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Original poster

To get rid of friend

59 replies

2019canfoff · 08/09/2020 18:24

I've known this person for 30 years, we were very close during our teens and early 20's but we both moved to different places.
We have always stayed in touch but when I had my DS 3 years ago she sent a text congratulating me but didn't ask anything about him. I moved back to our home town before he was born and both our parents still live here too.
I would text saying when you come home let me know so we can catch up but when she came for weekend visits she never said she was coming. So I carried on texting her on birthdays but stopped trying to meet up.
Fast forward 2 years and her parents died, complete shock. So I reach out again and we meet up. The last year has been rough as I've got PND and she's obviously grieving. She came up last week and our family met up with hers.
I had an anxiety attack and ended up in tears and shaking and they all walked off and left me with my DS.
I haven't heard from her since. No text to say am I ok, nothing.
I know I shouldn't be treated like this but after everything she's been through and all the years we've been friends I just wanted other opinions about whether to just end it now or keep trying.
Thanks xx

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/09/2020 19:06

It's really odd that they all left.

Is there a possibility that they interpreted the situation differently rather than every single one of them leaving because you had a panic attack?

AppleKatie · 08/09/2020 19:09

The more you post OP the less this is about your friend, she sounds like the least of your worries atm. Flowers

GiraffeWithSwag · 08/09/2020 19:10

Step away. It might be difficult but I can understand how you feel....I’m going through a similar situation with a friend I’ve had in my life for over 35 years. Every time I’ve reached out, over the last few years, she delays, hesitates or cancels. She can then come back after months of radio silence and I’ve had enough. It’s hard when you realise someone you thought had your back no longer does. I’ve gone through this cycle for years and years and hope each time it’ll be different. We’ve talked about it and she’s ‘oh you know what I’m like’ and ‘yeah but we’ll always be friends’....as though it doesn’t count. As though I don’t count. Put some space between you both. Reply very bland replies to any contact. It will be hard, you will miss our old friendship but it sounds like time to let go (I should practice what I preach!) good luck 💐

GiraffeWithSwag · 08/09/2020 19:11

Your old friendship....! Not ours 🤦‍♀️

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2020 19:13

Op what happened immediately before you started to panic? Was something said that triggered it? Could she feel she was to blame? Have you asked your family what happened?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/09/2020 19:14

@CurtainWitcher

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I wonder if @CurtainWitcher is ops sibling!
Whym · 08/09/2020 19:15

Surely there’s nothing to end OP? She left and didn’t contact you. What more is there to say about the friendship. I’m sorry they ALL left you...I can’t quite get my head around that at all....
I hope you are now ok 💐

AudTheDeepMinded · 08/09/2020 19:18

Is there any chance your family said something along the lines of 'best if you go, we'll help her' and then buggered off after them? Doesn't explain why she has not been in touch (embarrassment/not wanting to upset you etc?) but could be why they left.

Yerroblemom1923 · 08/09/2020 19:19

I'm guessing they felt you needed space and left so as not to embarrass you etc. I the people crowding round me. I think maybe everyone read the situation wrong. What did your husband/partner say happened as to why they all left you?
I think you're interpreting the scenario as abandonment and the rest of the group thought best to give you some space. Misunderstanding.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 08/09/2020 19:22

Did you ask your family why they all left you? What was their response?

Thehop · 08/09/2020 19:25

They all packed up in the space of a minute? It takes ages for me to pack a picnic and paraphernalia up for a family picnic, could you have gone longer than you thought and they assumed you’d gone home?

Original poster
2019canfoff · 08/09/2020 19:25

Thanks everyone for replying. I think it's time to just move on and start moving on without her in my life xx

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 08/09/2020 19:34

How long were you gone for?

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/09/2020 19:39

I don't think this last incident should be the arbiter of whether she's worth keeping as a friend.

If your family were there as well and they left you she probably went along with thinking it was best for you if you were left alone. Your son being left is pretty outrageous but, again, I wouldn't expect a friend who I saw rarely to necessarily know that this wasn't something you were both used to and preferred as a way to help you cope. It's not a great situation to put someone you don't see much into and she may be unsure about what to do herself.

