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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister making a difference with my kids

77 replies

HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 11:24

My sister has never really taken an interest My kids and always spent time and money on her partners nephew and nieces despite mine being her family I always found this upsetting and for my
Kids too .

Now my other sister has had a baby and she is spending time money and investing a lot more than she ever did with my kids. I feel like it is she is making this position so obvious to the rest of the family by showering new baby with gifts when mine barely got a thing or even a visit.

When my first baby was born she was my closest family member geographically and never bothered to visit insisting she couldn’t afford bus fair.

I suppose it really hurts me for my
Kids and I have no one to talk to about it without sounding jealous or bitter, I just wonder if anyone has experienced anything similar how did you react or deal with it? X

OP posts:
Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:45

@newsheadlines I am
So sorry to hear about your situation I know exactly how it feels to sadly have to
Accept you cannot
Change others behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:47

@AryaStarkWolf I do wonder if there is something in this that the support I once offered I just couldn’t physically do this anymore I Still tried my best to help but had a little person to think of.

OP posts:
Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:48

@Shantotto yes she was happy for me
To be around for that help but it seemed to me
That I kind of lost my use when my baby was born I couldn’t give her what she needed or wanted x

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 09/09/2020 12:49

It’s difficult. I am much closer to my sister and therefore much closer to her kids. I can drop by unannounced and will often just buy presents for the kids without thinking about it. I don’t get on in the same way with my db and sil and while I try to keep things fair by issuing invites - at the end of the day the very fact that I have to make an appointment to see them often weeks in advance makes things more distant.

Oysterbabe · 09/09/2020 12:51

How old are your children? I probably didn't pay much attention to my sister's first child when he was born because I was 17 and it just wasn't really something I gave a lot of thought to. I'd make much more fuss of any babies born now I'm much older with children of my own.

newsheadlines · 09/09/2020 12:51

@HGwarrior - I know it is sad...but in practice what can you do. It's almost impossible to force/convince adults to do what you'd like them too.

My sister sometimes talks the talk i.e. goes on about how she loves to spend time with DC and they are the best etc...but doesn't make much effort to see them. When we there thinking about where to live, she even said not to bother living anywhere near to her as she wont be making much effort. But she lives ten minutes from her sister in law (and their DC) out of choice.

I've just tried to make sure that DC have enough friends and see their DG etc so they do have family/friends around

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2020 12:51

It IS hurtful but as the saying goes, you can't choose your family.
Sometimes family members suck. Some family members are people you would never choose to associate with if you weren't related to them.
I have a brother like that.
And in fact, we are NC because he is VLC with most of us and NC with me specifically. Suits me.

My DC know they have more cousins whom they don't know - have only met them once in their memory - but they are not bothered. My sister and I treat each other's children the same, and their GP treats them the same too. This is good enough.

I think there should be a necessary element of managing their expectations - explain to your DC that your sister was always unfair like that, and they should never expect anything from that particular aunt as she doesn't know how to share properly (or something more age appropriate). And then don't put them in the way of them having it rubbed in their faces that they're not important to her.

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:53

@GrumpyHoonMain my husband and I work
Full time and rely childcare so we often aren’t there to just drop in to see us Maybe that’s a factor For her

OP posts:
JenniferSantoro · 09/09/2020 12:53

I experienced this when my half brother had kids and my dad and step mum (of nearly fifty years) went from having zero interest or effort with my child, to being all over my half brother’s child like a rash. They spend hundreds of pounds on their baby’s bedroom furniture and zero on my child. It wasn’t so much the money that bothered me, but the level of effort was so obviously different. I think it’s hard not to take it personally. Your sister doesn’t sound like a very nice person. Ultimately though, it’s her loss and she’s missing out on what could a lovely relationship with your children. 💐

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:54

Hi @Oysterbabe my kids are 6 and 2, the thing is she made a fuss of her partners nephews and nieces of a similar age though she may have matured now x

OP posts:
Decentsalnotime · 09/09/2020 12:55

Their aunt isn’t overly interested in them? Not a big deal in my eyes, especially as you’re not close to her.

