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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when this ends?

38 replies

AnonMcAnonanon · 07/09/2020 22:10

I have one DD aged 9 months. I am a SAHM. My DP works 9-5 mon-fri.
I cannot cope anymore I need a break. Recently she has been horrific. Crying and an awful whinging noise for no reason. Can’t leave the room, can’t put her down. Constantly fighting sleep and waking up in the night. DP, her dad, does fuck all but moan at me. Yet I’m up at 3am with her cos she wakes up. I have her by my side 24/7 and he’ll watch me sit her on my knee whilst I go to the toilet without offering help.
When will I start enjoying being a SAHM cow I cannot fucking cope anymore I feel like caving my head in.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonMcAnonanon · 07/09/2020 22:11

cos - not cow

OP posts:
LovingLola · 07/09/2020 22:15

Your dp is a bastard.
How fucking dare he moan at you!

Next Saturday morning tell him that you are going out for 4 hours
And go.

Original poster
AnonMcAnonanon · 07/09/2020 22:17

I can’t go out without taking DD unless it’s to the corner shop

OP posts:
BonnieMcflurry · 07/09/2020 22:18

It doesn't I'm up now with my 14 month old and my partner done duck all help all day

ifoundthebread · 07/09/2020 22:19

In all honesty I dont think there comes a times when you enjoy it, it just becomes more bearable as the child gets older. Sorry, but that's my experience. I gave up work to be a sahm nearly 6 year ago and I'm now starting to find it easier (although in that time I had another child). At 9 months I'm pretty sure children go through a developmental phase about separation and they try to glue themselves to you. Its Its unfortunately one of those phases you just have to work through, your partner being useless isn't something you have to put up with. Tell him how you feel but try do it without attacking him (easier said than done, I know) and that way he wont get defensive and may actually listen.

Original poster
AnonMcAnonanon · 07/09/2020 22:22

I’ve tried to, he asked me what “more do I fucking want” “he goes to work and I can’t even tidy the house” the house is tidy except DDs toys which I put away after bed time

OP posts:
LovingLola · 07/09/2020 22:43

He sounds awful .
Does he have any redeeming features?
What’s your financial situation?

Happyspud · 07/09/2020 22:49

He sounds like he's already an entitled, selfish prick. And verbally and emotionally abusive.

It's hard but you'd be better off out of this relationship. Sooner rather than later.

FlyingPandas · 07/09/2020 22:51

Your dd is not the problem, op.

Your partner is.

If he was being a decent father - sharing the care of the baby, his baby! - and actually spending time with her, you’d get a natural break anyway. 9m is a hard stage because often they are frustrated at not being able to crawl or walk - it is also a key age for separation anxiety hence the whingeing and crying etc. That will pass.

What won’t pass is your partner’s attitude to your child. He needs to step up. Without meaning to be rude, 9-5 is a not a long working day, anyone able to clock off at 5 has an easy life in all honesty and there is no reason or excuse as to why he can’t then step up and spend time with dd once he’s home.

I think you need to ask yourself whether the relationship itself is worth it tbh.

OwlinaTree · 07/09/2020 22:52

Would you consider going back to work and using some form of child care? It would give you a break.

ifoundthebread · 07/09/2020 22:54

Tell him what more you fucking want. Tell him you want a partner not a man child, so fuck he goes to work 9-5, pat on the back to him. When does your shift end? Yeah you might not be pulling in a wage but your duties dont stop, ever. And by the sounds of it his parenting duties dont start.

LittleOwl153 · 07/09/2020 22:54

Why are you a stay at home parent? It isnt the right thing for everyone. Can you go back to work/ get a job?

As for your partner.... when you need the toilet dont take the baby, pass her to him it wont kill him. But dont ask kr wait for him to offer - he isnt going to! And yeah make that corner shop walk a 4hr one at the weekend let him see how he gets on.

Notapheasantplucker · 07/09/2020 22:55

Why are you even with him

YouBoggleMyMind · 07/09/2020 22:57

Get rid of your useless partner for starters. No one should be treating or speaking to you like that.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/09/2020 23:28

Your problem is your dickhead partner. Of he doesn't help then he is probably just making your life harder. I imagine any love I had for someone would evaporate in the face of them being such a selfish wanker.

The baby will get easier as they get older. Around 10 months babies get the idea of object permanence, which tends to make it easier to leave the room without them. Personally I found parenting a real slog until about 18 months when my dc started to sleep a bit better.

