Am I too blasé?

[LouiseBelchersBunnyEars]

My DS has just started secondary school, and within a week has already had a detention for uniform infraction (having his shirt untucked)
My DM seems to think I’m raising an absolute delinquent, on the road to hell because I’m not giving him a punishment for it at home.
My DH actually laughed when he found out, but it was only because DS is soo scruffy, and both me and DH were warning him, when you get to senior school you won’t be able to walk around like that, you’ll get in trouble. In fact that morning DH had reminded him not to look scruffy make sure he’s all tucked in, laces done etc.
So he laughed like ‘well, of course he got detention, I’ve been warning him’ not because he thought it was actually funny.
I don’t think DS is doing it intentionally, he said he untucked it because he was hot, wasn’t really thinking about it.

My thinking is that ‘Well. Maybe now you’ll remember to have it tucked it’.
My DM thinks I should be confiscating his electronic or something, so he takes it seriously.

I’m not going to do that, I think the detention on and of itself is enough.

Apparently I’m ‘too blasé’.

Is an additional punishment something you’d advocate for? I mean, if it was something serious I might think about it, but to be honest I think it’s pretty minor, and it’s only his first week!

No I wouldn't punish him any more, he's had a detention and that's enough imo. It's hardly the crime of the century

Detention is enough

My ds gets detentions at school for minor infringements...I don't punish him as well unless it was for something really horrendous like fighting

Anything like fighting, bullying, being rude to the teacher, I'd give an additional consequence at home for, to reinforce the painful lesson that you do not do this.

Infractions of uniform code - especially as draconian as they are over here? Hell no.

@formerbabe

Detention is enough

My ds gets detentions at school for minor infringements...I don't punish him as well unless it was for something really horrendous like fighting

Exactly this, if he had been answering back or being nasty to another student or something, I would definitely reinforce at home. I just don’t think it’s a big deal tbh. They’re the rules, and so I will support the school in enforcing them, but I’m not going to add to it

Yes, there's behaviour which is morally unacceptable, like fighting, bullying and rudeness. Then there are rules which have to be obeyed in the school environment. Having an untucked shirt isn't a reflection of morals and a tucked in shirt isn't fundamentally wrong.

Its like crime...murder is intrinsically and fundamentally wrong. Driving in a bus lane is rule breaking.

and a tucked in shirt isn't fundamentally wrong

Right that should read

Detention is certainly enough, nobody has died for goodness sake.

There are certain things that I think belong to school and should stay in school.
Uniform is one of them. (provided they have the correct uniform at home, and can perfectly well wear it)

In your instance, it is just an untucked shirt! It isn't even as if he (like my ds did) is trying to get away with black jeans instead of school trousers. It isn't even deliberate.

No extra punishments at home and, yes, I would laugh too

oh fgs of course YANBU, he's been punished already by the school, if he doesn't want another detention he won't do it again

I'm with PPs. It's not as if he has been in a fight or rude / talking back to a teacher. If he's otherwise respectful and does well punishing him for having an untucked shirt is IMO instilling the wrong values.

Uniform rules (again IMO) are draconian anyway. Detention for something like an untucked shirt is silly and shouldn't be a thing. In a vast majority of countries there is no school uniform at all apart from basic ground rules to avoid OTT clothing and yet everyone seems to do fine and students education isn't being disrupted over something unimportant like an untucked shirt.

Same here, he is punished enough with a detention.

She is ott and 8 say that as a mum who has been accused of being ott myself!! Unfair for him to be punished twice for the same thing.

And isn't it nice when stuff you've been telling your kids for years and they take no notice all of a sudden they have consequences and realise they have to step up!

My ds started year seven last year...I found they were super strict in the first few weeks...

Thanks so much, you have all really reassured me.
I just didn’t really care, to be completely honest, and DM was just going on and on and on, about how if he’s already got a detention in his first week, what will his behaviour be like by year 10 etc.
It was staring to make me doubt myself a little bit,

Yanbu, schools are stupid about this. I'd just tell my kid to internally think and try to tuck in to avoid.

Mothers are from a different era. Like you will be when your children have children and you invariably moan at their parenting.

Just nod politely and carry on doing it how you want.

YABU for giving this perennial non issue oxygen.

** There are certain things that I think belong to school and should stay in school.
Uniform is one of them. (provided they have the correct uniform at home, and can perfectly well wear it)**

Exactly. The OP had warned her DS about this. He didn’t take heed and faced the sanction for it at school. It’s a school rule, so it’s the school that sanctions him.

Your son has been punished with the detention no need to punish again. Now if it was rudeness to a teacher or fighting then that is something else but this a minor thing. It is a lesson for your son if he doesn't want a detention he needs to be mindful of school rules including dress code.

I think I would warn him that if he continues to get detentions for minor infractions then he clearly isn’t taking the rules seriously and then you will need to have consequences at home as well.

I also think that grandparents don’t understand the current system because in the old days detentions were only handed out for the really bad stuff. Therefore she is probably thinking that he must have done something really bad.

And remember not to mention it to her if he gets another one!

@LouiseBelchersBunnyEars

Thanks so much, you have all really reassured me. I just didn’t really care, to be completely honest, and DM was just going on and on and on, about how if he’s already got a detention in his first week, what will his behaviour be like by year 10 etc. It was staring to make me doubt myself a little bit,

It's really strict, telling him to tuck his shirt in surely would have been more than enough? He's not in the Army!

DM was just going on and on and on, about how if he’s already got a detention in his first week, what will his behaviour be like by year 10 etc

Well the answer to that is, presumably by then he will have learned to keep his shirt tucked in. That is the point of the detention, after all.

Fucking hate stupid uniform rules. I'd probably give him a treat to apologise for sending him to a school that thinks total and complete conformity is so important that they need to enforce it with detentions.

I don’t think you need to punish him further. He has been, at worst, slightly thoughtless of a rule in a way which doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s not like there is an issue with his attitude or a behavioural problem you need to correct.

@Boom45

Fucking hate stupid uniform rules. I'd probably give him a treat to apologise for sending him to a school that thinks total and complete conformity is so important that they need to enforce it with detentions.

Christ - I truly hope not all schools are this stupid.

And YANBU at all.