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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be jealous

65 replies

JustKeepSwimming90 · 08/09/2020 05:34

Morning all. (Name changed for this)

Just wanting a rant more than anything. I know I’ve made my own bed etc but please be nice, feeling on the verge of a breakdown right now.

So not to drip feed ... Me and “d”H have had some issues over the past few years and I’ve posted on here before about them, but they boil down to him being a cheating, lying arse. I’ve recently found out that he has been back in contact with the women he left me for, though I’ve not told him I know this yet. He also doesn’t work. No particular reason why. We have no kids. He has kids from a previous relationship.

But my AIBU is not really about that... I have a demanding stressful job, which often involves long hours, late nights etc. I’m working from home atm so able to stop early evening to cook tea etc before carrying on for the night.

I’m becoming increasingly jealous of my DHs carefree lifestyle. As I write he is asleep on the sofa after going out with his brother last night and getting hammered. He doesn’t have to worry about early mornings, deadlines, holding down a job to keep food on the table etc.

All the while I’m awake half the night tossing and turning worrying about work etc, worrying what would happen if I lost my job etc. With the other issues as well I feel on the verge of a huge breakdown. Not that he seems interested. According to the messages I’ve seen he seems more concerned with OWs wellbeing then mine.

Is it wrong that I’m jealous of his carefree attitude and the fact that he can do what he wants when he wants with no consequences?!

OP posts:
Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 08/09/2020 08:01

What is the point of him?

Really you need to get rid, as this is ridiculous.

CherryPavlova · 08/09/2020 08:02

I guess the way to see the answer is to depersonalise it a little and ask yourself a few questions.
Would you tell your daughter/sister/best friend to build a long term relationship with a partner who;
Was unfaithful
Lied
Lazy
Dependent financially
A poor role model for his children
Insensitive
Drunk
A parasite, basically

What are his particular strengths? What does he contribute? That happy go lucky attitude may appeal at an early point in a relationship, particularly if it looks like everything we aren’t but someone needs to mow the grass, clean the windows, take out the rubbish and swap the laundry around in addition to paying the bills.

Use your head not just your emotions when deciding on a long term partner.

23trains · 08/09/2020 08:08

Look at the practical side of things and start working through a list. I know you’re stressed and tired but you can leave him, just take it one step at a time.

Do you own or rent?

SurreyHillsGirl · 08/09/2020 08:10

Really, OP, you must see what a total doormat you are being. For the sake of your sanity, dump the rubbish where it belongs.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 08/09/2020 08:15

Good god, get rid of him, he's work shy and a cheat! You clearly deserve better. I can't believe you stop working to make dinner, why on earth can he not do it?

LouiseTrees · 08/09/2020 08:19

Sell his stuff to pay his upkeep. Leave him with one pair of trousers , a shirt and shoes. 1 pair of jeans, a t-shirt and trainers. I.E. one interview outfit and 1 work outfit if he was eg working in a factory. ( Please don’t do this but if we were able to act in the extreme wouldn’t it be funny!)

CousinDolores · 08/09/2020 08:20

God. Usually on threads like this, the OP justifies staying with the cheating freeloader by claiming 'he's a great cook and does loads round the house'. But I see you're in charge of meals too.

In the words of everyone on the Crystal Maze, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.

Palavah · 08/09/2020 08:21

OP, What's the best thing that could happen when you chuck him out?

ZooKeeper19 · 08/09/2020 08:37

@JustKeepSwimming90 yeah please. Just send him on his way. Like tonight.

What is his point? To make you miserable while you work your ass off to provide tea (WTAF!) for him while he sleeps off a hangover and ponders about the OW's worries?

Please have some respect for yourself and kick that cheating lying lazy good for nothing waste of space right out. OW can provide tea tomorrow!

NettleTea · 08/09/2020 08:44

well, he wont have a life to be jealous of once you show him the door.

So if you want to adress the inequality and the jealousy, take action that means he wont have a life to be jealous of, off the back of your hard work.

He wont get away with doing nothing at your expense once he needs to feed, clothe and house himself, and clean his own filthy lying pants

Billben · 08/09/2020 08:50

Jesus almighty OP, you are not going to be hurting any more if you divorce him than you are hurting now.
Why on earth would anybody willingly live like this? The man clearly doesn’t love you or have any respect for you he just knows he’s got a good thing going and is stringing you along.
The OW must also be an idiot for going with a married man who doesn’t bother working and just lives off somebody else.

ssd · 08/09/2020 08:53

@JustKeepSwimming90

I’m struggling to see past lunchtime let alone any future.

