Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mixed sex group hanging out in a bedroom: door open or closed?

28 replies

miimblemomble · 11/09/2020 13:30

DS is 13. We live close to his school and (not in the UK) he and his friends are allowed out of school over lunch and if they have a free period after. Today, he has a 3 hour gap and is currently here with two friends, one boy one girl. Post lunch, they are watching Netflix / gaming in his bedroom. They’ve closed the door and shut the curtains but I can hear them larking about.

Should I be telling him to leave the door open a bit? Just to keep an eye on them? What’s the norm?

He’s my first teen, and I grew up in the arse end of nowhere and rarely had visitors, never mind boys!!

YABU: leave them to it, too young to worry about this!

YANBU: keep the door open, you need to keep an eye on them.

And if IABU at what age does this become an issue?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/09/2020 13:32

What is it you think they are doing? Having a three some?

Bunnymumy · 11/09/2020 13:33

I think if it's a few guys and a few girls then you can leave them to their own devices but if it was one girl and one boy or just one girl in the group, I'd be asking them to leave the door open.

ittakes2 · 11/09/2020 13:34

I think for ventilations sake at least leave the door open!

CountFosco · 11/09/2020 13:35

If you are in the house and can hear what they are up to and there's several people in his room I don't think there is really anything to worry about.

Ilen · 11/09/2020 13:37

Do you really think your thirteen year old is going to engage in a threesome within earshot of his mother in the middle of a school day?

SonEtLumiere · 11/09/2020 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
miimblemomble · 11/09/2020 13:47

Do you really think your thirteen year old is going to engage in a threesome within earshot of his mother in the middle of a school day?

I know it’s crazy isn’t it! I don’t know what 13 yr olds do together in bedrooms. I went to a tiny primary school (4 girls, no boys in my class) then at secondary I had zero friends over as we lived so rurally. So I never hung out with friends at home. I love that DS can and wants to, I just don’t want anyone in an awkward situation.

I think for ventilations sake at least leave the door open! This is a prime concern: DS feet are pretty stinky when his trainers cone off - in fact if there is anything less conducive to romance, it would be the smell of his feet!!

OP posts:
MobLife · 11/09/2020 13:49

Perhaps switch it on it's head....if you had a 13 year old daughter would you want her to be spending time at a male friends house with another boy, and spend that time in a bedroom with the door shut?

I'm not sure I would personally be happy with that so I'm leaning more towards having the door open

MobLife · 11/09/2020 13:50

And also as you've touched upon that room is going to bloody honk after an hour or 2 😆

BiBabbles · 11/09/2020 13:57

Our house rule is if the kids have guest(s) over, doors stay open. Been this way for years, alongside sleepovers always happening in the front room, haven't had any issues or anyone thinking it was weird.

I don't make it specifically a mixed sex rule. Alongside ventilation, this has more to do previous incidents where a child felt uncomfortable entering or leaving a room if the door was closed (especially with one of the rooms where the door sticks which caused a panic) and a child trying to bar a sibling from their own room because they have a guest over than assuming anything sexual would happen.

Reclinehard · 11/09/2020 13:57

You've just unearthed a memory of when I was about that age with a mixed group. We shut the door and switched the lights off and ran around bumping into eachother / accidentally feeling eachother up until the host's dad walked in (after a very short time). Door open.

Original poster
miimblemomble · 11/09/2020 13:58

@MobLife

That is definitely on my mind: my bf has a girl same age as DS and there’s no way she would knowingly be happy with this.

OP posts:
Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 11/09/2020 14:14

Door open.

Theimpossiblegirl · 11/09/2020 14:16

Open. You can use ventilation as your excuse. She'll thank you for it one day.

2bazookas · 11/09/2020 14:19

Schools are responsible for all pupils safety during lesson hours.

I'd be amazed if your sons school permits 13 yr olds to bunk off school, who knows where, during lesson hours. Free periods are not for entertainment, ; pupils that age should be on the school premises , doing approved educational activities (homeork, reading, preparation etc).

You need to raise this with the school PDQ and I suggest you do NOT encourage your son to do this.

Can you imagine the stink if some of your sons year group were found to be spending hours watching porn in one of their homes with no adult present? Or worse, in the home of some male stranger who bribes them in with free films, snack lunch etc?

JaneJeffer · 11/09/2020 14:22

This reminds me of a story on Oprah years ago where a mixed group were studying together in a parent's attic until they found out they were actually having orgies Shock

Original poster
miimblemomble · 11/09/2020 14:37

@2bazookas

We are in France. From 6eme (first year of secondary age 11-12) children are allowed to leave school for lunch, and any free periods that are straight after. Not all parents give permission, we did because we live 5 minutes walk from school, either DH or I are home a lot of the time, and he’s pretty sensible. It’s normal here.

OP posts:
Original poster
miimblemomble · 11/09/2020 14:44

@JaneJeffer

Lol luckily we don’t have an attic! In fact we are in a flat and his room opens straight off the main hall so they aren’t tucked away.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 11/09/2020 14:49

2bazukas we left school for lunch even in primary school (holland). very normal there 😄

I think you would know best what to do, as you are his mum. Trust him : leave the door closed. And vice versa 😊

OhKnackers · 11/09/2020 14:55

14 years ago when I was 13 my mum didn't mind the door being closed sometimes and other times would want it open. Never saw any pattern, who I was with, how many people, it just seemed to be the mood she was in. I preferred it closed for privacy because we would sit and giggle about daft things. When I got to the age of starting sexual things an open door wouldn't have stopped, we would have found a way around, but at 13 they're pretty young and probably not up to much(I know some kids are but not all, not many really).
And to the poster that said she will thank you later in life, my friends at 13 that were male never made me intimidated and I felt comfortable with the door closed at their house or my own.

Plussizejumpsuit · 11/09/2020 15:07

Why would it smell after a few hours? There's something wrong with the kids if this is happening. I think door closed is fine. What do you think they are going to do? If you can't trust your son not to touch up his female friends then you have bigger issues.

TantricTwist · 11/09/2020 15:12

I would want the door left shut so I wouldn't have to hear them.

Bluntness100 · 11/09/2020 15:32

Honestly at thirteen the over whelming majority of kids are not going to be doing anything dodgey. However you know your own child and if you think there is a risk they will be doing anything untoward them ask for the door open.

CorianderLord · 11/09/2020 16:33

Open open open. Not wide open but around 12cm ajar should be enough.

I was 13 not too long ago... open.

londonscalling · 11/09/2020 16:43

I doubt the girl's mother would be happy thinking you've allowed her daughter in a room with two boys. To cover yourself keep the door open!