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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I feel so lost. When is it my time to start living my life?

42 replies

Migmagmoo · 09/09/2020 13:08

I am married and have two young daughters, 6 & 8. I love being a mother and our life overall but my entire life seems to revolve around doing things for my dds and DH. I work part time, to fit around school and my DH's work.

I feel like I have lost myself. All my dreams have been set aside for the last 10 years whilst I have supported DH's career and done everything for the children. Nothing is ever about what I want, it's always for other people.

When is it the right time to start doing the things I want to do without impacting my family's lives?

OP posts:
NeverEnoughCats · 09/09/2020 14:10

Don't leave it any longer. Do it now.

I gave up my career and everything else, to look after our dd's, and so that my dh could pursue his career dreams, including moving to the other side of the planet. Everyone said it was the right thing to do, I was putting him and the kids first which was how it should be, blah, blah, blah.

Twelve years later, having moved back to the UK, he decided that he didn't want the responsibility of being a married father of two any more, particularly when his wife was no longer the woman he married, having spent years putting herself last. He wanted to do triathlons, and archery, swim in lochs, go out dating other younger women who didn't have the ties of children...I'm sure you get the picture. So the kids and I were left.

He has our dd's the very minimum amount he feels he has to, he hasn't paid any maintenance for them at all in the almost two years we've been separated, and I had to start again right at the bottom of the heap, and retrain for a new job. I actually cried with happiness when I got my first (minimum wage) job after retraining, at the age of 45.

I'm not saying that any of these things are going to happen to you, and that you're going to find yourself in the same situation that I did, but somewhere along the way I lost myself, and it was bloody hard work to find that person again. Things would have been so much easier, and things could have been so different if I'd just had the courage to ask 'but what about me?', and if I'd kept on asking until I was listened to.

Ingridla · 09/09/2020 14:24

@FortunesFave

Bit aggressive. Has it occurred to you the OP may not know what she wants at the moment.

You demanding she tell you immediate isn't helping.

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/09/2020 14:42

Unfortunately, we still live in a world where women make the most sacrifices for having children. I’d encourage every single woman to think twice before having kids.

It’s all warm fuzzy feelings and excitement until reality hits and you’ve given up your career and you’re run ragged because your husband isn’t pulling his weight.

Spinakker · 09/09/2020 14:50

The problem is we as a society don't value homemaking. I'm a homemaker and yes sometimes it's boring and tedious and I lack my own independence, but I get to see my kids grow up, get to know them and provide a comfortable home for everyone. I'm happy and grateful for that. There's nothing wrong with wanting a career but people regretting having children I don't understand.

ErinBrockovich · 09/09/2020 15:07

For me it’ll be when my youngest starts school. That’s 3 years away.
I have a business idea that I want to pursue.
I don’t think it’s selfish to spend less time with your DC but I do think for me, their needs have to come first now.
Somehow I’ve made my peace with that being when the youngest starts school. Then I’ll start to change the balance.

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/09/2020 15:11

@1forAll74 You are living your life, did you not realise that deciding to have children would be a lifestyle in itself, especially when they are young. Why have children,if you just want to have a life of your own

This is a very good point! Could have just as easily skipped the whole thing and be living your best life. Having children isn’t for everyone and that’s OK.

ErinBrockovich · 09/09/2020 15:13

@Tootletum Flowers
Hopefully there will be some advice on this thread that’ll help.

Friendsoftheearth · 09/09/2020 15:21

You are describing a loss of identity. What was you like before you had children? What did you enjoy then?

If you can't think of a single thing you would like to do, why not see a life coach? I feel you need to spend your time rediscovering yourself rather than taking on more work and obligations.

I don't think anyone adequately prepares for the impact and sheer length of time children take up headspace. It can feel daunting when you are not even half way through!

I suggest you start writing down your own dreams, see a coach and start doing one hobby a week, going out with friends, having fun and slowly getting a life together. It sounds like everything has been sacrificed at the alter of motherhood, but you don't have to continue as you are now. Make the changes now.

12309845653ghydrvj · 09/09/2020 15:25

The first step is figuring out what you’re passionate about, and what you want to do: if you don’t already know that, then take on a variety of different projects to find your niche. Get a part time MA, dorm expeirnce and kickstart a career. Never too late!

Get your husband to step up on childcare, get a cleaner and get out! I’m not knocking anyone who wants to do that for their family, but you can pay someone to do it instead... like 1/3rd DH 1:3 you 1/3 cleaner/childcare.

AlexaShutUp · 09/09/2020 15:35

Right, OP, you have daughters. Please think about the life that you're modelling for them. Is this what you want them to expect and aspire to in their own lives? If not, something has to change.

Don't think of it as selfish. Think of it as showing your daughters how to combine being a great mum with having your own life/interests/career/hobbies/friends etc. They will watch and learn.

I wish my mum had been a bit more focused on her own need for fulfillment when we were kids. We'd all have been happier back then, and even now. She regrets the life that she didn't live. Please don't put yourself in that position. Nobody will thank you for it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2020 15:38

Hobbies?

