, you can see how things develop.

I would try and get out of the habit of sitting with her for an hour + when she naps through the day. That’s very restrictive for you and especially her nanny who is looking after her while you work.
Does your DH think sleep training is the work if the devil or something?!

There’s no right or wrong answer. Some people find that sleep training benefits their babies, others don’t. If the current arrangement is working and you’re all happy with it, you don’t have to change things.

Waking up 4 times at 11 months seems crazy to me. But obvs you dont mind so keep it up. Eventually you have to train her to do basically all things. Like talking and walking so i dont see why you wouldn't "train" her to wake up as much. But each to their own. I prefered my sleep at night 😊

I agree with the PP except to say two hours of holding an 11mo old? Ooh you’re a stronger woman than me (or your nanny is!) we sleep trained and it saved me. But you do you - if you’re happy and your child is happy then it’s fine. If you’re not, if you’d like longer stretches of sleep yourself or to have her nap time to do something other than hold her, then yes there are ways to go about encouraging it.
Whatever you’re happy with OP! Your baby your rules.

It certainly won't harm her development. I would be working on putting her down for naps though. Ain't no one got time for that.

There are two people in a breastfeeding relationship. She's allowed to decide she doesn't want milk at night anymore if it's not working for her; you're also allowed to decide to change things if it's not working for you. If you're both happy, you can keep things as they are.

Tbh, your husband's opinion is important, but you and the baby get the casting votes.

I know, the contact napping is difficult. In fact she will nap alone but then she doesn't nap for such a long time because she needs help settling herself if she stirs...it's actually the naps that are making me think we should train her.

I didn't sleep train mine and she did start self settling and sleeping through the night on her own. It's not wrong to sleep train but it may not be necessary if this is working for you.

I never sleep trained mine, but I was a sahm and just napped myself sometimes if nighttime was disrupted. We co slept until Dd2 was ... um 7.

Personally, I think sleep is one of the single most important aspects of child (and personal) development.

People with poor sleep patterns tend to suffer more MH issues, are more likely to be overweight, suffer more physical health issues and do less well at school. I work with teens excluded from school (ie kids who've been in a lot of trouble!) and we run a programme for them on sleep hygiene, as so many don't have good sleep patterns. Although no one can pretend sleep is their only issue, better sleep makes a big difference.

Whether it needs to be achieved at 11 months of course is another thing altogether, but I do think it's very important for health and wellbeing.

You do need to crack the napping really. It’s not fair on the nanny. My first only slept on me until 11m but we didn’t think it was fair on her to go to nursery and not be able to nap in a cot. We did it in about 3 days and it made life so much easier. When she drops to one nap, it is unfair to expect the nanny to sit with her for 2-3 hours in one stint.

Is your DH spending hours as weekends holding her while she sleeps? If not he needs to take his turn, otherwise your opinion on training her overrules his!

We did zero sleep training as we just don't agree with it personally and everything was fine for us. If u don't want to sleep train then don't

What a surprise, you're the one dealing with 2-4 night wakings (because of breastfeeding) and your DH doesn't see a problem with it, well of course he doesn't, he's getting a full uninterrupted night's sleep while you're not!

You need to consider whether you are happy doing this, if you are, great, but if you would prefer to stop or reduce the night feeds and night wakings, then it would be perfectly reasonable to do some kind of sleep training. Personally, with DC1 who was a terrible sleeper, we were really struggling with the sleep deprivation, and decided to stop the night feeds when he was 10 months old (I did continue to breastfeed morning, daytime and bedtime) and we all slept much better which did us all all good (me especially!)

I do think it's a bit ridiculous to be holding your DD for all her naps, personally I would be wanting to do something about that by now, but again it's up to you if you are happy to continue doing it.

For sensible advice about sleep and sleep training, I recommend the Huckleberry app and this website: www.babysleepscience.com/resource-blog
(I find it balanced, which seems rare when it comes to the sleep training debate!)

Up to you. I think good sleep and good sleep habits are a really high priority - leaving aside your (adult) sleep and how you’re functioning on broken sleep, I think children benefit from a full night’s uninterrupted sleep. I therefore sleep trained young and would again. Other people are much more focused on “well if my baby wants to be held/fed, I’ll do that, they’re so little” - that’s the priority. You need to decide what works for your family.

