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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

29 weeks pregnant. Dh is 52. I’m riddled with anxiety about baby’s health.

38 replies

omgitcantbetrue · 08/09/2020 07:59

I so desperately wanted a third child. My two are 14 and 10. I’m 39 and at the time it felt like now or never.
Basically, as soon as I got pregnant a deep feeling of doom took over me and I’ve honestly not been able to enjoy a minute of this pregnancy. I didn’t even consider DH age. Honestly didn’t cross my mind. I’ve since understood the many health implications for the child in having an older father and am obsessed that my baby’s health is compromised.
I don’t want to offend anyone, but I can’t deal with the reality of what I’ve done, the potential life long consequences for baby, myself and my family. I’m not sleeping and having waves of pure panic. I’ve not bought a single thing for baby, or bonded at all.

OP posts:
TheHappyHerbivore · 08/09/2020 08:03

Speak to your midwife OP - this sounds like it could be the makings of PND, and they will be able to help you.

Presumably you’ve had your anomaly scan by now - I know not all health conditions show up on that, but many do. It’s a good sign if that came back clear.

It’s still much more likely than not that your baby is healthy. Try to hold on to that feeling for reassurance Flowers

Original poster
omgitcantbetrue · 08/09/2020 08:41

Nothing anyone says or does seems to help snap me out of this. It’s been going on for months. I’m so sure that something is wrong. It’s constant panic and regret.

OP posts:
ssd · 08/09/2020 08:43

You need to speak to a professional. Like your consultant.

CheesePleaseLoueese · 08/09/2020 08:44

I'm almost 40 and over the past two years I've had two babies with a man ten years older than me. Both children are absolutely fine. In fact it is my older child (born when I was in my 20s and with a man the same age) who had a birth "defect" (which is thankfully one which is live-able with..)

You honestly can't tell in life. Yes, your risk is raised the older you (and your partner) become but it is still more likely than not that all will be fine.

Have you had either of your anomaly scans yet?

Dyrne · 08/09/2020 08:45

I second the advice to speak to your midwife, don’t play down your fears - having a little bit of concern is normal but it sounds like you’re fixating on this to an unhealthy degree. From what you’ve said, facts and figures about the true level of (small) risk won’t reassure you, so I think you need to talk to someone about how you’re feeling.

Serenschintte · 08/09/2020 08:45

Hi I would agree about going to the Gp or speak to your midwife. There is also something called pre natal depression. I know I had it. Please open up and talk with your midwife.
Your baby will be loved by you and your DH. Just because he is 52 wont change the love and older parents have more life experience than younger ones. Plus your child will have two older siblings to love and care for them too

Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily · 08/09/2020 08:45

What issues are you worried about? I am having my third. My first was born when DH was 48, Second when DH was 51 and this one DH will be 52. They don't have any health issues, if that is reassuring? PM me if you want x

Original poster
omgitcantbetrue · 08/09/2020 08:55

I’n fixated on Autism.
My very dear best friends son has severe Autism. Honestly, I just don’t know how I’d cope. The impact on my kids would be huge. I can’t understand my own naivite in not considering the reality.
I’m crying so much, and am unable to even consider that things might be ok. No offence to anyone. I’m not resilient.

OP posts:
JKRisaqueen · 08/09/2020 08:58

It's health anxiety. See a therapist

Zoecarter · 08/09/2020 08:58

I think it’s more your age that will affect the baby’s health rarther then your husbands. As we are born with our eggs and men make fresh sperm.

MsVestibule · 08/09/2020 09:01

You poor thing. It's awful to feel so negatively about something you wanted so much. How does your DH feel about it? Did he want a third child as much as you did? Is he being supportive?

How have you been feeling generally about the pandemic? Is there any chance you've transferred your anxieties about that into your pregnancy? Sorry, not trying to be an armchair psychologist!

SnackBitch2020 · 08/09/2020 09:01

Agree that this is health anxiety and you need to seek support.
My daughter's dad was 51 was she was born, she has no issues.
Hope you feel better soon Thanks

rorosemary · 08/09/2020 09:03

@omgitcantbetrue

I’n fixated on Autism. My very dear best friends son has severe Autism. Honestly, I just don’t know how I’d cope. The impact on my kids would be huge. I can’t understand my own naivite in not considering the reality. I’m crying so much, and am unable to even consider that things might be ok. No offence to anyone. I’m not resilient.
Most people with autism don't have it so severe though. My dad, brother, nephew and niece all have ASD. They're all wonderful people with quite normal lives. The only thing is that in some situations you need to take more time to explain things in babysteps where it would be obvious to neurotypical people. Also, they thrive better with clear rules that are followed through. It's not the end of the world.
wishing3 · 08/09/2020 09:04

The father’s age is not a thing to be worrying about. As a fellow sufferer you have bad anxiety and I think that this just happens to be the thing that it is focussing on. Please call your GP to see how they can help to dig you out of this horrible place. Xxx

CulturallyAppropriatedName · 08/09/2020 09:05

If you are worried about autism look to the wider family. It runs in families, including mine. There is some speculation (as far as I recall) that the older dads autism link may be to do with the later social maturation of autistic people and therefore higher likelihood of being a father at an older age.

