AIBU not to sleep train my baby? Is it very bad for her development?

[Secretlifeofme]

My DD is nearly 11 months and she is breastfed and co-sleeps with us at night. She also has her naps in my arms or in the arms of her lovely nanny (I work full time and so does DH). Currently she has two naps a day, one at about 9am for an hour and one at about 1.30pm for an hour and a half to two hours. Then she sleeps at night from about 7pm to 6am, waking between two and four times a night for milk.

My question is, is it bad for her development to leave her like this? Do I have to sleep train her and if I do, will it make her sleep better? I kind of assumed her sleep was bad and she needed training to sleep independently, but DH is of the view that she will naturally stop wanting to co-sleep eventually and we should just go with it. He thinks the only reason people sleep train is to benefit their own lifestyle rather than it actually being beneficial for the baby. He points out that DD is very happy, rarely cries and is developing well (all of which is true) so why change things?

I'm just not sure! For example, will she eventually night wean naturally, or is this something I can only achieve with training? And does it matter that she isn't sleeping through the night? There are so many different schools of thought that I'm getting very confused... Any advice would be appreciated!

DS was the exactly like this. She’ll eventually grow out of all these things but it will take time. I coslept and breast fed DS for about four years and held him while he napped for about a year and a half. He’s four and a half now and can sleep through the night alone and nap alone. They get there in the end.

Hi, if she can't settle herself by that age then I think some gentle sleep training may help

I ended up back carrying for naps so I could at least move about and do things if needed. You could see nap training and night training as separate, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

" Those of you saying you didn't sleep train, what did you do for naps please?"

Ds napped in my arms most of the time (sometimes in the buggy) until he was ten months old and I know loads of people think that is crazy but I just loved every single second of it and don't care what others think. The cuddles were so valuable to us both and it worked for us. After ten months I just started putting him in his cot and there he slept - I didn't need to do anything to get him to adapt, he was just ready. I've never left him to cry. At ten months he also started sleeping through the night once in a while and by the entire he was 1 he was doing it every night. I hope things improve for u soon op.

With naps, although they won't sleep as long initially, they will get used to it and eventually sleep for longer. I'd pick one nap to start with in the cot and go from there.

Every child is different, of my 3 - one didn't need sleep training, one responded to the gentle methods and one we resorted to cry it out (at toddler age) as everyone was exhausted and nothing else worked. A year is probably the youngest I'd start any sort of sleep training, and then with the gentle methods.

DH is of the view that she will naturally stop wanting to co-sleep eventually and we should just go with it. He thinks the only reason people sleep train is to benefit their own lifestyle rather than it actually being beneficial for the baby. He points out that DD is very happy, rarely cries and is developing well (all of which is true) so why change things?

Speaking of making decisions based on the benefits to one's own life, do make sure this isn't a response based on what will be simplest for him. He is, after all, not having to do any night feeds at the moment and is therefore protected from the downsides of his beliefs. Whereas if you do decide that DD needs to be sleep trained, it's likely that the person who isn't lactating will have to take the lead there.

WRT daytime naps, what happens if you have to go somewhere at those times? Will she sleep whilst being pushed/driven? There are some DC who just won't sleep anywhere other than a certain place but if you can possibly avoid that it's obviously easier all round.

I tried sleep training more than once, DS didn't respond well at all. In fact it made him worse. I think sleep is developmental, at least it was for us. One day, just flipped a switch and he went to bed and dropped off and that was that.

Do you want to hold her for every nap? Sounds very restrictive. Babies and sleep is very personal and you have to decide what you’re aiming for. I aimed for mine to go down at 7 and sleep through and be able to self settle. But that was my preference.

If you're all happy with the situation, then leave it. I didn't sleep train my daughter - we tried periodically and it was torture as she just didn't stop crying and got herself more and more hysterical. Personally for us, it didn't feel right and it did feel like it would be persisting just to suit our own lives, so we let her decide when she was ready for her own bed (just to warn you, this was around 2!). Some babies really take to it with minimal fuss, so you could try it and see. It is very restrictive, but they don't stay babies forever. I did feel judged by my firends, but I didn't really care and didn't judge those of them who did sleep train. We're all different and our lives, temperaments and stress points are different.

Do what' feels right for you. I never sleep trained mine (big gaps and different theories about sleep, weaning etc from professionals). Just did what felt natural and my DC's are now chilled, relaxed amazing young adults and children. I also really miss the nap times on me, which was a lovely, bonding relaxing time for me.

It's not a 'one size fits all' situation though.

My 20mo was like this at 11mo. At 13 or 14mo she dropped to just one night feed at 11pm and that’s stuck. She also is fed down for naps and then can be left to sleep. I think sleep is developmental, you don’t ‘need’ to sleep train. But sleep training can sometimes hurry along development and make things pleasanter for your family.

Basically if sleep is a problem for your family then do something about it but it’s not necessary.

Both my DDs started off similar to what you describe, DD1 started sleeping through of her own accord at 9m but DD2 never did so I night weaned her around 21m - took about 2 weeks of disrupted sleep, some tears the first 3 nights while I held her, now she sleeps through in her own bed most nights, maybe twice a week she will wake to go to the toilet or have a drink of water. If you want to keep breastfeeding then night weaning isn't really recommended until around18m as they struggle to understand the concept of waiting so it can be distressing for them (and therefore you), although I do know someone who did it successfully at 15m.

