To be at the end of my tether with ex MIL?

[toiletpaper]

So ex MIL has allergies to a million foods and she enjoys telling people about what she can't eat and the effects they have on her if she eats them. I get the sense she's proud of this. She's been convinced over the years that my kids, her grandkids (DS10 and DD7) are allergic to dairy, as is she of course. She went on and on about it when the kids were toddlers when I was still with her son (been apart almost 2 years) but she's not been so bad the last few years (probably because I see her a lot less!) although DS has been telling me for the last couple of months how ex MIL has been moaning to him about how he shouldn't be consuming dairy and he says he's also fed up of hearing it. I took my son to the GP when he was about 2/3 yo and asked about this and was told he didn't fit the symptoms and wouldn't do an allergy test because of this. She didn't accept this.

DS licks his lips terribly and I tell him to stop this and put Vaseline on but he keeps on doing it and they get really sore. I've told her before if I overly lick my lips and not put lip balm on then mine end up the same but of course, this is 'his dairy allergy'.

I was nights last night so my kids stayed at their grandparents who take them to school. I found out not long ago DS has had a day off school today as he had a bad cold yesterday. I've had a mild cold since Friday night so I put it down to him catching this from me. No cough or other covid symptoms before anyone mentions this. So I get the kids and ex MIL say she's giving me a carton of soya milk and dairy free butter because 'this is the reason he's been ill'. I told her I had a cold the other day and that I DO NOT believe he has a milk allergy and she wrote me off and said yes it is and just to give him those things she's giving me. She's an extremely pushy woman with whom you cannot with an argument and she is always right. One of the reasons I left my ex was because he wouldn't stand up to her pushiness. I couldn't be bothered to argue my case any further as I knew she would have an answer to whatever I said so I just accepted the stuff.

I've discussed symptoms of a dairy allergy/intolerance tonight with DS and he doesn't get any of them. He hasn't had a cold since before lockdown so how can a cold the week after they go back to school and a few days after I had one be attributed to a bloody dairy allergy?

I have no choice but for my kids to go to them when I work, I work nights and weekend 12 hour shifts and I have nobody else they can go to so I don't want to hear suggestions to find other childcare. My kids are always with me when I'm not in work as their dad is a waste of space and hasn't had the kids once since I left him. I know I should stand up to her better but I'm not good with asserting myself and when I've tried in the past she never lets up until she's worn you down. Any suggestions on how to proceed from here? Or is it going to be a case of putting my big girl boots on and telling her?

Is the licking of lips a nervous tick or could it be a symptom of something like diabetes?
Can your ExDH contribute something to allow you pay for non-familial childcare while you go to work?

In relation to the dairy intollerance, you will have to say "MiL, I know you mean well and I don't want to fall out with you over this but I've had medical doctors look at DS and they, who have the knowledge of what an intollerance looks like or an allergic reaction to a foodstuff looks like, have told me that DS does NOT have any reactions to dairy. I will not listen to any more of your comments about it. If you keep mentioning it, I will have no option but to stop contact."
I empathise about the MiL though. That's got to be tough.

Irritation around the lips probably is an allergy but much more likely to be toothpaste than dairy. Or maybe the lip balm.

Drag mil along to another GP appointment and let her hear that ds isn't allergic. Let her sit there looking stupid.

How old are your kids OP? Maybe start counting down the years until you won’t need her for chidmacre it may make you feel better.

No advice other than maybe just smile and nod and agree and then do whatever the hell you want. It won’t stop her but it may really bug her that it’s not getting to you.

Childcare*

Sorry but as an aside can I suggest you get a natural lip balm like hurts bees. By licking Vaseline he is eating a whole range of chemicals. It’s called petroleum jelly because I think it’s a by product of something related to petrol? My daughter used to use Vaseline on her lips and it kept drying them out further. She switched to Burts Bee’s and her lips hardly ever need moisturising now.

Look I've wondered this, he has signs of ASD so it could be something to do with this maybe.

Wakemeup I certainly am counting down the days! They're 7 and 10 now. I can't wait for them to be able to look after themselves and won't have to put up with her anymore.

Ittakes2 I didn't know this about vaseline, I'll buy some burts bees, thank you.

Vaseline is terrible for making lips worse. Please try plain Chapstick or Burts Bees, without sunscreens.

Sorry, that doesn't help with your exMIL but if you have to keep using her for childcare and she won't listen to you then I'm not sure what you can do. Make sure your DS doesn't believe her nonsense though.

I agree about taking her to go with you.... prewar DS beforehand but tell her you want her to go as she has experience of milk allergy and it'll help then just let her go and listen to doctor confirm there's no allergy

Don't know about your mil, but my DS had really dry sore lips and it turned out to be caused by dehydration. Since he has made an effort to drink more the problem has gone.

I am lactose intolerant and do not lock my lips.

Or lick them either! 😁

I'm dairy intolerant and that is not a symptom. She's being ridiculous. My eldest licks her lips as a nervous habit and they get sore.

@ittakes2 Vaseline is made from a byproduct of refining petrol. But those same oils are used in pretty much all cosmetics, toiletries etc. Even toothpaste. Oil is everywhere and, refined to a high enough grade, isn't harmful. Natural chemicals are still chemicals and can be just as harmful / more so as synthetic.

