To insist legal stuff go through solicitor only?

[albustydumbledore]

Child contact. I am self repping. He has solicitor.
He told me to take him to court to change one aspect and refused to even discuss it out of court and he's very hostile. We've had a few hearings all through solicitor.

I want things to improve with contact and have offered more. I'd like to keep our communication to just talking about the child. Eg I forgot to drop this off/do they need this/ how are they ect. But he has sent a lot of txts to me asking for screenshots of things I'd mentioned in court, details of who I'd spoken to in which department ect which he obviously wants for his case/solicitor. I'd provide the info to his solicitor if asked but want to keep child focused with him or it won't stop. He's like that. I also don't want to be put under the stress of being asked for screenshots and things like that to be used in evidence against me. Wouldn't his solicitor have to ask for this or it be up to me to provide in evidence?

Do I just ignore these messages or ask for him to go through solicitor? How can I do this politely or would I be being unreasonable?

Just because his solicitor asks doesn't mean you have to provide. They are only representing his interests remember that.

I wouldn't send anything unless the court asks you or it's clearly reasonable or in your favour.

@cupofdecaf at this stage it's just him asking by txt message. Do you think it would look unreasonable if I declined?

@cupofdecaf

Just because his solicitor asks doesn't mean you have to provide. They are only representing his interests remember that.

I wouldn't send anything unless the court asks you or it's clearly reasonable or in your favour.

only what the court requests only, he can take a run and jump.

I'm not really sure what kind of things he's asking you for, but no I wouldn't provide anything. You're possibly building a case against yourself.
Just tell him anything non child related is to come through a solicitor. You also don't have to provide anything, even to a solicitor, unless it's requested by a court.

[quote albustydumbledore]@cupofdecaf at this stage it's just him asking by txt message. Do you think it would look unreasonable if I declined?[/quote]
No it's not unreasonable to put in boundaries. Child contact stuff only. Anything else from solicitor.

Remember though that unless the court asks for it you don't have to provide. Whatever his solicitor tells you.

Just tell him once that you will be ignoring all texts from him that are not directly related to your child's care. He can do whatever he wants with that information. And then completely ignore any further requests. If he mentions it in person, either don't respond or just repeatedly say 'I've told you I will not reply to any texts requesting information'. I wouldn't even send any information if his solicitor asked. Why should you contribute to building a case for him?

I'm taking a wild guess that he was a bit controlling during your relationship?

Don't send him or his solicitor anything unless court requests, he's trying to build a case against you don't be a mug. You're free of him now so please don't let him manipulate you. You can do this!

@MsVestibule "I'm taking a wild guess that he was controlling in your relationship"
On a level you wouldn't believe

@netstaller I thought as much. I'm in a much better place now. 8 years after ending it I'm happily married and peaceful, I can't think of anything worse than taking a step back to letting him put me under stress daily.

As the others have said, don't do it. When you provide it you're showing him what evidence you have and he will use this information to counter attack

Remember a solicitor will write whatever a twat will ask them to. My exh had me sent
a letter demanding I removed my new blinds as he could no longer see into my house...
As if!!

Itsrainingnotmen I've read a lot of unbelievable stuff on MN, but that's right up there!! How embarrassed must his solicitor have been 😀?

Super polite and distant. Imagine you're communicating with a person you don't know.

Hi X, any issues relating to the court case will only be discussed via solicitor. Let's keep our text exchanges focused on X's care and wellbeing, and for communicating on those issues only. All the best'

And just send that text, or a shorter variant of it, every. single. time. he pushes.

No 'I've already asked you...' or anything like that. Same text. Blank computer says no PA smiley style. :) Same reply, every time. He will give up. And you will have shown, if your refusal is a polite request to focus on the child only, that you are reasonable.

A word of caution. The family court is very much a court of "appearance". Whilst you may not be required to provide information; when you stand before a judge who is utterly ambivalent and on his 4th case before lunch - ask yourself - how will this look?

If it looks like you have been obstructive, and refusing to communicate and share information then it might colour the judge's opinion. Such that you may be asked to provide the information anyway. The solicitor could well ask for this to ensure that it is in the pre-hearing bundle. The directions hearing will usually direct you to issue a bundle to the court and to the other sides solicitor well in advance.

Issuing it to the court only at 1030 the night before is looked on very poorly by the court and can easily cost you the case. Judges have seen it all before, and more besides.

Whilst a LIP is given considerable leeway by the court - there is a lot of procedure that you will need to comply with.

And whilst a solicitor will write as they are directed -they are being paid for and will give advice. IF he is a nightmare client - they can withdraw themselves

@Itsrainingnotmen no way! I can't believe a solicitor would think it was ok to write that. What planet were they on

@ummnamechange I am happy to provide the evidence to the court or solicitor if asked to. I fully expect that. It's more the case that He's asking for evidence from me now and we're not even close to the next hearing yet. I feel he will just ask for more and build up a counter case.

Would I be seen as unreasonable to send something like what pp suggested politely and provide whatever is asked for when it's asked for by the court or solicitor? He's wording his txts to me as if he is a solicitor.

i'd def be keeping all evidence and screen shots from him, even texts telling you he'd just sneezed.

