AIBU to be a bit annoyed with grandparents?

[Teeterhop]

My DH thinks I'm being a bit unreasonable so I can't really complain at him anymore. So I'll complain at you lot instead, and even if you all think I'm unreasonable as well, at least I'll have got it off my chest.

It's all fairly minor stuff but I'm just a little bit annoyed and can't tell if it's justified!

Before lockdown my toddler was in nursery for a couple of days a week and looked after by my parents for 1 day a week while I was working. However since lockdown we were working from home and she was home with us. My DH has gone back to work most days so most of the last 6 months has been me and my DD at home which has been lovely, like getting another maternity leave.

But now that things are slowly getting back to normal, I have been asked to do the odd day in the office and yesterday was my first day back. My DH happened to be working from home anyway so was fine to have DD, but my parents offered to pick her up and take her out for the day just to make it easier for him to get some work done.

Now, this is where I think I might be being a bit precious (I'll admit there is a touch of PFB with me and my DD!). Her normal routine is to have lunch fairly early (before 12pm) before going straight for a nap where she'll have about 2 hours sleep. My parents took her out to the park near where they live, and this kid will happily stay on the swing until the cows come home, she literally needs dragging away. But obviously grandparents don't like saying no to her, so when they're still sending me pictures of her in the playground at 1:30pm I start gently suggesting she needs feeding (she'd had breakfast at 7:30am). So they finally took her to have lunch about 2pm, meaning she didn't get to nap until very late and therefore only got about half an hour to sleep before needing to be woken up to come home (it's a decent drive between our houses).

So, all of that has me a bit annoyed just because I don't want my PFB to be hungry and tired, but at the same time I realise grandparents are more likely to prioritise having fun over sticking to routine.

But what I'm mostly upset about is that when I got handed her back after work she had quite clearly not had her nappy changed at all for the whole day. She was completely sodden and absolutely stank. Also, she has a pretty nasty bruise. Now I'm not daft - I'm well aware that toddlers are walking disaster zones and they're going to get hurt no matter what. But this definitely didn't happen without some tears or drama or knowing what happened, but there was no mention of any of that (like I am confident had she been at nursery for the day they'd have had a chat with me about what happened). To clarify before anyone asks - I am in no way insinuating she was hurt deliberately and that's definitely not what would have happened.

So DH thinks IABU because basically, DD had a great day (which is true - despite looking like a puffy eyed zombie reeking of wee, she was in a lovely mood when I picked her up). She adores my parents and they adore her. They didn't deliberately do anything wrong, they just wanted to spend all their time having fun.

My opinion is that while obviously I want them to have fun when they're out together, I think if they're looking after her for the day they need to prioritise things she NEEDS (food, sleep and nappy changes) over things she wants (staying on the swings until she passes out).

Basically I want to have a chat with them about those things before they take her for the day again. DH thinks I should just leave it, because they all had fun and at the moment they aren't looking after her that often. But then, if the world goes back to normal fully, they probably would be helping regularly again.

Who is right? I admit some of my annoyance might be stemming from the fact that it was my first day leaving her in 6 months; obviously I missed her a lot! And I didn't like worrying that she was hungry or tired or unchanged while I couldn't help. I suspect the answer is somewhere in the middle (i.e. can't expect grandparents to stick to a nap routine but they should definitely be changing nappies).

Tell me if I'm being too precious, I can handle it (I think)!

Sorry it was long, apparently I am not concise.

Bring up the nappy issue. That just can't happen, it's not fair on the child.

The food and sleep I'd leave. Kids are very adaptable. They have different sleep and food routines at home and nursery without any problems, it's the same witih other childcare.

I'm a softy so I'd probably do it passively. Next time they have her, pack her bag with plenty of nappies and snacks. And then handing over mention "I've packed plenty of nappies and snacks to have at X:xx time" I'd count nappies and see how many changes there were. I know my DC could have gone from dry nappy to wet through in a short time as they were holding and doing a large wee. If none gone say "oh do you have your own supply of nappies as none have gone from her bag, can I check they're not the ones that cause nappy rash"

Is there any chance they had given her lots of snacks and she might not have been hungry? My dp always have plenty of snacks to feed my DC when they visit.

To be honest, you have no way of knowing whether the nappy was not changed at all or changed a few hours before pick up, so don't say "all day" - sure way of annoying them if they had changed it even once! Just say something lightly on the lines of "she guzzles down liquids like there's no tomorrow, so you'll find her nappy needs changing every 2 hours" (or whatever time you prefer).
Give them lots of snacks in case they go out, and can't be home in time for mealtime.

