Feel so sad for my kids

[Ridiculousmummy]

NC as I know I’m being totally ridiculous but I can’t help it!
I have 2 DC (4 and 3yo). Both have just started a new school on Monday, one in reception, the other in nursery. They have both attended private nursery from being babies and are confident, friendly children. They have always been well liked by staff, other parents and children (not boasting, just that it’s relevant to what I’m about to say).
They both went in to school on the first day with beaming smiles despite having never met any of the staff or other children and not knowing the building.
When they came out on the first day, both were happy, although they said they hadn’t played with anyone (fair enough, it was their first day). On the second day, they again went in smiling, DC1’s teacher made a remark about him always looking so happy (lovely!) When they came out, DC2 said she was a bit sad as none of the other boys and girls would play with her. When we walked back past DC1’s class on the way out, he saw his teacher still outside. He ran up and gave her a hug, she looked a bit taken aback but dealt with it with good grace, DC2 then ran over to say hello and teacher remarked ‘oh, who are you?’ (Fair enough, they have lots of new faces to learn)
Day 3, both went in smiling. When they came out, DC1 spotted 2 girls from his class while we were waiting for DC2 to come out. He said excitedly ‘look mummy, those girls are in my class!’ and ran over to them, giving one of them a hug. She pushed him away. I explained to DC1 that not all children like to be hugged and suggested that maybe he should try asking them to play instead. So he ran over to them and asked if they wanted him to make them an ice cream (as there was a pretend ice cream shop on the yard). They ignored him and ran off. He came back over to me, looking a little sad, and said ‘they don’t want an ice cream’. I explained that maybe they just didn’t want to play right now. DC2 came out, happy, but when asked how her day had been, she replied that she had been a bit sad because none of the children would play with her. I said I’m sure she had been playing with other children in the day and she replied no, she asked but nobody wanted to play. I assumed she was just being an absent minded 3 year old.
Then this morning, day 4. Again, both went in smiling. We have an early drop off for DC1 and then wait 30 mins for DC2 to go in. We were the first to arrive at DC2’s classroom. About 5 minutes later, another child arrived. DC2 got excited, saying ‘Hi Charlie!’ (not real name). The 2 children started playing with each other, chasing each other around and giggling together. This went on for about 5 mins, until other children started to arrive. Another little boy wanted to join in the game and so they carried on playing, until the second little boy told DC2 she couldn’t play anymore. DC2 came over to me looking sad, saying she liked little boy 1 but she didn’t like little boy 2 as he wouldn’t let her play anymore. I explained to her that it wasn’t kind to say that and she couldn’t be little boy 1’s only friend. There were other children waiting by that point, so I encouraged her to go and ask another child if they wanted to play. She skipped off happily to do this, approached another little girl and said ‘Hi Fiona, do you want to play with me?’ only to get the answer ‘no’.
I feel like everything they are trying is getting shoved back in their faces. Are all children this age so unfriendly? I wasn’t expecting this at all. I know I should just be happy they’re going in smiling as they must enjoy it when they’re there, but as an adult my heart is breaking for them because they’re trying so hard to be accepted and getting nowhere! The whole school environment just seems so impersonal and unfriendly, which I was expecting to a certain extent, but certainly not from 3 and 4 year old children!
I guess I’m just missing our lovely old nursery 😭
Please can somebody knock some sense into me? 🤣

Ah op, mine is going through the same thing. No advice just a hand to hold and a knowing nod.

@OhCaptain I’m definitely getting a skewed version of events, yes 🤣 I can guarantee they will have been playing with other children in school. It’s just upset me seeing first hand how they’re trying to interact and being ignored, I don’t want this experience to change who they are as children, but I’m probably massively overreacting!

@AutumnLeavesStart I did say in my OP that I am trying to get DC1 to stop hugging people, however this is how he has interacted with others from being a baby. The nursery he attended was a very nurturing one where he was hugged often, it’s comforting to him. I know this is not the way for him to make friends and he will learn that, but if it’s always worked for him in the past it’s going to take more than one episode of telling him to stop hugging people to actually get him to stop! He’s only 4 🤣

Your children are lovely and you care for them deeply.

It takes time to adjust and make friends.

Best wishes and soon all will pass and things will be good

@IHateCoronavirus thank you 😊

@StayClosePooky

Not to go NEAR people, obviously. Our children shouldn't beat people either but I feel that does without saying

😂😂 funny typo!

I have a really friendly dc1 who had this sort of thing at her nursery. Because she is doggedly friendly, she just persisted and in the end, she ended up with lots of friends. She doesn't hug other kids though, I have to say, and I think you did the right thing explaining that some kids don't like that. It's so sweet that they love everyone and want to hug them, but it isn't to everyone's taste, especially at the moment.

Dc2 is so unfriendly, it actually worries me at least as much, if not more. He shouts if other kids come near him. Actually having to work on it quite a bit now. Don't think lockdown and social distancing have helped in that regard, but hey ho. It may be that some of these kids in your dcs' classes are more like my dc2.

No one else even talked to their kids at all, never mind spoke to them about being inclusive. They’re only 3, they still need lots of guidance on how to play and be kind! Thank you
Did you watch and listen intensely, watch each parents lips. I was with you up until then.

Some very small children still express their emotion by being tactile. It should not be shut down (stop now), it should be eased off (shown other ways to express emotion).

There are quite a few anti-huggers on here but I'm going to presume they have never had one or that they do not understand small children's psychology.

@Emeraldshamrock sorry I probably wasn’t very clear on this point. There were children standing with their parents and I’m sure their parents were talking to them. However, I’m referring to the children who were playing. It’s a fairly small space so the parents would definitely have heard what happened. The children would either need to be called back for a quiet word (they weren’t) or spoken to in a loud voice, which I would have heard (they weren’t).
I’m not saying they were being horrible children or anything! It’s just that they’re 3 and in my opinion it’s our job as parents to watch and listen when they’re playing and teach them when they’re not being kind, otherwise how will they learn?

