To think it's disgusting to not teach your children to not speak with their mouth full

[CheesyGhost]

Since DD was born I'm spending more time with my nieces who are both homeschooled so are at in-laws every week on the same day we go to see them (they are all one household as sister-in-law lives at home with the girls). I'm not really that close with my parents-in-law or my sister-in-law and never used to spend anywhere near as much time with them all, certainly not without DH but as they're retired and it's nice for DD to spend this time with them I'm happy to dedicate a day a week of my maternity leave with them. But I'm getting so fed up of seeing the girls all the time. Honestly they're just not likable children for lots of different reasons but ultimately they have not been taught any manners. They speak over you all the time and have no concept of waiting their turn, they have temper tantrums that I would expect to see from a toddler, not a 5 and 8 year old and they always get their own way whatever they want which is presumably why they still have these tantrums. They're loud and annoying and maybe it is that I just don't like children that much but I have other nieces and nephews and friends children who are all far better behaved and much nicer to be around. The thing that I hate the most though is that they are forever talking with their mouth full and it is absolutely disgusting! They always do it and spray you with food and no one ever tells them not to; even my parents-in-law despite them having taught DH and his siblings it as children. DH has picked up on this as well and is amazed that this is not a rule they have been taught because he always was just as most children are and is equally disgusted, but he spends far less time with them than I do. I don't feel comfortable telling the girls off myself for it as its obviously not something they have ever been told to do and I'm not close enough with my sister-in-law to challenge her parenting so I mostly just try to ignore them but I am sick of spending time with them. I'm actually glad I can't go round there anymore because DD and I make up 7 people.
Sister-in-law has asked if we can split our week though so we will go see DDs Grandparents one day when the others are out but then she wants me to meet her and the girls another day with my parents-in-law leaving the house so DD and the girls still have time together. I really don't want to do that. I just don't like these children and am sick of spending time with them and don't actually want them teaching DD all their bad habits as she grows. I've told her that we are already fully booked with DDs weekly routine (which to be fair isn't a lie as we do have a busy week meeting other family and friends and I like to keep a day a week just for DD and me at home) but maybe we can meet up occasionally instead of regularly.

Should I be growing a pair and telling her that I just don't like her children or can I just carry on avoiding spending time with them until we're allowed to be a 7 again?

Noooo! You can’t tell her you don’t like her children, or her children’s behaviour, or anything at all along those lines.

I agree with you on table manners: it isn’t on to have everyone around you to be spat over, listen to schlurping and see half-chewed food in your mouth. Easier to learn basic table manners as a child than have peers point them out to a teenager!

When they're eating revoltingly 'Say it, don't spray it' comes in useful

@HerNameWasEliza, I see them once a week and have done for nearly 3 months now, not including trips to in-laws with husband on occasional weekends. Also I have obviously known them for 8 years as I met DH before she was born and although I didn't see them as often before DD was born, it was something DH and I had picked up on before. Only now that I'm spending so much time with them is it truly hitting home how much I hate it. They eat 2 meals whilst I am with them for the day and multiple snacks and not once, not on a single occasion, have I ever heard anyone ever ask them to not speak with their mouth full. I know that children need to be prompted and reminded about table manners but I have never been witness to that prompting actually taking place.
I suppose I'm worried that I can't tell them to behave in a certain way if their parents don't and I know it not the grandparents job to either but that's why I don't feel I can; I know from DH that his parents do value this particular set of manners as he remembers very clearly that he and his siblings were taught this so if they are not challenging the girls I can only assume this something that their parents are actively not choosing to enforce. I just don't know them well enough or feel comfortable enough with them to start challenging them.

Life’s too short to feel forced to spend time with people-be they adults or children-who get on your tits. Just don’t go anymore, or at least not as often. Your DH can go without you if he wants.

You say you're not keen on your parents-in-law, your sister-in-law, your nieces and you don't much like children in general.

Your DD may like her cousins though and miss seeing them if you stop.

@butterpuffed No, I never said I wasn't keen on my parents-in-law or my sister-in-law for that matter; I said I'm not that close with them. I've been with DH 10 years and have not ever spent that much time with them before and before DD was born had never spent any time with them without DH present. We moved closer to them
having previously been over 100 miles away not long before I became pregnant and I was very ill throughout pregnancy so still didn't spend much time with them until after DD was born. I do find the girls extremely annoying and difficult to like but I do wonder if this is more about perhaps I don't particularly like this quality that children have as I know that children can famously be annoying but I do have other nieces and nephews who I don't find anywhere near as poorly mannered as the girls and I do like them so I don't truly believe that I don't like all children.

