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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister making a difference with my kids

77 replies

HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 11:24

My sister has never really taken an interest My kids and always spent time and money on her partners nephew and nieces despite mine being her family I always found this upsetting and for my
Kids too .

Now my other sister has had a baby and she is spending time money and investing a lot more than she ever did with my kids. I feel like it is she is making this position so obvious to the rest of the family by showering new baby with gifts when mine barely got a thing or even a visit.

When my first baby was born she was my closest family member geographically and never bothered to visit insisting she couldn’t afford bus fair.

I suppose it really hurts me for my
Kids and I have no one to talk to about it without sounding jealous or bitter, I just wonder if anyone has experienced anything similar how did you react or deal with it? X

OP posts:
79andnotout · 09/09/2020 12:08

It likely comes down to your relationship with your sister. I really don't get on with one of my sisters and by proxy have no real interest in my nephew, and actually as he has grown up I really don't like him either.

I get on with my other sister really well and so my relationship with her child is different.

You don't have to like family equally.

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:10

@79andnotout I completely get that you cannot get on with everyone

OP posts:
Aweebawbee · 09/09/2020 12:12

Isn't it normal to have siblings that you are closer to? I have one that I love and one that I can't be bothered with. They are quite close to each other though. I do get the occasional pang when I see their families going on holiday together or whatever, but that's life.

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:15

@Aweebawbee I definitely get those pangs and I wish things we’re different but they aren’t and that’s life. I’d prefer for my kids not to feel
It too x

OP posts:
Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:17

Completely dreading Christmas and all those occasions when it’s publicly obvious to my kids and I have no idea how to react or deal with it - on indeed explain to my eldest . X

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 09/09/2020 12:20

Op your kids won't miss what they have never had, if you want to protect them from your sister game playing and favourites may I suggest you distance your children from her/the dynamic.

If there are other friends and family in your life that love and care for you and your children, spend time with them! Do not waste your life and time with a sister that is indifferent.

A low contact relationship works wonders for this kind of thing. Don't get involved, be busy with your own life and let her do what she wants. It then won't hurt you any longer. You can't change her (awful) behaviour, but you can change your reaction to it.

Make your own support network, show your children how to build relationships that are full of trust, transparency and care, and stop seeing her. That is the very best thing you can do for yourself, and your kids. It is not sad, it is life.

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:23

Thanks @Friendsoftheearth that’s such a helpful comment and I think everything you have said makes sense I need re think my tribe x

OP posts:
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 09/09/2020 12:23

My sisters done this for years, it's sad. And caused me to have quite bad depression as a result when my dc were younger. It was very blatant to the point where friends and family would comment on it

I soon wised up and now just distance myself from both of them....... I say both because she favours one of my sister dc over the other. And that sister has happily allowed it to happen for years.

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:25

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo I could have written that comment myself it’s making feel really low and I do feel other family members just let her go with it and never say anything

OP posts:
Aweebawbee · 09/09/2020 12:28

I'm not sure that the kids will have the same perspective as you. Mine don't expect 'equlity' on the basis that their mothers all have the same parents. They just take each relationship on its own merits. I think it's hurtful if the grandparents have favourites though.

Eddielzzard · 09/09/2020 12:31

Thing is I feel on my part I treat all my siblings the same.

Time to change that I think. She doesn't deserve to be treated the same. I'd be going LC. Why expose your DC to it too? It's sad, but it's not of your doing so better to not give her headspace in your life. She also needs to experience the consequences of her actions.

2bazookas · 09/09/2020 12:31

My sister was exactly the same. Never sent so much as a birthday card to my kids, or presents. I sent her DD xmas and B day carda and presents every year, no thanks. When her DD was about to be 18, DS rang to remind me 18 was the new 21 so I should remember to send an extra generous birthday present. Which I did. When neice was be21, I sent a usual-level present and card and DS rang in a fury to accuse me of being tight/mean; surely everyone knows 21 means a BIG Present I pointed out that she'd had that for her 18th as demanded. Unthanked as always. DS says "Well you could afford BOTH and you are her only aunt. ". I replied " As their only aunt, do you even KNOW when my kids birthdays are? "

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:32

@Eddielzzard completely think it’s time for me to change things up perhaps do that, it goes against my grain trying to be the bigger person

OP posts:
Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:34

@2bazookas that is absolutely terrible so
Glad you stood up her, you we’re the bigger person then

OP posts:
SillyCow6 · 09/09/2020 12:35

I think you could use this as a way of teaching children that it doesnt matter what the relation is, if someone doesnt treat you well then you need to act appropriately and protect yourself from it.

