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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner prefers me 'with more weight on'

47 replies

squashdbanana · 08/09/2020 10:41

Last year I got on a healthy eating kick, was exercising 4-5x per week and lost a fair bit of weight.

Lockdown has meant I've put a couple of stone back on.

I'm hoping to return to the gym soon and get my eating habits back on track.

My DP said that although he would support me in whatever I want to do, and he understands I feel fat at present, he personally finds me much more attractive at my current size, as at my lowest I was too thin and lost my boobs/ bum. At my lightest I did also have a lot of saggy skin, so I looked a lot better dressed than naked.

I am still going back to the gym/ to adjust my eating but just feel a bit conflicted!

OP posts:
TheHappyHerbivore · 08/09/2020 10:43

What matters is how you feel about your body. Your partner has expressed a preference - fine. But if you feel better and healthier when you’re slimmer, that’s much more important.

SerenDippitty · 08/09/2020 10:44

Did you actually need to lose the weight you did? Have you regained all the weight you lost or just part of it?

TheListeners · 08/09/2020 10:45

How thin did you get? I do think we always think thinner is better and it's not always true. It could be you were just slimmer and he needs to get used to it.

happylittlechick · 08/09/2020 10:46

Do what you want. But if you went down to bmi 15 then he may have a point.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/09/2020 10:47

You probably did look better with a bit more weight if you got very thin. How thin were you? Are you overweight now?

Lockheart · 08/09/2020 10:48

The only important factors are:

  • are you a healthy weight?
  • are you happy?

It's not wrong for your DP to express a preference, but that shouldn't be your priority.

KeepingPlain · 08/09/2020 10:53

It's just his preference, but maybe he was a bit worried about you too. If you lost a lot of weight and were underweight like someone else said, then I can see why he'd be worried. He still supports you either way.

My partner is the same, I'm trying to exercise more and eat better. He thinks I'm nuts as he thinks I'm fine the way I am. But he's still happy for me to do this.

Original poster
squashdbanana · 08/09/2020 11:00

At my lowest I was just under 11st, my BMI was 24 I think. I was a size 10 and looked quite slim.

Currently it's about 29-30 (so overweight bordering on obese).

I've not regained all the weight I lost, I lost just over 6st in total. So am a lot slimmer than I was 2 years ago, but not really where I think I want to be. Although admittedly even at my lowest I still wasn't entirely happy with myself, mainly because of my loose skin etc.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 08/09/2020 11:03

Unless you lost too much weight (which you didn’t if you had a BMI of 24) what he thinks if your weight isn’t particularly important.

I’m rocking a bit of a dad bod at the minute as I’ve gained around a stone during lockdown, boyfriend prefers it, I don’t, so its on its way out. Your body should reflect what you want, not what a partner wants.

heymacaroner · 08/09/2020 11:03

I'd be really offended by his comments. What happened to loving you for who you are? If you want to lose the weight again that's up to you OP, and no-one else. Has he considered how you might now feel if you do lose the weight and he's essentially told you he will find you less attractive?
It's almost like your health and happiness aren't solely about whether he likes your boobs....Hmm

SummerHouse · 08/09/2020 11:04

This is not about how you look but how you feel. Size 10, 11 stone is spot on I think for a healthy body. Surely that's the most important thing. I think your partner is being massively unreasonable to say he prefers you at a more unhealthy weight.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/09/2020 11:05

Yeah that's a bit shitty. You weren't underweight or anywhere near.

LadyCatStark · 08/09/2020 11:10

I thought you were going to say that you were 7 stone or something and I was go over to say he has a long and was probably worried about you. But your pre-lockdown weight was fine and healthy so HIBU.

Original poster
squashdbanana · 08/09/2020 11:12

I think in a healthy relationship we should both feel able to express opinions - and he's not said that I mustn't lose weight or even that I shouldn't, it's just a personal preference.

It's surprised me because I've struggled with weight most of my life, I've never been happy with my size (even when I've been a 10) and I've always thought that being thinner would make me happier and more attractive. It's just a bit odd for him to say he thinks I'm more attractive now. Not that he loves me any less, or finds me unattractive at the lower weight.

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 08/09/2020 11:16

I actually empathise with this , ultimately your health and how you feel about it (with a caveat that if you were underweight and still trying to lose that would be a concern ) is what matters.

I lost 8 stone over the last 18 months and I confess I had got a little too focused on it. Nothing horrendous but enough that I recognised I had become a little too close to underweight.

In lockdown (ironically half way through rather than at the start with everyone else ) I put half a stone on. DP, who never mentions my weight , mentioned that he thought I looked healthier. The key here is that i went away at considered what i thought myself. I decided he was right and i preferred how i looked half a stone up. Dp is very medically minded and i know part of it was he was concerned i was close to being underweight and had i caught covid etc ot would have tipped me over the edge.

Sorry I have waffled. I think there is sometimes the case when you have lost a lot of weight you don't always see it when it has become excessive so its good to listen and take on opinions but ultimately if you are not happy and you are healthy then it is only your opinion that matters a jot.

Bwlch · 08/09/2020 11:18

I think in a healthy relationship we should both feel able to express opinions

I agree. My husband prefers me to be slim and has said so. I prefer him to be slim, and have said so.

I'd be really offended by his comments. What happened to loving you for who you are?

Nothing.

IamTomHanks · 08/09/2020 11:19

I've always thought that being thinner would make me happier and more attractive.

Did being thinner make you feel happier and more attractive? Did it make you feel healthier? If it didn't than I can understand why you feel conflicted.

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/09/2020 11:23

Dh also finds me sexier with a bit more weight on, but I’m at the weight I am comfortable at. He likes me just fine like that and I feel healthier so that’s where I’m at. And I’m always in the healthy BMI range, so it’s not even about that.

In the end me feeling good is more important than everything else, and dh would completely agree with that. It’s just that all other things being equal he likes curves, but all other things are not equal.

79andnotout · 08/09/2020 11:29

I think you should focus on the health benefits rather than appearance. Did you feel a lot fitter and healthier at a BMI of 24? I know I would compared with a BMI of 29/30.

nauticant · 08/09/2020 11:38

Is you partner a healthy weight? Or is he overweight and perhaps wanting you to be the same?

mrpumblechook · 08/09/2020 11:41

I have always been slim but I used have a boyfriend that would suggest I would look better if I put on weight . He was also very jealous and insecure and I think that was related as he didn't like the men paying me any attention. I would question your DP's motives - encouraging you to be overweight seems very selfish.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/09/2020 11:45

BMI 24 is healthy but never going to be too skinny even if you are large framed. I’d just focus on the health benefits to DH.

LovingLola · 08/09/2020 11:47

Does he feel you are obsessive about losing weight?

Friendsoftheearth · 08/09/2020 11:53

If I can be honest, I think some women do not suit being thinner, I am one of them too. My nose looks too large on a much thinner face, it is a much more hardened look flinty - I just look very different when I am skinny. I know what he means actually. At my lowest weight the heroin chic look really was not good.

A slightly fully face and figure really suits certain people. I am thinking Nigella and personal friends I know.
One of my best friends lost three stone and looked awful, haggard in the face, drooping jowls, gaunt and looks far prettier with more weight. Everyone noticed it. All of her clothes hung from her, and she lacked her usual sparkle and energy too. It was not for her, and she now is somewhere in the middle and looks amazing.

You need to be comfortable in your own skin, be healthy and happy the way you like yourself. It is all great dh having a view, but it is your opinion that matters.

Friendsoftheearth · 08/09/2020 11:56

Mr I don't think you should ever be with a man that is jealous of you! That sounds totally toxic and unhealthy.

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