I feel so lost. When is it my time to start living my life?

[Migmagmoo]

I am married and have two young daughters, 6 & 8. I love being a mother and our life overall but my entire life seems to revolve around doing things for my dds and DH. I work part time, to fit around school and my DH's work.

I feel like I have lost myself. All my dreams have been set aside for the last 10 years whilst I have supported DH's career and done everything for the children. Nothing is ever about what I want, it's always for other people.

When is it the right time to start doing the things I want to do without impacting my family's lives?

Well...now. You just have to make time OP. What do you want to do?

What do you want to do? Is there any reason why you can’t work full time and develop your career?

How good are you with enforcing boundaries?

Now. What do you want to do?

It just feels like we're so busy as it is, it would be too selfish to move to a new career and working full time. I feel stuck

Like PP have said you need to decide what you want,what is your passion then find a way to make it happen. You are not the drudge of your DH and kids. You have spent 10 years facilitating your DHs dreams, he needs to put the same effort into facilitating yours. Don’t be afraid to tell people what you want.

There’s nothing selfish about giving your family a fulfilled wife and mum. How inspiring for your kids to see you working hard and scribing you’re dreams? Parenting is about equipping children to live their best life the best way to do this is by living yours. If your DZh doesn’t support you it’s because of his selfishness

I think you have to decide what you want and stop being everyone's fall-back girl. If you want to go back to work full-time, the kids can go to after-school care and your husband will need to be taught that he is also equally responsible for their care.

Mine are teenagers about to finish their milestone exams. I'm desperate to move to the countryside (always wanted to) so I've told everyone that in one year, that is what I'll be doing. They've had at least 16 years each of living where we do (not an area I'm bothered about), now its time for me to follow my own dreams and ambitions. If I don't do it now, it may never happen and I will live with regrets.

Does your husband feel selfish for pursuing his career?

Why is it selfish? Your kids would have to accept going to after-school clubs every day, it's not a punishment and your oh would have to accept doing more drop off/pick ups and chores around the house.

Yep. Me too. I still work full time, but in a job I hate because it has flexibility for school etc. At the moment I just wish I'd never had children, I hate the way my DH talks to them, I hate my own shortcomings as a mother, all the worry, the boring admin. I guess I just live from one little moment of happiness to the next, and try to forget the fact I don't enjoy 90% of it.

1:30.
I make it 1:24 so you have 6 minutes left, then you have to get on with it.

I just feel this wasn't the life I had dreamt of. I don't want to be the house secretary and maid, with my 'little part time job'. Whilst my DH has a full time job, hobbies and is supported in everything he does.

I just feel like things have been this way for so long that it seems so difficult to change it.

First, figure out what you would like to do, that you’re not able to currently.

Then figure out how to make it work. If that involves DH compromising his work so he can do more home stuff, that’s ok, as long as you can still pay the bills. If it involves DC not doing as many activities, or going into after school club, that’s ok too.

You are important. Sure, you can’t completely up end the family and ask them to (eg) move 500 miles but you can ask them to make minor changes and sacrifices so that you get more of what is important to you.

Oh he has hobbies? Fuck that.

Sorry that was a bit angry! What I meant was, DH can certainly give up hobbies if that enables you to have more of a career. Or you both get to have equal hobbies.

Does he tell you you’re lucky and that many women would love to be in your position?

@minipie

Oh he has hobbies? Fuck that.

This. Get your own hobbies.

OK so start small. I know nows nota great time for it but look online for a gym class, or a crafting group or running, or a film that's on at the cinema and make that 'your time' or even just go for a walk. Tell hubby 6-7pm on Wednesday I won't be in so you'll need to be here. Then do it a couple of times a week. Then do something bigger, start an OU degree ready to retrain, do an evening class etc.

When DD is at swim club, I take my ipad with a more grown up movie or show to watch that I can't with her around, crochet and a cup of tea and sit in the car. I'm a single parent so leaving her home alone isn't an option but that's 'my time'. Precovid, I could have sat in the sweltering pool watching her 5 x a week but I do something for me instead. She doesn't mind that I'm not watching her so we both get something.

You don't even have to work out what you truly want to do yet. Just go out for a 30 minute walk each day, to start getting some headspace and you time, so you can breathe, notice your surroundings and start to think about what you want your priorities to be for yourself.

You still haven't said what you want.

Please please please start some self care, start every Day telling yourself you are just as important as everyone else. Get your confidence back. Meditate, do yoga whilst your DH gets the kids tea/baths them/puts them to bed. Read books on philosophy to get you thinking. Take a walk in nature. Your life is just as important as anyone else’s. Your DH is a parent to your kids as much as you are. You have an equAl right to a career and hobbies.

For me it was when my youngest started school. I went on a course, retrained in a new career and got a job straight after. It's been wonderful.

Once they're in school you do have a bit of time to crack on with your goals.

If you meet resistance from your husband, the problem is him.

Be prepared for: "Oh, but who will do the cleaning?" and "Oh no, who will cook dinner while I am Doing The Man Job?" Prepare for him to wail that he "needs to unwind" from his important job and that you, having only a head full of fluffy lady thoughts, do not. Prepare for accusations that you 'are abandoning' the children and 'shirking' your responsibility.

But do it anyway.

You are living your life, did you not realise , that deciding to have children would be a lifestyle in itself, especially when they are young. Why have children,if you just want to have a life of your own.

Lots of people can have a more fruitful and interesting life with a Husband and children if they put their minds to it.

OP I was going to post something similar, except I have a full-time job and I am fucking exhausted and so is my OH who also works full-time. We can't even afford to buy a home, so it just feels like a relentless treadmill for both of us. My one year old is still bfing too, so I still have to give up my boobs as well as my time! I rarely get time for hobbies and OH gets up at 5am to do his. I manage an hour to dye my hair each month and that is the extent of my self care. I'm just feel like a doormat who looks like shit all of the time.

I'm saying this as I don't think a full time job will give you freedom, just stress and another person to answer to, but it might help you gain confidence. It sounds like you need to work out what you want first and you need to try some hobbies. You must have some free time if only working part-time, so you need to try a few things and find yourself again. You need to day a night of the week is yours and then OH can have another night of the week.