The hugging should stop. Not only is it a bad idea right now it’s not OK to barge in and invade someone else’s personal space like that. Some people, especially children who have experienced trauma react very badly to being embraced like this.

I’d very quickly remind your child that he can hug family but that’s it.

@Emeeno1 totally agree, DC1 is extremely tactile, he has some other sensory issues as well, so it’s not as easy as just saying ‘don’t hug’ because to him that’s exactly what he would want so why doesn’t everyone else?! I know lots don’t like it though which is why we’re trying to suggest other ways for him to connect. Thank you for your support 😊

Another little boy wanted to join in the game and so they carried on playing, until the second little boy told DC2 she couldn’t play anymore.
These are 3 and 4-year-olds; they are tiny. It may be their first time at school, they are going to be over-excited, scared and still learning how it all works. The little boy wasn't being deliberately nasty or unfriendly, he probably just doesn't have a clue what to do with strangers. At your old nursery, the kids all knew each other and were in a familiar environment. Give these little ones the benefit of the doubt, and make sure not to be too negative about them in front of yours.

When I started school at that age, my parents had just split up and I was living in a new town with no friends. I was shy and would have found it really uncomfortable with such extroverted children, rushing about and being excitable.

At the moment there is extreme nervousness amongst some parents about allowing their children into a school environment. A random child hugging would be petrifying to some of the parents I know.

I think you need to expect it to take longer for people to relax given the current situation

Yes, it does take time. When my daughter started school, most of the other children had gone to the same pre-school and were already in friendship groups. We were new to the area. Some little toad locked her in the loo on the first day. She did eventually make friends with two other girls and they are still in touch at the age of 40!

that they’re 3 and in my opinion it’s our job as parents to watch and listen when they’re playing and teach them when they’re not being kind, otherwise how will they learn?
By playing with the others, over time, learning from their peers, making their own mistakes and finding out how others react. With some input from their parents from time to time, but not to the extent that they never socialise without help.

I am unusual in that I can clearly remember things from under two year old. I’m not a tactile person and have never been and as a small child another kid hugging me would have been really uncomfortable for me.

You are overthinking these interactions, your dc will be fine it just takes time.

It's tough to watch. I had a similar experience with DS1 years ago at a playgroup - he was only just 2, but a happy little gregarious boy. He ran up to a group of mostly girls, who were older than him, and they told him to go away, they didn't want to play with him, and then ran off. He looked so crestfallen!
Luckily they mostly moved on over the next few weeks (the mums were very stand-offish too) and the new people who came in were much more friendly, and I'm still friends with many of them 10 years later!

But I'll never forget that virtual stab to the heart of watching him be rejected like that, even though I know it's all part and parcel of learning to be around other people and that not everyone will like everyone else.

You and your kids sound lovely OP.

School brings together lots of different people. Some parents will be socially awkward, as will their kids.

When mine started school I told them they would soon have 29 friends, making friends easily is such a good life skill.
Some mums seemed to cling to the one person they knew, which is fine, but then would only want their child to play with their friends child, would refer to them as ‘best friends’ and generally want to control their child’s friendships. I feel sorry for those kids, being pushed into a ‘best friendship’ with mums friends kid instead of being supported to make lots of pals. But people are weird.

Your kids will make friends, don’t worry. It’s not you it’s them, and your kids sound amazing

It's hard watching them navigate. I remember my daughter shouting Abigail! Only for Abigail to turn around and snap what at her. Then she said are you my best friend and she yelled no and turned back away. My daughter just not bit her apple and walked off. She was only 4. But I felt abit sad for her. Truth is kids are rude lol. They can often be selfish in their younger years too.

Be careful about getting too involved, it's also easy to get the wrong end of the stick. Some little girl told me my kid had pushed someone in the playground, which I thought was unlikely, but I asked my kid anyway, who burst into tears and said "now you believe them and not me I didn't do anything", it turns out they had made their younger sister make it up just so they could laugh at my kid getting upset...

When we walked back past DC1’s class on the way out, he saw his teacher still outside. He ran up and gave her a hug, she looked a bit taken aback but dealt with it with good grace, DC2 then ran over to say hello and teacher remarked ‘oh, who are you?’ (Fair enough, they have lots of new faces to learn)

Why would DC1's teacher be expected to know DC2 at all?

I remember DS was like this when he first started reception - he seemed largely unfazed but it was most of the first term before he’d really established a proper friendship with anyone (after having good friendships at preschool who went to different school). He is also a hugger and much as I’ve told him to ask first etc he still hugs people and sometimes gets a confused response from other children.

It will take your children time to settle in but do tell your son not to hug, it is intrusive. Mine went through a phase of being enthusiastically affectionate when little and we had to talk seriously to him about boundaries; it stopped, he was only a small child but he took it on board. Hee hee, he would be embarrassed to remember that now.

Your children sound lovely, it sounds as though other kids know each other already but don't worry, yours will soon be absorbed, it's very early days.

I completely blame the enforcement of social distancing and the inevitable translation of this by our kids.

Regards the hugging, yep it probably is a bit full on to those kids who may be “less huggy” and as a PP says maybe he needs to find ways to vary his expressions of joy!

Personally I’m all for hugging but I get that nobody wants their kid to rub other kids the wrong way.... give it time and it’ll be ok. Really. They’ll get it.

There is so much talk of children hugging at the moment. I have brought up 4 and I don't think I've ever seen them hug another child or be hugged. Is it a new thing? Maybe other children don't like all the hugging.