Agree with above. You don't want to look obstructive. But...

• you're self repping. You'll provide the data to the solicitor, and if you make sure it's NOT 10.30 the night before, and make a simple statement that your ex has a history of using situations like this to continue harassment of you so you have not engaged with this via text but only with solicitor as he originally decreed - fine.

• you are 8 years post-separation and remarried. Your child must be at least 10? - and YOU are the one who wants there to be more contact... so - how badly CAN it go for you? You aren't fearing having to hand over a baby to an aggressive shit dad here. It would help to know the details but if i were you I would politely refuse to engage with it all over text.

Maybe add 'I will be happy to send your solicitor details you require - please get in touch officially'

the chances are that he has been advised by his solicitor.

Only you know the content of stuff he is asking for. He might be fishing or he might be making a perfectly reasonable request for information regarding his children as he continues to have parental responsibility. To be honest - if it is stuff relating to the children - you would want to know.

There is stuff that is privileged - ie between you and a legal advisor. But if it is material like a conversation with a school about homework - then it will look like you are the good guy by sharing.

My advice is to seek advice. From a family solicitor. And avoid one that offer "free 30 min consult" It isnt free - you still pay for it - or it isnt any good. Get a good one, discuss your concerns, listen to the advice and then act on it.

An hour or so with a good one will put your mind at rest and give clear guidance as to what to do.

in the meantime - i can recommend - sorry lighthearted!

As said above courts look at appearances and the bottom line is 99% of child contact issues are kept out of court and parents agree them and courts much prefer that. The driving force behind it is all is to encourage parents to reach agreements so solicitors trying to reach agreements without expensive court hearings, trying to encourage compromise on both sides is really important and very good.

however here you want to change one aspect of the contact and he will not even discuss it! Normally it could be negotiated so perhaps make sure your communications to his lawyer keep repeating - my court application for X is only going to court because husband will not reach a compromise over this.

You certainly do not need to engage in lots of contact with your ex.

Your ex's solicitor is acting in his interests. You don't (and shouldn't ) be providing something just because they ask for it. I realise that you were in a controlling relationship so would find it hard to know the difference of dancing to his tune for his amusement and not being legally obstructive but you need to only provide info that the court asks and his solicitor can go through the formal process of getting that from you rather than writing a phishing letter because your ex paid him to write that. Ex doesn't need screenshots of conversations but might need the name of the teacher at your child's school who they've had counselling with. He can then contact that teacher himself if he needs evidence.
Don't forget that just because his solicitor says to do something it doesn't mean you have to legally do it. You can pay solicitors to say whatever you want - I remember one poster getting a letter from her ex's solicitor demanding that she change her surname because wife 2 didn't like the fact that op kept her name Obviously everybody had a good laugh and told her to ignore

I would put details but just worried it might be identifying in some way.
Child has ASD and I'm trying to get dad to be more supportive of this by making an adjustment to the current environment that child is currently struggling with. It isn't a big adjustment to him at all by any means. But it's really affecting child and he refuses to do it and goes as far as he can to make things there as different as possible to child's routine/ environment here and at this stage child is really struggling.

He's denying he's doing this saying no changes need to be made, and asking me for screenshots of times he's said what it's like there. I have them, and happy to give to court but it's what he will ask for next, will I be drawn into some kind of argument, will he come up with some kind of story (lies his way out of everything).
Child sleepwalks and bedwets there. a few simple changes could really make the world of difference that he refuses to discuss.

I just want things to roll along nicely and sort it in court. As much as that might look unreasonable had he not refused to discuss it I wouldn't. Have to. And I tried relentlessly.

He's asking for screenshots of previous txt messages he's sent, who I have spoken to at camhs and when, where does it go. I just want to keep nice and peaceful. Especially with a child with special needs and the Covid situation.

I would keep it detached. He sounds to be collecting info to save paying a solicitor to do it.

I probably would provide the contact at CAMHS but literally just the name, because inevitably they would support what you're suggesting he put in place.
But copies of text messages etc I would ignore, it sounds like he wonders how much evidence YOU have of his obstinate position, he's viewing it all as a weighed up criminal situation of who is wrong. When really the court is there to consider your child's needs. His focus is way off and the court will see that.

He also tried to have me arrested for assault as I shut MY own back door as he had his foot wedged into it to keep it open!!
I was actually interviewed but not arrested!! He made an obviously false allegation about my them bf throwing water bombs at him. 30 + shaven haired /bearded man.
It was my under 10 ds with long floppy hair!! Not sure how he wasn't charged with wasting police time. Copper did have a cuppa and a chuckle about that one - as did the station he told me!!

Having read your last update yanbu to detach. It's up to him to chase CAMHS for details of what might have been said when. It sounds like he's applying pressure to make you back down or be a general angry nuisance.

As someone said earlier go to court and keep on repeating "I have offered a compromise but X will not discuss this with me" which is putting your son at the forefront and stops muddying the real issues with details that don't matter like screenshots of conversations.