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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not going to see my MIL

30 replies

Spagettiarms · 11/09/2020 12:40

I haven’t seen my MIL since April and my DH has only see his mum maybe twice since lockdown lifted. She hasn’t phoned us and we haven’t phoned her. Since the country went into lockdown, my 3 kids have had birthdays, she hasn’t contacted them at all but she did post (She actually did this herself) cards through the door for them.

I took a massive step back from my in laws a couple of years ago. My mum and dad died within a couple of months of each other and none of my In laws acknowledge the deaths or went to the funerals. All my in-laws (MIL and DH’s siblings) knew my mum and dad very well. At their funerals my DH said he was so embarrassed as people were asking where his mum and siblings were. After my mums funeral DH would go and see his mum once a week, I just went down every now and again.

When the country went into lockdown I always asked if she needed anything from the shops and would get her some groceries if she needed then. Of course when her daughter, DH’s sister Started to go out a bit more, I was no longer required as she just asked her to get her shopping, fair enough.

I’ve realised my life (don’t know about DH’s) is a lot more clam and settled not seeing them and I just can’t be arsed with them anymore. I’ve always bent over backwards for them and I get nothing in return. I think what’s really bugging me is my SIL’s MIL died and my MIL went to her funeral and she didn’t know her very well. Apparently she went to support her daughter in law and her grandchildren. Obviously my children and I weren’t good enough for her support.

DH is having to go away for work and will be away for a couple of months and during that time, MIL will have a birthday and I really don’t want to go see her.

Am I just been a petty cow or should I just suck it up and go see her?

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 11/09/2020 12:47

Absolutely don't bother. Why should you?

WhoseKids · 11/09/2020 12:50

Your DH should sort cards for him and the DC kids before he goes.

I do n't think you are petty and I would not go to see her.

I might ask the dc to text on the day.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 11/09/2020 12:52

Nah. Don't bother. It's your DH's mums birthday and he can sort the stuff out. Moonpig and Thortful exist for a reason.

Slumcat · 11/09/2020 12:54

I went NC with mine a year ago after they walked out of my home in a rage ( again!) life has been much better for me since, just do it

VinylDetective · 11/09/2020 12:58

I don’t think you’re being petty at all. I completely understand how you felt about your parents’ funerals. I’d have been very hurt. I really feel for you, having lost both mine within months too. 💐

Love51 · 11/09/2020 12:59

I'd take a charitable view of the fact that she supported SIL though her bereavement, in that she realises that she got it wrong with you and doesn't want to repeat that mistake. I wouldn't hold that against her.

WhoseKids · 11/09/2020 13:05

You cannot control other people, only your reaction.

I found it helpful to talk to a professional about similar feelings. I was so hurt and found myself regurgitating feelings over and over. The situation has not changed however how I feel about it all now has. I was also plagued with shouldhavesaiditis. I say how I feel in a neutral way and leave them to get on with it. Stupid things like telling me I think xyz when I feel 123 or nothing at all. I say what I think and if they disagree "I don't know why you think that, I've told you how I feel. We aren't going to agree so we should drop it". If they don't I walk away. It's my version of grey rock.

mbosnz · 11/09/2020 13:06

My policy is I bother with people as much as they bother with me. That way, no reason for grudges on either side.

Thehop · 11/09/2020 13:07

No don’t bother. Your husband can send a bouquet if he wants.

Spied · 11/09/2020 13:10

At the very most I'd post a card through the door like she did for her grandchildren.
This in itself will speak volumes!
I'd certainly not be visiting.

SunbathingDragon · 11/09/2020 13:11

If you don’t like her or get on with her then you are under no obligation to see her.

I’m sorry about your parents. Did your SIL’s MIL die after your parents? I wonder whether your DH spoke to your MIL about the fact she hadn’t acknowledged your parents’ death and she realised she she should have been supportive so did so for your SIL.

Perhaps the cards through the door and stopping asking you to buy things was to make sure she wasn’t a burden and an inconvenience to you. It’s hard to know from what you have posted but you know the full situation best.

Original poster

Spagettiarms · 11/09/2020 13:45

Thanks everyone for your comments.

SunbathingDragon my parents died a couple of years ago, my SIL’s mum died a couple of weeks ago.

Love51 I do hold it against her though and even more so now. I have still yet to hear from her “I’m sorry for your loss”, I never received so much as a phone call from her never mind a card when my parents died, but my SIL gets a card, a visit and a bouquet of flowers delivered to her. DH did speak to his mum when she didn’t turn up to my parents funeral, if she felt anything she would have realised what she did wrong after my dad died and turned up at my mums Funeral, but she didn’t.

