partner prefers me 'with more weight on'

[squashdbanana]

Last year I got on a healthy eating kick, was exercising 4-5x per week and lost a fair bit of weight.

Lockdown has meant I've put a couple of stone back on.

I'm hoping to return to the gym soon and get my eating habits back on track.

My DP said that although he would support me in whatever I want to do, and he understands I feel fat at present, he personally finds me much more attractive at my current size, as at my lowest I was too thin and lost my boobs/ bum. At my lightest I did also have a lot of saggy skin, so I looked a lot better dressed than naked.

I am still going back to the gym/ to adjust my eating but just feel a bit conflicted!

I would question your DP's motives - encouraging you to be overweight seems very selfish.

Just because a guy likes bigs boobs and bum doesn't mean he's abusive.

I did feel a bit healthier than I do now, but not massively so - for context, my BMI was 40 or so for years, so my current weight doesn't feel too much different to my lighter weight. If you were someone who had always been healthy BMI I can see that would feel different, but for me the change from a couple of years ago to now has been the biggest difference.

I injured my leg a couple of months ago (not weight related) which has stopped me exercising, that has been frustrating and not helped with weight gain/ loss of muscle tone. But I am starting back cautiously this week with brisk walking (I don't want to risk running yet).

My eating previously was quite strict in some ways - previously I'd eaten quite a carb heavy diet, but when I was actively losing weight I cut out most pasta, rice, potatoes (I'd eat a small amount once a week) and 1 slice of bread a day (whereas before I'd have eaten 4-5 easily). I wouldn't say it was a faddy way of eating, but it does have to be planned rather than just grabbing toast in the morning or a sandwich at lunch. I think maybe sometimes I was guilty of being too regimented about it, but then again it did work well for me.

Wasn't the exact same thread on here a few weeks ago?

Assuming you're a different poster, I'll just repeat what I said last time. Your health should come first, not your boyfriend's opinion of your appearance.

Were you happy?

Just picking up on something else that's been said, we can't always 'feel' if we're healthy or unhealthy, unless we're actually unwell.

I think you should do whatever makes you feel best, and something sustainable... maybe start exercising more but don’t restrict your diet as severely?
Might help you to tone up a bit and feel more healthy/confident without losing a lot of weight.

Honestly I don't think he's jealous. I know his 'type' is more curvy. When we met I was probably a stone or so heavier than now, put on a lot more weight and he always found me attractive, even when I was a size 24.

I did still have curves at my slimmest but inevitably lost something off my boobs (I think now I'm a 36gg, last year I was a 32e, but at the lower weight there was more loose skin and sag of course :( )

Losing weight did make me happier but also more self critical. I came to hate the saggy skin on my tummy and at the top of my legs. I am scared of any form of elective surgery but was seriously considering an apronectomy/ thigh and boob lift. But I was too worried about the cost and risks if anything went wrong.

I think alot of posters are being harsh on your partner. He prefers you being a bit bigger and he told you so. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. And I do agree some women look much better with a fuller face, bigger boobs and bum as they look healthier and less gaunt.
Ultimately it should be your decision and yours only about what you decide to do.

Its odd isn't it when the things we pick at ourselves for, like weight, are actually something other people find really attractive.

You do you OP. If you feel a bit happier when you are lighter/fitter go for it. But as long as you are reasonably active and getting your calories from good food, good fats etc. I don't see any issues with a BMI under 30... or even over 30 if you are happy and well in yourself!

Losing weight did make me happier but also more self critical.

Ultimately it's up to you OP. Your DP has basically given you the go ahead to be whatever size makes you happy, and said he'll love you no matter.

So find a lifestyle/exercise/eating style that makes you happy and makes you feel healthy and doesn't make you feel self critical or too restricted.

If that's the size you were before, great, if it's the size you are now, also great, if it's somewhere in between or 80 lbs heavier, fucking wonderful.

If you lose a big amount of weight then it will take time for a partner to get used to it. My DH now prefers me how I am now, but it was a big adjustment for him.

He got stick from some mutual friends recently when he said it had taken him time to get used to it, but as I pointed out to them no-one would be shocked or offended if someone said "my wife has put on 11 stone, I originally preferred her how she was when I met her, but I've got used to it and I prefer it now". Losing the weight also completely changes your body.

And for a lot of people it changes how they live. Someone I know keeps telling people that her husband left her and some friends ditched her because she lost weight, but it wasn't that at all. Her only interest in life is running. She stopped mixing with people except runners. She critisised her husband and children constantly for their eating habits (they're all slim already). She stopped eating out, going to the cinema or anything that wasn't running and no matter what problem her friends had her only suggestion was running and she was nasty with it as well. for her husband he totally dictated their lives and after a couple of years people had had enough.