I know you don't mean it, and fear is natural, but autism really isn't a tragedy for many, many families. My eldest (with my husband's 29 year old sperm) is most severely affected and he finds things hard but he certainly doesn't need to be feared or pitied. There are so many worse things out there.

Original poster
omgitcantbetrue · 08/09/2020 09:06

@msvestibule DH is a pragmatic sort, he’s not got the band with to take on my worries. It’s got to be exhausting for him and he’s sort of ran out of steam. As nothing seems to allow my mind respite from worry.
Yes I was worried about the pandemic before

OP posts:
Original poster
omgitcantbetrue · 08/09/2020 09:19

He’s actually quite angry with me. He’s angry that I’m not enjoying the pregnancy and is sick of my worst scenario mindset. He’s angry about the pit of worry that the baby is living in and needs me to stop crying.

OP posts:
Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily · 08/09/2020 09:19

I have shared that fear if I'm honest. More so after birth and as they have gotten older. But they don't show any signs of it, I think knowing it was a risk makes you over think it and question it more. Seeing the figures can cause concern. I would speak to your midwife or HV when they get assigned to you and get some support and reassurance.

ChocoholicMama · 08/09/2020 09:28

It's health anxiety as others have said. You need to speak to your consultant or a GP and be very clear with the level of anxiety and how badly this is affecting your life and wellbeing. Do not downplay this. There are very safe meds you can go on if necessary and (for me at least) they make the world of difference (I'm also pregnant and on sertraline). Chances are there's nothing wrong with your baby, and if they do have Autism, the majority function perfectly well with it and do not have limits to their, or their families, quality of life. I could be wrong but I don't think age is a major factor in a baby having autism, young parents are just as likely to have a child with a similar diagnosis. Fixation on a particular health condition is clear health anxiety. I assure you, this will not clear up without help so please please speak to someone. You'll feel so much better when you have some form of treatment Flowers

BraveBananaBadge · 08/09/2020 09:29

@Serenschintte

Hi I would agree about going to the Gp or speak to your midwife. There is also something called pre natal depression. I know I had it. Please open up and talk with your midwife. Your baby will be loved by you and your DH. Just because he is 52 wont change the love and older parents have more life experience than younger ones. Plus your child will have two older siblings to love and care for them too
Just to second this, @Serenschintte. I also experienced pre natal depression with my second and was fortunate my midwife & hospital took it really seriously. I had extra appointments with a specialist mental health midwife and they kept a close eye on me in case it turned into PND after, but in my case all was well immediately after birth and we bonded fine. Tell your midwife asap.
ChocoholicMama · 08/09/2020 09:29

And explain to DH it's health anxiety, or show him this thread. It'll help him to understand that it's not your fault your crying and fixated on this. He needs to be supportive, not angry, but to be able to do that he needs to understand this is not something you can control.

ChocoholicMama · 08/09/2020 09:30

You're*

Idontbelieveit12 · 08/09/2020 09:31

It does sound like you are worrying unnecessarily. You need some support with that. Anyone any age can have a child with autism.

MissHoney85 · 08/09/2020 09:39

My dad was 51 when I was born and it's never been an issue for me. I'm now 35 and expecting my first, and I have similar worries about my child having some kind of special needs - not especially because of the age of either me or DH, I think that's just a natural part of preparing for a baby. It's always going to be a gamble you take when you have a child. I have faith that most people end up being capable of whatever life throws at them though, and hopefully I would be no different.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/09/2020 09:40

My grandparents were both old when my mum was born, she was a menopause surprise! Nana was 45, Grandad 56. Absolutely nothing wrong with my mum. I was born when my mum was 24 and my dad 25, I'm autistic, which is absolutely fine, no one even knew until I realised as an adult.

An older parent doesn't mean a guaranteed disabled or autistic child.

Autism is not guaranteed to ruin anyones life, autistics can be quite incredible people and for many it's benefits outweigh its difficulties.