Will separating really screw my kids up?

[SideAfries]

They’re 3 and 1.

I don’t hate their dad, but he can be so selfish and not very thoughtful. I’ve fallen out of love, after a million small things combined. I would never stop him seeing the kids, I will never argue with him in front of the kids.

If anything I would really like to maintain a healthy, friendly relationship with him for their sake.

Is it possible to do this without massively effecting them?

YABU - however you do it, they’ll be negatively effected

YANBU - if you do it right they’ll be ok

I think you have to accept there is potential for the children to be adversely affected.
But a lot depends on how you both handle it all

What do you mean he can be very selfish?

Do keep in mind that your children are learning about relationships from yours.

I would leave a relationship that made me unhappy. Your DC are young enough that they’d adapt.

I left ex when my dc were 3 & 4 they’re happy confident we’ll adjusted DC.

I however made sure I didn’t walk right into another relationship for a long time it was just us. Also my DC’s routine and life didn’t change much, same house and same school. Yours are young enough that you don’t have to worry too much about that.

All decisions you and your husband make will have an impact on your children - it's just staying in an unhappy marriage is a decision too and one that has equal potential to do harm. The important thing for kids is security and love, they can get that from separated parents and step parents.

Your DC are very young it is a difficult time with 2 small ones.
Is there room for him to change pick up.the slack with the DC.
If not then move on. My DM tolerated my domineering DF she was miserable.

@Pinkyandthebrainz

Staying together when you're not happy will make your kids feel very guilty and resentful once they realise.

Not necessarily. I feel very happy and glad that my parents stayed together, even though they argued and did not love each other. They loved us and that gave us a secure base. I think they did the right thing. My life would have been much worse if they had split up.

I appreciate the sacrifices they made. It's made me think very carefully about the man I chose to marry myself. His parents are also still together despite rough patches and I think we both really value marriage and our vows.

OP says they don't argue in front of the kids, don't hate each other and envisages a friendly ongoing relationship. It doesn't sound to me like the kids would be damaged at all by remaining in this family home with both parents.

If there were abuse or violence then that would be a different thing.

I’m divorced, so far (9 years on) my children appear to not care at all about it! So - I’m not against divorce.

But I think that when you choose to have children with someone, you really have a responsibility to try to make your relationship work. What have you done about his thoughtlessness? What have you done to counter “falling out of love”?

The family dynamics will change, I think that will be a given but family dynamics change all the time with things like a new child/sibling, a child reaching puberty, financial matters, how marriages develop etc. So divorce is just another change to be adapted to. Yes new partners will also change that dynamic but if you can be open and accepting of step-parent then hopefully your kids will be too. I have huge respect for step-parents as they are often at the bottom of family ladder and can be left as the outsider. If you can divorce amicably and not accept that dynamic then I think families can be much stronger. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Anything you do has an impact on your kids. Divorce will but so will staying together

Im a child of parents who really should have divorced instead they stuck it out for "us". I would have loved to have grown up with an example of seeing both of my parents prioritising happiness, of them making the hard choice for the right reasons or even of an example of a functioning loving relationship. They made an easier at the time choice to stay together. My parents rarely argued but there was no sense of affection meerly that everyone tolerated each other and it always made the household feel like it could crumble at any point. I have lasting difficulties with certain things because of this.

@VesperLynne

To be honest, yes it can. I was 8 when my parents split up. We had to move from where we lived to a new school and away from my friends. I was bullied mercilessly at my new school and nobody seemed to be able to stop it so I coped as best I could. Eventually , after I was kicked in the face and lost my front teeth, my father arranged for me to go back to my old school. I left home at 18 to start my medical training and I never went back. I've been very happily married for 23 years so I guess it all came together for me in the end.

This is awful, but not an inevitable part of parents divorcing. Bullying can happen at any school for any reason, not just to the kids of divorced parents or those who have to move schools.

OP I divorced when my DCs were between 6 and 12. It was obviously hard for them to adjust to the change of their dad not being here all the time, but one of the main reasons we divorced was that he was never here anyway, worked weekends, went out on his own on days off etc so having to actually spend a bit of time with them once a week was more than he’d ever done before we split!

We stayed in the family home and he got a place not far away at the start. The upheaval of remembering to take everything they needed on a school night was probably the worst part for them - they had to take something to do, home clothes for the evening, new uniform for the morning, the books they’d need for the next day plus PE kits etc so it was a bit of pain for them to have to think ahead, but taught them to be organised when they missed a couple of things sometimes and had to pop back in the morning to get them!

