AIBU to be a bit annoyed with grandparents?

[Teeterhop]

My DH thinks I'm being a bit unreasonable so I can't really complain at him anymore. So I'll complain at you lot instead, and even if you all think I'm unreasonable as well, at least I'll have got it off my chest.

It's all fairly minor stuff but I'm just a little bit annoyed and can't tell if it's justified!

Before lockdown my toddler was in nursery for a couple of days a week and looked after by my parents for 1 day a week while I was working. However since lockdown we were working from home and she was home with us. My DH has gone back to work most days so most of the last 6 months has been me and my DD at home which has been lovely, like getting another maternity leave.

But now that things are slowly getting back to normal, I have been asked to do the odd day in the office and yesterday was my first day back. My DH happened to be working from home anyway so was fine to have DD, but my parents offered to pick her up and take her out for the day just to make it easier for him to get some work done.

Now, this is where I think I might be being a bit precious (I'll admit there is a touch of PFB with me and my DD!). Her normal routine is to have lunch fairly early (before 12pm) before going straight for a nap where she'll have about 2 hours sleep. My parents took her out to the park near where they live, and this kid will happily stay on the swing until the cows come home, she literally needs dragging away. But obviously grandparents don't like saying no to her, so when they're still sending me pictures of her in the playground at 1:30pm I start gently suggesting she needs feeding (she'd had breakfast at 7:30am). So they finally took her to have lunch about 2pm, meaning she didn't get to nap until very late and therefore only got about half an hour to sleep before needing to be woken up to come home (it's a decent drive between our houses).

So, all of that has me a bit annoyed just because I don't want my PFB to be hungry and tired, but at the same time I realise grandparents are more likely to prioritise having fun over sticking to routine.

But what I'm mostly upset about is that when I got handed her back after work she had quite clearly not had her nappy changed at all for the whole day. She was completely sodden and absolutely stank. Also, she has a pretty nasty bruise. Now I'm not daft - I'm well aware that toddlers are walking disaster zones and they're going to get hurt no matter what. But this definitely didn't happen without some tears or drama or knowing what happened, but there was no mention of any of that (like I am confident had she been at nursery for the day they'd have had a chat with me about what happened). To clarify before anyone asks - I am in no way insinuating she was hurt deliberately and that's definitely not what would have happened.

So DH thinks IABU because basically, DD had a great day (which is true - despite looking like a puffy eyed zombie reeking of wee, she was in a lovely mood when I picked her up). She adores my parents and they adore her. They didn't deliberately do anything wrong, they just wanted to spend all their time having fun.

My opinion is that while obviously I want them to have fun when they're out together, I think if they're looking after her for the day they need to prioritise things she NEEDS (food, sleep and nappy changes) over things she wants (staying on the swings until she passes out).

Basically I want to have a chat with them about those things before they take her for the day again. DH thinks I should just leave it, because they all had fun and at the moment they aren't looking after her that often. But then, if the world goes back to normal fully, they probably would be helping regularly again.

Who is right? I admit some of my annoyance might be stemming from the fact that it was my first day leaving her in 6 months; obviously I missed her a lot! And I didn't like worrying that she was hungry or tired or unchanged while I couldn't help. I suspect the answer is somewhere in the middle (i.e. can't expect grandparents to stick to a nap routine but they should definitely be changing nappies).

Tell me if I'm being too precious, I can handle it (I think)!

Sorry it was long, apparently I am not concise.

The only thing that would bother me is the nappy, particularly if it's become sore. I'd expect a toddler to make it clear if they were hungry - so obviously DD hadn't been that bad). Sleep patterns - you have to let them do their own thing really. Nurseries wouldn't stick to your sleep pattern either.

However, the most unreasonable thing in your post is that you are wfh without proper childcare. Unless this is very part time during naps, you need to organise something more formal - it was acceptable during lockdown only because people had no alternatives.

The nappy would bother me, the rest wouldn't. I don't think she'd have been happily playing and enjoying herself if she really hadn't had anything to eat for that long.

It seems really odd for loving grandparents to leave her in a dirty nappy for hours. Maybe there was a mixup about who was doing it?

I think the nappy thing needs something saying about but i wouldn’t say anything about the food or nap thing unless it becomes a regular thing.

Maybe mention to them (after thanking them both!)that while you appreciate their help .PFB (Perfect First Baby Im guessing) was rather wet and smelly and needed a nappy change ,say you are sure they "forgot this time ! But babes need several changes each day TBH." Mealtime and nap not really important ,but would ask generally .saw Baby had a bruise how did that happen? Just for peace of mind really .Often DGP are out of step with young children and forget all the graft that goes into looking after little ones !

