Feel so sad for my kids

[Ridiculousmummy]

NC as I know I’m being totally ridiculous but I can’t help it!
I have 2 DC (4 and 3yo). Both have just started a new school on Monday, one in reception, the other in nursery. They have both attended private nursery from being babies and are confident, friendly children. They have always been well liked by staff, other parents and children (not boasting, just that it’s relevant to what I’m about to say).
They both went in to school on the first day with beaming smiles despite having never met any of the staff or other children and not knowing the building.
When they came out on the first day, both were happy, although they said they hadn’t played with anyone (fair enough, it was their first day). On the second day, they again went in smiling, DC1’s teacher made a remark about him always looking so happy (lovely!) When they came out, DC2 said she was a bit sad as none of the other boys and girls would play with her. When we walked back past DC1’s class on the way out, he saw his teacher still outside. He ran up and gave her a hug, she looked a bit taken aback but dealt with it with good grace, DC2 then ran over to say hello and teacher remarked ‘oh, who are you?’ (Fair enough, they have lots of new faces to learn)
Day 3, both went in smiling. When they came out, DC1 spotted 2 girls from his class while we were waiting for DC2 to come out. He said excitedly ‘look mummy, those girls are in my class!’ and ran over to them, giving one of them a hug. She pushed him away. I explained to DC1 that not all children like to be hugged and suggested that maybe he should try asking them to play instead. So he ran over to them and asked if they wanted him to make them an ice cream (as there was a pretend ice cream shop on the yard). They ignored him and ran off. He came back over to me, looking a little sad, and said ‘they don’t want an ice cream’. I explained that maybe they just didn’t want to play right now. DC2 came out, happy, but when asked how her day had been, she replied that she had been a bit sad because none of the children would play with her. I said I’m sure she had been playing with other children in the day and she replied no, she asked but nobody wanted to play. I assumed she was just being an absent minded 3 year old.
Then this morning, day 4. Again, both went in smiling. We have an early drop off for DC1 and then wait 30 mins for DC2 to go in. We were the first to arrive at DC2’s classroom. About 5 minutes later, another child arrived. DC2 got excited, saying ‘Hi Charlie!’ (not real name). The 2 children started playing with each other, chasing each other around and giggling together. This went on for about 5 mins, until other children started to arrive. Another little boy wanted to join in the game and so they carried on playing, until the second little boy told DC2 she couldn’t play anymore. DC2 came over to me looking sad, saying she liked little boy 1 but she didn’t like little boy 2 as he wouldn’t let her play anymore. I explained to her that it wasn’t kind to say that and she couldn’t be little boy 1’s only friend. There were other children waiting by that point, so I encouraged her to go and ask another child if they wanted to play. She skipped off happily to do this, approached another little girl and said ‘Hi Fiona, do you want to play with me?’ only to get the answer ‘no’.
I feel like everything they are trying is getting shoved back in their faces. Are all children this age so unfriendly? I wasn’t expecting this at all. I know I should just be happy they’re going in smiling as they must enjoy it when they’re there, but as an adult my heart is breaking for them because they’re trying so hard to be accepted and getting nowhere! The whole school environment just seems so impersonal and unfriendly, which I was expecting to a certain extent, but certainly not from 3 and 4 year old children!
I guess I’m just missing our lovely old nursery 😭
Please can somebody knock some sense into me? 🤣

My dc hate other children hugging them unless invited to. I have worked hard over the past few months teaching them to respect their own personal space and boundaries and other people's. I am sure if a child they barely knew at all came bounding over they would find it too much and probably wouldn't want to play with them.
This won't last forever though, once they are all settled in and have the beginnings of friendships I am sure OP's dc will have lovely friends.

If I remember correctly it was after the October midterm when DD made friends and I knew lots of the parents in her class.
DS started the 1st of September he knows one DC by name.

With some input from their parents from time to time, but not to the extent that they never socialise without help

You are exactly why some kids are quite mean to others. At 3 and 4 children really struggle navigating group dynamics and will tend strongly to trying to form pairs to the exclusion of others. They also quickly learn that there is power in saying another child "can't join" in. They need a lot of supervision and guidance or quickly some children become routinely left out.

3 and 4 year olds are by default selfish and have very little developed empathy. In some group environments some do actually have to be made to include others.

Ancientgran

Loads of kids hug. I hug my children (and they me) often, it's how we express affection. So of course young children then do the same when trying to express affection.

My son does it and I've only ever seen it responded to positively, his peers often do the same. He was playing with a child from his preschool in the park and when we had to leave they both spontaneously hugged happily.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I’ve actually told by my sons preschool exactly the opposite, that I interfere too much and the constant, don’t do that, share nicely etc, means he now can’t navigate social situations himself (they’ve said it a lot more kindly than that). So I agree with the PP, we need to take a step back and allow our children to figure this stuff out for themselves, obviously not to a point where they hurt each other but they need the opportunity to learn without parents micro managing all their social interactions.

