To fall out with my DM over this?

[ABC123Girl]

DM is due to have major surgery next week and had to go for a coronavirus test. She was told to self isolate as she has been tested and mustn't leave her house.

Since then she's been shopping, visiting friends and out for a meal. I've told her that she's completely disrespecting the staff and contradicting herself for clapping every week because of her inability to listen to important instructions. I told her that not only is she putting herself at risk but she's putting the staff and other patients at risk too.

She has come back with some nasty personal comments about myself because I told her what I thought and haven't heard from her since.

Do I leave her to it and not contact her, do I need to apologise or was I right in what I said?

I haven't got anyone else to talk about this with so I would like to hear your opinions.

Yes you are absolutely in the right. Just imagine if she contracts it now and takes it into hospital......which i suspect is your point!

I feel your pain

My DM's behaviour with regard to Coronavirus has actually damaged my relationship with her possibly permanently

Flouted lockdown left and right from the beginning when it suited her

Used coronavirus as an excuse to cover up bad etiquette

Cited Coronavirus smugly when something reasonable didn't suit her

Family friend and also tradesperson gets virus, first reaction is how soon can they resume trade because she needs blah blah.

It has really damaged my opinion of her.

YANBU OP

I would contact the hospital and let them know she has not been isolated.
This way they can protect themselves and other patients from her.
We have refused to do surgery on non urgent cases in this situation, to protect staff, until we have a negative swab confirmed.

My friend was very ill in hospital with coronavirus. He did absolutely everything by the book but had to go in for keyhole surgery and caught it, a few weeks into lockdown. Poor man was back into hospital with it and although he’s gone after two weeks, it will be a long time until he recovers.

Your mum is being a selfish git. She’s going to be in a place where many people will be vulnerable and if she passes it to a staff member, they could inadvertently pass it to a patient who might die from it. Some people are just too arrogant to join the dots. I agree with the previous poster, you should report her to the hospital.

he’s gone after....= he’s home after

As part of the major surgery she will be undergoing aerosol generating procedures. These are high risk for staff. If she has Covid, but is being treated as Covid free due to lying about self isolating, she risks the health of every member of staff in theatre, and most especially the anaesthetist: the person whose job it is to keep her alive during surgery. This is a level of selfishness that makes me extremely angry.

Don't apologise (you were completely in the right and she's, behaved appallingly) but do send her a brief message before surgery to wish her well and tell her you love her.

All surgery has its risks and should anything happen, you might find yourself beating yourself up that your last interaction was so hositle (even though it was of your mother's doing).

Your mother could potentially pass on Corona to a whole operating team. If they all had to quarantine there will be delays for other ppl who require surgery and appointments will be put back.
Then there would be the other patients they have been in contact with.
Please consider notifying the clinic. Your mother is completely undeserving of surgery right now.

Your mother is garbage.

I'd absolutely tell the hospital.

You are right.you mother is very wrong.and she nows it

"Your mother is garbage." 

@Vigoro really?! What a disgusting comment.

I'd definitely let the hospital know.

She could be risking countless peoples' lives.

Does she have social media, is there evidence on there of her ignoring the hospital's advice, rather than just your word against hers?

I am appalled.

She’s probably quite nervous about the surgery (you say it’s major). Not excusing her, but I suspect that the gallivanting outside is because she is in denial about the operation. Well, she can’t have it now because she will put the staff at risk, so that is one problem solved. However, once it is rescheduled, perhaps she will need more empathy and support from you in the lead-up, to make sure that she doesn’t act irrationally again.

@dollypartonscoat

I stand by my comment.

The OP's mother is risking countless people's health and lives out of pure unadulterated selfishness.

I would apologise, no way!

Assuming you haven’t made any unnecessary personal remarks / name calling etc?

Calling her selfish and pointing out her totally irresponsible behaviour in a mature way is not something you need to apologise for.

I had to have a test on a Friday and go to hospital on the Monday, it meant a full weekend indoors for the whole family but it’s just what you do isn’t it. Imagine the absolute guilt and shame at contracting it then taking it into a hospital just because you couldn’t stay at home for a few days.

Wouldn’t * ffs

Yes you're right. I'm a nurse and seen an awful lot of this 'do as I've always done' attitude during Covid from the older generation. Then we all blame the youngsters.

You’re absolutely right I’m afraid. I have to make regular hospital visits at the moment and my biggest fear is that I might somehow introduce coronavirus into the hospital and unwittingly be responsible for an outbreak.

I had major surgery a few weeks ago and was lucky to get through it relatively easily. I was on a ward with someone who was very poorly indeed after surgery and coronavirus probably would have been the end of them. A young person, too.

Part of living in society is looking after each other. Some rules are made to be broken but this one definitely wasn’t. She’s planning on telling bare-faced lies that have the potential to impact on other people’s health! Not to mention her own.

That said, I agree with the PP who said make peace with her before the surgery. Then you can fall out with her again later

Thank you for your replies and I'm sorry on behalf of my DM to you healthcare workers for her carelessness, I am so angry at her.

I've got a lot to think about with reporting her to the hospital, if she finds out it was me she will not speak to me again but at the same time I know how wrong it is what she is doing.

I’m an anaesthetist and your mum will be on a “green pathway” where we assume she is extremely low risk of covid because of what she has asked to do. Now she is much higher risk - both to the staff (especially the anaesthetist and ODP) and if she has surgery with covid she is at a much higher risk of lung complications after even if asymptomatic (there have been studies that show this).

We need people to stick to what we say as we are doing it for their safety as much as our own.

Echo what pp said about making peace pre op - my mum was terminally ill (died two weeks ago) and about 4 weeks into her palliative care regime I had to have rather a robust conversation with her about not being rude to her live in carers... I was terrified it would be the last conversation we would ever have. It wasn't and we had many lovely times in the last week before she died, but I don't think I would ever have recovered if our last conversation had been a conflict.

She is behaving in a selfish and ignorant manner and putting others at risk. If it were my own DM, I’d hate to inform the hospital, but would probably do so. The thought of her actions leading to illness and worse for others is awful.

I'd report her in a heartbeat.

I say that as someone whose own mother died quite suddenly and quite young btw.

My mum would forgive me for having a cross word with her or reporting her before she died, for something like this, but I'd never forgive myself if I let her go into a hospital, potentially spreading covid around, like some latter day typhoid Mary.

This is why theres still a risk of spread when having operations and why hospitals cannot go back to full operaring lists, you simply cannot trust that patients have followed instructions.

It is not so much the staff, we still have to act as if patients are covid positive when operating it is the other patients on the ward, some who will be vunerable. She could kill someone