The nappy is a problem. I'd let them take her for a couple of hours next time, when it fits in with her routine. If they want her for the whole day again, I think they do need to stick to the routine tbh. Half an hour here or there, fine. But a couple of hours late for food is not on IMO. And a regular sleep time is so important if your child has any sleep problems.

Agree with PP's. As a one off, I'd mention the nappy and gently 'oh, she usually eats much earlier than that, bet she must've eaten loads!' sort of thing, but if it is to become a regular thing, I'd want the food & sleep issues to be taken seriously.

My in-laws only had my daughter a few times before lockdown, she was tiny, and if they returned her with a wet nappy I'd mention it, but not much more. They have her 3 mornings a week now I'm back at work and for the first few weeks as everyone adjusted, I was pretty relaxed, but now I remind them that she will want lunch, and if she refuses one item of food, give her something else from her lunchbox, don't just give up. She's almost 10 months and in the 'launching everything on the floor' stage so I give her a few bits of food at a time at the moment, but if she throws one bit down, they'll assume she's not hungry even though she is, she's just being a pain!

I would let the nap slide if they only have her occasionally.

I would casually mention that you had just changed her and that she will need changing in a couple of hours if she hasn't done a poop in the meantime and I would also pack a decent snack and then call about 20 minutes before snack time to say that you forgot to tell them that you had packed the snack but that it was there and could they please give it to her.

7:30am breakfast and a 2pm lunch is a very long time between food breaks for a baby.

I think you need to poiletly mention the nappy. The rest i would leave

She is not yet 2, for those that asked. I think that while she probably was hungry, if she's having enough fun she wouldn't let them know. They were never going to let her starve, I think time got away from them because they were having fun. I think that's the same reasoning for why they didn't stop for nappy changes.

For those worrying about my employer - I'm very fortunately with my work! As long as I do all my hours (I am only part time) throughout the week and deliver my work, I have the flexibility to do it anytime (including evenings/weekends) so it's not been too difficult to fit in my part time hours. However for what it's worth, now that schools are open and there's a bit less concern about the infection risk, she is actually booked in to start back at nursery purely because I don't like working such crazy hours and I want her to get back to playing with her friends. It's one of the reasons why I'm a little bit more critical of the grandparents' childcare, because I know they'll want to start taking her more often now things are getting back to normal.

So your DD goes out with your parents, she returns exhausted, with a full nappy and a bruise they failed to mention. If you had arrived at the nursery and collected your DC in that state you would be speaking to the manager. Just because it is your parents doesnt mean that is correct. Turning up to a nursery with an unexplained large bruise would lead to he nursery reporting this. Stop being so passive because its your parents. What if part of getting the bruise she whacked the back of her head, you wouldnt know anything about it and she would require watching incase of concusssion.

lead to he nursery reporting this.

Ummm I think you’ll find they they would probably record it and not report.

I was more just surprised they hadn't been aware because she loves the toddler drama when she gets hurt.

I think you will find they were aware. I'm sure there were probably cuddles and a cheer up at the time and an assessment that it was just a regular childhood bruise. They probably didn't think to mention it as it is such a normal part of that age, just as 'x saw a pigeon, got awfully excited and we tried to explain in an appropriate child friendly way that it's not a great thing to do', giving a blow by blow run-down of every event seems a bit over the top and what you describe seems run of the mill.

As for a comment above, I'm sure if it had of been a head injury as opposed to a bruise most likely on a limb, they would have thought to mention it!

Honestly, I would just give a gentle reminder about the nappy and let everything else slide. They probably gave her a few treats here and there and even if not the lunch thing was not a big deal, would seem she was not screaming the park down in hunger and arrived back to you alive. Positive relationships with grandparents are far more important than these things.

I was going to say YABU until I read about the nappy. That's not on.

I think that's terrible and I would not be using them for regular childcare. Nappy changes, feeding and advising of any injuries are the most basic parts of care and if they need coaching on those, you will only worry in the future. It is easy to make toddlers happy, in my experience. You also want them safe and well.

I agree too, a gentle chat is in order. Nappy change and lunch are both important and basic elements of care.

If she comes back bruised, with a full nappy again I would probably stop the outings without any fuss whatsoever. It would worry me what else they are overlooking, and I am not sure they are fit to care for such a young child, no malice but just incompetent and out of practice.

I think it depends how often they are likely to be taking her out for the day.