But Vaseline acts as a barrier to moisture and won't help heal skin. It's good to protect healthy lips on wet winter mornings as it prevents the water getting to your lips. (Oil and water don't mix, so the water stays on top of the Vaseline). But to heal cracked lips you'll need a moisturising lip balm/cream or stronger.

@LookItsMeAgain

Is the licking of lips a nervous tick or could it be a symptom of something like diabetes? Can your ExDH contribute something to allow you pay for non-familial childcare while you go to work?

In relation to the dairy intollerance, you will have to say "MiL, I know you mean well and I don't want to fall out with you over this but I've had medical doctors look at DS and they, who have the knowledge of what an intollerance looks like or an allergic reaction to a foodstuff looks like, have told me that DS does NOT have any reactions to dairy. I will not listen to any more of your comments about it. If you keep mentioning it, I will have no option but to stop contact."
I empathise about the MiL though. That's got to be tough.

Send this message!!!!

@Wakemeupwhenthisisover

How old are your kids OP? Maybe start counting down the years until you won’t need her for chidmacre it may make you feel better.

No advice other than maybe just smile and nod and agree and then do whatever the hell you want. It won’t stop her but it may really bug her that it’s not getting to you.

Says in the OP - age 10 and 7.

So tricky. Too young to be left if OP is on nights.

ittakes2 Your suggestion for a product free of chemicals?

Lip product that works for us is paw paw ointment. Steer clear of the ‘famous’ red one, which uses petroleum jelly.

On grandma, I’d be tempted to say you’d had him tested formally at xx specialised clinic and no allergy was confirmed. At 10, I’m sure your DS would go along with it for an easy life? Not ideal to teach kids to lie, but an option. You could get him tested privately too? I think it’d be worth the money to wave the results under her nose with a final tone of ‘We’ll hear no more about it then.’

Otherwise I’ve had success making very bossy family members the butt of jokes. Roll your eyes, say to the kids ‘Oh granny’s Playing Dairy Bingo again!’. Or ‘Whatever next? Granny’ll be saying your skin’ll go orange if you eat a carrot’. May not stop her, but at least you’ll be sharing the annoyance around!

I get the annoyance but sometimes it's a matter of pick your battles isn't it?

You said you don't have other childcare options so if she loves the kids & her care of them is otherwise OK is it possible to just tune her out & not engage with the talk of dairy allergy? They can eat or choose not to eat what she provides when they are in her care. What you feed them at your home is your business. If she gives you soya milk etc you don't have to use it when she's not there.

I would struggle to tolerate this & would likely end up saying something & explore other childcare options but if you can't do that easily then you are a bit stuck.

I don't agree with taking her to GP appointments with the kids for a number of reasons including it's not fair on the kids and also it may give MIL the message that she has more input into your parenting decisions than she does & since you are already struggling with her being pushy that would not be doing anyone any favours really. Also, she believes what she believes in the absence of supporting evidence so would what the GP says convince her otherwise & is it a good use of the GP's time to do so when she is a grandparent not a parent?

My DS had exactly this rash and the doctor called it lip lickers rash, its well known amongst primary dc. You have to treat it with a combination of reminding dc not to lick, and really good quality lip balm and then moisturiser around the mouth overnight.

When your MIL starts have you tried just saying yes dear, and then ignoring?

I've had horrific dry lips my entire life and don't have an allergy and definitely not to dairy. I agree with PP that vaseline doesn't help at all and can make things worse! Try another brand of lip care. And as another PP said take her to the next appointment and let them tell her ge doesn't have a dairy allergy

@JennyWoodentop

I get the annoyance but sometimes it's a matter of pick your battles isn't it?

You said you don't have other childcare options so if she loves the kids & her care of them is otherwise OK is it possible to just tune her out & not engage with the talk of dairy allergy? They can eat or choose not to eat what she provides when they are in her care. What you feed them at your home is your business. If she gives you soya milk etc you don't have to use it when she's not there.

I would struggle to tolerate this & would likely end up saying something & explore other childcare options but if you can't do that easily then you are a bit stuck.

I don't agree with taking her to GP appointments with the kids for a number of reasons including it's not fair on the kids and also it may give MIL the message that she has more input into your parenting decisions than she does & since you are already struggling with her being pushy that would not be doing anyone any favours really. Also, she believes what she believes in the absence of supporting evidence so would what the GP says convince her otherwise & is it a good use of the GP's time to do so when she is a grandparent not a parent?

As well as @JennyWoodentop comments re the GP a) it's a waste of time when they could be seeing someone who needs them and b) good luck getting an appointment and bringing you, DS and MIL all in person to the surgery anytime soon.

@toiletpaper it sounds like she is barely tolerable, but tolerating her is the price of childcare and it won't be forever.
Your children are at the age where they can speak up for themselves and say there are no symptoms so not to worry, maybe thet have 'grown out of it', how lucky is that!

As much as I'd love to rub it in her face I wouldn't want to waste the GP's time with it when I know it's not an allergy. I think it will be a case of just putting up with it until they're not needed for childcare anymore as she's just too bloody difficult with it. They're nice people and are good to me so I don't want to create any bad feeling with it, I'll just continue to agree with her while internally rolling my eyes

Could you just go along with it to shut her up? Will she shut up if you suddenly discover they are allergic or will it make her worse?