It is a shame and of course it's hurtful but gain strength in the knowledge that you are the nicer and more mature person. Carry on as you are, not being rude, but not trying to get her attention and show your kids how to deal with dignity the many plonkers they will encounter in life

Friendsoftheearth · 09/09/2020 12:36

I hope it was helpful. It can be hurtful, and of course it would be so much easier and nicer if she was kind to your children and showed interest and was part of your lives.
When your children were small maybe she was depressed, had big problems and could not be present for whatever reason and did not bond with them. Some stages of life can be tough, and maybe she was just in the wrong place. Now, maybe she is feeling much happier and able to have an open heart. Maybe there is no reason at all apart from being manipulative.

Either way please don't continue to put up with it whilst feeling so hurt, your children will pick up on the tension, the upset, the unspoken disappointment. Far better to keep them in a place with relaxed love without all the undercurrents. They are learning now how life works, make sure they can show love and interest and how to receive it in return.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2020 12:37

[quote HGwarrior]@Potterpotterpotter prior to my first child being born I would have spent a large chunk of my
Weekend and free time helping her emotionally financially obviously once baby was born my life was different and she took very little interest and never visited.[/quote]
Oh sounds like she begrudges your children taking the attention away from her that she used to get off you? Not nice

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 09/09/2020 12:38

You mentioned that you helped her out financially and that she said she didn't have a bus far to visit. If you were spending so much time financially and emotionally supporting her, was she is a position to return this at the time? Is she at a different stage in terms of earning that means she is now able to visit people and buy gifts?

Is it possible her partner has facilitated the visitation and gifts for their own family?

It sounds as though there are more potential factors at play here, and based on what you've said about the support you were previously giving she sounds as though she was limited and thats affected the relationship going forward.

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:38

@SillyCow6 this is really good advice thank you there is definitely a lesson in this x

OP posts:
Shantotto · 09/09/2020 12:38

To those saying siblings don’t always have to like each other OP’s sister seemed to like her well enough when she was spending her spare time on emotional support and giving her money.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 09/09/2020 12:39

HG, the feeling of my dc not being good enough was horrible.

DS never cared, but dd I can still picture her face falling when she heard of her cousins holidays, sleepovers and treats with her auntie that she never got. In all honesty I think she got a kick out of it. My dd doing the pick me dance and being extra good in the hope she'd be picked was horrible.

Take it from me put a stop to it now, I really regret not distancing myself years ago as dd still seems to carry a sense of not being good enough around friends etc. Stuff like this does affect kids.

Just pick yourself and your kids up and get on with your own thing. You'll be a damn sight happier for it.

CatherinedeBourgh · 09/09/2020 12:40

I’m close to one sister and her dc, and not to the other and hers.

Reason is one of my sisters is lovely, the other a bitch. being in my dn’s life requires me to have contact with that sister, so I’m not.

Original poster
HGwarrior · 09/09/2020 12:41

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle when I say she was limited financially her priorities were probably different all her money went on big nights out at the weekend. She would often leave herself short for food and electric. I would also have drove to collect her from the other side of town x

OP posts:
newsheadlines · 09/09/2020 12:42

as others have said - perhaps this does reflect your wider relationship, but i can understand how you will be hurt. It's a little bit similar to our situation, my sister makes some effort with our DC, but nowhere near as much effort as with her partner's sister's DCs. But the two couples are much closer in age while there is quite a big gap between the two of us.

It does make me sad as I would love her to be more active with my DC as she sees the other kids about once a week but only bothers to see maybe once a month at best.

But she is also not a particularly open person so I do not feel able to breech the subject and have just come to accept it. Sorry

Friendsoftheearth · 09/09/2020 12:44

dd I can still picture her face falling when she heard of her cousins holidays, sleepovers and treats with her auntie that she never got. In all honesty I think she got a kick out of it. My dd doing the pick me dance and being extra good in the hope she'd be picked was horrible

That is truly hideous behaviour, how on earth did she manage to ensure your dc found out?, How did the dc hear about the sleepovers and treats? I would be moving literally heaven and earth to protect my dc from this kind of thing what So desperately unkind.

What point is there in having a family if they can't support, love and have your back? You would better flying solo and having friends that can offer these qualities.