Once a week - definitely have a word.
Once every couple of months - not worth it.

Speaking from a grandma perspective I think most GP do their best and looking after small children is really tiring. I can see how once a child is a toddler the nappy change could be genuinely forgotten about. Just remind your lovely parents next time rather than actually mentioning it now. The day sounds lovely and it’s great that they all had so much fun Remember your parents are probably 30 years older than when they last had babies/ toddlers to deal with. The age difference really does make a huge difference.

I feel quite reasonable saying to have a gentle word, but to be clear if this was my child I would be furious actually. Any one that looks after a child should know to change a nappy throughout the day, that a toddler needs lunch before 2pm. I would also be very upset about the bruise, and no mention of how it happened.

I wouldn't be okay with any of this, no I would not make a scene or any kind of fuss, but I would be thinking twice about letting dd out with them again regardless of how well the chat goes. They don't seem capable of looking after her properly, and I would be worried the whole time whilst she was out.

OverTheRainbow88 that isnt true....it is clear in nursery policy to report unexplained injuries...they will note all bruises and record how and where they happened. When its unexplained they have a duty to report...

It’s not unexplained... it happened at the playground with grandparents. Parent could ask grandparent how and tell nursery.

The dirty nappy and bruise would bother me and I would definitely remind GPs about nappy changing. The late lunch/nap would have irritated me when DD was a toddler, but I think I would have realised I was being a bit precious and not mentioned it!

The soggy nappy should have been addressed when you picked dd up tbh. Wouldn’t it have been a normal response to say something like “Oh! She’s soaking. I’ll change her before we leave. She can’t travel all the way home in a soggy nappy. When was she last changed?”

My DGS is two years old. Whenever I take him out I take a sandwich and some snacks because, just like your dd, once he’s in the park he won’t leave to go home for lunch. He’d prefer finger foods to walk around with than a table meal. Maybe your mum took some picnic food with her?

Having another bruise isn’t unusual for two year olds but it’s a bit strange it wasn’t mentioned just in conversation. Having said that there have been times when dd has rushed in, picked up DGS and I haven’t had chance to tell her about our day (or his new bruise/scraped knee). I message or call her to let her know later.

If your DD’s nappy hasn’t been soaked through when you’ve collected her from your parents before I’d just let it go and maybe remind them when you next drop her off that she needs to be changed after lunch.

As for missing a nap my DGS naps sometimes but not always. If he doesn’t want to lie down I can’t force him. He definitely would prefer to stay at the park than go home for lunch and a nap 😊

I have the out of whack routine with my toddler too, my mum helps out with childcare one day per week, and I know that she doesn't eat lunch when I would feed her lunch or have a nap when I would give her a nap, but she has an absolute ball!! my mum doesn't have all the day to day stresses of being a working parent so she's so carefree and fully focused on my daughter for that one full day, and they do all kinds of fun stuff! It used to panic me (my PFB too) but I came to realise that, waiting a little bit for her lunch or being a tad tired when she came home wasn't really a huge deal compared to what she was getting out of it! I wouldn't even give this a second thought never mind mention it to your parents, but i;m with you - its really hard to know when you're being precious or not, I've had to reality check myself a few times haha!!

The nappy thing I would definitely mention though, no need to make a huge deal out of it, just something along the lines of 'I noticed DD's nappy was full, didn't look like it had been changed, is there anyway you can make sure you;re changing regularly so we don't end up with nappy rash please? she seemed to have a lovely day with you both though'

As you've agreed, the nappy is an issue.

On the food thing - she would have let them know if she was starving. She's not going to die of starvation of malnutrition by not eating until a bit later and, importantly, the regular food etc is more about keeping them from getting Hangry, ensuring they sleep okay etc (eg at that age, if DS didn't get a substantial dinner, night time sleep was even worse than normal). As she wasn't sleeping and she wasn't hangry, it really doesn't seem like a big deal. I MIGHT be concerned about not having a drop of water over a really long period but again, if it's not a super hot day and assuming she was then able to guzzle down a drink when she got home, fine.

having said all that, the sleep one MIGHT need to be addressed if this is a regular thing. In this instance, she came back super happy and perky and you don't say if she was a nightmare to get to bed that night. With mine, if they'd had their sleep routine so badly out of whack, bed time would have been a disaster so if someone was looking after them regularly I'd have needed to make the sleep guidelines pretty much set in stone as otherwise the benefit of being helped out would have been negated by the 3 hour bedtime/constant night wakings. But obviously, that's something only you can assess.