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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will separating really screw my kids up?

44 replies

SideAfries · 10/09/2020 23:30

They’re 3 and 1.

I don’t hate their dad, but he can be so selfish and not very thoughtful. I’ve fallen out of love, after a million small things combined. I would never stop him seeing the kids, I will never argue with him in front of the kids.

If anything I would really like to maintain a healthy, friendly relationship with him for their sake.

Is it possible to do this without massively effecting them?

YABU - however you do it, they’ll be negatively effected

YANBU - if you do it right they’ll be ok

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 10/09/2020 23:32

Of course it won't really screw them up. I know plenty of people with separated or divorced parents who grew up just fine and had wonderful childhoods.

vodkaredbullgirl · 10/09/2020 23:34

No it wont screw them up, they are still young.

My 2 were 8 and 6 when my ex and i split, they are well rounded 23 and 20 yr olds.

Ringonrighthand · 10/09/2020 23:35

They will be fine, they won't even remember a time when he lived with them. My daughter was 4, she's now nearly 9 and has a great relationship with us both and we Co parent like adults, putting her first, always.

Don't get me wrong there's been heartache, and shit times but she's been protected from that and is very very happy. It can be done. Good luck!

Original poster
SideAfries · 10/09/2020 23:36

@FortunesFave thanks. It just changes the whole dynamic doesn’t it? It’s no longer mums & dads house where you’re always welcome because they both love you equally.

I feel like step parents can really muddy the waters (not all I know, but this was my experience.) I know step parents is way down the road but I can’t help but worry about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
SideAfries · 10/09/2020 23:37

Please anyone voting YABU, I would love to know your opinions too? Genuinely...

OP posts:
Original poster
SideAfries · 10/09/2020 23:39

Thank you both for your experiences. I know there is a whole spectrum out there, I’m kind of asking how long a piece of string is... Hmm just panicking because this will be all my decision/doing!

Don’t want them asking me why I did this to them at 10,11,12... Sad

OP posts:
Keepyourconversationsboring · 10/09/2020 23:39

@SideAfries step parents can be fantastic, and quite the opposite of 'muddy water', unless I've missed your point?

Original poster
SideAfries · 10/09/2020 23:41

@Keepyourconversationsboring no, I absolutely know there are some great ones out there... unfortunately I didn’t have that experience with either step parent so it’s just making me bias.

I know I would never make that mistake but obviously, DP (ex?) will make his own choices & what if she hates/resents the kids is my worry...

OP posts:
Ishihtzuknot · 10/09/2020 23:43

I understand your fears, I split with my children’s dad when they were similar ages and worried about the dynamics. They have dealt with it better than I imagined. It became the new normal and we helped them see the positive side. They had their bad days where they were upset, which is to be expected, but they knew they still had us both and I think it made us better parents.
They never had to witness us argue or grow to hate each other like I did because of my parents staying together when they shouldn’t have. Sometimes splitting is the best thing for the children as well as yourselves, please don’t consider staying to keep your family as it is as long term that will be more damaging than two separate houses.
As for step parents, trust him to make the right choice and that if he did move on it would be with someone he trusts around your children. I resented my ex’s new wife for a long time, especially when she got the house, a wedding and more children with him that could have been my life, but as time goes on it gets easier and we actually get on great. I never met any one so my children didn’t have to accept any other changes and were really happy now.
Best of luck to you Flowers

Original poster
SideAfries · 10/09/2020 23:46

@Ishihtzuknot thank you for your lovely post! You’re right I have to trust him to put them first. 🤞🏼

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 10/09/2020 23:50

Honestly? Yes if you separate there will be some negative consequences, at least for a while. If you stay and gradually move from out of love through to indifference (and maybe even to resentment and dislike) there will be far worse ones.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/09/2020 23:54

They will be fine. A DC knows when their parents are in love or if they're plodding alongside each other for the sake of it.
Life is very short.
Hopefully you can maintain a healthy relationship.

Iwonder08 · 11/09/2020 03:18

OP, it will be much worse if you wait to get divorced until they are old enough /leave the house. My parents did, it wasn't fun. My mum regularly mentions to me how she had to stay married for my sake. In my parents' case there was also no drama, they fell out of love.
You don't want your kids to be responsible for years of unhappiness.

