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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The term ''baby brain'' as a poor excuse

78 replies

DilemmaADay · 09/09/2020 16:44

Not sure if this is unreasonable or not, but does anyone find people using "oops, baby brain" as an excuse when pregnant very irritating.

My SIL has been pregnant for the past few months and I brought her a voucher for a lovely meal out for her and DH for her birthday earlier this year (pre covid). I got nothing for my birthday, not even a card. I didnt mention it but when I heard from her she said she had completely forgotten my birthday and blamed it on "baby brain" with a tinkely little laugh. I havent had a belated card or anything, so I took that as she CBA rather than she genuinely forgot.

She recently used the term again when she forgot to get in touch with my DP about something. "Oops, baby brain!".

Funnily enough she never seems to forget anything benefiting her of her DH....Hmm
Does anyone else think the phrase 'baby brain' is a bit of a cop out? I have 1DC who I didnt suffer this with as far as I know

OP posts:
AcrobaticCardigan · 09/09/2020 17:45

Baby brain is absolutely real!!!! I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten back to normal to be honest!

thegreenlight · 09/09/2020 17:46

Maybe she doesn’t particularly like you? Just because you are her husband’s sister it doesn’t mean you have to be friends. Have a word with your brother. He should be the one buying you gifts, it’s not her job.

nosswith · 09/09/2020 17:46

But surely we have to our of equalities consider men can have 'baby brain' too? Though I don't think the number of times he has become a dad can explain Mr Johnson's appalling ability to grasp details.

TheVanguardSix · 09/09/2020 17:46

My baby brain is now menopausal brain and that shit's realer than real. Just wait for it.

GoingBackTo505 · 09/09/2020 17:48

Baby brain is definitely a thing, I'm 27 weeks and have honestly never felt more foggy or stupid! BUT a birthday is a big thing to forget and most people have birthdays that would be important to remember on a calendar/in their phone so there's no excuse really.

Facelikearustytractor · 09/09/2020 17:52

Does it really matter? If you only give presents to get something back, to why bother giving her something in the first place? It doesn't sound like you like her much anyway.

I was exhausted when pregnant as I was getting up hourly at night to pee, had constant hip pain, was working full time and already had a kid to look after and a shit ton of antenatal appointments to go to due to high risk pregnancy. To be honest baby brain has never left me even after birth.

Have you been pregnant or do you have kids OP?

AnEleanor · 09/09/2020 17:55

I’m assuming this is your husband’s brother’s wife from the way you’ve phrased it? Maybe she just... doesn’t care that much? I it’s nkt a very close relationship really. If her husband is your husband’s brother I would expect his to remember his own family birthdays.

KooKooKachu · 09/09/2020 17:56

I became forgetful as anything when pregnant. 7 and a half years on and I've never recovered properly.

BikeTyson · 09/09/2020 17:58

Honestly, my memory has never been the same since pregnancy and having DD. I used to be brilliant at remembering names, particularly at work, but now I frequently find myself sitting at my computer trying to remember the name of a person so I can find their email. And she’s 2 so I don’t even have a sleep deprivation excuse, I’m just not quite as sharp as I used to be and have to really concentrate to make sure it doesn’t affect my work performance.

PurdyFlower · 09/09/2020 18:01

Very real. I remember the postman handing my house keys to me one morning when I’d left them in the door. But in honesty, it was really extreme fatigue. If she forgot something else recently that’s entirely reasonable and likely.

That said, I would just assume that she doesn’t know exactly when your birthday is or doesn’t care. And why isn’t her DH getting any of the slack for not remembering?

entrytohr · 09/09/2020 18:03

I couldn't remember names while pregnant. Unfortunate as I took the registers for our drama classes! That was baby brain, birthdays I had written down because they were important so I didn't want to forget them!

Nottherealslimshady · 09/09/2020 18:14

I don't think its unusual to forget someones birthday when you're going through something mentally and physically challenging. Baby brain is a thing, and she's got a lot on her plate , presumably, getting ready for baby. So I'm not surprised she's forgotten her SILs birthday it's not like one she's known forever. I couldn't tell you any of my SILs or BILs, or even MIL or FILs birthdays.

