to think if I've never had a relationship by 30, I never will?

[ChandlersCardiSweaters]

I just don't seem to click with men. I've never had any approaches IRL and I absolutely despise OLD. I've tried Tinder and Bumble, downloaded Hinge but there were very few local users.

I don't seem to fit in any groups. I'm not sporty, don't enjoy bounding up Munros, I'm not hipster, I'm not a geek.

I am lonely and desperate for companionship and affection.

DH's uncle didn't have a relationship until he was in his 50s. He's married now.

I met my DH through OLD, but that was 15 years ago when there was a monthly subscription (about £20), so people didn't sign up unless they were looking for a relationship, rather than a hookup.

Are you in a position to pay a good dating agency, where they match you with somebody like minded? And yes, I do know people who haven't had a relationship until they're over 40 and then stayed with their first boyfriend/girlfriend!!

I don't mean to sound harsh but it doesn't sound like you're trying that hard to meet someone. If you're honest with yourself are you really putting the effort in? I'm approaching 30 and single, all my friends are coupled up but I'm not bothered about meeting someone currently. But when I do, I KNOW you have to put the effort in. The right person doesn't just knock on your door one day, you have to commit to the online dating world and go on lots of dates some of which will be crap because that's life. Or you have to find a hobby where you meet people. You must have some interests.

I do feel for you OP because some people do effortlessly fall into relationships with very little effort where as others have to go to a lot more work.
I know a few people in their thirties who were in your position. One met someone at 38 and now, 15 years on are still together. The other as far as I know never met anyone.
I know it doesn't seem fair but you might have to really push yourself to do something different if you are wanting a partner

A friend of mine from uni didn’t have a girlfriend until his 30s - he hid his lack of self esteem behind a crazy party guy exterior which brought people in but always kept them somehow at arms length. In time he chilled out more I think although his wife is a pretty crazy party girl herself!

I’m a bit of a man repeller so did have to put quite a lot of effort into OLD and learn to appreciate that I’m more of an acquired taste...

I'm just not able to go on lots of dates (and that was even pre-corona). I can't work all week and then spend my weekend chatting uncomfortably with strangers. I hate it. I physically hate it.

I've tried a) doing nothing, b) joining a gym, c) parkrun d) accepting every social invitation e) forcing myself on one date a month f) giving up again g) making an effort to go to different events at least once a month

and nothing. The one man I felt a connection with lied to me about his age & job and turned out to be pretty clingy.

I too am a man-repeller :( (and I'm definitely not gay).

Do you think you are maybe giving off a distant vibe? If you see someone in real life you like the look of do you make eye contact?

Could you ask any friends if they know anyone they think you would get on with?

I've never done online dating, but from what I have heard you probably need to go on plenty of dates to meet someone you like. Surely, a date once a week for lunch or Coffee wouldn't be too time consuming.

There's a lovely, quite reflective book called (rubbish title but don't be put off) Calling in the One. Try it!
Then pay for something like Elite Singles, where people are actually looking for a relationship (married my first date from that site!).
Follow your own bliss in the meantime.
Oh, and be very clear to yourself on what you actually want from a partner.

I'm in my 30's, happily married and with children. I met my husband on Tinder.

But when I was single I probably went on over 200 different first dates before meeting DH.

I'd go on multiple dates in a day (post work drinks, a dinner date, a coffee date in my lunch hour, whatever I could fit in) - I just saw it as an interview process and albeit a complete pain in the arse, just a numbers game. If you meet enough people, there will be one you click with.

If you really want to meet someone, you need to see it as a part time job. One date a month won't cut it- try one or two a week minimum.

Oh, and meet quickly after starting chatting. You don't want to get attached to someone in the abstract who you waste months chatting to only to discover you don't get on in person.

Don't limit yourself to one site- sure try PP suggestion of Elite Singles, Match etc, but also get on OKCupid, Tinder, anywhere else. Really get out there.

(And although the more high end sites advertise that they are full of relationship seeking professional types, you also get relationship seeking professionals on Tinder just because of the vast numbers on there- I'm a doctor and DH is a fund manager, and we found eachother there without too much swipe-left hand cramp!)

I don't have the energy or the strength for 1 or 2 dates a week. I really, really don't.

Most of the same men are on Tinder and Bumble. I briefly signed up for Match when they last had an offer on (last Christmas?) but there were hardly any men under 40.

I worry about being distant. I am naturally more of a listener than a talker but I do try to make eye contact and smile. I couldn't flirt to save myself.

@BaylisAndHardon - 200? Good grief! What is making it so difficult nowadays? Why can we not go back to the 90s when it was a lot easier back then? I coupled up a few times in the 90s. Not lasting relationships mind, but still coupled up no probs. It was before the internet. In the 2000s, there was the internet, and I can't help thinking that the inclusion of the internet has made it more difficult or impossible. We should go back to offline dating if that is still such a thing.

If you don't have the energy for dates, perhaps you are just naturally very introverted. Would you have the energy needed to keep a relationship going? It can be hard work at times when the first flush of excitement is over.

My granny met a new man in her seventies because she never turned down an invite to any random occasion and ate anything put in front of her. Be more granny!

OP, do you have friends? If so, how did you meet them? How did you get past the tedious chat stage to the friends stage? That must have taken some work presumabky but was worth it?

Yes. One group I've been friends with since primary school and the other since uni.

I have some friends at work too, but I wasn't aware of 'working' for that.