FusionChefGeoff · 07/09/2020 23:30

What a twat

managedmis · 07/09/2020 23:36

Get rid of DP and get a job.

june2007 · 07/09/2020 23:52

Get a job, or even engage in some voluntary work. You need a sensible non arqueing conversation with oh about the devision of labour and parenting in general.

ThursdayAfterNext · 07/09/2020 23:59

I think it will get easier once the baby groups start up. I'm not a sahm, but am on my second maternity leave period. My first was a lot easier as I went to lots of baby groups which helped me make some mum friends who could sympathise with what I was going through when I was going through it because they were all at the same stage too. It also helped establish my DS's sleep and he would always have a good nap after baby sensory class compared to if we were just at home, and this gave me an hour or so just to have a cuppa or a nap myself.

This maternity leave has been so much harder and more isolating. My DS1 is starting nursery now though so I'm hoping to find some classes for DS2 soon as I think this will definitely help. Do you go to any classes? Have you got any support outside of DP?

During both maternity leave periods the housework went to shit. Your job is sah-mum, not sah-cleaner. DP needs to pull his weight.

But...Why are you taking DD with you to the toilet if your DP is there? Give DD to him. Please. He can't learn to parent if he isn't given the opportunity to. Let him settle/soothe/sing to her.

LittleBearPad · 08/09/2020 00:02

Your partner is the problem not your dd.

Is she teething

Babyroobs · 08/09/2020 00:03

Seriously your DP needs a kick up the arse and needs to do some parenting. Your dd could be just getting to that stage where she has some seperation issues, it will pass. Go out for the day or something at the weekend and tell him he needs to step up. You need a serious conversation with him.

MomToTwoBabas · 08/09/2020 00:09

I coped by going back to work it was like having a break. You can make yourself a coffee at work, chit chat with collegues. Only time I loved going to work.

Reviewsplease · 08/09/2020 00:21

I think pps have covered most of what I thought

At 9 months they go through a developmental leap and they whinge and cry for no reason. It's a pain but leaving them wont hurt them. Have you got a jumperoo or door jumper you can put Baby in while you do things?
Also there is an app called wonder weeks which explains developmental leaps. It may help you to understand and recognise why and when these behaviours happen. It's a horrible cry they have too but honestly you will recognise the difference between la "I'm in pain need something" cry and a " I just want to be a pain in the arse" cry

This is my 2nd time round and it has been harder without the baby groups or regular meet ups with other mums. Do you have any other mums you can make a WhatsApp group with that you can ask questions or generally rant to? Even though I am on my 2nd I have forgotten loads of things and the other mums just help to remind me or put stuff into perspective or come up with solutions I hadnt thought of.

If baby is getting really whiney put them in the pushchair and go for a walk. Even if its raining. The change of scene and fresh air can really help

And now your partner.... honestly I think some men think it's the 1950s. My dh works 7-4 and cause of lockdown he is at home. He makes me tea in the morning, will sort the toddler out and sometimes help me get one of them dressed. During the day he pops out of his office and makes me tea or comes to my rescue If i need help. When he finishes he makes dinner and helps look after the children and does bedtime with us

If he was in the office he would do the morning tea, help where he could and then when back home make dinner etc

If he moans that something is untidy I tell him what he can do.... he either sorts it himself or shuts up cause I do what I can.

Now the youngest is a bit more mobile and the older is in nursery more I have got more time for doing things which helps but there have been days where i sat on the sofa with a sleeping baby and watched alot of telly.

Dont under estimate the mental load having a child puts on you and you need a partner that helps to lighten that load not add to it. He either needs to help you or put up and shut up.

Also he needs to be a father. He help create that baby so he can help to raise it to.

QueSera · 08/09/2020 00:32

It is better to be a single parent than to be with a shitty partner who makes you feel like shit.

NeverHadANickname · 08/09/2020 02:32

My 11 month old is still clingy and up through the night. Some days I am exhausted and can find the monotony of doing the same thing day in day out so draining. My DH works 50 hours a week as a minimum. The difference between my situation and yours? My DH will take DS to the shop on a weekend to give me a couple of hours peace which they both love and is good for their bonding. He will take him into the garden to play, have a bath with him, anything so that he gets to spend time with him and I can do my own thing. He will also cook tea regularly when he gets home, does more than his fair share of housework and has never once complained about doing it or the days when I havent managed to do a single thing. You need better support. I was going to say I am lucky that my DH is like he is but why should we think ourselves lucky that we have a partner that pulls his weight? Your DH needs to step up and be the Dad and partner you and your child deserve. You will find your life a lot easier and more enjoyable if he does. But will he?

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