As long as your DP is supportive then that's what counts.

I sincerely hope you are also having conversations about his weight, size and health and what you find attractive too op?

OP if you want to lose body fat, but still retain a curvy shape, then weight training could really help. Building up muscle tone, particularly on your upper legs and bum, can really change your shape and you might find you are more at ease with how your body looks.

Are you sure he's not just saying this for selfish reasons?

I.e he feels better when youre larger, as you eat more, and he wont feel as guilty for his possibly unhealthy diet?

Most people's views of what is healthy and unhealthy is massively skewed nowadays. A BMI of 30 is obviously not healthy, despite what your partner may 'prefer'.

Ultimately it's none of his business what weight you choose to be.

I think it’s nice that he can be honest with you and would suspect it was probably more about familiarity than the actual weight. Lots of things can affect attractiveness and a lot of it can be with how confident you are and how settled you are in yourself. If you became more critical and restrictive with yourself and so less care free and happy when you were thinner this may be what he was picking up on more than you visually. Your body changes as you get older so it’s often these other parts that are key to keeping attraction. It is important to be healthy (and BMI is a good indicator) but BMI is not the be all and end all of it. Fat percentage and where that is stored is also a big factor in health. I believe some people are as healthy in a slightly overweight category as they are in a normal weight category by BMI standards. But if you were happier carrying less weight then that is what matters.

You don’t sound very happy with yourself - even when you talk about yourself at your lighter weight. How much emphasis do you place on your weight in terms of your happiness? I think it’s fine he prefers a curvier body - apparently it’s fine to prefer a slimmer body because that’s expected but to prefer a larger body must therefore be an indication of jealously or some other negative emotion. 🙄. It doesn’t mean you have to comply with anything - do what makes you happy ( but consider the fact you weren’t actually that happy at a lower weight.... maybe work on more body acceptance?). Also it can be truly boring to live with someone who is on a strict diet - especially if they talk about it a fair bit. I’ve been that person - I’ve turned down social events because I haven’t wanted to break whatever diet I was on at the time. Truly dull.

Maybe the difference between your old weight and your healthy weight was just such a big difference in appearance that he just likes the middle ground. That’s fine but shouldn’t have an impact on you saying/wanting/achieving a BMI of 23-24 to be “healthy”.

I am very self critical. I wanted to lose weight for years but never managed to drop more than a stone or two consistently.

I had thought that exercising would help with the loose skin but it didn't as much as I'd hoped. I was happy with myself in tights, trousers etc but my goal was always to wear a bikini and not feel that I looked a state, which I did. I worked really hard to lose that weight, getting to 11st took a lot of effort and sticking there (or losing more) would be the same. I'm not happy now but for different reasons, mainly because I have a wardrobe of clothes that are (mostly) too small.

Well done on losing the weight btw. That is a great feat. How did you keep losing? Did you stall? I am stuck with about a stone more I would like to lose and it is just not budging.

It's very tough isn't it when you pin your hopes on if only I were slimmer and then you get there and it's not all it's cracked up to be.

If you are happy as you are you could try eating maintenance calories and weight training which would give definition to your curves.

I love my boobs when I am bigger and my waist when I am smaller but I can't seem to have both together sadly. We are our own worst critics and enemies at time!

It might not just be your weight but how you are when carrying more weight. Speaking from my own experience of losing a lot, I didn’t really know who I was a smaller weight. It’s weird, everyone thinks you’re thin now and should be happy but I wasn’t happy and I was still unhappy with my body. I wasn’t carrying as much fat but I could still see the fat, add into that that my skin was saggy on my bust. At my slimmest (similar size to you) I didn’t like going without a bra because my boobs were so deflated. I’d prefer to keep a bra on as we had sex. As I’ve put weight back on, they’ve filled out more and I’m more comfortable not wearing a bra now they’re bigger but now I hate my stomach and every other bit of me more. You’ve said you’re more self-critical now, he’s probably picking up on those criticisms and may see you as being more comfortable with yourself at this size. As I lost my weight, my husband lost weight with me just as a byproduct but didn’t lose as much as I did (didn’t need to). Outside of clothes, I had no complaints when he was his lowest weight but his face looks better carrying a bit of weight and he also looks a bit better in clothes with a bit more weight than his lowest. I haven’t told him but I will if he asks. I’m happy for him to be the weight he wants to be and I love him regardless.

All this self loathing. This is our one shot at life... the thought of spending it stressing about our boobs or our stomachs is so sad. What we do now in terms of exercise and fitness will have a influence on how fit and well we are in later life. Strength training for good bone density etc. That’s what the focus should be on... I just find it demoralising.