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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel miffed at partner’s nights away

59 replies

Auberginehater · 09/09/2020 19:30

Bit of background, 3 DCs- Two girls from my previous marriage, one 8 month old baby. Partner’s mother lives nearby, increasingly he will decide to stay over at her house one night a week. Leaves in the evening, not back until the following afternoon. This really annoys me. I feel as if I’m left, literally “holding the baby”. None of my friends live nearby, and with Covid at the moment, not easy to organise an evening meet up either.
Am I being silly?!
I’m entirely ready to be told that I am! I don’t want to be controlling, or stop him going out, but I feel like once a week overnight is a bit much! He is/was an only child, and says that he just needs some down time, which I understand, but it’s really eating into what I see as “our” weekend time together. Please let me know your thoughts.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2020 20:21

I don't think it is necessarily strange that he wants to do this. It sounds to me like he struggles with the lack of headspace that comes with being in a house with three kids, two of which aren't his, and feels he needs time to himself to recharge. I think that's understandable, but it became unrealistic and unfair when you had a child together. That is basically signing up to be there a vast majority of the time.

I think it redeems him somewhat that he says he would be happy for you to do the same, but would he really? I can't imagine he would genuinely be happy for you to leave him with the kids once a week. I would press him further and ask him to actually imagine that scenario and rethink whether he would really be fine with it. He needs to realise that this is simply too frequent to be reasonable, but might be alright every once in a while.

Notapheasantplucker · 09/09/2020 20:21

Ah I see. It seems a bit weird...? I don't know I just don't get it.
I've never known for a man with a family at home to want to stay over at his mum's every week.. go round for a coffee yeah, but sleepovers?

Notapheasantplucker · 09/09/2020 20:23

I completely get he needs time for himself, but I just think once a week over night is too much.

2020iscancelled · 09/09/2020 20:28

Lmao - it’s his down time? Every week? Leaving you with 3 children, the most demanding being his own (babies are hard work!).

No this is ridiculous, we all need down time but unfortunately this is something which we don’t get routinely when we grow up, because we have families, jobs, responsibilities....

I wouldn’t have an issue with an occasional night “off” as we do all need space although weekly disappearing act to be pampered at his mothers...this would be a huge no from me. Utterly ridiculous

AnyFucker · 09/09/2020 20:31

I wouldn't be having this

An elderly, infirm mother needing physical help is one thing

This thing looks just like a piss take

winterchills · 09/09/2020 20:55

Yeh I would definitely be stopping that!

LouiseTrees · 09/09/2020 20:58

I think his mother should come to yours. They should both look after the baby and you should be allowed time to yourself but I also think it’s wishful thinking to think that would ever happen!

DrManhattan · 09/09/2020 21:02

Has he always done this or just since you had a baby? If he's always done this , you can't really say anything now

Whatsnewpussyhat · 09/09/2020 21:07

I swear I read this exact thread a couple of months ago..

Original poster

Auberginehater · 09/09/2020 21:35

@Whatsnewpussyhat If you did it wasn’t mine! I searched for similar to look for comments before posting but I couldn’t find any. (Although I’m not terribly mumsnet savvy!)

@DrManhattan He’s occasionally stayed over, but not this frequently. I do think that it makes a big difference that there’s now a baby to look after!

@aSofaNearYou I think you’re right with regards to the headspace, but yes, with baby it feels rather unbalanced. I feel like we have a family unit and responsibilities to be ‘present’. Getting away is fine, this just feels too often to me.

Thank you everyone for your views! On the basis of this thread, I don’t feel like I’m being massively unreasonable!

OP posts:

FortniteBoysMum · 09/09/2020 21:58

I would be telling him if he likes his mothers house so much he can go move in. Either your a family or your not.

Waveysnail · 09/09/2020 22:00

I'd send the baby with him to stay over!

wishingwomen · 10/09/2020 02:10

Surely his mum should find this strange? A one off here & there I completely understand like if he went for a night out and would be noisy coming back in... but I know my partners mum would be like it isn't fair be at home with your family bit strange she isn't saying that sounds like she is more than happy with it.
I'm sure your happy with him visiting her often he should be taking the kids giving you some time then coming back home to his
OWN home.
Feel for you because I do think I'd be quite offended my partner taking a day off a week every week x

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2020 02:14

- He does say that I would be welcome to go out whenever I liked, but to be honest I have nowhere that I would like to stay overnight every week!

Float the idea of a lovely hotel once a week/fortnight for you. Or half the times, he takes baby to his mum's. Headspace all around.

Susannahmoody · 10/09/2020 02:21

Next time he goes, he takes the baby with him. To give you a 'break' (and look after 2 kids rather than 3!)

Susannahmoody · 10/09/2020 02:22

Honestly, if he's playing that game I'd be doing as a pp said and getting a hotel to myself every week. What's the difference between that and he's mothers?

yecannyshoveyergranny · 10/09/2020 11:33

I'd be rid of him. Who could be bothered with a man this immature.

edwinbear · 10/09/2020 12:24

He's not staying at his mum's.

Castiel07 · 10/09/2020 12:27

He is selfish and needs to grow up.
My husband used to stay over at his dads if he was on a night out in town as his dad lives 2 mins away.
But that was max twice a year

bonzebuoy · 13/09/2020 07:14

YABU with 3 counts-

Think as a mother not as an incompatible wife or DIL
May be the mother needs company of her child
Don't always be a crying baby as by being one such you are making one of your own and spoiling your own family, did you try to invite the mother to stay with you so that she feels good in the company of the family, her son and grand children?

Sally2791 · 13/09/2020 07:19

Perhaps he could take the baby with him? Seriously, his behaviour is selfish and childish.

Dee1975 · 13/09/2020 08:47

@Sally2791

Perhaps he could take the baby with him? Seriously, his behaviour is selfish and childish.

I was thinking the same. It’s very selfish of him to go off every weekend and leave you. I agree, maybe he should take the baby with him sometimes so YOU get a break?

tiredanddangerous · 13/09/2020 08:53

Next week give him the baby to take with him. I'm sure his mum would like to see more of her grandchild. If you think she'll be on board with it, tell her before you tell him.

Friendsoftheearth · 13/09/2020 08:56

YADNBU

He needs to take the baby to his mother's house every week to give YOU a break or stop going. Simple as that.

Porridgeoat · 13/09/2020 08:59

Get him to take the baby with him so you get a break. Prearrange it with his mum

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