I agree about the napping. This isn’t good; she needs to learn to self-settle if she wakes (usually as she transitions from one sleep cycle to another I imagine). It’s also very restrictive for the nanny. If our nanny had to do this, she couldn’t do all the other things she does, like preparing our son’s food, washing his clothes when necessary and so on.

I think it’s very impractical. And regardless of whether it is beneficial only for you (rather than your child) to change her sleep - that’s not a crime. Children need to learn to adapt to living with others and realise the world doesn’t revolve around them and their needs.

My first child was a terrible sleeper, but did eventually sleep through on his own and self-weaned at about 18mo. We didn't co sleep with him because he slept like an angry octopus.

My second was a good sleeper, and slept with us until she was nearly 3. She self-weaned around 2 1/2, but I did gentle night weaning when she was around 2 because I was sick of nursing in the night (just told her that my boobs were asleep and she could see them in the morning and gave her a cuddle--this was enough at that age).

I would say if you're happy, there is no need to sleep train (actually I think the reasons to sleep train are really limited, and the science isn't great to support it) . As for night weaning or weaning at all, it's YOUR boobs, not your husbands or your nanny's or your daughters, so if you're done, then that's a good enough reason, but you don't need to stop because the books say you should.

Also agree with first paragraph of the post from
@NameChange30

It's very personal. I didn't sleep train, but DD went from walking every two hours to sleeping through when we moved her to her own room at 7 months. Unsurprisingly, she also became a much happier baby during the day then as she was so much better rested. She's now a two year old, and I know I have much more patience for all that brings when I've had a decent night's sleep. Very hard to be patient with a toddler tantrum when you've been up all night.

I personally would be working on the naps - I'd rather have an hour baby free than a two hour nap with her on me! And I do think it's quite a big ask of your nanny.

Your DH is of course entitled to his opinion as a parent - but it's noticeable he isn't actually doing any of these night feeds or contact naps, so it's easy for him to say keep going!

I didn’t sleep train my second as none of the gentler methods worked and I don’t believe in cry it out.

It was very tiring, especially when I returned to work (I work full time as school SLT) but eventually we got into a bit of a groove with co-sleeping and I enjoyed holding him for the weekend naps as a chance to unwind for myself as well.

He has just turned three and about a month ago announced that he would sleep by himself in his ‘big boy bed’. Has slept twelve hours a night undisturbed since. I believe he did it when he was ready.

If it were my baby then I'd want her "out of my hands" during naps as they are the only times I can get anything done in the house or have a shower etc. If that isn't a problem for you then you don't have to stop having her nap in yours/the nanny's arms - I'd love to have a couple of hours each day to sit and read/watch TV etc with my baby sleeping on me!

Also, at 11 months she probably isn't waking that many times in the night because she's hungry, it's more just out of habit and comfort. Again, if you're ok with that though then that's fine. My (breast fed) baby night weaned himself at around 10 months but other babies take more persuading and work. I'd also say that from experience, the older they are the worse any habit is to break (unless they do it naturally) but that doesn't mean you should change anything just for the sake of it if you're both happy and you don't have any major life changes coming up which will force you to change this routine.

Some good points here, thanks all. Food for thought. Those of you saying you didn't sleep train, what did you do for naps please?

My 3yo was like this - breastfed, co-slept and contact napped. At about 1yo she started having 1 nap of about 2-3 hours and I could put her down for it in her cot - I just kept trying the cot til one day it worked, never left her to cry. Around 18mo she fully night weaned and started sleeping through, again following her lead. At 2yo she went in her own room and bed - she helped pick out nice bedding and a new teddy and she loved it. Now she sleeps 7pm-7am in her own room, no wake ups. All done without sleep training and at her pace. I'm lucky in that I work part time though. If I was full time and needed my sleep badly it may have been a different story or if co sleeping had meant I didn't sleep well but I found I got more sleep when she was in with me.

DD had to nap on me or in the car until she was about 6 months. Then something seemed to shift and I just sort of sensed she'd go down, and she did.

If she'll go down but not for as long, I'd start there. Presume you're doing white noise etc?

Like I say, we didn't really sleep train, and I don't know if I would've at 11 months either, but as others have said I do think sleep is an important skill. Some babies need more help than others.