To think that I'n a terrible mother

[WhyohWhyohhWHY]

Sorry if wrong board...wanting traffic.

I'm having a real hard time atm with my LO and feel I'm totally failing as a mother.

He is 19 months old. Still not walking, not talking and waking more than once each night, meal times are just soul destroying and yes he still has a bottle at night.

I'm totally exhausted and on my knees.
I work too and finish at 6.30pm home for 7pm three nights a week.
Not ideal I know as means bedtime is later than I would like.

I've got into a bad routine of settling him downstairs as my husband says we don't see each other if settling upstairs, but wondering if moving upstairs to settle would be a better choice to get him down a little earlier (currently 8-8.30) He doesn't self settle at all and can't be left in his cot to just cry (due to medical issue that hopefully will finish soon) if I say what it is it will give me a way completely, but he basically isn't allowed to overheat, and screaming for time at length causes exactly that.
I put him to bed every night, my husband goes to him the first wake (usually 10pm) and I do in the night wakes, he then gets up with him over the weekend in the mornings to let me catch up. We chose this way as it works for us, if he sees to him on the night I'm only awake anyway as it takes him a long time. (Before anyone comments about her husband doing it)

I'm getting constant comments about his development delays, mainly from the in laws, and feel it's some how my fault. Do I not teach him enough? Am I not offering stimulation? I don't even know what toys to buy as I'm hopeless at knowing what a child needs.

I've messaged the HV twice for help, and still not heard back. We haven't been seen by HV since he was 12 weeks old. We got one extra visit due to me being on antidepressants, but that's it.

Last night I was led in bed after settling him for the second time thinking I just wish I wasn't here. I don't want this life. I don't want my LO to suffer a crap life because he has an inadequate mother who doesn't know what she is doing and can't even teach him basics of life.

I look forward to going to work just so I can escape and be on my own, not be in constant demand and quieten my thoughts on why did I have a child? Why have a saddled a poor child with a mother who doesn't even want to be a mother.

I don't even know why I'm posting to an anonymous forum...I guess I just need to vent to someone. I have no friends anymore since being a mum as they aren't interested. I've given up messaging them trying to arrange get together's, calls or any form of communication. I just feel so alone.

You're not a terrible mother or 'inadequate' or any of those things. You wouldn't be worrying about your LO like you are if you were.

A terrible mother wouldn't even think about any of these things. The fact that you are concerned shows how good a mother you are.

Where does he go on your three working days? If a Nursery or CM, what do they say about it all?

Came across my baby diaries the other day and was astonished to find my 1st class maths degree, well adjusted and delightful DS2 had only 3 words at 2 years old.

Understand where you're coming from re work - I used to say that work saved me because the only sleep I had was on the train. And of course work meant that they went to a childminder, and she was able to give them lots of things that I couldn't.

I think different people enjoy the different parts of child rearing. A lot of people really love the baby stages, but some people don't. You may find it all clicks with you when you go through the delightful primary ages when they're full of questions, eager to learn and absolutely lapping up new experiences.

OP, you don't should like a terrible mother at all. You sound caring, committed and attentive. Finding life with a young child difficult doesn't mean you're a bad parent at all - it just means that you're taking your responsibilities seriously and sometimes they can weigh quite heavily on you.

There is a very wide range of what is considered "normal" development, and there probably isn't any reason to be concerned about your ds, but if you're worried, why not contact your GP or health visitor and ask for a chat. Hopefully they will reassure you that there is nothing to worry about. In the meantime, can your dh ask his family to stop making stupid comments which really aren't helpful.

Just a handhold. You are NOT a bad mother, you are a good mother. A bad mother wouldn’t give a shit about her child. A bad mother wouldn’t feel guilt, contact the HV for help etc. This is an incredibly tough time to be a parent least of all to a 19 month old. The fact that you’ve had little support from health professionals makes things so much harder. Being in work is a good thing as it gives you some time away and I have no doubt means you have the patience needed when you are home. In terms of the routine I would suggest settling upstairs. Also- could your DH put DC to bed for an earlier hour? I know it may mean you don’t get time with them of an evening but sleep is so important for kids. You could make a big thing of breakfast together instead and cherish the weekends. What childcare is being used if you’re in work (or is dh home?). Have they commented? Take care of yourself you’re doing great.