I do know the answer, I’m just not sure I’m in the right place mentally to make that leap

It's not a leap. It's necessity. Just stop it for gods sake.
SerenDippitty · 08/09/2020 09:00

You’ve got yourself a cocklodger. Why put up with him especially when you have no children? What attracted you to him in the first place?

giantangryrooster · 08/09/2020 09:31

Yes you got your very own cocklodger. What does he bring apart from (being) a dick?

You can do this without him, might be easier on your mh after the initial heartache. Get some self-respect and boundaries.

Onwards etc.

MinnieJackson · 08/09/2020 09:48

Why doesn't he work? Do you support him or does he have his own money? I wouldn't be jealous of him (as an outsider) he sounds pitiful. You need a break, but would you really want his lifestyle? Where's the drive and ambition? Is he a good dad? How old is he?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2020 09:49

@JustKeepSwimming90

I’m struggling to see past lunchtime let alone any future.

I do know the answer, I’m just not sure I’m in the right place mentally to make that leap

Writing it down here and talking to us about is a step in that direction though. You are worth more than to be treated in such a shoddy way, you know that, keep telling yourself that until it sinks in
WALKING2 · 08/09/2020 09:49

You are with someone who is a confirmed cheat, a lazy ass and basically does as he pleases whilst you are worrying, putting up with it and doing most of the work.

You know the answer of course. It is in your own hands.

Your are risking your health for someone who doesn't appear to care anything for you at all. Do what is right for you.

WALKING2 · 08/09/2020 09:53

Do you have a joint mortgage/rent? Could you afford on your own? Draw up a income and outgoings sheet for you. See a solicitor if you have a property you own.

Dump him/kick him out or move out depending on whether you own etc. Live your life for you - you could be so much happier healthier etc on your own. He sounds pointless and you are enabling him to be a pointless lazy idiot. Stop doing it. The resentment will grow and grown and grow.... why do that to yourself?

Good luck, be strong and look after you.

ItalianHat · 08/09/2020 09:55

I’ve recently found out that he has been back in contact with the women he left me for

Well, you know what the sexists say: "When a man marries his mistress, it creates a vacancy." Sounds like your "D" H was one of those men.

He sounds like a sexist arse. Divorce him. He'll then have to stop freeloading on you, and work to feed himself.

LilyLongJohn · 08/09/2020 09:57

You'll probably find your mental health issues are directly linked to the arsehole you're living with! Get rid of him and chances are your mental health will improve

My mental health was never worse than when I lived with someone I didn't trust, who seemed to prefer other women to me and was a lazy, selfish twat. I started to feel so much better when I only had myself to worry about.

Moomin12345 · 08/09/2020 10:01

He is a cheating lazy drain on your life, health, wellbeing and presumably finances. What do you expect if you keep putting up with this? He knows there won't be consequences as instead of leaving him you'll probably give him another boring lecture about chores and the OW.

ODFOx · 08/09/2020 10:03

Oh my Lovely, you are just broken down with work and worry aren't you?
I completely understand why you are struggling to find the energy to act.
Except you know, deep down, that it isn't going to get better and if you don't act things will only get worse ... which adds to your stress and makes you less able to help yourself.
This is what friends and family are for. Talk to a friend you trust (or even a counsellor) to help you organise your thoughts and decide how you want to proceed. Then call on someone who will help with logistics and practicalities. Whether you pack up his stuff and change the locks or pack up your stuff and get out of there, you'll need some physical help. Call your family, or a friend ( or several), or even a local charity. You need some help, so don't worry about asking for it.
I can absolutely promise you that even if you are terrified immediately after and before the big leap, even then there will be an undercurrent of relief and your mental health will improve almost immediately.
tThere are people onMN who can help you organise your thoughts and plan for the future if you don't want to share in RL yet.
Just ask.

Ceilingfan · 08/09/2020 10:03

OP, you will wish you had left sooner when ypu do leave and the massive burden of a man sized weight is lifted off your shoulders.

He is contributing to you feeling like this, using you as a free hotel service.

Everything you have put is wrong, you shouldn't be coming in and cooking, he should be cooking, qrw you paying for the nights out too?

💐 Put yourself first

MatildaTheCat · 08/09/2020 10:07

You sound absolutely at the end of your rope. Could you take some leave from work and go away for a few days to recharge and think clearly? Of course this nonsense needs to end but you need to get a bit stronger to move forward.

Do you have friends or family to support you? If so start there and start talking truthfully about how you feel. Make a plan and, if possible get support in executing that plan.

Best wishes.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 08/09/2020 10:11

LTB. This will destroy you.