To be at the end of my tether with ex MIL?

[toiletpaper]

So ex MIL has allergies to a million foods and she enjoys telling people about what she can't eat and the effects they have on her if she eats them. I get the sense she's proud of this. She's been convinced over the years that my kids, her grandkids (DS10 and DD7) are allergic to dairy, as is she of course. She went on and on about it when the kids were toddlers when I was still with her son (been apart almost 2 years) but she's not been so bad the last few years (probably because I see her a lot less!) although DS has been telling me for the last couple of months how ex MIL has been moaning to him about how he shouldn't be consuming dairy and he says he's also fed up of hearing it. I took my son to the GP when he was about 2/3 yo and asked about this and was told he didn't fit the symptoms and wouldn't do an allergy test because of this. She didn't accept this.

DS licks his lips terribly and I tell him to stop this and put Vaseline on but he keeps on doing it and they get really sore. I've told her before if I overly lick my lips and not put lip balm on then mine end up the same but of course, this is 'his dairy allergy'.

I was nights last night so my kids stayed at their grandparents who take them to school. I found out not long ago DS has had a day off school today as he had a bad cold yesterday. I've had a mild cold since Friday night so I put it down to him catching this from me. No cough or other covid symptoms before anyone mentions this. So I get the kids and ex MIL say she's giving me a carton of soya milk and dairy free butter because 'this is the reason he's been ill'. I told her I had a cold the other day and that I DO NOT believe he has a milk allergy and she wrote me off and said yes it is and just to give him those things she's giving me. She's an extremely pushy woman with whom you cannot with an argument and she is always right. One of the reasons I left my ex was because he wouldn't stand up to her pushiness. I couldn't be bothered to argue my case any further as I knew she would have an answer to whatever I said so I just accepted the stuff.

I've discussed symptoms of a dairy allergy/intolerance tonight with DS and he doesn't get any of them. He hasn't had a cold since before lockdown so how can a cold the week after they go back to school and a few days after I had one be attributed to a bloody dairy allergy?

I have no choice but for my kids to go to them when I work, I work nights and weekend 12 hour shifts and I have nobody else they can go to so I don't want to hear suggestions to find other childcare. My kids are always with me when I'm not in work as their dad is a waste of space and hasn't had the kids once since I left him. I know I should stand up to her better but I'm not good with asserting myself and when I've tried in the past she never lets up until she's worn you down. Any suggestions on how to proceed from here? Or is it going to be a case of putting my big girl boots on and telling her?

Do you have a health food shop local to you? I have one that caters for diary free/gf but the also do thumb prick tests where they can test for allergies. I would be tempted to take DS for a test so that I had definitive proof that there was no allergy there.

I would just have some comment in a neutral tone - yes we looked at that years ago, remember. Lucky he’s not as he loves the stuff and it’s so good for you.

The licking of lips will stop, it's a phase.

Just tell your mother in law in plain speech that she overdoes it! Ex-husband could back you up.

People get on a roll and don't even realise it; my mother was like that.

I would start to say that the doctor told you it’s from calcium deficiency and that you need to up his dairy intake.

Please dont waste a gp appointment due to your ex-MIL misconception.

If you've no choice of child care couldn't you just avoid the topic, or let her think she is right but at home do what you want.

He might be allergic to vaseline! I sure am. And my lips get itchy and dry from it.

Stop using it on his lips. And indeed, put your grown women pants on and tell her gently, to stop it

Would it be so bad to give him the soy stuff and see how he is? I completely ignored a friend's irritating blathering on and on and on about how many people had a wheat intolerance, thought she was mad/obsessed, like a religious mania. Then, long story short, I cut out wheat for a bit on doctor's suggestion (elimination diet) and like magic a lot of weird symptoms resolved (to the day about 3 weeks after I quit). Ten years I ignored her! I had none, ZERO of the traditional tummy related issues. I had terrible joint pains and... allergies. Haven't had either since becoming wheat-free. Sorry - I know this is not what you want to hear, but what is the harm in trying it (need a decent amount of time) and then if no effect, you can tell her look, I tried.

@agonyauntie2020 but he doesn't have any symptoms of dairy intolerance!

Tbh you should also give her an article on the damaging effects of phyto-oestrogens in soy products (especially when used in the quantities in western diet) when given to boys. That might scare the pants off her.

@toiletpaper

Just as an aside, DS1 (he's 7) licks his lips terribly. It's an autistic 'stim' linked to his Asperger's. No advice (apart from training him to replace the stim with a different one), but it could possibly be linked to ASD.

