To think it's disgusting to not teach your children to not speak with their mouth full

[CheesyGhost]

Since DD was born I'm spending more time with my nieces who are both homeschooled so are at in-laws every week on the same day we go to see them (they are all one household as sister-in-law lives at home with the girls). I'm not really that close with my parents-in-law or my sister-in-law and never used to spend anywhere near as much time with them all, certainly not without DH but as they're retired and it's nice for DD to spend this time with them I'm happy to dedicate a day a week of my maternity leave with them. But I'm getting so fed up of seeing the girls all the time. Honestly they're just not likable children for lots of different reasons but ultimately they have not been taught any manners. They speak over you all the time and have no concept of waiting their turn, they have temper tantrums that I would expect to see from a toddler, not a 5 and 8 year old and they always get their own way whatever they want which is presumably why they still have these tantrums. They're loud and annoying and maybe it is that I just don't like children that much but I have other nieces and nephews and friends children who are all far better behaved and much nicer to be around. The thing that I hate the most though is that they are forever talking with their mouth full and it is absolutely disgusting! They always do it and spray you with food and no one ever tells them not to; even my parents-in-law despite them having taught DH and his siblings it as children. DH has picked up on this as well and is amazed that this is not a rule they have been taught because he always was just as most children are and is equally disgusted, but he spends far less time with them than I do. I don't feel comfortable telling the girls off myself for it as its obviously not something they have ever been told to do and I'm not close enough with my sister-in-law to challenge her parenting so I mostly just try to ignore them but I am sick of spending time with them. I'm actually glad I can't go round there anymore because DD and I make up 7 people.
Sister-in-law has asked if we can split our week though so we will go see DDs Grandparents one day when the others are out but then she wants me to meet her and the girls another day with my parents-in-law leaving the house so DD and the girls still have time together. I really don't want to do that. I just don't like these children and am sick of spending time with them and don't actually want them teaching DD all their bad habits as she grows. I've told her that we are already fully booked with DDs weekly routine (which to be fair isn't a lie as we do have a busy week meeting other family and friends and I like to keep a day a week just for DD and me at home) but maybe we can meet up occasionally instead of regularly.

Should I be growing a pair and telling her that I just don't like her children or can I just carry on avoiding spending time with them until we're allowed to be a 7 again?

Of course you shouldn’t be honest! What good do you think that will do seriously?

Just say you’re busy if you don’t want to see them, no one can force you to spend time with them.

Isn't this tailor made for that Mumsnet classic, 'I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me'? Which is honest, it doesn't. Without pulling the pin on the grenade which would be that you find her offspring to be utterly repellent. Which would also be honest, but could make things awkward at a post-corona Christmas family gathering for the foreseeable future.

Gosh you absolutely cannot tell someone you dont like their children.. keep it to yourself

This is one of those things where you think “my goodness, it’s so obvious, why don’t they...” when it’s someone else’s children! I swear if you saw my DS way sometimes you’d think he’d been dragged up. Nope, three meals a day at the table with cutlery and table manners insisted on since he was a baby. 9 years later and he would, given half the chance, eat his whole meal with his fingers standing up. And that’s EVERY DAY for NINE YEARS we’ve told him and told him. I suppose someone else watching him in a group situation might think “why don’t his parents tell him” but harping on and on when there are other people there isn’t always appropriate.

I would visit on different day.

You can’t say anything. Just do what you are doing. Other people’s badly brought up children are unpleasant to be around. Dint parents realise they are not going their kids any favours by not teaching them manners? To be fair most of my dds friends at this age had lovely manners so it can be done.

Your DH and DD can go without you. If you dislike them all so much at their young age, you have years of being driven mad...just don't go.

Let dh and dd go, if you don't want to.
You are very judgemental, perhaps they can see that in you and would prefer you to stay away anyway.
You can't go with the new rule anyway, so what's the point of your thread apart to bitch about a family.
You aren't nice.

They sound like they're not being taught manners, but I'm not sure you can say something to the effect of 'not even PIL' teach them because they aren't your parent in law's children. Grandparents commenting on parenting is a hot topic and you don't know what's behind the scenes.

I think the idea of your DD seeing her grandparents whilst SIL and the kids go out is a great idea, but I also don't see why the odd short visit would be the end of the world if your children enjoy playing together. You wouldn't have to stay there all day, maybe a morning play date whilst you have a coffee and then leave before lunch so there's no meals involved.

You will be the biggest influence on your DC for some time.

I don't think somebody is necessarily 'not nice' for not appreciating spending time with ill-mannered children, let alone wishing to increase that exposure. Family or no.

