New guy doesn't talk between dates

lasangoles · 2020-09-07T13:23:16+00:00

Doesn't bother me massively but I find it a bit difficult never talking. If I message him he often logs in to his WhatsApp but doesn't reply sometimes for up to 24 hours. Things are amazing when we're together, but literally between every date I convince myself he's not interested as I hardly hear from him. Are some people just like this or is he just not that interested? It makes me very aware of not wanting to text him or ask him about it as I definitely don't want to find across as needy (which I'm not!)

Original poster

lasangoles · 07/09/2020 14:28

Obviously nobody on here will know if he's disinterested or not. Just not been in this situation before. The lack of communication is odd to me

OP posts:

MildDrPepperAddiction · 07/09/2020 14:30

My bet is he has a wife or girlfriend already. I could be wrong....but....

Original poster

lasangoles · 07/09/2020 14:32

@MildDrPepperAddiction he definitely doesn't. We have mutual friends who can confirm this.

OP posts:

PurdyFlower · 07/09/2020 14:35

He sounds like a guy I was dating for a while. Amazing and attentive on dates but terrible inbetween. At the beginning in made me feel really insecure and wondering if I’d said/ did something wrong.

I then figured that’s just what he was like - never picks his phone up when he was with me, had a busy work life/ active social life, so I presume the same was true in all aspects of his life. Nice on the one hand that he values the people he’s with but also got to the point where I’d ask if he wanted to go out on x day and he wouldn’t reply for 24 hours when all I needed was a yes or a no.

Some people will say it doesn’t matter but I do think it everyone has time to give a quick response. There’s a difference between expecting texts all day and expecting an answer to a time sensitive question.

I’d suggest you ask him about it in person, but ultimately if it’s a deal breaker for you it’s better to end it as you are incompatible.

Original poster

lasangoles · 07/09/2020 14:37

@PurdyFlower

He sounds like a guy I was dating for a while. Amazing and attentive on dates but terrible inbetween. At the beginning in made me feel really insecure and wondering if I’d said/ did something wrong.

I then figured that’s just what he was like - never picks his phone up when he was with me, had a busy work life/ active social life, so I presume the same was true in all aspects of his life. Nice on the one hand that he values the people he’s with but also got to the point where I’d ask if he wanted to go out on x day and he wouldn’t reply for 24 hours when all I needed was a yes or a no.

Some people will say it doesn’t matter but I do think it everyone has time to give a quick response. There’s a difference between expecting texts all day and expecting an answer to a time sensitive question.

I’d suggest you ask him about it in person, but ultimately if it’s a deal breaker for you it’s better to end it as you are incompatible.

Thanks. It's definitely not a deal breaker as I'm not a massive texter myself, but would like to think that if someone was interested enough to date you they'd WANT to give you a response. It just makes me anxious that he's not really that in to me.

OP posts:

CherryBlossomPink · 07/09/2020 14:42

It wouldn’t bother me at all - if I had a time sensitive issue I needed an answer to I would just call!
As long as he’s attentive when you’re together, maybe he just likes some down time and space in the early days - I know I do. If he wasn’t into you he wouldn’t be arranging dates

MildDrPepperAddiction · 07/09/2020 14:42

Oh good. In that case you need to speak to him and tell him that while you don't want to necessarily be constantly texting that for the relationship to move on you'd like this to change a bit and for him to reply to you.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 07/09/2020 14:43

Tell him it bothers you and see how he reacts.

If he steps up then good, if he doesn’t or gets in a mood it’s not the relationship for you.

vanillandhoney · 07/09/2020 14:43

What happens if you call him?

Some people just aren't big texters.

Original poster

lasangoles · 07/09/2020 14:43

@CherryBlossomPink

It wouldn’t bother me at all - if I had a time sensitive issue I needed an answer to I would just call! As long as he’s attentive when you’re together, maybe he just likes some down time and space in the early days - I know I do. If he wasn’t into you he wouldn’t be arranging dates

Thank you. I keep telling myself 'if he didn't like you, he wouldn't be meeting up with you, spending money on you' etc. Just need to give myself a pep talk every now and again. I do have fairly low self esteem.

OP posts:

Original poster

lasangoles · 07/09/2020 14:44

@vanillandhoney

What happens if you call him?

Some people just aren't big texters.

I've never called him, not sure if I should or not!

OP posts:

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 07/09/2020 14:47

If at any point you don’t want him, chuck him in my direction! I would MUCH prefer this that the banal ‘good morning’ texts you get from some OLDs (not suggesting your texts are banal, just using this as an example).

I find the need for incessant texting a huge turn off in a potential bloke.