I’ve always tried to “fit in”. I don’t know what I’ve ever done to my MIL I’ve always tried to be nice, but it’s never enough.

OP posts:

SunbathingDragon · 11/09/2020 13:47

I’ve always tried to “fit in”. I don’t know what I’ve ever done to my MIL I’ve always tried to be nice, but it’s never enough.

Sometimes realising that, and making the decision not to bother in future with people who make you feel that way is very liberating and calming.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/09/2020 13:57

No, actually I wouldn't even send a card.

I would almost want her to ask, so that I could calmly say 'I don't think I want to be in contact with you really. You showed me that you don't have any real regard for me when you didn't go to my parents' funerals - the second one, even after DH spoke to you about it. You hurt me and embarassed him. I just feel there is no point and as I get older, I just don't want to pretend.'

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 11/09/2020 13:58

If your DH spoke to your MIL after your mum's funeral, what explanation did she offer for not attending it?

As you have seen her since and are clearly upset about it, why haven't you asked your in-laws why they didn't attend the funerals or acknowledge the deaths?

diddl · 11/09/2020 14:05

I think that the cards through the door & her own daughter shopping for her were fine tbh.

Well, it might depend on why you rather than her daughter shopped in the first place?

I'm guessing that you felt used & then cast aside for a "better offer"?
But would you really have been wanting to shop & drop off indefinitely?

Does she see you on your bday?

Do you usually see her on hers?

My MIL always sends me a card so I do feel that if my husband was unable to send her one then I would.

Original poster

Spagettiarms · 11/09/2020 14:07

itsabeautifuldayheyhey. When my dad died she said she wasn’t feeling well, but was out for dinner later that night with friends and when my mum died she just told DH she was busy didn’t give any other explination. I was very hurt and upset but still kept going to see her but as I said it I didn’t go down as much just every now and again.

I know I will feel awkward in the future though if I see her or any of my other in laws. I should really just not give a toss about what other people think

OP posts:

Original poster

Spagettiarms · 11/09/2020 14:10

diddl. I don’t see MIL on my birthday I usually go to see her on here. Last year I had my 40th birthday party, she and my SIL didn’t turn up as they went to the bingo.

OP posts:

coconutpie · 11/09/2020 14:12

No way in hell would I go to her birthday party, nor would I visit her anymore. Cut your losses - she's your husband's mother, it's him you married. Not her. Let him deal with her. Just go NC.

OhCobblers · 11/09/2020 14:15

I absolutely wouldn't bother.
Your DH can arrange it because as a pp already mentioned he can do it via moonpig or similar, and specify a date for when the delivery takes place.
Her grandchildren lost 2 grandparents in quick succession - a phone call is the very least that should have happened.

diddl · 11/09/2020 14:19

@Spagettiarms

diddl. I don’t see MIL on my birthday I usually go to see her on here. Last year I had my 40th birthday party, she and my SIL didn’t turn up as they went to the bingo.

Hmm, idk.

You usually see her-but things don't always have to carry on the same, do they?

I'd rather someone not see me than see me when they don't want to!

And these people who see cares more about-well they can go see her, can't they?

Original poster

Spagettiarms · 11/09/2020 14:34

diddl it doesn’t bother me not seeing her, I’ve never expected it, she doesn’t even come to see DH on his birthday, but she will expect everyone to go and see her.

I just feel my life is so much easier and less stressful not seeing not just her but my Sister in laws too. I feel it’s less stressful because I get myself into a state because of how I feel about the, and I grudge going to see them. It hasn’t always been like that, before my parents died I loved going to see her and my sister in laws, but I knew deep down that I always wasn’t wanted there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spagettiarms · 11/09/2020 14:38

OhCobblers Yeah that’s what I thought. My youngest was especially upset when my mum died. He was too young to go to the funeral And I had to get one of his friends mum to take him for a couple of hours. MIL obviously knew she wasn’t going to go to the funeral but didn’t even offer to babysit him.

OP posts:

heymacaroner · 11/09/2020 14:45

I don't think you should have to be the one to always make the effort - particularly given what you've said about your parents passing away recently (sorry to hear OP).
You're not cutting them out, you just aren't being the first to initiate contact. It's up to them to maintain the relationship too.

elfycat · 11/09/2020 14:46

Not to PIL bash, but I gave up seeing mine 4 years ago and it's been much nicer. DH belongs on the Stately Homes thread (that opened his eyes) and it's complicated by they are very self-absorbed - if you make other life choices go on the attack.

In an ideal world it would be great if everyone could get along, but that's not how life is; with school, work, and families. You want to have one person from that family in your life; you don't sign up to having them all when you marry/live with someone. If it's not working for any reason then it's fine to walk away. They don't sound invested in you so why invest any time or effort on them?

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