I know its important for DD to be able to spend time with her family which is why I do it now so I wouldn't just stop seeing them ever again but I just get no pleasure out of being around the girls at all; I find them really very difficult I'm afraid and I don't want DD spending too much time with them a learning their bad habits as she grows.

Dont tell her you dont like them. Its the most hurtful thing to hear that about your children. My sibling told me 3 years ago that their partner doesnt like my child when i asked her why they never take him out anymore like they used to.
It was a long time ago and they get on great with DS now that hes older and take him out a lot again. But i will never forget what she said.

With the table manners i guess it depends. You say SIL doesnt even say anything. Maybe just start pointing it out to them.
I usually go with "im sorry, i cant understand you when your mouth is full. Tell me again when youre ready."
The thing is, DS is 6 and he still does this most of the time. It drives me crazy and i tell him every single time. Ive been telling him this for the last 3 years. Its just not sinking in. His sister is 4 and she never does it anymore now. She just learnt it much quicker.

If you dislike them that much don't spend time with them. But you may not feel quite so critical in a few years when your baby is older and is doing some of those annoying things that you dislike these kids for. It's very easy to be hyper critical of parents and older children when you have a baby. It feels like you want everyone to agree that these kids are disgusting and that makes me feel sad tbh.

I have to say I find your post nasty and I get the impression its a bit of a stealth boast. Yes eating with your mouth full is unpleasant obviously and the kids do sound a bit of a handful.

But I don't really understand why you've posted this, other than to get a sense of validation for being smug about your better parenting skills.

@thepeopleversuswork what exactly am I supposed to be boasting about? I haven't boasted about anything or claimed to be an expert parent at all. I never said that I expect children to have good manners 100% of the time but I do find it surprising and annoying that in this instance, there is no evidence that the girls are ever encouraged to have better manners than they have. That's what my AIBU states.... Not should children never ever talk with their mouth full but shouldn't they be taught not to. And other than saying I don't want my daughter to pick up bad habits from her cousins and that her existence is the reason I'm suddenly spending more time with my nieces, what have I said about her that you claim to be me boasting? That I plan to teach her good table manners? Isn't that a basic requirement of all parents? I'm guessing you have failed to if you think it's such an unreasonable thing to expect.

Yes OP, what @globetrotter141 said. You may find their admittedly dreadful manners easier to bear once your child/children develop/s a few bad habits of their own.

My DSis told me recently that she had an intense dislike for my first DD when DD was 3/4/5yo because DSis thought my DD terribly self absorbed. DSis wasn't wrong - but DSis has since had a far more self absorbed child herself and this has softened her cough considerably.

And now DSis genuinely adores DD. I'm glad she didn't tell me of her dislike for DD at the time, I'd have been most offended on behalf of my PFB.

Gosh - 5 and 8 are still quite young. I would hate for a family member to spend time with me and my children if they secretly didn’t like my children. I don’t think my children had great. If you are still on mat leave your baby is very young and it’s easy to think it’s all very easy

Sorry meant to say I don’t think my children had great table manners at 5.

CheesyGhost you can guess what you like and think what you like and you'll never know, will you?

You spend a lot of bandwidth and mental energy judging a family member for the way she brings her kids up without any consideration for the challenges she might be encountering and then go onto an internet forum and ask a bunch of strangers whether you should tell her you don't like her kids (that would be no).

Bad table manners are annoying. But the desire to bitch about young children to complete strangers on the internet and inventorise all their faults are worse on my moral compass. Just a thought.

Bad table manners are annoying. But the desire to bitch about young children to complete strangers on the internet and inventorise all their faults are worse on my moral compass. Just a thought

Yarbles. Disgusting eating habits are disgusting, regardless of who is eating. OP is here anonymously for advice - she isn't screaming at the DC in question, telling them they eat like pigs now is she? No, she isn't. A faceless person is describing an issue with some other faceless people. None of us have a clue who these people are and more importantly, nobody is being hurt or upset so there's really no need to be so sanctimonious.

God the sanctimonious crowd have arrived 🙄. If everyone followed that train of thought mumsnet would not exist! It’s anonymous!

Assume that posters children are also “natural” in their habits so she is on the defensive...

MsTSwift
I was thinking the same.

The OP hasn't said she expects children to be perfect all the time.
I'd imagine it would be totally different if the children who eat with their mouths open or forgot their manners and then SIL said 'remember to say please and thank you' or 'DC we close our mouths when eating'.
All children forget at times. What makes the difference is how the adults respond.