PremierInn · 11/09/2020 03:25

It's probably a good age

If he is selfish and thoughtless, if you stay together you will be 'covering' for him. If you split, he will still be selfish and thoughtless but without you there it will be more obvious. In other words, don't expect great parenting from him, but you would be doing all the hard work together or separate

troublingtimes · 11/09/2020 03:36

Reading with interest

Mintjulia · 11/09/2020 04:10

I moved myself and ds out of the family house when ds was 2y2m and finally split from his dad when he was 3.

Ds is now a happy well adjusted 12 yo who can't remember ever living with his dad, and is perfectly happy to see him weekly.

To be fair, my ex was never very hands on with ds and left 99% of parenting to me so I don't think there was much to miss.

VesperLynne · 11/09/2020 05:48

To be honest, yes it can. I was 8 when my parents split up. We had to move from where we lived to a new school and away from my friends. I was bullied mercilessly at my new school and nobody seemed to be able to stop it so I coped as best I could. Eventually , after I was kicked in the face and lost my front teeth, my father arranged for me to go back to my old school. I left home at 18 to start my medical training and I never went back. I've been very happily married for 23 years so I guess it all came together for me in the end.

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 11/09/2020 05:56

It’s an u known, it will depend on many things, your relationship with each other, future partners you both have, any step siblings/half siblings. Whether one of you move away. Your child’s personality, their friendship group. I know quite a few sibling groups who’s parents got divorced, one sibling affected massively, another totally indifferent. Lots of variables feeding into their reaction, most of which you will have no control over.

It’s a risk that you have to weigh up tbh.

help1help · 11/09/2020 06:00

If it's only small things and your relationship is healthy and friendly, is there any way that you could work on it and save your family? Your children are so small.

My parents stayed together for me and my sibling and I am incredibly glad they put us first and did so.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 11/09/2020 06:37

Staying together when you're not happy will make your kids feel very guilty and resentful once they realise.

pylongazer · 11/09/2020 06:40

I think it does, my parents separated and although everything was cordial and we are actually still very much a family unit (joint presents from parents, Christmas/birthdays together etc) it has definitely affected me. I struggle with relationships and have noticed friends with split up parents tend to struggle more than those with together parents and am TERRIFIED that my marriage will fail and end up damaging the children which actually causes issues in itself. If you are genuinely unhappy of course you must leave but I do think will inevitably be an effect on the children.

megletthesecond · 11/09/2020 06:42

At that age they will adjust very quickly.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 11/09/2020 06:49

Raising them with tension (however much you think they don’t pick up on it) will screw them up a hell of a lot more.

TwilightSkies · 11/09/2020 06:51

I struggle with relationships and have noticed friends with split up parents tend to struggle more than those with together parents and am TERRIFIED that my marriage will fail and end up damaging the children which actually causes issues in itself.

I personally notice the opposite, the ones who struggle with relationships are the ones whose parents stayed in miserable marriages. That includes me.
The people who’s parents separated seem more balanced and confident, probably because they didn’t grow to in households with terrible tension and a constant elephant in the room.

Another poster has said about how they got bullied. That’s awful and I’m sorry that happened to you, but surely that wasn’t directly caused by the fact your parents split? School bullying can happen to anyone.

OP your children will be fine. Far better for them having a happy mother than one who is resentful and dissatisfied. Show them how to be independent and have a full and happy life.
One thing though, don’t desperately rush into a new relationship and try to do the ‘blended families’ thing. Now that definitely CAN have a detrimental effect on children, having strangers foisted upon them and expecting them to enjoy it.

IslaMann · 11/09/2020 06:54

Living with parents who tolerate each other at best, detest each other at worst is far more harmful to children than having happy parents living apart.
When my marriage was breaking down I remember talking to a friend and saying maybe it would be better for my DS if I stuck with it until he was an adult. She told me her parents divorced when her youngest brother went to uni. Her mum told her they had been v unhappy for years. My friend said that knowledge completely changed her memories. The happy holiday in Cornwall was a lie. Fun Christmases were a lie. It was that which made me go ahead. Subsequently my DS has said it was the best thing for him as suddenly he had 2 happy parents.