I’ve been a bit worried about this but from the other angle. My daughter knows a few children from nursery and I think they could do with being split up a bit as they just stick in their group and by the sounds of it have not really tried that hard to include others. I’ve told her to be kind to the children that don’t know anyone else and explained that it is harder for them being on their own. I hope it sinks in soon but I wanted you to know that some of the parents are probably aware and trying to teach their children in to be more inclusive.

I can recall a day trip with DD's pre school to celebrate the end of preschool and the start of school.

At the soft play area I saw two of the girls running away from my DD and laughing.

My DD came over upset and I explained to her that sometimes children do things like this because that they are little and learning, but to never chase after someone who isn't being nice.

They are now in Yr1 together and get on fine! Although I'm sure there have been many encounters, and still more yet to come!

Imo I don't think you should keep pressurising him to go and ask to play. It sounds like he already has the skills to make friends and in time he will. It's early days still.

are all children this age so unfriendly - all but yours? No, of course not.

Sailingblue

When my DD started school she was one of 9 from a nearby preschool, in a class of 30.

I thought the same but very quickly they all started forming new friendships.

I think as long as you're encouraging your DC to not leave someone out then I wouldn't worry.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

With some input from their parents from time to time, but not to the extent that they never socialise without help

You are exactly why some kids are quite mean to others. At 3 and 4 children really struggle navigating group dynamics and will tend strongly to trying to form pairs to the exclusion of others. They also quickly learn that there is power in saying another child "can't join" in. They need a lot of supervision and guidance or quickly some children become routinely left out.

3 and 4 year olds are by default selfish and have very little developed empathy. In some group environments some do actually have to be made to include others.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Have a little think about who's being mean.

Our youngest was the only one in reception who hadn’t been at the attached playgroup/pre-school. Like yours, he was an approachable, friendly boy but it did take time, a good month.
A year on, we had to move and he still, 12 years later, has the goodbye book the class made him with self portraits and lovely messages saying what a great friend he was and how much he would be missed.
(The portraits are hilarious )

Your kids sound great. I’m sure they find their own way and friends soon.

Also remember that their perception of what is happening can be different and that there is a huge adjustment after lockdown too. As a teacher I have spent hours making fun lessons and resources and seen the kids have an amazing time learning (older kids) Then when They are asked what they did at school today they say ‘nothing’ or focus on the one bad thing that happened ‘Bob are my kitkat’ 🤣

It’s very early days and strange times. The teachers have probably had conversations with the children about hugging and close contact which you should be reinforcing too. I’m sure as your children are confident and friendly they will have lots of friends soon. Just try and relax and let friendships fall into place naturally.

@AutumnLeavesStart

Tell your kids to stop hugging people FFS. They’re not supposed to be and some other kids will be very very unhappy with it having repeatedly been told how risky it is. That won’t be helping.

Other than that, it just takes time. You can’t worry too much about little snippets of interaction they have at that age, though it’s hard not to.

This, I think.

There are times when I kick myself for teaching mine to be so caring, open and accepting.
Because most other kids aren’t. And then their parents just dismiss it as ‘oh it’s just kids being kids isn’t it, they have to learn’

I learned that a LOT of other parents tolerate and even enjoy cliquey behaviour in their primary aged children.

Because it’s what they as parents do themselves too. Why do you think there are so many threads on here about awful schoolgate experiences?

Bless them, kids are arseholes.

It does take tome, I think. They aren’t going to gel instantly on the first day with kids who have potentially been together for years.

Are you positive no one is actually playing with them? Or is it a case of no one plays with them for the first bit of playtime etc and then they have a little run around but the first isolation is what they remember? They’re only tiny so try not to worry too much.

Can you have a word with their teachers and just say can you buddy them up?

@OrangeSamphire

There are times when I kick myself for teaching mine to be so caring, open and accepting. Because most other kids aren’t. And then their parents just dismiss it as ‘oh it’s just kids being kids isn’t it, they have to learn’

You can teach children to be caring, open and accepting without interrupting their play constantly. Mine were never cliquey, despite being given a level of freedom that would probably shock some people on this thread :) Funny, as I live in Germany, and here I was probably considered a helicopter parent

And yes, I do believe that 3- and 4-year-olds still have to learn to make friends. Would anyone tell off a 3-year-old for not knowing how to socialise properly? Make them feel bad about getting it wrong? I don't think anyone would want to do that.

