To ask how do you keep your long term marriage alive?

[WaffleDogg20]

Dh and myself have been together 7 years and married for 1. He was/is my best friend before my husband. He makes me laugh and I genuinely feel like he’s my soul mate. We have a 4yr Dd and I have two from a previous marriage who he dotes on.

Our marriage was going well until lockdown and somehow we have taken a massive downward spiral.

We never get time together, he works long shifts but when he’s home we are always with the Dc. Now the youngest has started school we were excited to get some time together.

We sit on different sofas, and I will admit to being addicted to my phone. We haven’t had sex since lockdown.

Today we had an argument and he said he felt like we have no relationship and that he doesn’t enjoy my company anymore. Obviously I’m massively hurt and heartbroken. We used to have such good fun together and loads of happy memories before our youngest came along.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to separate as I love him so so much, he’s an amazing dad and we have built a life together. He says he wants to caddy on and hope it will fix but doesn’t give any ideas on how to do this?!

Please help, I don’t want to lose my husband.

Ps- we never argue really. Bicker every so often but we’ve never shouted and argued.

Being honest I think people have unrealistic expectations of marriage. We’ve been together a very long time and we have periods where things are very shit - we both have chronic health issues, he works a very stressful job, we have a disabled child etc. We’ve been through a lot together and sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes we shout at each other and are more like house mates but we get through it and have confidence that things won’t be like this forever, or we hope they won’t be. We still talk to each other when we can and find stuff to watch on tv together etc. We haven’t had a date due to lack of childcare in many years. We have no family for support. We just have each other. And in some ways that makes us closer because we are all we have.

I have been married before my now dh and that was awful, really awful and I don’t think anyone should stay in a truly miserable marriage but I think even the most perfect marriage will have periods of no sex / not much relationship as such especially when you have young kids / work whatever else. It’s just life really.

What I’m meaning to say really is that if your dh is desperately unhappy that’s different but if he’s just saying he’s finding things hard and he wants to plod on maybe that’s ok?

I honestly think no time together is such a relationship killer, it’s when you get sucked into the monotonous conversations about work and/or the recycling because you have nothing in common to talk about. Also agree with the PP above, I’ve been with my DH for a long time and you become more of a team than a super-romantic couple, which sounds like a negative but is actually the complete opposite. It’s great, you know someone always has your back.

Having said that, I think sex is quite important in a marriage. Is there a reason for the no sex or has it just not happened for a while?

Read some romance novels to get your head in the game. Normally I just get a steak dinner and put a movie on. He cooks it and I drink!

It doesn't sound so bad, just that your in a bit of a dip in these strange times, maybe a touch of the 7 year itch. Why not change something small every couple of days, like tonight sit on the same couch with him?

Make time, because it sounds like he wants to reconnect. It takes active participation and effort rather than letting something become a habit sometimes but also letting yourselves fall into a routine in other ways. There isn't one solution as your needs and lives change, checking in regularly is cheesy but it helps. Also active listening is a great skill.

Plan a date night at home when kids in bed. No phones, takeaway and cuddling on the sofa. Relax and enjoy each other's company. It sounds like he's telling you he's unhappy with the way things are but not that he's unhappy generally if that makes sense. Lockdown has been difficult for everyone and you've just lost connection a bit

Try putting your phone down when he gets home from work and not looking at it again that day. Someone who's glued to their phone is zero company.
Talk to him and really listen as he speaks. Hopefully, he'll do the same for you.
After you put the kids to bed ask him to come and get soapy in the shower with you.
Put on some naughty undies under your normal clothes and make sure he notices as you get ready for bed.
Have early nights where you just talk about the day, the kids, the price of fish or whatever.
Watch a movie you saw at the cinema when you were dating.
Read a racy novel out loud to each other.

Are you affectionate? Do you show him you still fancy him and love being his partner?

Put down your phone!! Make the effort to hold hands or have a cuddle. Might sound silly but DH and I often play board games or switch games once DC are in bed, means we are doing something together rather than just sitting staring at the tv!

I hear you, I think it’s life. DH and I have had sex twice since March. Once on the night of our first ‘Zoom’ drinks night with friends where we had a few drinks, then once about a month ago when DS went to stay with his granny for the night. I just don’t want to at the moment, life is tough and exhausting and constant etc and it’s the last thing I want when I collapse into bed at night.

I agree it’s just life and I’m ok with it. If DH has any complaints he make more effort or elsewhere. I’m not taking on responsibility for it or guilt about someone feeling a certain way. I’ve got enough to do and I bet you do too.

@ClementineWoolysocks you post depressed me sorry. Sounds like a lot of work for the woman to please her man TBH. I thought it was 2020.

7 years? That's nothing.

He says you have no relationship and you agree with him. You also agree that you spend all your time on your phone. There is no need to jump from there to ending the relationship? Isn't the obvious step to turn the phone off and spend time with each other - even if it's just sitting on the same sofa for an hour in front of a telly programme you both enjoy with a bowl of crisps?