These days they usually just stay with him if it’s a weekend night, or he takes them out for dinner and drops them home afterwards, so it means I don’t really get much time to myself, but they’ve grown into very helpful and self sufficient people so I’m not doing it all alone anyway. If I go away for a few days with my DP, the ex will come and stay at my house with the DCs to make it easier for them. He also fixes things while he’s here, so I often come home to find lightbulbs replaced, doors fixed, the oven cleaned etc and I let him store stuff in my garage and offer for him to stay for dinner sometimes, so we’re both very amicable. I even bought wrapping paper and gift wrapped a load of things he’d bought for his family recently as he knew I’d make a better job of it

Being on good terms helps hugely - problems start when one partner is abusive or unreasonable and then you’re at war over everything. Boundaries are very much in place, but there’s nothing awkward or uncomfortable here.

Their dad had a GF at one point and my DCs adored her, she loved Harry Potter so it was nice for someone to share that with!! But he’s been single for a few years now.

I have a DP, who’s fun and kind, he’s not perfect and there are ups and downs as in any relationship, so we don’t live together full time, but he brings so much good stuff to the table that the DCs love having him around too. I wouldn’t put them in a position where they had upheaval over my relationship again, so no plans to move in together until they’re all grown up.

If you and your H can both put the DCs first in whatever decisions you make re access, housing, partners etc there’s no reason they will be “messed up” by divorce - that’s a really nasty view on separated families.

There is no 'right' answer here. Staying together for the kids rarely works and who is to say that being raised in a house where your parents don't get in is any better or worse than an amicable separation?

They key thing is that if you do separate, the needs of the DC to be able to see both of you and feel part of a family that includes each of you have to come before any petty arguments or resentments. Easier said than done obviously, but if you and your partner can genuinely put aside past issues and agree to a positive relationship based on building the best possible future for the DC, then there is no reason they should be negatively impact by a split.

@Cocomarine

What have you done to counter “falling out of love”?

This is the problem - I feel like I DO everything. I’m like the house project manager & despite telling DP this 10 thousand times it never changes.

He has caused these emotions in me & I can’t try to figure out a way to fix that as well whilst he sits on his hands.

My son was more screwed up living with parents in a toxic relationship. Everything was better afterwards.

And with the ages of your DC they won’t feel the disruption as much as older DC who are used to a certain school, live near friends and go out to play etc if you do have to move house. My middle one had lived in 4 houses and been to 3 nurseries by the time he was 4, all before we divorced not after.

@SideAfries way better for them to know that parents can love them whilst going their own separate ways. Finding a soulmate down the line showing them what love and relationships look like while staying civil with each other is a great life lesson.

No, it will not mess them up. At all. Kids understand and adjust. As long as they are loved, they can deal with anything.

Following this thread with interest as I was going to ask the same question. Mine are 12 and 8, and this keeps me where I am. I am so unhappy living with nothing more than a housemate. He seems to be fine with it and would never want to even think about separating, so if it does happen it will be my doing. My mind races with the thought that they will be so sad if this happens, and I will end up feeling worse than I do now. However, in the real world, I see so many families who have worked things out with separate parents who are so much happier now, and life does go on!! I can't continue to waste time being unhappy. I basically hide upstairs with the kids every night, just playing with them to avoid being downstairs with him and his endless politics programmes on telly. He's not abusive, nothing like that, but it's not a normal relationship and never will be. I hope that if it does happen, the kids will see a much happier mam and be happy for me.

I feel very happy and glad that my parents stayed together, even though they argued and did not love each other. They loved us and that gave us a secure base.

But they could have loved you and given you a secure base while living separately MINUS all the arguements. They would have been happier themselves too I’m sure.

A couple I was close to weren't getting along any more and even as an adult, spending time in their company was excruciating. They've split and co-parent fairly amicably, and are polite and even reasonably friendly towards one another. The atmosphere is so much nicer to be around even as an adult who can leave so it must be such a relief for their girls who had to live in that awful tension. Two calm happy homes is so much better than one miserable home.

He's sitting on his hands doing nothing, he's been asked to change and he won't so where exactly does he think this marriage is going?
I'd leave as well children or no children because I am not a skivvy in any relationship, I expect to be treated as an equal not a subordinate.