@ChandlersCardiSweaters

I agree that it’s a full time job to look for a guy through online dating, but what do you mean you can’t muster the energy ? For a coffee ? For an ice cream or a walk in the park ? You know you can go for an hour long date, just tell them you have to be somewhere.

Are you too independent and you don’t want to make any allowances in your schedule? I have a friend like this - she must be at the gym 6 times a week, She must have all her beauty treatments on certain days, she must attend all friends birthdays/hens/Xmas nights out etc.... she never seems to want to make a break in her schedule. So how is she going to meet someone ?

What do you mean you are a man- repeller ? I bet you’re not !!!

Well, drinks is the default suggestion. I get nervous even messaging someone and I know I don't often come off as very interesting in the first messages. Then I'm always nervous and I always message a friend to let her know where I'm going in case he turns out to be a lunatic. Then there's the horrible moment of waiting for them, the awkward silence and the end is even worse.

To start with, my job is flexible at all, so that does limit my schedule. I don't get much downtime and the thought of spending it with internet strangers is gruelling.

I spent most of my 20s in unrequited love with someone unattainable, plus a small number of short relationships. Met DH when I was nearly 33 - friend of a friend and we were in a club. By the time I was 36 we were married with two children (not in the traditionally correct order).

I asked him out, which is something I’d vowed not to do since I was turned down aged 14. A friend had also recently given me advice to just follow up all opportunities as you never know! Don’t necessarily need to fall head over heals on the first date.

I used to cry myself to sleep in my late 20s thinking I’d never have anyone. I should have been living my life and enjoying it, not waiting for mr Perfect to come along.

I would recommend making your own life as fulfilling as possible, invest in your friendships, then if someone comes along (and you should expect to work a bit hard to follow up on relationship opportunities) it’s a bonus, but not the only thing that will make you happy.

Meeting a man is hard work unfortunately OP, it takes time and effort to meet someone new and build a connection. Life isn’t a Julia Roberts film, they don’t rock up in a sports car whilst you’re walking down the street

It sounds as though you're approaching this as a task to get out of the way - it being gruelling and something you don't have the energy for. I get that (trust me - I'm a massive introvert with an illness that saps my energy and quite a full on job) but the point is is that it's supposed to be fun!

Have you ever felt a connection with someone whose company you enjoyed and you fancied, through work or on holiday or via friends? Have you had people who don't feel exhausting to talk to, even as relative strangers? I'm trying to work out what's missing - if you're just unlucky and haven't come across someone you click with because you're seeing it as the chore of "looking for a partner", or if you just generally have never felt that with anyone (which could mean something, or nothing at all).

I approached online dating with the mindset of "if I actively want to message someone (back), then food, the second I'm not interested or bothered then sack it off". So it was never a chore - the second it became a dread, byeeeee! That way I never met up with someone whose company I wasn't reasonably sure I'd probably enjoy, even if I didn't fancy them in person. For every ...I don't know, 20-30 people who messaged me/I messaged, maybe 3 or 4 of those would go past 1-2 messages and then I would probably go on one date out of that. I didn't let it take up my life or take time I didn't want to spend, because if was interested or felt a bit of a text spark with someone it felt like time I did want to spend, and if I didn't I just would not message back or politely say I wasn't interested, which takes between zero and 30 seconds haha!

I'd try something similar - keep your profiles active, keep an open mind, but stop seeing it as admin. You can scroll through your apps when you're commuting or in the bath or in the queue at the bank or whatever, but if nobody catches your eye or opening messages make you do the full body cringe that online daters are so good at, just ignore it. If you meet a single man though friends or hobbies, you'll know if you're interested in them pretty much straight away, even if it's just physical or on a really surface "I like what you're about" way. You don't need to pursue anything unless you get that feeling.

Good luck 😊

I met my now husband when I was 31, and just had a few short relationships before then. I wasn't in love with anyone before my husband, so it can happen later than your twenties.
I did a lot of internet dating and I know where you are coming from, it was draining putting the effort into messaging people, and going on dates which you get excited about and then get there and you just don't find them attractive or they're not that nice etc.
In the end I met my husband through mutual friends who set us up. Do you have any friends who could connect you to a single friend they know? As others have said take up any opportunities you get to meet people , and you're definitely too young to give up. I doubt you're a man repeller, probably just a bit cautious around people you don't know well. I was like this, but once I met my husband my defences fell away quite quickly.

I met my DH via OLD when I was 37 (eHarmony). We fell in love, got married and have 5 and 8 yr old girls now.

It's easy to fall for the time line crap. When you are ready and in the right 'place' in your head and life, you will meet the right person for you.

Discussion around values and staying firm to your principals is the only way to go to cut out all the time wasting crap from early on.

There is always hope and someone there for everyone. Don't lose hope. Love yourself first and know your value.

Finally, have fun and see the journey as nothing more than great observations/possible future dinner party anecdotes about the inevitable car crash dates! 🤣

If a person doesn't love all of you just for being you, you don't need them anyway xx

@TrickorTreacle yes it'd be much more romantic and charming to go back to the spontaneous meeting in a cafe or bar, but let's face it- it's just not the reality now.

If you are on Tinder you can still meet someone by chance in a cafe or at a hobby, but if you are not on Tinder you can't still meet someone on Tinder. Why limit yourself?

It's a bit like saying you're going to ditch WhatsApp and go back to writing letters. Yes handwritten letters are much nicer, but you'd be missing out on a lot and probably be quite lonely. You can do both.