For many years DH and I made a point of having just couple of regular hours a week doing an activity together. Ours was a dance class - well we can't do that now but we do have a telly series we watch together once a week. You could have a regular video night, do the garden together each weekend (if that's a pleasure not a chore), play a boardgame, cook a roast or order a takeway and then sit together with your food and a bottle of wine. Anything will do!

What did you used to do together before you had your youngest? It may be worth talking through a new activity, something you wouldn't have thought of before but fits in with your family life. Things are more limited now but see what you can manage.

Can you get a babysitter and have a date night? Cinemas and restaurants are all operating as normal round here?
Or games night when the kids are asleep? Wine and cheese night? Listen to some music?

Put away your phone, sit and watch a movie together, play a board game, make a special meal ... you need to be creative with grabbing time together. Separate sofas turns into separate rooms and then you look back and realise 10 years have passed and you feel the same, not wanting to spend time trying.

It's hard when they are young but grab moments, rekindle, try ... or it's give up time

Completely agree, put your phone away for the evening. If you are constantly scrolling you cannot concentrate on anything let alone hold a proper conversation. I could not put up with this in a partner.

Been with DH 13 years, married 8. Active participation as PP said a must. Also some planning too. Agree with another PP that some people have an unrealistic expectation of marriage and sometimes it's hard work. Other times it's a breeze and lots in between too. Effort in terms of dinner together - not mum eating with the kids and dad later on/ on his own (so many couples do this). Ask each other about your day. Talk/ chat/ put a movie on you can both enjoy/ sit on same sofa. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't go to bed on an argument. Can you go for a walk if not a date together? Dress up (or down!) and have date night at home if you can't go out. Sounds as though it's been a hard lockdown and you just need to find yourselves and reconnect again.

You can fix it. I've also been married 7 years and only had a year in total with my DH before our first child was born. 1. Ditch your phone. Its poison. I have asked my DH to hide it from me for an hour at a time. 2. Cuddle on the sofa. The sex will then slowly come back.

We have to plan time together. Which seems daft given we're living and working in the same house, but if we don't, it doesn't happen!

Some may say it's a bit artificial, but it's worked from when we first moved.in together and for 16 years since. The phrase 'date night' is kinda cringey too, but everyone knows what it means (even though it might be a date-hour when kids were needier)
So we try and have a weekly 'date night' and at least watch TV and have a decent meal together, and also a night of snuggling up. Health issues sometimes get in the way, but I don't think it hurts the kids to be told occasionally 'we're watching our telly, go away' and to lock the bedroom door for a quarter hour when they should be in bed.

Put the phone away! You will feel better in yourself for doing that - I don’t think we actually notice how much mental energy it soaks up.

Why no sex? I personally haven’t had loads in lockdown but I think it’s an important part of keeping a relationship intimate, unless one of you has health problems etc

Wow, can’t believe the lack of sex since lockdown. we’re the opposite! We’ve been married for 22 years, together 25. During lockdown, we’ve walked the dog together every day ( our children are teens) and it’s our time to talk- we did it as often as we could before lockdown as well, just to have the personal space. We do many things together in normal times- go out, visit places, etc. and we both have our own hobbies so there’s usually something to talk about.

As PP’s recommended, put the phones away and talk to each other. Even watch something together.

I'm in a very similar position OP. We don't sit on the same sofa either! Except I've tried to sit next to him and he told me he wanted space and to go back to my own sofa...
He never instigates sex or kisses/hugs me and it makes me sad. In every other respect he's great, but I think lockdown has put pressure on us and also made me notice the lack of intimacy more as he's around a lot but not paying me much attention. We are at least having sex lots but that's down to lockdown making me really horny and tbh I feel like he's humouring me as he doesn't show a lot of interest.
I feel like your DH - we barely have a relationship other than coparenting and I don't know what the answer is. I really hope the rest of married life isn't like this...

I don't know if this would work for everyone, but we get pissed together on a Saturday night. We play music, sometimes games, whatever, but we always know that Saturdays are our nights! I mean, it's not every single week, if we make plans to go out with friends, or have them round, or even go out on our own, that's OK, but as a general rule, that's how we do it! Married over 20 years now BTW.

[quote BasinHaircut]@ClementineWoolysocks you post depressed me sorry. Sounds like a lot of work for the woman to please her man TBH. I thought it was 2020.[/quote]
If showing interest and wanting to initiate sex with your husband is depressing then I don't know what to say.
Hopefully doing these things makes him want to also do things for her, it's about sparking something.

Get off your phone and spend some quality time together. Kids in bed or in their rooms!

I have been married 32 years. Marriages really do go through phases where sometimes you're closer and sometimes you're not. Lockdown has created a whole new set of challenges for couples to deal with. However it does sound as if your phone is a major issue - you yourself describe it as an "addiction"