In my opinion you are being too precious about routine. Let her have fu with her grandparents, if she was really hungry she would have made it known. The nappy, well perhaps it did get forgotten or perhaps she had gone a lot in the car, let it rest, lack of sleep one day doesn't do them any harm

Another here who would mention the nappy. I think that’s unacceptable.
But the food thing wouldn’t worry me, as I know dd isn’t going to starve from one late meal. The nap thing would only annoy me if dd came home and was grumpy from lack of sleep
My dm has had my dd from 3 months though and I basically just let her get on with it, she tries to give me a run down but I say asking as she’s happy then. I’m happy.

I’d be more annoyed that you’ve been working at home all this time but they will take her off your husband’s hands for his Important Man Work tbh.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Small children need their routine nap and meal times, it’s important. They also need nappy changes and not to be left soaking in the same nappy all day and it’s just polite to mention if she had had a bump!
It’s good to get it off your chest so that you don’t lose your cool with them because as you say they all had a lovely day. However, next time be clear about your expectations and that routine is a really important part of how you are raising your daughter as it instils security. All said firmly but with a genuine smile... you are her mum and they have to respect your views. Good luck!

@Rainallnight

I struggle to take the ‘my parents haven’t done everything perfectly’ posts seriously. Both my parents have died within the past two years. My two year old will have no recollection of them and my four year old is gutted and we are having way more conversations than we should about dead people. You kid had a lovely day with her grandparents. Maybe mention the nappy thing.

That's very sad, but not the point.

I have looked after numerous DGC. I, to the best of my abilities, follow the parents' wishes.

If I can't, (schedule-wise) I'll discuss it with them.

Personally my view is that if I were the grandparent it would be great to have a written list of an average day, ie Daisy wakes and has breakfast at 6:15, so lunch is at 11:45 then ( nappy change ) and nap from 12:30 - 2:30 and then tea at 4:30 - bath ( nappy change ) then bed at 6:30pm.

I think that's fine and clear and doesn't need explaining .
I think they love spending time together and feel great they are helping you out. But it's a fine line to cross if you start 'telling them off' they may just tell you to jog on with their free childcare service.

None of that would bother me really. She would have let them know if she was hungry (I expect biscuits/snacks would have been involved in the day!) and if it’s fair distance to yours from theirs and she had been woken up she may have dozed back off in the car.

Regarding nappy not ideal but even as the parent now with a second DC the other day I only noticed that it was 3pm and I hadn’t changed DC2s nappy since wake up! No poos or leaks but it had put the absorbency limit to its test! These things happen when you’re busy having fun it’s not the end of the world. They will get back into the pattern again.

I agree with others, the only thing I’d be bothered with is the nappy. I’ve never known a toddler not make his or herself known when they’re hungry or tired, so whether it was out of schedule or not she wasn’t going to starve to death.

I also think you need to unclench as this was day 1, things will settle down.

Gosh this thread reminds me of why I do not ( and do not intend to) offer provide childcare for DGCs.

The nappy is horrendous.

Do they normally change it?
A woman I met said she can't change ''Other people's babies nappies'' as it makes her physically sick {!} ...If it is down to squeamishness, then that isn't good.
Why didn't they do it?
Some DC have very sensitive skin re nappy rash ..if their wet nappy isn't changed almost immediately.

I would be annoyed about the nappy and I would remind them next time that they need go change it.

Everything else is a total none issue and you need to let it go.

I think a toddler no matter how much fun they are having would make it clear if A hungry or B uncomfortable in wet nappy. Let her have fun and a relationship with gp. Perhaps if they have her more will learn what she needs/wants better. My dc spent so much time with gp at this age and now older still have an amazing bond with their gp.

Nappy is the biggest issue clearly. They need to make sure this is changed. They’ve probably forgotten about the need to check nappies regularly, as it goes out of your head when you don’t have small kids. And maybe in their day the drive was to get kids out of nappies much earlier.

I think you could gently raise the other things too - something like “it’s great Dd had such a fun time with you. I generally find it works well if she has lunch at x time, and a nap at y time- also don’t be afraid to say no to her if you need to!”.

But generally I think a relaxed approach to grandparent days is a good idea! Especially while it’s not regular.

Is it possible the nappy thing is because they feel she should be toilet trained by now? Its the kind of thing my mum would do - making the child uncomfortable so they used a potty sooner (and why she's not left with my children - all her kids were potty trained by 18 months naturally ). Its not fair on the child anyway so needs mentioning.

A woman I met said she can't change ''Other people's babies nappies'' as it makes her physically sick {!}

^^
Presumably she gets around this by never taking care of other people’s babies?