You sound like me when I had my first son. I felt terrible. Looking back at that time, I think I had PND - it can manifest in feelings of guilt, as well as low mood. Might be worth you seeing your GP to rule this out. And also, don't be too hard on yourself. You are trying your best, this is your first baby and yes, at 19 months, they're still babies really. I do think it would be sensible to move him upstairs, preferably into whichever room he's in longer-term, just so he gets used to that being his space. Make sure you try and maintain as consistent a bedtime routine as you possibly can - events in a predictable order, at the same time every evening so he knows what to expect. For example, dinner/bath/Getting ready for bed in his room/A bedtime Story/Milk and then down in his cot. Don't fret if you encounter resistance or a few blips in the routine to begin with - the important thing is you keep plugging away at it and soon enough you'll have the beginnings of a consistent pattern.

The other thing that's really important, especially for first-time mums, is maintaining social routines. It's a bit harder right now because of the lack of toddler groups but try and build in some opportunities for him to play with others, and for you to get out of the house regularly. Perhaps even to the local park in the morning, followed by lunch and then a lunch-time kip.

This should be a routine too, so he gets a bout of activity in the am and burns off some of his baby/toddler energy before lunch, followed by a snooze (again, in his room.) It also has the advantage of getting you out of the house as well - loneliness is one of the taboo subjects amongst mums for some bizarre reason. I never felt as lonely as I did when I had my first baby - for a long time I just felt angry and lonely and exhausted and really, really upset that I had fucked up "my life!"

Now that baby is growing into a very tall 7 year old, and I can see all the effort I put in coming full circle already - he's funny, compassionate and sociable. So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't ever underestimate what you're doing and the importance of being there as his mummy - however you do it, all that matters to him is that you love him and cuddle him and want to play with him, and it'll all be fine. It's still very early days for you and him at only 19 months old. Don't beat yourself up over nothing.

My 19 month old has 2 bottles, wakes up throughout the night, says NO, pulls other kids hair and hits them, chucks most his food on the floor, and has major tantrums!

It has to get better... surely!

Bless you. You're doing great. Babies need nutrition, love, lots of talk and any age appropriate toy from ELC or similar - sounds like you are giving all that and more. Don't get bogged down in all the negative, honestly we all wing it!

You seem quite low and you say you're on antidepressants, I would suggest contacting your GP as your medication may need tweaking.

All babies develop differently too. My sister apparently didn't crawl until she'd turned one, just because she couldn't really be bothered! Your relatives sound very unsupportive, try and ignore their negativity.

You're in the hardest part, I think. It will get better and you sound very very far from a bad mother .

You're doing fine. I found this phase the hardest. My son wasn't talking much till he was 30 months and he never stops now! Is he crawling/cruising?

You're not a terrible mother, you're under a lot of pressure.

If you're worried about his development could you call your gp? Or even get in touch with the health visitors office and see if you can see someone else? No contact isn't acceptable, you definitely need support.

All babies do things in their own time, but it doesn't stop parents worrying (or interfering dickheads commenting and comparing).

The night waking and not self settling is tough, my DD was an awful sleeper for a long time. She wouldn't self settle, had reflux fairly badly to the point she would be sick if she cried and woke several times a night until well past 2. When I was working it nearly destroyed me, even sharing wakes with dh just meant we were both exhausted. My DS is 10 months now and still wakes 3-4 times a night but my HV has given me some advice and referred us to an early years sleep specialist for some extra help. It's all phone based but it's been useful to talk to someone else.

If I was you I'd bypass the hv and go straight to the gp.

My dd wasn't meeting her milestones and the hv brushed them off. I took her to the gp who took me seriously and referred her to specialists.

You're not a bad mum

You are not a terrible mum. Each and every child is different. My daughter didn't walk until 21-24 months. You wouldn't think it now at 5. Also mine were both very late to talk.

In my area health visitors don't really intervene until 2 anyway and imo health visitors are rubbish. Although they are often a starting point for extra help.

Would you consider pre school when he turns 2? That will really help.

Motherhood is hard. Anyone who says it isn't either is lying or not doing it right.

I would definitely try settling him upstairs for a better routine but do what works best for you as a family! Does he nap much in the day? Bizarrely I found the less mine slept in the day the worse they slept at night. Sleep promotes sleep. Naps as good a lot of the time.