The contact napping sounds hard- I loved my DDs napping in my arms but twice a day seems a bit much- what if you need a wee or want a cup of tea? When little DD was younger I used to let her fall asleep on me then lie her down on the top I'd slept in with white noise on - that seemed to help her link sleep cycles.

Good luck!

@Secretlifeofme

I did the exact same as you with my first op. Napped on me up all the night at 11 months ect, they were fine but I was struggling so I trained my second baby and they only nap in cot and don’t wake in the night and life is generally easier and better. My first is a toddler now and extremely clingy which can be very hard (still screams if I leave the room) I’m putting it down to me raising them as my pfb and them not having a solid routine at first.

But that’s only my experience there is no right or wrong answer you do what works for you.

I’d also say re the naps, if you had a second child you just wouldn’t be able to do it. I don’t think it’s a surprise that child no.1 slept on me but child no.2 was napping in the cot from day 1. The older one needs attention and the younger one needs sleep.

My ds is 14 months and goes to bed on a mattress on the floor in my room after being fed to sleep- he then comes in to co- sleep at 10-11pm ish. He then sleeps through. I discovered the hard way with my first- constant night feeding was because he wanted someone nearby not because of hunger. He started sleeping through naturally in his own bed by 2 1/2.

We go with what keeps the kids happy and everyone sleeping in this house!! Massive clingy phase at 18 months so I would try to delay sleep training till after that perhaps so you dont end up doing it again?

Worth training a little for naps- stuck with youngest in sling atm but training him to sleep in buggy for nap like my first, long boring walk at usual nap time then park him in the garden when in a deep sleep. The trick is to keep him outside as change of scene will wake them. Ditto if he stirs, a quick rock will send him back off. Alternatively car then keep in carseat till he wakes.

Agree with your husband that sleep training is for the adults(and nothing wrong with that AT ALL btw) the most important thing for infants is they sleep enough. Chn up to school age are programmed to want adults nearby for protection etc still.

My eldest has never had issues with fear of the dark/nightmares and was a dream for sleep from 21/2 -3 on unlike most of our friends' kids who were in own rooms earlier.

I notice you haven't said anything about your feelings OP. Just DH and DD. How do you find it?

Why on earth would you sleep train her?

It's what she needs and luckily you have enough help it can happen. Please let her be! Normally parents do it as can't cope even though sleep training has shown it is NOT good for the baby.

Both DDs only got sleep trained at 2 yo. At that age they went into their bedroom.

The only thing I did before that was stopping them sleeping on the breast. I found a song was easier. I know it takes about 5min to finish so when it's finished, breast is finished. Then start reducing to earlier parts of the song.

Big advice: don't compare yourself to other people. Wtv comments you may hear (especially from family) say yes and ignore :p It's your baby, it's you and the child's father that make the decisions. There have been many nights kids have come back to our bed. WE are fine with that! It's nobody else's business. DD1 was going to bed reeeeally late for a while so she came to sleep in our bed for a few nights (she turns off like a light next to me!) and it was super quick to move her sleep time back by over an hour!!!

We didn't do any sleep training and ours just started sleeping better as they developed. It's a natural thing, and actually very good for their future mental health to not have stress around sleep. I don't understand why contact napping is a problem for a nanny. What else would she be doing?

Easy for your DH to say when he’s not the one doing the wake ups or naps. If she’s getting enough sleep so not tired and grumpy in the day then it’s fine for her to carry on as you are. Equally it’s fine for you to admit that it’s hard on you to continue on like this.
I sleep trained at 9/10 months as while it may have been fine for my DD to wake up as she did I didn’t think it was good for her to have a permanently exhausted tearful stressed out mum when that could be changed

The issue isn't so much the nanny as the potential limitations only napping like this might place on the family's movements. You ideally don't want a baby/toddler who isn't going to be able to sleep in a pushchair or carseat.

If it’s working for you then why change things? It certainly won’t harm her development to leave things as they are, but neither will it harm her if you decide to work on a different routine which works better for you all.

Personally it sounds very restrictive that she won’t nap in her cot, and also waking and being bf 4 times during the night at nearly a year old is something is not something I’d have wanted- but then we didn’t co sleep either.

It’s your choice... is it working for you?

My baby took all her naps in my arms, was breastfed to sleep until she weaned herself and didnt want it anymore. She is now almost 3 and goes to bed every night by herself, puts her self to sleep and sleeps all night. - dispite people telling me this would never happen due to me feeding her/holding her to sleep in her earlier years.

It’s up to you but personally I think it’s really important that children learn to sleep and settle on their own and test their bedroom is a place if security and safety not fear and anxiety
Also at 11 months it’s likely your baby does not need feeding overnight - it’s habit and comfort.
Maybe look to cut the night feeds first

We co-slept with son (it varied who read the bedtime story and fell asleep with him :))
Let me reassure you: NO 15 year old wants to co-sleep!!!! :)

I think we had these messy arrangements approximately until he was 7(ish) as it wasn't a problem for us.
By 10 he actively kicked us out. And at 15 if we need to sleep in his room (on the floor, eg my parents visiting) he is kicking up a fuss.

Relax.