Ah, this is tough. I love my neice and nephew and by God, their lack of table manners and frankly disgusting manner of eating make it hard to look at them during or after meals. Mouth open while chewing, talking with their mouth full and food all over face, fingers and chin. Vile. And they're the same age as my two and no special needs so there's no excuse. It truly turns my stomach.

Would I ever say anything or let on? Absolutely not. It would break their tiny hearts. And my brother and SIL would never speak to me again.

So, so annoyingly disgusting though.

You can't tell someone you don't like their children, unless you want to end the relationship. If you don't want to spend time with them then say you can't.
Some children can be taught manners and still need reminders every so often, 5 and 8 is still young. I don't think there is anything wrong with you telling them to not eat with their mouths full, it's not exactly serious discipline, it can just be a cheerful reminder.

I feel sorry for the girls as the adults in their life don't seem to be teaching them basic manners. Which is going to make their lives more difficult if not making them not very likeable. But know you can't say that you don't like the children. If you are really set on it could your dh speak to his sister about eating with their mouth full?

I wonder what your SIL will dislike about your baby as they grow up and learn, and whether she'll be as uncharitable about it as you are.

MindyStClaire
It's hardly uncharitable to not enjoy the company of bad manned people who have temper tantrums.

Unfortunately these children are learning that bad manners and being rude is acceptable. They don't go to school so aren't getting any input there on basic expectations.

They're going to be in for a shock as they get older as ultimately most people don't choose the company of people with no manners.

Then again, I've sat in parent consultation meetings and been talking to both the student and parent, and the student has got their phone our and started playing a game mid conversation. I've looked up at them and they apologised and put it at way, only for 5 minutes later the parent to start texting. The student was only mimicking the behaviour they saw at home.

You are a horrible person.
They sound like natural and lovely 5 and 8 year olds.

You are a horrible person.
They sound like natural and lovely 5 and 8 year olds.

You're not the SIL are you?

Because at 5 and 8, not having the basic concepts of table manners, not interrupting and talking loudly over other people, and having temper tantrums, doesn't sound to me like natural and lovely 5 and 8 year olds, it sounds like some poor wee kids who people aren't teaching the basic social skills to, and that yes, as a result, many people won't want to increase their time with. And that will only continue to be the case, if these issues aren't rectified, sadly.

“Natural” dear me 🙄

Of course you don't tell mum that you can't bear her children (which you really can't, can you? )

For whatever reason they've been brought up with different priorities to your children, and will no doubt turn the stomachs of people like you until they learn otherwise.

If you liked the girls, you'd be able to teach them yourself - I gently correct my nieces/nephews as my siblings and in laws do my children. And it is done with love and affection.

But they'll know if you do it, just how much you dislike them. And because kids at contrary like that, will do it more to annoy you. Nothing like the joy of continuing to annoy the aunt who hates you.

Just stay away

Seeing kids misbehaving and being given no sanctions can be a frustrating place for people who have different standards.

However, it is beyond unpleasant to sit at a table with (or I suppose be in the same room with) children of any age who constantly interrupt and talk over others and speak with their mouths full and spray half-chewed food everywhere.

They don't know I don't like them, clearly or they wouldn't want to spend more time with me and DD, neither would sister-in-law. This is an anonymous forum to rant about something that irritates me as so many people use it for; that doesn't mean I treat my nieces badly in any way and don't indulge them when I'm around them to a certain extent but I do ignore them when they are behaving badly and that also doesn't stop me being annoyed and disgusted by some of their habits. I think if you think it's so impossible to dislike children who have zero manners and genuinely disgusting habits then perhaps you ought to be looking closer at what habits you are teaching to your children and thinks are acceptable. We teach our children manners because we know it socially unacceptable not to.

I'll never forget when DD's friend casually reached over and helped herself to the broccoli on my daughters plate and popped it in her mouth. They were six. My face must have been a picture. Thankfully, her friend's Dad was mortified - however her mother (love her to bits) was one who loved her kids being 'natural' (i.e was a complete moosh with her kids.)

I think “natural” may be another code word like “spirited”

It's hard to understand from this just how much this is happening but there is a very real chance that you might have a bit of a shock when your DD is older and you learn that table manners takes many, many years to instill in some kids! 5 and 8 is still quite young. Can you not politely ask them to shut their mouths and wait their turn to speak if these issues arise when you are there?

Instilling table manners (in a NT Child), is a matter of consistency from the word go, at an age appropriate level, eternal vigilance, and child see, child do.