[quote BGirlBouillabaisse]@toiletpaper

Just as an aside, DS1 (he's 7) licks his lips terribly. It's an autistic 'stim' linked to his Asperger's. No advice (apart from training him to replace the stim with a different one), but it could possibly be linked to ASD.[/quote]
I definitely think he has ASD - aspergers as it was once called. He has pretty much all the traits but he's not that bad and I've heard of people around where I live having a nightmare with a diagnosis for a child who's MUCH worse than DS so I've not gone to the GP about it yet. So it sounds like the lip licking may be to do with this. He's also started repeat slapping on me and the dog recently, not hard but repeatedly and enough that it gets annoying quite quickly.

My MIL is exactly the same. Lovely person but the ‘healthiest unwell person’ ever. Jesus, she has every bloody symptom of everything under the sun. You name it she’s got it. Can’t eat this, can’t eat that. Doesn’t stop her stuffing her face with pastries, sausage rolls, bread etc...then moans about her weight and being ‘semi’ diabetic. She’s totally pissed me off on many occasions. She takes a myriad of pills, many of which I suspect are placebo’s given by her GP to get her out the frigging surgery. On holidays she makes a massive deal at the breakfast table taking all her pills and potions....surely you take them in private. I was pissed at her for doing this in her flamboyant way in front of my young children. Though fortunately they are now 16 & 15 years old have a good snigger. Soon to be ex DH never said a thing. Mummy’s boy!! Also, they all went on holiday without me on many occasions, I missed the children (who had a great time) but couldn’t stand listening to all her bullshit. Did it for years so actually wasn’t a holiday. Spent the whole time seething. The final straw came on the last one which I did go to where I did actually explode at her. She insisted and wouldn’t stop that DS was allergic to fish. Eaten fish all his life...never a problem. He just happened to get the squits on the day we’d had fish and chips. Banged on and on about it ever since. Convinced DS DH and DD that he was so when we have fish he has chicken gougons . Makes me mad. OP I would say, try your hardest to make sure your DS is not convinced by her. Keep giving him the dairy. It’s healthy and good for their bones and growth. MIL can bugger off. Poor FIL (if he’s still there) imagine living with that!

Lips....I agree with PP that Burts 🐝 is excellent.

Good luck OP. Feeling your pain.

Christ @spikeymama your MIL sounds worse than mine! I never had to endure holidays with mine thankfully as she has trouble with her body - back and joints (double jointed or something apparently) so she can't travel more than 20 minutes or so in the car and has never been on a plane

I'm not surprised you went nuts at her about the fish, especially when it's so good for you and your DS actually eats and enjoys it. FWIW sushi doesn't agree with me, not the Tesco kind but proper stuff. When me and current DP went to Florida last year we had raw fish quite a lot, i always had a dodgy belly after but after the third time and me having to rush to Walmart to have a massive stinky poo on the way home from the restaurant I realised raw fish is not good for me in large quantities

If your MIL is giving him a lot of soy it could be he has an intolerance to that. My daughter discovered she had an intolerance to soy when she started dating a vegan - soy does terrible things to her skin and makes her mouth itch but fortunately nothing life-threatening. So it might actually be worth getting your DC tested for intolerances.

I’m not sure how the conversation with MIL would go if your DC turns out to have an intolerance to something she’s been giving him to alleviate an intolerance she imagined, but if it were me there would be swearing.

One of the reasons I left my ex was because he wouldn't stand up to her pushiness. I couldn't be bothered to argue my case any further as I knew she would have an answer to whatever I said so I just accepted the stuff. Basically you are doing what your ex did... you need a new tactic.

As she won't change and you need her, no matter how much you don't like her, she caused the breakup of your relationship with her son etc, you are going to have to be the one who changes. AND you are going to have to help your kids overcome their dislike/irritation at some of her habits too!

Don't roll your eyes, smile and say something reassuring but inane! Just make that your automatic reaction, replace the irritataion you usually feel. Not for her benefit but to leave you feeling more in control!

It's a waste of time trying to win the argument. Thank her for her advice and then ignore it.

Ha ha @toiletpaper
That did make me laugh! A bit like me in Nevada on hol (without MIL thank god...she doesn’t ‘do’ planes....makes her brain go all squiggly apparently ( no MIL ...fuck all to do with the plane) it’s you and your phantom ailments. I had a burger from ‘In Out Burgers’ and it literally was just that! 20 mins after eating, shat myself inside out

'Gosh MIL I hope you don't end up pushing them away with all this allergy stuff. DS has already said he's tired of hearing it. Up to you what you tell them when they're with you but I'd hate for them to not want to spend time with you when they're old enough to choose...'

I wouldn’t mind, but I’ve even shown her what a real allergy to food can do. On one of the (fated) holidays (Ireland) I had beautiful Bantry Bay mussels. Eaten at 8pm then exited from the top and bottom from midnight till 6am... she was desperate to call an ambulance. She was extremely disappointed when I recovered and promptly had a pint of proper Guinness at lunchtime. That stuff is magic. Tried a mussel (x1) from my colleagues starter on a work trip years later....repeat episode. She’ll have to go some to beat that. 🤣