As for for your kids being upset about it - doubt it!

Presumably you don’t see her very often alone as you don’t especially get on. So with other family. Your kids won’t focus on their aunt, trust me!

If she guys stuff for the others, just explain to the kids that your sister is thoughtless. Not the first they’ll meet in life, and not the last. And leave at that

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:56

@JenniferSantoro that sounds so similar to my sister I’m
Sorry tohear this xx

OP posts:
Decentsalnotime · 09/09/2020 12:57

As they’re so young, I’d buy a cheapo you that new to them every now and then when seeing your sister. And if she makes a pint of giving other side of family lots of toys etc you whip out your little toy and pass to the children making the comment that you don’t want them to be left out all the time

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:58

@Decentsalnotime this is a perfect answer and a great way of explaining

OP posts:
diddl · 09/09/2020 13:14

It does read a little as if once you could no longer be there for her she wasn't interested in making any effort.

WhatWouldJKRDo · 09/09/2020 13:17

It sounds like for her, your relationship was "Big Sis is there to help me" and once that changed, she couldn't be bothered.

Your kids won't miss her. My DC have almost no contact with one of their uncles and never remark on it.

Eddielzzard · 09/09/2020 13:29

Of course, HGwarrior. We want to be the bigger person. When it becomes damaging is when it's time to pull back. I have had similar dynamics in my family and also the inlaws. LC and no headspace helps enormously. Make the same amount of effort with her as she does with you. You'll feel better for it.

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/09/2020 13:32

Is it possible her life situation is different now and means she can do things for her other nieces/nephews that she couldn’t do with yours? I’m just thinking back to when my sister had her son, I didn’t have much money, worked long hours and they didn’t live in an easy place to get to (I can’t drive,) so I didn’t spend much time or money with or on my nephew. When my brother’s first was born I worked more flexibly, had a much bigger income and they lived closer, so I could offer childcare, and did spend more time and money on her at that stage compared to when my nephew was born.

shesgonebatshitagain · 09/09/2020 13:43

You know what they say. You can’t chose your family.
It is hard to take.
If I were you I would just try and detach from it. These are her shortcomings not yours. She won’t try to fix them for you.

But yes it will hurt.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 09/09/2020 13:45

Just be open with her.

So for ex at Christmas, when your DC don't get anything from her and her other nieces/nephews do, just ask "just so I know next year, are we doing presents to nieces/nephews or not? Obviously the DC will be upset if their aunty treats them differently, I'm sure it wasn't your intention DSis haha".
Do it in front of everybody else so she can't lie about what you said / how you said it.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 09/09/2020 13:47

Great idea Decentsalnotime
If you wanted to push it you could even make a point to choose a great gift that all children will want to play with / look at, detracting attention from the sister's presents.
But that is just me being mean...

Cacacoisfarraige · 09/09/2020 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2020 13:59

[quote HGwarrior]@AryaStarkWolf I do wonder if there is something in this that the support I once offered I just couldn’t physically do this anymore I Still tried my best to help but had a little person to think of.[/quote]
and rightly so, she sounds very immature and selfish

Northernlass99 · 09/09/2020 14:16

Are you still treating her like a little sister? My little sister felt I was patronising to her, but in my eyes I was still the big sister trying to help and support.

I haven't such a good relationship with my other sister as its just so hard to arrange to see her, they are always doing something and changing their plans, or offer to fit me in for an hour between kids parties and some other kids activity. When I see her it is all so focused on the kids and helicopter parenting we can't chat. Now I just don't bother.

Sorry but I also doubt your kids are that bothered, they rarely notice these things unless it is pointed out.

Northernlass99 · 09/09/2020 14:19

Still tried my best to help but had a little person to think of

This is the problem I had with my little sister feeling patronised. Actually she didn't want my help but wanted me to see she her as an equal. If you still think it is/was your job to help her maybe she feels like this too.