BBCONEANDTWO · 07/09/2020 14:49

I dated my DP years before mobile phones so we never got touch with each other between dates. The only time we text nowadays if it's necessary - I couldn't be arsed with someone texting me all the time to seesaw I was.

I think you're going to end up coming across as needy.

Original poster

lasangoles · 07/09/2020 14:55

This is definitely making me feel better about it! Don't get me wrong I'm not sat by my phone waiting to hear from him. It's just nice when we're trying to arrange plans for it to not take 3 days to get something sorted

OP posts:

vanillandhoney · 07/09/2020 14:57

I've never called him, not sure if I should or not!

You definitely should

Emmie12345 · 07/09/2020 14:59

Gosh I would see this as a plus , and just FaceTime sometimes

Hate constant twxting

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 07/09/2020 15:05

If we'd arranged a date so I knew when we were next seeing each other, I wouldn't text him at all. I don't understand the need for constant communication about trivia. I wouldn't dream of texting or telephoning my husband at work, say, because....he is working.

donttouchmyhair · 07/09/2020 15:11

Not partaking in inane conversation all day is totally understandable but taking days to arrange dates? Nah he's just not that bothered about you. I had an ex like this, amazingly attentive when we were together, but it was like I didn't exist when we were apart. I was just there to pass the time a couple evenings a week when he was bored.

Rigamorph · 07/09/2020 15:12

Nowadays we are all so addicted to our phones (she says, spending all day hours on Mumsnet)....
...it's difficult to remember the days when people weren't in contact constantly. In the 'olden days' of romance people used to have to write letters and wait for a reply - imagine!

You could ask the mutual friends if he is just not a big texter, if he isn't then it's a definite plus. So long as he does reply I wouldn't be too worried about the length of time.

Incidentally my brother is the same with everyone.... perhaps you are dating my brother

vanillandhoney · 07/09/2020 15:13

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

If we'd arranged a date so I knew when we were next seeing each other, I wouldn't text him at all. I don't understand the need for constant communication about trivia. I wouldn't dream of texting or telephoning my husband at work, say, because....he is working.

But presumably you live together, so you see each other and talk to each other everyday.

It's a bit different when you're dating and don't see each other everyday.

Original poster

lasangoles · 07/09/2020 15:14

@Rigamorph

Nowadays we are all so addicted to our phones (she says, spending all day hours on Mumsnet).... ...it's difficult to remember the days when people weren't in contact constantly. In the 'olden days' of romance people used to have to write letters and wait for a reply - imagine!

You could ask the mutual friends if he is just not a big texter, if he isn't then it's a definite plus. So long as he does reply I wouldn't be too worried about the length of time.

Incidentally my brother is the same with everyone.... perhaps you are dating my brother

He does have a sister

OP posts:

RoseTintedAtuin · 07/09/2020 15:15

TBH I hate the expectation to respond instantly that mobiles and social media have brought into our lives. I often read messages because leaving an unread alert drives me insane (I can’t bear that my dsis has 1544 unread emails), but I want to respond when I am focused on that person and can give them time. Wouldn’t be too concerned about him taking his time.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/09/2020 15:16

Does he communicate if necessary? ie, if a date had to be changed, he'd presumably tell you rather than just letting you turn up?

My XP is a shocker for thinking that if he's said something then it's definitely going to happen, so 'I'll see on you on Sunday' would NEVER be followed by a text to confirm time or even confirm date. He'd said it would happen, so it would and I should have KNOWN it would and not needed to confirm. He stopped doing this after he'd said 'maybe I'll see on on Saturday', turned up and found I'd gone out as he never confirmed or gave me a time.

I got sick of always having to be the one chasing for confirmation. So I guess it depends on your tolerance, and whether he texts if it's necessary or not.

Rigamorph · 07/09/2020 15:26

@lasangoles if he were dating someone he wouldn't tell me as it take him about 3 weeks to reply to me (if non urgent) so 24hours would be a miracle haha

I also have girlfriends who are USELESS at replying, texting, confirming details etc. I love them dearly and have learned to live with it, and have decided I would rather have them in my life than make a big deal out of it.

It's probably too early to be able to make a judgement but if you enjoy your dates together then see how it goes for a bit longer. Over time it becomes obvious whether someone really cares about you.

AluckyEllie · 07/09/2020 16:29

My now husband was very like this and we laugh about it now- he still doesn’t see why I got bothered about it (I brought it up once we’d been together a while.) He said he’d have a great time on the dates and was certainly very into me. We’d arrange a next date and he wouldn’t text me until maybe the evening before because he knew he was seeing me then. He looked forward to the date but saw no need to stay in contact between them, as he would speak to me then!

Now I like it as I’m a bit crap at replying myself and I know he likes me so I’m not bothered 😂.
You say you have a great time on the dates and such, and conversation is easy then. I’d say he likes you.