However, her treatment of you over the last few years seems to have been rocky and indicates she may not feel you're that close a friend. It's unclear whether she's been a better friend to you in the last year since her parents died and you got back in touch.

Friendships do fade away sometimes. And they can also continue but be up and down. If you don't get anything good out of your friendship with her at the moment then let it slide a bit. Put your effort in elsewhere. You don't have to break it off entirely you can just stop expecting so much from her as you did when you stopped asking her to meet up. If you do get something worthwhile from it but are just disappointed about this one incident then put this behind you and contact her again.

Giraffey1 · 08/09/2020 19:39

I don’t think this is anything to do with your friend, I think it is entirely about your family, who you say are toxic. I bet they told your friend that you were ok but that it would be best to leave you be, that you are always doing this sort of thing etc etc.

I would text her and ask her where she went!

greengreengrass14 · 08/09/2020 19:43

Just a different view, I honestly think some people don't understand anxiety and until you've had it or lived with someone with it it is difficult to understand.

No excuse but maybe some kind of explanation.

I have terrible anxiety around some things now,earlier in my life I didn't at all. I'm sure some people think you are making it up.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/09/2020 19:44

They all left left? Not just left that but and you caught up?

Either way I’m not sure how this is all on the friend who may not have know exactly what was going on...

dollypartonscoat · 08/09/2020 19:53

Everyone left you? Confused

Without the panic attack that would be very very strange. Surely much more to it

BuffaloMozzerella · 08/09/2020 20:03

How horrible for you. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Have you had any had any help for panic attacks? They can be very frightening.

Personally I would not try to continue this friendship.

nanbread · 08/09/2020 20:03

I don’t think this is anything to do with your friend, I think it is entirely about your family, who you say are toxic. I bet they told your friend that you were ok but that it would be best to leave you be, that you are always doing this sort of thing etc etc.

I second this.

Maybe also your friend isn't feeling emotionally strong enough to deal with your anxiety attacks at the moment as well hence she hasn't texted.

Maybe they don't know where you had gone.

Where was your partner in all of this?

Are you getting any treatment for your PND and anxiety?

Bobbyandme · 08/09/2020 20:26

Bless you. That's awful that they left you. How shitty of them. I hope you are ok.

From experience I grew apart from a friend when we had kids. She was all about herself and I didn't feel I could be myself with her anymore. I feel happier for not trying to force myself to invest in her.

Don't be upset. Surround yourself with kind people with the same standards as you. X

LagunaBubbles · 08/09/2020 20:32

You need to stop focusing on your friend and tackle the real problem , your family.

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 08/09/2020 20:54

OP in the nicest possible way, I think you were gone way longer than a minute. 7 adults and "kids" all left with picnic blankets and bags, I'm guessing 14 people? I think you need to see a GP and discuss as you may have had a mental health related blank or blackout.

I don't think I could shift this number of people, wrap up blankets and peel kids off play equipment in less than 10 -15 minutes, then they have to walk out of sight...

You clearly appeared present enough to be watching your own child (even though you weren't)....very few people would leave a 3 year old with no supervision, and 7 adults left your ds aged 3 (you said it caused a family row - what did your family actually say?? ).

I'd have a very careful think about yourself, your mental health and your appearance that day. Clearly what you thought and felt was very different to what others saw and did.

islockdownoveryet · 08/09/2020 21:08

I'm sorry I want to be kind but the stuff before the day out I'm not sure what she has done wrong.
Friends sometimes are flaky especially if they have lots going on . You said yourself that she's had a bereavement.
Also the anxiety attack must be awful my daughter has them from time to time .
But I don't think that's everything that happened as you say you had the panic attack then they left you but then you say you had the attack because you were on your own .
Did they know at the time you were having a attack?
I think some information is missing here and you need to see your GP for your anxiety.

FilledSoda · 08/09/2020 21:50

I just can't visualise this.
Where did they think you were ?
Have to spoken to any of them since?
Maybe your friendship has run its course but that's not as shocking as your whole family giving you the slip.

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