Is he in a cot? Have you considered a bed? Some children don't like cots.

I don't have much advice but things will get better! That age is tiring. Mine are 9&5. Still tiring but certainly less demanding than a toddler.

Don't let the in laws make comments on his development. I have had the exact same as mine were late developers. Mother in law has made me feel like a failure many times. I've met it bother me but I've toughened up over the years! As I said my daughter was a late walker. My mother in law said it was my fault as I didn't encourage her 🤷‍♀️ it was a load of crap. My daughter turned out to have hyper mobility and low muscle tone after seeing a physio therapist (she's still got this but she's making excellent progress so not an issue at all now).

Hugs 🤗

You sound like a brilliant mum to be honest OP. I really mean that.

Totally agree, go straight to your GP with your concerns, don't bother with the HV at the moment, they are way overstretched at the moment. As a PP said, they can refer your child on if need be.

Lack of sleep is awful and will make you feel depressed. I know because DD1 woke 3x per night until she was 3. I aged a decade during that period!
Hope you can get some input soon, hang on in there.

Please remember that they develop differently.

I had similar rather sarky remarks from inlaws when DD wasn't walking at two, or talking, along the lines of 'go to GP' etc.

She wasn't crawling either. And then one day she just propped herself up with something and off she went (walking).

Also 13 years later she is well night top of the class at school and flying. Despite having missed school for 6 months and home schooled

Things even out. Try to have faith in your abiities as a mum. Sounds like you are doing well. Pat on back.

I remember being really glad that my DS's two year check wasn't conducted until he was 2 years 2 months as he wouldn't have said a word at 24 months. Two months later however you couldn't shut him up.
Does your DS understand you? If so then don't worry about speech. It will come. Keep talking to him though. If you're getting comments from family, just ask them to help and take him out for a few hours. Lots of talking and interaction helps enormously with development. From your post, you sound exhausted. Sleep disturbance is a killer. Your DS sounds completely normal. Mine had milk in a bottle until 2.5 years and then I got the dentist to tell him to give them up. He listened.
Overall just be a bit kinder to yourself

Oh - forgot to add - my 21 month old threw a toy tractor at my head this morning. I was so cross and upset, and it really, really really fucking hurt. He also hits other children (and me occasionally) and makes some kind of weird, high-pitched scream that if you heard it in the wild, you'd assume something was being eaten alive. So solidarity for you OP - this stage is tough, and you're certainly not alone.

Your in-laws need to back off alot. Rude and nasty. They can look after them if they are soo worried.

Children don't have a blueprint for parenting...they love you unconditionally.

You only have your own expectations which are tainted by what others say or think you should be doing.

All children need is your presence - don't beat yourself up.

OP it sounds tough. You are not a terrible parent, terrible parents feel no guilt. Parent guilt, mum guilt especially is our own worst enemy.

I was that mother in the park, all over toddlers playing nicely but because my DC was a late talker she got very frustrated, screaming crying and lashing out. All eyes were on me, I had similar comments "have you tried reading to her😊😊😊" or "I just made my toddlers do X Y Z" ignore them, for every mum who has their shit together there is another one like me just muddling through. My DC can communicate better now and honestly I feel like I have a different child, life is mainly easy and I'm much happier. You will get there too.

You are a good mother and a good person. Being a parent is such hard, hard work. And it’s not always enjoyable. It gets better better over time as you adjust and your child grows. In 12 months time life will be a bit easier and you will be amazed at how far you’ve come. Hugs to you, I hope you’re able to find light at the end of the tunnel

Other*

You are not terrible! My DC didn't walk until he was 2.

They all develop so differently.

Look after yourself

@Ori82 thank you for your reply. I feel exactly as you've explained...you describe exactly as I feel about feeling like I've messed up my life.

We're looking to put him into nursery to help him interact with others and hopefully help with his development progression.
I feel like it's my fault why he is behind and like maybe I'm not spending enough 121 or something.

@OverTheRainbow88 this sounds like my son! He throws everything! Food, drink, toys...pretty much whatever he gets his hands on!!

@Joopy he bum shuffles everywhere, quite fast! He is standing at the furniture if I assist to stand and is happy standing. He will walk holding our hands, but not yet cruising.
He didn't roll or sit until late