@AutumnLeavesStart

Tell your kids to stop hugging people FFS. They’re not supposed to be and some other kids will be very very unhappy with it having repeatedly been told how risky it is. That won’t be helping.

Other than that, it just takes time. You can’t worry too much about little snippets of interaction they have at that age, though it’s hard not to.

OP literally says in the OP that she's explained that not all kids like to be hugged. Or do you think it would be more effective to give a small child a massive bollocking for it instead?

That would really upset me too, my oldest was picked on throughout reception by a little girl in her class and it was heartbreaking. On the 2nd day dd hugged the little girl and she said 'eeeee you're a lesbian', my dd said 'I like being a lesbian' (she had never heard the word and assumed it meant friendly/hugging people or something similar) and the other kid shrieked in horror and told all the others not to play with her as she was 'disgusting' for being a lesbian. The teacher caught wind by the end of the day, worked out what had happened and told the mean kid off, and spoke to her parents. DD came home very upset and asking why lesbians were disgusting. I (in hindsight but I was a bit PFB back then) massively overreacted and went into the school in a rage, insisted on speaking the head and basically made out this 4 year old was an evil bullying homophobe who wasn't safe to be near other children. This resulted in the head speaking to the parents, the kid feeling that DD had caused her no end of trouble and from then on she found new ways to torture her every day - splashing water all over her, stamping on her feet, scribbling on her pictures etc. It escalated more and more until the girl ended up on a fixed term exclusion and I had DD on a waiting list for the only other non-religious primary in the area. It was honestly one of the worst times of my life.

Then they went back after the Christmas holidays and magically there was no problem any more. They were never close friends but there was no more bullying - they even invited each other to their birthday parties. DD barely remembers now how bad things were. Point is, 4 year olds are weird and things change really quickly. Even if they were being horribly excluded (which it doesnt sound like) this can change overnight and by a few weeks in they will have found their little tribe and be absolutely fine. I guarantee its worrying you more than it is them.

It takes a bit of time to settle. Kids usually only tell the bad bits leaving out the fun bits, having 5 kids myself, I use to often hear no one played with them, but they did.

You do need to speak to them about hugging, firstly there is a pandemic, you need to explain to them that they can't hug for now, do it in a child friendly way. Schools are teaching social distancing, they have changed everything to help get kids back to school, other parents will have spoken to their kids about SD, so yes the kids will be confused when yours run up and hug them. If I've spoken to my kids about not hugging or touching, of course they'll be confused if another kid keeps hugging them.

Also, every kid is different, I've a severely disabled dd and she hates hugs, touches etc, there are many kids who don't like hugging or touch, you need to explain this to them and stop judging other kids on your own circumstances. There's one kid on our road who loves hugging dd, she actually bolts down the road to hug her, I've explained to the child, I've told the mother, but she just thinks it is cute, except my dd gets traumatised and ends up vomiting from a melt down because the kid up the road loves hugging.

The teacher will not know siblings, she was probably taken aback as she had 2 kids hugging her, again, the hugging needs to be tamed back a bit. The teacher is probably worried about her health and doesn't need kids hanging off her.

Just sit down with your kids and explain that things are different for now. Nursery is different, there it's lots of cuddles and hugs and one to one, but now in school it's different, there's more kids, there's one teacher, everyone has to learn about each other, not everyone is going to get along, it'll take time but they'll learn.

On the hugging thing, surely OP you’ve been telling your son for the last six months he mustn’t hug anyone he doesn’t live with? It’s not just that other kids done like it at the moment. My two year old gets social distancing and when you ask him why we need to he says “coronavirus”. After all this time, it’s not rocket science.

People are worried about the kids being back in school, cases are going up and up, the hugging is more of an issue than you seem to realise. It will make plenty of kids pretty nervous. That said, what you’ve described sounds pretty normal for the start of reception, they’ll get there.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland hugging your children, children hugging friends is very different to constantly running up to adults or other children and hugging them. At the moment it is obviously even more important to be teaching children to respect people's personal space. I have 2 grandchildren who are 3 and they both understand that and know that they can't do some things "because of the covid." as they tell me. I think they would run away from random kids hugging them and it isn't because they aren't nice or friendly it is because they have been taught it isn't appropriate.

I only just realised that they hugged a teacher as well. That is so utterly inappropriate at the moment. Lots of teachers have felt pressured back into school and all schools have been really clear that there is to be no physical contact at all.

You really need to sit your children down and explain to them about covid and that they must not ever touch anyone outside their household

@Dishwashersaurous that's not true of all schools. In my school early years teachers are most definitely still letting children have a hug if they need one - I don't work in early years any more but I genuinely can't imagine how you could possibly teach nursery or reception with zero physical contact, particularly in autumn term when its all so new