Paying partner to be childcare

[RandomNumberName]

Bit of background...

My husband and I split our money 50/50 on all our joint bills.
The only things we spend ourselves is things like gym memberships, personal purchases etc. Even things like clothes and food get a monthly budget and split between us.
Even then we're pretty happy to give each other extra whenever so it's not fixed and stubborn.
We are a couple after all.

We do it this way as at one time one of us was handling all the bills and allowing a certain amount of spending money for the month between us and it was making the other one feel a lack of control over their working life and finances. I'm not going to say if that was me or him as it's irrelevent, just explaining why we split bills, this way I don't feel guilty if I want to spend £50 on 1 item and vice versa.
You see what I mean? This way is just easier and happier for us both.

Ok so with that explained - my aibu is about childcare.
If we both worked 5 days we would earn very nearly the same.

Atm - He works 5 days, I work 2. We have a young child who we don't want to go to nursery until she's 3 when she'll get her 30 free hours.
We've said it would cost £50 a day to put her in nursery for me to return to work full time that's £75 each a week extra EACH we'd have to fork out for her to be with strangers 3 full days!
Instead we agreed he would give what he would pay to me, £75 a week so I can stay home and care for her on those 3 days myself.
We see this as - why should I lose out on my wages but at the same time we don't want dd in full time daycare.
(A relative has her the other 2 days and is happy to do so, so that's not an issue)

However someone mentioned that it's not fair on DH and why should he pay me to look after my own children.

Curiosity killed the cat, now it's got me wondering...!

Is it a reasonable good and fair arrangement we've come up with or aibu?

Is he going to give you performance reviews? What about sick pay? Will he be paying national insurance contributions? This is so wrong on every level. it casts you in the role of employer and employee and creates a power imbalance in your relationship. Just no.

Sounds a bit mad to me. Also you only work two days but pay half the bills! It’s irrelevant if working full time you earn the same as you don’t, do proportionally to your salary you are paying far more than him, and therefore must have far less available spare funding

You’re fooling yourself OP.

You’re not earning £75 a week because if you were properly employed, you’d be paying into a pension pot and you’re not doing that at the moment.

If you want to treat it as wages, set up a separate pension/savings account. Also, start planning for the longer term future with proper pension planning and a contingency for if you split up. Two out of three marriages break down and it’s the women who are left struggling financially.

So many women I know are in their 50’s and 60’s approaching retirement with inadequate incomes or pension arrangements whilst their ex husbands are enjoying a second wind with their new younger partners.

No-one ever believes it will happen to them and consequently they don’t have a fall back position.

You think you are being savvy but you’re just playing at semantics at the moment.

Sounds like a reasonable agreement to me.

Sounds very complicated. Is all money not joint family money? Why are you paying 50:50 when you earn different amounts?

I know this wasn't the point of your post but just trying to be helpful - I'm pretty sure it's 15 free hours once they turn 3 for nursery. Apologies if this isn't the case for u but it's what my ds is going to get next year (also what my 2 nieces and friends' children all had) so just thought I'd mention it.

30 hours from age 3 subject to certain min/max earnings.

I get it you still keep your financial independance like anything else if it works for you fine.

How can you he willing to make another human with someone and not share your finances?

@Elai1978

I know this wasn't the point of your post but just trying to be helpful - I'm pretty sure it's 15 free hours once they turn 3 for nursery. Apologies if this isn't the case for u but it's what my ds is going to get next year (also what my 2 nieces and friends' children all had) so just thought I'd mention it.

30 hours from age 3 subject to certain min/max earnings.

Both parents need to work at least 16 hours a week or receive carers allowance for 30 gours

Why do you care what others think ?

I think it is odd when someone shares marriage vows and kids yet is obsessed with who pays what. However, it doesn't matter to anyone else just dh and I. If your dh and you are happy then don't bother with anyone else and why discuss it with them anyway if you are happy?

Sounds fair to me. He isn't paying you for child are as such, he is just ensuring you have sufficient money spare to spend on whatever as does he.

It's just money. A married couple should be able to share everything together.

@Macncheeseballs

How can you he willing to make another human with someone and not share your finances?

Why do you have to share a bank account in order to have a commited decent relationship?

It's a absolutely fine & DH and I do something similar.

@FortunesFave

It always makes me laugh on MN when people say "Remember, it's not just the money now but the hit which your career will take in the future"

Not everyone's got a bloody career! Loads and loads of people work in shops...or as carers and cleaners. Not saying you can't progress in those fields but taking a year off your cleaning or caring job won't affect your 'career'.

Sometimes it will. In a horrible recession where everyone is looking for a job, any job, then someone who is in current employment is a more attractive prospect than someone who has been out of the workplace for several years and is clearly not going to be used to balancing the demands of work and family. I know the OP isn’t talking about stopping work entirely but in general I think it’s worth noting as an aside.

OP I agree that paying you £75 a week isn’t going to reflect the losses you will incur to your pension, your CV, your income-assuming you earn more than that. Plus if he also earns more than that, he’ll pay you but still end up with a lot more disposable income. And I’m not sure I fully understand but if you work two days a week and do childcare for three (of your SHARED child) and still pay 50% of your bills, then him bringing you a few pounds a week isn’t going to scratch the surface of the unfairness of that situation.

Put it this way, it’s not a situation I would be happy with, any of it, but it’s not my life or family!

have to fork out for her to be with strangers 3 full days!

Not relevant to your question, but the people who look after children in nursery start off as strangers, but then they get to know each other.

Just say you don't want to send your child to nursery.

You have an odd way of working out your finances.

If you are earning 2/7 but instead of paying 2/7 on the bills you are paying 3.5/7 of the bills and 1.5/7 of the bills is more than or equal to 75 quid then I think it’s fair and square.

I'm constantly amazed by how other married people arrange their finances, but whatever really. I've always viewed all earnings and assets as shared, sort of saw that as the while point. Therefore we as a unit don't pay childcare if we as a unit are looking after the kids ourselves. Thus leaving both of us with whatever salary is paid into our joint account to spend as we see fit - with a budget and consultation for everything outside it. You've set it up differently from the off.

Can’t you just reduce what you pay into thr pot by 75 a week and he pays 75 more because he earns more? That would be a more normal way of doing it same outcome but without this bizarre he’s paying you thing

I don't know about the ins and outs of this, but I do suggest that you look at paying extra NI out of the £75 per week to increase your state pension contribution, otherwise it will take a lot longer to get to 35 years' contributions in order for you to claim it.

Yes YABU. Crazy family.

What!? That’s so weird. If you’re married you should have joint money anyway. Why should be pay you for looking after your own kids, you should save that money as a family.

It won’t if she’s claiming child benefit as that will add years on the the state pension contributions as long as the youngest child is below 12.

@Wakemeupwhenthisisover

What!? That’s so weird. If you’re married you should have joint money anyway. Why should be pay you for looking after your own kids, you should save that money as a family.

DH and I don't and have never shared a bank account. Your way isn't automatically right

Be a team.
Money is important.
Domestic and household jobs are important
Childcare is important.

The rewards are:
Family time
‘Me time’
Money saved for your future
Spending money

Arrange all these joint responsibilities to ensure that each of you has the same amount of leisure time, and the same amount of individual spending money.
You are a unit: a contracted partnership known as marriage.