MaureenMLove · 09/09/2020 18:21

@TheVanguardSix I was about to mention menopause brain! Dear god, it's bad. At work today I struggled to remember the word library. I could tell the person I was talking to it was a place with books in it, but buggered if I could remember what it was actually called!

I also told myself that, 'I must put some cream cheese on my sore finger' tooBlushBlushGrin

MamaLKB · 09/09/2020 18:27

I defo had it AFTER having the baby. Think it comes from extreme tiredness and hormones.

I definitely had it tho, I'm usually pretty switched on and I was a mess. Baby is nearly 11 months and I feel nearly back to normal.

Don't remember having it when I was pregnant! Can't remember!

MamaLKB · 09/09/2020 18:29

@iklboo

Pregnant women SHOULD NOT be allowed to carry on as doctors or surgeons or nurses of lawyers or solicitors...

Why do lawyers & solicitors need their own nurse?

🤣🤣🤣
roarfeckingroarr · 09/09/2020 18:31

It's a real thing, relating to hormonal changes. Don't be such a cow.

Dollywilde · 09/09/2020 18:34

My spatial awareness went to shit when I was pregnant, I actually stopped driving because I was worried about parking, I just couldn’t assess spaces correctly and it scared me. I’m a great driver usually and post birth everything’s back to normal but it was completely bizarre. Baby brain is totally a thing.

That said as everyone else has said, your SIL appears to be using it as an excuse to be thoughtless and uncaring, so YANBU.

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2020 18:35

I also was going to mention that menopause brain was a very real thing, as is baby brain.

However I think she's hinting that she doesn't want to participate in gift giving, which is fair enough. Perhaps preempt Christmas and opt out of exchanging presents.

uglyface · 09/09/2020 18:39

I genuinely struggled to recall names of children in my class when I was heavily pregnant. Could teach just fine, but when selecting a child to answer a question my mind would go blank. I was convinced I had something seriously wrong with me.

Original poster
DilemmaADay · 09/09/2020 18:57

"Oh, it's the incel/MHHW poster come to tell us how things should be.

Totes sweet!"
@CuriousaboutSamphire huh? What do you mean by that?

To the PP who asked the relation, she is my DPs sister

OP posts:
aToadOnTheWhole · 09/09/2020 18:59

I forgot the word windowsill while pregnant; I very vividly remember trying to describe the “shelf below the window” knowing there was an actual word for it

When I was pregnant with DS1, For the life of me, I could not remember the word for rug, just stood there looking at it, eventually decided on "that...floor cardigan needs hoovering".

Original poster
DilemmaADay · 09/09/2020 19:02

@roarfeckingroarr oh dear! The insults are out already. No, I wasnt doubting the genuineness of baby brain. I was saying is it poor to use it as an excuse

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 09/09/2020 19:06

Baby brain exists. That’s been proven

Proven where? Do you have links?

All those saying “it’s real”, is that anecdote or do you know of studies proving it?

aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2020 19:13

What you say about her just focusing on her immediate family suggests to me she just doesn't want the level of closeness with other people (you included) where you would exchange gifts. I'm not that close to my BIL/SIL and have never bought them presents.

This is of course unfair if there is an expectation that you will give them gifts, but is there, or did you just assume you should? She may prefer if you didn't and just feel pressured to get you something in return, hence remembering to mention it but not to prioritise it.

Henrysfakebarns · 09/09/2020 19:16

Maybe she's using it as an excuse but it really did happen to me! I would forget words mid sentence, forget meetings that were not written down, so many things. Maybe it's genuine - although she should perhaps be more apologetic? Incidentally, is it normal to get gifts from SILS? presumably the one you gave was from you + DP, and she would get one for your DP. Maybe fair enough she didn't get you something? Not having a go, genuine question as I don't expect or receive gifts from SILs, nor does DP get one from my sister - but they of course get one from us (jointly).

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