Tell us about an average week. Who is doing what when?

whatsthatnow74 · 09/09/2020 15:39

I feel the same OP. My DDs are nearly 15 and 10, so the age gap has meant that I’m still hanging on waiting for the younger one to go to secondary school next September. Ive worked in a job which is at a lower level than I’m qualified for and I did this for the last twelve years until February this year. It fitted in with my kids basically and was teen time only and within school hours. I recently completed a master’s degree and hope to do something with it, but think realistically I need to wait another year to make this a possibility 😕

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 09/09/2020 15:41

You are not happy. You have spent 10 years putting your DH's fulfilment ahead of your own. I would sit down with him, tell him you've had enough and it's your turn. Explain what you want and discuss together how you can get to a fairer division of work/ home/ life goals.

Also, how he responds to this will tell you a lot about him.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 09/09/2020 15:51

I am totally with you, OP. In the same boat myself. Recommend a book called Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans....

MarshaBradyo · 09/09/2020 15:52

Now is the time

What would you aim for?

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 09/09/2020 15:54

1forAll74 -she is not living her life because everything is being put into supporting her husband and kids. May be when she (and her DH) decided to have kids she didn’t think it was 1958 where having kids would be her lifestyle alone and not the husbands who apparently despite being a fully grown adult needs support to live his life with his career and hobbies. Maybe she thought we had moved past the time when the little woman cleaned the cave whilst the big man went hunting and gathering. Having kids is a family choice about lifestyle, a woman’s identity goes beyond mum and wife. Why isn’t the Dad responsible for the lifestyle choice, why isn’t he going part time and giving up his hobbies so his wife can benefit from the things he apparently is, why aren’t you questions HIS choice to have kids.

LondonJax · 09/09/2020 15:58

I think, like a few others have said, that you need to define what 'your life' actually means. Or more to the point, what's missing?

Seven years ago I was a SAHM. I was thinking of trying to get part time work then my mum was diagnosed with dementia on top of quite a few other health issues. I realised I wasn't going to find a job that worked around DS school day and my mum's appointments (one year she had over 20 individual appointments - no employer was going to give me that sort of time off).

I got very depressed, like you it felt like I was just treading water. I went on like that for a few years - getting very resentful of mum to be honest. DH was very supportive but there was not a lot he could do as he was working full time, other than take over chores to help me when I had an appointment heavy week or if mum was calling to say she was muddled about something. Also, thankfully, he was taking over the care of DS at the weekends just so I could get the down time I needed to save my head exploding!

I started doing some craft things to keep sane and, after a few years of doing pieces for friends, one of them said I should try selling them.

I realised I actually didn't have anything to lose. I wasn't earning anything, so any money coming in was a bonus. I didn't have to weigh a job with the business and I thought I could probably do my work around DS and mum's numerous appointments. And I enjoyed making my items. So I started my own business when my DS was roughly your children's age. Five years later I earn as much from my on-line business as I do from my part time job. When mum went into a home two years ago, I realised I wanted a bit of company as well as a more regular wage, so I got a small job in a local school.

It's not a huge business, DH isn't going to be a man of leisure any time soon but it's my business and I am very proud of it. It has kept me sane because I had a focus when mum's dementia got worse. I did a few day courses to learn more about my craft - DH, again, stepping into the breach to help with both DS and my mum so I could have the day or two for the course.

The thing is that I knew, when I was on maternity leave all those years ago, that I didn't want a full time job again. I didn't want to do the job I had been doing up until then - I'd had a good career but I was bored rigid with my line of work. I knew what I didn't want. I just didn't know what I wanted to do. Fate sort of chucked my business at me.

In some respects you have an ideal situation. I know, that sounds a horrible thing to say given what you've said you feel like. But bear with me. You sound like I was, feeling like I was shouting from behind a muffling piece of glass. But the one thing you have is the knowledge of what you don't want - you don't want things to stay the same - and you have time to work at changing it.

So what would your ideal life look like? Assume you could get child care, move or whatever - all those things are just stuff to be overcome, they shouldn't hold your dreams back. Think about solutions when you know what your barriers are, don't put the barriers down yourself.

What would you see yourself doing? Do you want a career change - so could you retrain either with short courses, evening classes, on line or through OU etc whilst you have young children? Do you want to go back to full time work - could you fund after school care for your DC from increased salary and how would school holidays work? Is your type of work something you can do as a business so you have more control over your hours (in theory!) Do you just want time to get to the gym or take up painting or learn car mechanics - in which case DH is going to have to step up to give you some space a few hours a week. Don't dismiss voluntary work either - I did a voluntary job a couple of hours a week which led to the part time job I do now and it gave me purpose.

Spend a bit of time writing down what you want and don't want (that's just as important). Then work out how you can get it, how to overcome the barriers, what do others in your family have to do to help or what you can compromise on for the next year or two until your DC are a bit older and more independent. Just because they're young doesn't mean you can't make a start and build on your foundations later.

And, last bit of advice. Stamp your feet every now and then. If you decide that evening classes are your salvation or Wednesday evening at the gym is your thing, then that is set in stone. If DH can't get home in time then money's there for a baby sitter. It does not get moved - your time is as precious as everyone else's.

DH's dream is that I fulfil my dream of a successful business (he's still hoping for that man of leisure title ha ha!) But that's how it should be - the greatest reward for all the family should be the smile on each others face.

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