Paying partner to be childcare

[RandomNumberName]

Bit of background...

My husband and I split our money 50/50 on all our joint bills.
The only things we spend ourselves is things like gym memberships, personal purchases etc. Even things like clothes and food get a monthly budget and split between us.
Even then we're pretty happy to give each other extra whenever so it's not fixed and stubborn.
We are a couple after all.

We do it this way as at one time one of us was handling all the bills and allowing a certain amount of spending money for the month between us and it was making the other one feel a lack of control over their working life and finances. I'm not going to say if that was me or him as it's irrelevent, just explaining why we split bills, this way I don't feel guilty if I want to spend £50 on 1 item and vice versa.
You see what I mean? This way is just easier and happier for us both.

Ok so with that explained - my aibu is about childcare.
If we both worked 5 days we would earn very nearly the same.

Atm - He works 5 days, I work 2. We have a young child who we don't want to go to nursery until she's 3 when she'll get her 30 free hours.
We've said it would cost £50 a day to put her in nursery for me to return to work full time that's £75 each a week extra EACH we'd have to fork out for her to be with strangers 3 full days!
Instead we agreed he would give what he would pay to me, £75 a week so I can stay home and care for her on those 3 days myself.
We see this as - why should I lose out on my wages but at the same time we don't want dd in full time daycare.
(A relative has her the other 2 days and is happy to do so, so that's not an issue)

However someone mentioned that it's not fair on DH and why should he pay me to look after my own children.

Curiosity killed the cat, now it's got me wondering...!

Is it a reasonable good and fair arrangement we've come up with or aibu?

Sounds a bit bizarre to me, but if you’re both happy with it and that’s what you’ve chosen then fine :)

That money will probably disappear in baby outings/coffee/activities anyway.

I think if I read it right. You both earn your own money then both pay 50% of the bills. Whatever you're left after paying bills from your own wages is yours. So whomever earns more has more disposable income. So I think it's fair that he give you a proportion of his disposable income when you're unable to work as much and therefore earn as much to provide childcare to a joint child whom you have jointly decided not to put in nursery.

I think it's fine, BUT I think that you need to remember that by going part time, it's not just the immediate wages you're losing, but also the hit on future wages due to the slower career progression.

DH is not paying you to look after your own children. You are looking after your own children, and he's giving you what, in a previous time, might be called housekeeping in lieu of him not looking after his own children for half of that time.

However someone mentioned that it's not fair on DH and why should he pay me to look after my own children.

Because he wants to and because you're both happy with it, that's why

I can't think of a single reason why anyone else's opinion would matter.

That money will probably disappear in baby outings/coffee/activities anyway.

What?? 75 quid a week?

It doesn't matter what other people think as long as you are both happy with it. I don't work as we have a child with special needs, I claim carers allowance and DH works full time - everything just goes into the same pot for us.

If you split bills, he absolutely should be paying you for childcare.

However, the minimum he should pay you is half of your lost salary. So if you make more than 50 a day, he is not paying you enough.

Eh not how we do things here but if it works for you that's all that matters. As long as you are both happy with the arrangement, then carry on!

You also need a shared budget for your expenses during these days. It should not all be coming out of your pocket.

Given that you start from a point of both paying the same amount into the pot, I think your solution is fine.

Alternatively, he could pay 5/7th into the total pot and you could pay 2/7th.

More people would I think get a similar outcome by reducing your contribution to the joint bills to recognise your lower income due to childcare. You and your husband have chosen to make it more tangible. But it works for you both so why not?

Honestly if you work 2 days a week and he works 5 because you are caring for his child, he should be paying for a lot more than 50% of the bills. But if 50/50 is the way you want to do it then he absolutely should be paying you for childcare.

Surely this is just making sure you’ve got enough money to get through week to week? It’s not really paying you for childcare, it’s just a reassessment of where the money needs to be at the moment?

@Terrace58

If you split bills, he absolutely should be paying you for childcare.

However, the minimum he should pay you is half of your lost salary. So if you make more than 50 a day, he is not paying you enough.

This. Absolutely this. £75 a week each is the cost of inferior childcare that you don’t want. (Nursery) You want superior (and so more expensive) childcare. (You.) What is your daily rate at work (after tax)? He should be paying you that.

Seems reasonable to me.
It's acknowledging the role of unpaid parental childcarer (often viewed as no having no value monetarily) and making things more equitable financially.
However, will will child expenses be paid out of your stipendt-day trips, nappies, etc? Just curious.

I have a novel idea for you:

shared finances

It would save you a lot of time in complex mental machinations to make sure you are both "equal"

I think it is a bizarre way of looking at family money, but if it works for your then it is nobody else’s business, why would you even tell anyone?

It’s not that he is paying you for childcare, it’s that any disposable income left should be split equally between you.

At the moment this is pretty much the same thing, but it’s likely that you’ll earn different amounts in a few years. If this happens, each person should still have the same amount to spend on themselves.

He’s no way ‘paying’ you enough (assuming you earn < £25 a day after tax)

You are enabling him to work for 3 days more than you are so 60% of his income he can only earn because of what you’re doing, so he should give you half of that - ie 30% of what he earns

Though it should really be 60% of income minus 60% of his pension payments (which should go straight into your pension), then you split the remainder.

Personally I think you should both pay salaries into one account, pay essential bills (rent or mortgage, utilities etc), then any savings and then split the remainder.

You are going to need to look again at your set up when you drop to 2 days. It will no longer be suitable for you to pay 50%.

Add up all the bills (inc childcare, food, etc). If you earn 30% of the household income then you contribute 30% of the household bills amount.

We never had such a formulaic and exact way of doing it, but I guess in principle we did quite similar. We had one pot that we had equal access too regardless of income. In practice he earned far more full time and I earned less as being either SAHM or very part-time. I had access to monies he earned, so in effect he was paying me to childcare but we never thought about it like that. I was supporting his career progression so the family had as better standard of living. For us it worked well. It is, as most things are, about give and take.

I understand the principle but this seems a complicated way of doing it.. but it probably is simpler than it seems.

DH and I both get paid into our own personal accounts. We then keep £250 each for personal spending (clothes, hobbies, etc) and pay the remainder into the joint account for bills and anything that includes both of us.

I’m pregnant.. when I go on mat leave I will still keep my £250/month personal money... and if my salary dips below this, I’ll take money from the joint account so that we both still have £250 personal money each month. All baby spending will come out of the joint account.

Agree with the principal that you shouldn’t be financially disadvantaged for working less to look after DC.

Makes perfect sense to me. I work 3 days a week and look after ds 2 days. My dp pays the bills with his salary and we share mine for everything else. He would never expect me to pay an equal share of everything when I don’t earn as much due to caring for our child. It makes no difference as long as the person caring for the child has a preference for staying home rather than working. Otherwise what’s the issue as you’d be paying childcare anyway? Why should you forfeit earnings to care for a child that is an equal responsibility?

It may make a difference that we’re low earners- dp salary covers all the bills and mine is pocket money & savings.

You should do what works for you.

Are you happy with this set up? Does it work for you both ? Then it’s nobody else’s business