More of a wwyd/WIBU

[Doryhunky]

My mother prefers my dd to my ds. Historically she has pushed to have dd round but not ds, she is always askIng about dd and not ds etc. She has said very negative things about ds etc.
Over the holidays she very kindly took both kids for a riding lesson twice. (Personally I wouldn’t encourage an interest in such an expensive hobby.)
She has now suggested she pay for and take dd to weekly riding lessons and both kids in the holidays.
Both kids liked horse riding. Ds in particular is an animal lover. Dd is older than ds by a couple of years. Dd is going through a very moody stage and had a very rough year 7 and has no interests. I agree with my mother that horse riding would be good for dd.
However I am concerned about enabling her favouritism. There is also a lot of rivalry between the kids and sometimes dd is downright unpleasant to ds (who has mild sen).
I understand that treating children equally can mean differently but fairly.
But what my mother is suggesting does not sit well with me. I can’t afford lessons for ds but at the same time I don’t want to deny dd an opportunity. My mother could afford lessons for both but will get very defensive if I try to talk to her about it. Given she has taken them both riding before I can’t see how I can tell ds he isn’t going because of his age. Wwyd.

I should add though if you’re unable to do something of equal value to your son with him, then It would be a no from me.

I would say no. It sounds like a toxic situation for both dc.

If your son is perfectly capable of engaging with the horse riding lessons and enjoys it, how can your mother deny him this??

I can't understand how she would have the front to suggest taking your daughter for lessons and not him. When you say "but what about DS, what on earth is her answer?"

Did he behave himself on the previous lessons?

I get what you mean about denying your daughter this opportunity but I agree that it must surely be both or none. She's not going to be doing something different but equal with him is she?

I would say yes and use that time to do something one on one with DS.

Both the or neither.

My cousins were favoured over me by my grandmother, you do notice it, it does hurt and makes you feel like you've done something wrong. I now know it had nothing to do with me, it was favouritism with her own children (my mum was not the favoured one) but it still hurts.

Stand up for your ds, do t allow your mother to treat him as an afterthought, think also of the message it sends your dd

If your ds has plenty of interests and your daughter none, but the horse riding is something she would like then I don't see a problem with it.
Would you tell your son that he can't do any of his interedts because you can't spend money on his and none on your daughters?
I get that there is an issue but I don't think this particular scenario is one.

Horse riding is incredibly expensive...

I would say both or neither because you absolute 100% know this is all about favouring DD and that isn't good for either of them.

It's just easier to say "No it's both or neither"

Ds is currently at an age where he has lots of interests (which are more affordable!) so does he do these activities? Have they been offered to dd?

If she 'doesn't do boys' quite frankly she doesn't 'do her grandmother act' if you allow her to do this your son WILL notice maybe not right away but eventually. Also you say your dd is not kind to your ds then imho she shouldn't be getting a lovely expensive treat like horse riding until she can behave better. In year 7 she should know better how to treat her brother especially with his sen issues.

Just to add that I have always been scrupulous about paying for both to have the same amount of activities. But in year six and seven dd pressed me to let her give everything up. She also refuses to do any clubs at school.

Grandchild is a grandchild regardless of gender.Your mother’s statement is shocking and sexist.

Your poor DS already written off by your mother.

DD on the other hand- resigned from all the , “doesn’t do clubs” displays “moody” behaviour to you and her brother and is to be overindulged by the grandmother?

I’d decline and tell your mother exactly why.

“I don’t do favouritism”.

Thanks mum but either both or none.

@Doryhunky

Just to add that I have always been scrupulous about paying for both to have the same amount of activities. But in year six and seven dd pressed me to let her give everything up. She also refuses to do any clubs at school.

Fine. she does nothing unless her grandmother pays for it, you spend double on getting DS what he enjoys.

Both or neither.
If your son prefers something else, eg gymnastics, then suggest to your mum to pay for these both or not at all.

I feel bad for your dd but yes I’d also say both or neither. Your mum is being toxic and controlling.

Neither would be going horse riding.
I really don't like your DM's attitude and I wouldn't want my DD being influenced by her.
I also wouldn't be rewarding dd's behaviour. She may have had a tough year but spare a thought for your ds who has had to put up with her moody and unkind behaviour too as well as suffer a grandmother who clearly isn't too keen on him.

@Spied you nailed it

I would say no to either going. I think your DM will hold it over you and your daughter, if either of you upset her the classes will end, or at least the threat will be made. Crueler to take away something DD has grown to love than to never have it at all.

Sorry OP but if she doesn't 'do boys' then she doesn't do at all.

Both or neither.

You need to show your kids that equality and fairness matter. If you let your mother get away with these choices, then you are complicit.

Thanks for all the responses which are pretty unanimous. I am trying to see it from my mother’s point of view which may be: “I have been so worried about my gramd daughter. She has been depressed and had a terrible start to secondary school and lost interest in everything. I regularly take care of my Grandchildren and they both seemed to enjoy it when I gave them some trial horse riding lessons. I think my grand daughter in particular would benefit from having something to take her out of herself. Oviously the lessons are expensive so I can only really afford to pay for her and not grandson who has lots of other activities but I would take them both in the holidays.
It also might be good for my dgd to have some time which is “hers” as she and her brother really don’t get on. My daughter is obsessed with the children being treated exactly the same even though they have different needs and is being funny about the lessons. I can’t believe she isn’t letting me pay for dgd and think she is being petty and ungrateful after all I do for her.”
Even when I try to see it from her point of view I am massively uncomfortable.

This is very unfair. The rivalry probably stems from the blatant favouritism.

A similar issue came up where my mum was trying to organise for another family member to pay dd school fees and when I explained I couldn’t accept for one child and not the other OR gently wondered if the money for dd could be split with ds she got very very angry.
She has said in the past she ‘doesn’t do boys’. She likes smart overachievers and she thinks dd fits that mould. She has a very controlling and conditional personality so she would not like it if I tried to negotiate alternate lessons.
In many ways she goes above and beyond in helping with the kids so I don’t like to rock the boat but I feel she has created an unnecessary dilemma!

Sorry, but she sounds controlling and you need to try to get this dynamic under control.

Absolutely no way should you allow her to treat one of your children like a second rate grandchild. If she's going to get angry about that, she shouldn't be involved at all.

I understand that she feels your DD would especially benefit from riding, and she might not be able to afford to pay for both, but she could do something else special with your DS. It doesn't need to be a paid activity, it could even be baking together or something like that, but just something so that they both have something special they do with grandma. I don't think you doing something special with your DS while your DD is riding will be quite the same as eventually he will notice that his grandmother does less with him. Or if he doesn't, your DD will.