More of a wwyd/WIBU

[Doryhunky]

My mother prefers my dd to my ds. Historically she has pushed to have dd round but not ds, she is always askIng about dd and not ds etc. She has said very negative things about ds etc.
Over the holidays she very kindly took both kids for a riding lesson twice. (Personally I wouldn’t encourage an interest in such an expensive hobby.)
She has now suggested she pay for and take dd to weekly riding lessons and both kids in the holidays.
Both kids liked horse riding. Ds in particular is an animal lover. Dd is older than ds by a couple of years. Dd is going through a very moody stage and had a very rough year 7 and has no interests. I agree with my mother that horse riding would be good for dd.
However I am concerned about enabling her favouritism. There is also a lot of rivalry between the kids and sometimes dd is downright unpleasant to ds (who has mild sen).
I understand that treating children equally can mean differently but fairly.
But what my mother is suggesting does not sit well with me. I can’t afford lessons for ds but at the same time I don’t want to deny dd an opportunity. My mother could afford lessons for both but will get very defensive if I try to talk to her about it. Given she has taken them both riding before I can’t see how I can tell ds he isn’t going because of his age. Wwyd.

I'd absolutely say they both go or neither as it's simply not fair.

My grandmother very obviously favoured me and I think it made quite a difference to how my sister turned out tbh. Looking back on things it was so very unfair

Yes. Both or neither. Tell her if it's a money issue they can do one lesson a fortnight each.

That's very difficult for you.

I wouldn't want to deny DD the opportunity to do something like that so would try and find a hobby that's cheaper that you can pay for for DS.

Beforehand though I would also be having a very direct conversation with DM about the injustice and pettiness of this.

There's only 13 months between mine, with DD being the eldest. We made it clear very early on it was both or none. This was because family members wanted to take DD out for the day / sleepover but not DS.
As you say they should be treated fairly and what your mother is suggesting isn't.

If DS is old enough to participate then I would be saying both or neither. Or she pays for an alternative hobby that DS is genuinely equally happy to do.

It’s a shame for your DD to miss out but if she’s that petty I wouldn’t want her facilitating an expensive hobby anyway- who’s to say she won’t whip it away if it suits her. Do they do pony club? That’s pretty reasonable IIRC

Could your mum do a different activity with your DS? Something else weekly?

Could they have one lesson a fortnight each so they both do it but costs no extra fees

It has to be equal OP. You know that. Your poor DS. Just say "thanks but no thanks as it's not fair on DS"

Oh yes, above pp v good idea.
"Thanks Mum, both dc loved the lessons. Happy for them to go alternate weeks so they both get to enjoy without costing any more"

What’s the age difference perhaps she finds your dd easier? (Not saying that’s ok)

I wouldn't facilitate my DM showing favouritism so I would normally say it has to be both of them or neither of them. In this case, I would probably say neither given that you have stated she has said negative things about your DS. What sort of things has she said?

Do you know why she favours your DD?

I wonder how she'd feel if you favoured ILS over your parents.

No. Both or nothing.

At those ages it would also be a no from me.

You can't help it if your mum prefers DD, (my DGM preferred the girls) but can make sure you don't enable her behaviour.

Does your DS's SEN make him harder to look after?

Does your DS's SEN make him harder to look after?
This was also my first thought having read the post.

Your Mum can distribute her wealth and attention as she wishes.
If I were you OP @Doryhunky, I would try to figure out the WHY 🤔

Dd is going through a very moody stage and had a very rough year 7 and has no interests does ds have hobbies and interests that he does?

I'd tell her both go or neither.
My MIL favours my DD over DS, she favoured her own DD to her DS too. I don't let them visit without each other and split the extra pocket money she gives DD ( usually £30 difference!!)
My DG favoures my cousins to Me and my siblings and ,her DD to her DS too...( My DF)
Its crap but I've let it go!

Does your ds have other hobbies? If this is the only hobby your daughter would have and your son has other hobbies already I think it is OK.

Thanks for the responses. Ds is currently at an age where he has lots of interests (which are more affordable!) He has very slow processing and hearing problems so not difficult to look after just not as quick off the mark as dd.
A similar issue came up where my mum was trying to organise for another family member to pay dd school fees and when I explained I couldn’t accept for one child and not the other OR gently wondered if the money for dd could be split with ds she got very very angry.
She has said in the past she ‘doesn’t do boys’. She likes smart overachievers and she thinks dd fits that mould. She has a very controlling and conditional personality so she would not like it if I tried to negotiate alternate lessons.
In many ways she goes above and beyond in helping with the kids so I don’t like to rock the boat but I feel she has created an unnecessary dilemma!
Also I suspect that horse riding is a hobby that just gets more expensive....

I mention the sen because I worry that if dd gets special treatment from my mum which ds doesn’t she won’t even be kind to him about it given how she treats him already.

Can you organise to do something with your son when your daughter is at her lessons? Something he would,love?

Either both of them go or neither of them go. It’s really that simple.

You know this is not fair. It is a clear no.

I’m defintely against the grain as I’d say yes if I felt I could do something special for my son in that time, something like go carting or something le loves. So I’d say to daughter ok you go horse riding with granny and little jimmy is going go carting With me, every sat at x time or whatever. This way both kids get something. And you use the excuse you can’t be in two places at once.